20 Critiques of Critique of Pure Reason

Immanuel Kant
après Perèz

Man oh man did I just read a stinker of a book.
Let me kick a little a posteriori.

Reading this book is as interesting as watching an old man think.

Not as funny a book as The False Subtlety of the Four Syllogistic Figures. Which was not even that funny.

800 pages?! You really had something to prove. What, did David Hume nail your high school girlfriend or something?

When I read about time and space, I want to read about some sort of clever villain too, not just the timeliness of time and how spacey space is.

Use of the word 'sensuous' should be reserved for describing titty, not epistemology.

He seemed to be 'phoning it in' when he gets to the part about pure reason as the seat of transcendental illusory appearance. You can tell because it goes from super-boring to so mega-boring you'd need Ludovico lidlocks to keep your glazzies open.

Intuitions without ideas are blind, and ideas without intuitions are empty? Yeah? Tell that to my wife!

"Die Philosophen haben die Welt nur verschieden interpretiert; es kömmt drauf an, sie zu verändern." I won't translate it because it doesn't have umlauts that way.

'Apperception?' I think he made that word up. I think he makes a lot of these words up, except it was so long ago that now dictionaries have these words.

He deconstructs faith to where it can only exist as simple, practical necessity, but he still rigidly believes in God. Well aren't you Practical Pig?

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.

Draw out the six Kantian object terms and their relationships and what do you have? A Star of David. I'm just sayin'!

They designed a special 1-legged stool for people who watched dynamite mixing machinery so they wouldn't nod off, not catch the mixer going haywire, and get blowed up. Why not include a stool like this with the book? Maybe a helmet too, just in case.

Hey, Kant, I've got a schema for you. Next time write a book that doesn't stink!

In all fairness, I always keep a copy of Critique of Pure Reason around so if a robber breaks in I can crush his skull, either with the book or by reading him a few selections.

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What's Up with Demolition Man?

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Mellow Greetings!
Demolition Man may be a spongy grey turd of a movie but it was often on cable during a particularly rainy summer and wormed its way into my head. It remains there still. I read Crying of Lot 49 that summer too, but I have no recollection of anything about it.


Most importantly the Demolition Man pinball game is the best pinball game to have ever been made. I would not say that lightly. No drains, heavy enough to accept a nudge, a pageant of pinball gimmickry, and loud as a damn bomb. Not to mention Wesley Snipes involved himself in its production -- rejecting the original artwork -- which he thought him look mean. Imagine!

When did cryo-technology start in the world of John Spartan, the Demolition Man? 1996! Three years after the movie was filmed. It is ten plus years later and we have still not even started to freeze rogue cops or super criminals.

T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?
Little Girl: Fuck you, lady!

Sylvester says the word 'taco' with this inflection like the first syllable is a question. He has to say 'Taco Bell' twenty times but gets ALL the stresses wrong, showing himself to be not just a wretched acting talent, but an incompetent mimic of the human species.

When he has electronic intercourse with Sandra Bullock,
Sylvester's facial contortions exemplify his acting style.
He is devoid of the self-awareness that would ordinarily define an actor.

Jack Black was in D-Man! I didn't know that until I started my deep-ass research for this weblog entry. He was also in the 'skater' movie Airborne with Seth Green the same year. I learned that Seth Green, in order to get into the part he played in Airborne, 'Wiley,' insisted on being called 'Wiley' at all times, both on and off the set.

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The Twelve Drinks of Christmas

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Here are some non-alcoholic beverages to enjoy the holiday season a little more responsibly with, if you are into that sort of thing.

12. The Lords A' Leaping
Put raisins in a glass of Sprite. Amaze the grandkids with how the raisins rise and fall with the bubbles, just like the Lords A' Leaping from the movie. Works 100 times better with Champagne but don't use Champagne, drunky.

11. The Triple Fizz
2 tablets fizzy stomach medicine (lemon), 2 fizzy arthritis tablets (lemon), 1 fizzy nutritional supplement package (raspberry). Enjoy the fizzing -- it's as exciting as this drink gets.

10. The Bojangles
Just like a Shirley Temple but add bitters and Worcestershire sauce until black. It's pretty tough to drink for having no booze.

9. The Holly-Berry
Same as 10 except add 1/4 the bitters and Worcestershire. Garnish with way too much praise.

8. The Sea Crest
Take a glass of milk and gayen with room-temperature water until completely bland.

7. Thunderbird for Kids
Fill a pewter cup with red grape juice and microwave a few seconds to add a metallic taste. Perfect for your 'little hobo.'

6. The Integrated Cola
1/3 Coke, 1/3 Pepsi, 1/3 RC. It's like homemade store-brand cola!

5. Mr. Claus's Sack
Regular ginger ale but served from a baggie.

4. The No-Gettin-Blitzen
Gin and tonic but use, say, pineapple juice instead of Gin. Or something else. Enjoy your drive.

3. The Krampus
Non-alcoholic beer served piping hot in a mug. It tastes terrible, but AA-type alcoholics and designated drivers are social betas and don't have the status to complain.

2. North Pole Sunrise
Like a Tequila Sunrise but use non-alcoholic Tequila, if there is such a thing. I don't know why there would be, but that's # 2.

1. The Christmas Drink
Any drink with no sweet brown bourbon. Not a drop. If you want to waste ice and time make this drink and drink it.

'Who put this Christmas Drink in my Christmas Drink?!'
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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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I came up with a great idea for something to be on everyone's bad side about. Michael Vick. Okay, I stole it from Bryant Gumbel on Real Sports.

Originally I was a big fan of the harshness on Michael Vick. Still bitter about the playoff game he won singlehandedly and at Lambeau. Plus Vick is a rich person. I fit central heating, (I've done it now for years. Anyone?) Sometimes I don't buy the hot sauce I like the most, Tabasco, because it is so expensive and I use a lot of hot sauce. So I buy the cheap sauce and feel justified in enjoying the hammer-down on a person who probably has a Tabasco fountain in his bedroom.

I am an animal lover. There is a bar in Chicago that's earned my enmity for the way they treat their moose head. Maybe it's the Comanche in me. It is a noble animal and holiday lights should not be strung around its massive antlers. It should not have fairground oversized sunglasses on it. Sunglasses do not belong on animals! I am against even the bandito moustache. I would sit at the bar, honoring his spirit, thinking "If this moose was alive, he would kill all of you hippies... I hope some skanky girls come in."

I was in Central America and the whole run we were trying to find underground fights or cock fights. This is a request we whispered to taxi drivers. We still offended some cab drivers' sensibilities. One of the cab drivers tried to dissuade us. "No, no. Young girls? 15, 14. Do anything!" he procured. There were teenage girls everywhere who looked like they'd gotten into their mother's makeup. They were standing outside in their underwear at night. Cock fighting was illegal though, and frowned upon.

I am an animal lover and I don't just like the happy things about animals. I love baby bunnies because they're the bunniest -- but I also love to watch animals kill other animals on nature specials. The eternal struggle for survival is the neat part of life in the state of nature. Solitary and poor? Bleh. But nasty, brutish, and short? Fascinating, and a real connection to the animal world. Pet dogs are like how reality TV compares to reality. They are butt-shadows in the cave of the dog. Eunuchs inbred for docility, in complete antithesis to their vital essence. Robbed of blood and cum and shamed and scared into submission to us, to become fat and slug around the apartment until it needs to rest its head on the ottoman from boredom.

Bullbaiting? Bearbaiting? How great would that be? I would root for the dogs, I think, unless there were too many for the brute being baited and it seemed unfair. I bet those dogs, when they fight that bear, would have the best time. When the Hive-mind from the Dyson Ellipse around Mu Arae enslaves humankind and breeds millions of miniature Paris Hiltons, I hope I will be one of the lucky ones who is pitted unsportingly against the nine-tusked Blarg in the sacred ancient battle dome. Oh sure, Loland's crazy because his panties don't get in knots about dog fighting. You know what? You're crazy! You are the crazy one! You watch reality TV and you visit prostitutes and you think dogs belong in a condo.

I have never seen a dogfight. I didn't like Amores Perros but that movie had an anti-dog-killing agenda. I might not like it. I didn't grow up in the ghetto, though. When did that excuse stop holding water? Cripes! I totally forgot to diss PETA. They steal money from legitimate organizations like SPCAs to have ads with nude celebrities who also have a new movie or sitcom coming out or models so dumb their only voice comes from appearing naked. Penn and Teller do it to it:

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What is the world coming to?

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My Grandmother told me the world was going to hell in a handbasket. While you may imagine environmental collapse, an asteroid collision, or the Rapture as our apocalypse, my blood always chills at the thought of planet-sized handbaskets.

At 4:03 he cocks and uncocks his fist.

This dude got a "beat-down" from "girl gang members." You'll have to fast forward through four minutes of bitches yapping at the guy before the first hissy slap. One of the more tuff gals hits him on the head with an empty soda bottle. Damn, girl! I like the part where he gets up, cocks his fist, but just sits back down sweet as pie. Just because she's got a doo-rag on doesn't mean she's not a girl.
He has learned there are people not to be scared of:
1. People with super baggy pants. They cannot run or spread their legs as far apart as they might need to to avoid being knocked over.
2. People with long hair. Unless they know how to use it like a whip, long hair functions pretty much like a handle.
3. Girls.
4. Bikers and other Gangs. Gangs are a largely homosexual enterprise. Early jail time, access to party drugs, fashionable dress, minimal co-ed groupings...

The heroine and her war-bear discuss
A. J. Ayer's philosophy of 'logical positivism'
in this scene from A Golden Compass

A Golden Compass
I love it when I am told not to see some crappy movie I wouldn't see in a hundred years anyway because it is immoral. But A Golden Compass has zeppelins and count-em two (2!) talking polar bears. Ow! Ouch! Phil Pullman has said specifically that he wrote his series of books "...to undermine the basis of Christian belief."
The Judeo-Christian tradition doesn't have a lot of magic talking animals (2?), but magic talking animals are squarely within the realm of religion. Some religions are nothing but. Parallel worlds, ancient prophecies, right and wrong, and allegory as thick as a Baptist hymnal. All religion. Sorry, Phil.
Just try to make a kids' movie about acid-base titrations, Johnny Science. It would blow like your old Grandma. They can't do that, so they just resort to knocking the church here, which they call the Magisterium. I like to root for the bad guys in childrens' films anyways. They always have the better actors. Go Magisterium!

The election...
Isn't for another gaddamn year. Nevertheless, the new media has made real possibilities out of would-be also-rans. If ersatz-third-party outsiders like Kucinich or Paul get elected they will sell out the Beltway Old Guard and the book containing all the dirty tricks of the last 40 years will be opened. If they even try to do what they say, it will shatter the federal infrastructure. I would love that. That's the same side of me that loved 9/11, though, and isn't that what happened to Britain? The divisiveness of third+ parties made that government incapable of doing anything, stripped of patriotism and a permanent lame duck. Or maybe Barack? I love how even liberals call this Senator by his first name. Just like I call my 65-year old black doorman 'Bobby' and he calls me 'Mr. Kapuchinski' or 'Sir.' But seriously, does electing a black president get us whites off the hook in country? I am fine if it's that. I don't want to elect him president and then find out later it doesn't count because he's not black enough. Junior Senators are too shuck-n' jive for the presidency anyway. Too bad Colin Powell never ran (cough-too classy-cough) (cough-complicity in Mai Lai tribunal's failure to sentence-cough).

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Ho Ho Ho! 10 Great Gifts for the Holidays this Holiday Season

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I was always told there's more than one way to skin a cat. That is definitely true this season! With all these great choices you're sure to find the perfect gift for the "feline mutilator" among your loved ones this Christmas for the perfect gift so have a great Christmas!

Cat-O-Mat

The original! And just as good!

The Cat Genie

Now with a spatter shield. Clean-up's a breeze! No clean-up!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Jr.

For the novice. You'll be skinning cats in half the time as ordinary!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Pro

For pure cat-skinning power, look no further than this one,
with patented "Cat-A-Minute" technology.

Mr. CatSkinner 5000 by Cheever

Tried and true cat-skinning, every time.
Guaranteed for up to 10,000 cats. Meow!

Gyro-Cat Rotating Cat Peeler

Inexpensive, simple, and quick Japanese import, but skinning the cat
in one long strip is the only option. Perfect for scrapbookers.

Skin That Cat! Executive Edition

For busy people who must skin cats on-the-go.
Convenient, but the cat-compacting mechanism can be a little loud.

Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer

Hands-free cat-skinning at its best. Expensive, but the skinned cats are so good even your old Grandmother would think it was done by a professional. That's why they say "You'll have them all fooled with Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer."

Karl of Paris Signature Set with Platinum Cat-Skinning Hooks

This gorgeous 130-piece platinum set comes in a plush-lined wardrobe. Karl of Paris's name is synonymous with skinned cats and it's no wonder. Talk about quality!

Many thanks to those corporations and companies that contributed these fine products for my testing of them so have a great Christmas!

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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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Saudi Court Sentences Gang Rape Victim to 200 Lashes

Now when I first read that headline I was like "Wahabbi-Whaa-at?!" The Internerdosphere had a field day about this, our President's latest atrocity by proxy.

Atrocity seems like something larger-scale. Like if they lined up and killed the last nine crazy-ass Jews that still live in that country. And atrocious isn't bad enough a word -- that's how I behave at Christmas parties. It seems impossibly insensitive after a rape -- but is it backwards?

Saudis have a law that says no single woman of a certain age (young enough to be worth the effort of raping) can hang out with men without a cousin or chaperone. Is it backwards? It is just as backwards to have a law saying you can't hang out with a bunch of crocodiles. You gets into a car with 4 crocodiles and you takes your chances.

I have had rapes described to me and I have to internalize the "Well OF COURSE you got raped!" response. I fell out of a tree once and cried to my mother and she asked "What were you doing in a tree?"

Tori Amos shouldn't have given that dude she just met a ride. Jodie Foster shouldn't have slutted it up in a bar full of dudes and no women in The Accused. The Accused is based on a completely different real-life story of a woman who was just minding her own business buying cigarettes and got raped. I think even King Abdullah Ibn-Saud would give her a pass -- that's terrible!
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10 Reasons I Quit NASA to Become a One-Man Band

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No more salad bar.

Way less free tee-shirts than when I started.

They be straight tripping at the NASA.

I started calling it 'The NASA' then everybody started calling it 'The NASA' and now it is old old old.

The low quality of my work and my ability to shield that news from my superiors would have eventually resulted in the death of an astronaut. Not some dick that works at Cousins -- an astronaut.

Old computers. Green computer screens? The girls showing their junk in Hustler now weren't even born when NASA bought this stuff, and girls in Huster then are now too old to give you a hard on. (That's how Loland tells time -- with Hustler magazines.)

I embarrassed myself at the first NASA picnic and I never fully recovered. It was during the egg carry. I was on angel dust and couldn't stop yelling at the spoon, who was bragging that he had had intercourse with my high school girlfriend. She was a slut, but a spoon? It just hit a sore spot I guess. Later we made friends -- good friends -- but two years ago he moved, literally, to Alaska. I guess I may never see Spoonthew 'Spoony' Utensilman again. Oh, Spoony, mais ou sont les neiges d'antan? Sigh. I get so wistful on angel dust.

Being a One-Man Band has less stringent punishments for misconduct.

No one will ever ask me again if I am using drugs. If they do I will just say "Uhhm... One-Man Band?"

A train whistle sounds just like a train. It knocks them dead in 'She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain!' (If you are another One-Man Band then please don't steal that bit!)

I have written a tambourine/concertina/castanet/football rattle/trumpet connected to an underarm bellows/bass drum 'piece' about NASA that will be a hit because it comes from the heart.

Four words: One-Man Band conventions.

I will get more exercise as a One-Man Band. The only exercise I got at NASA was running out the door at exactly 4:30.

If there are a bunch of old people around you play 'On Top of Old Smokey' and if it's a bunch of kids you play 'On Top of Spaghetti.' My game is tiz-ight!

Is it goofy? Carrying an elbow-operated bass drum on your back while keeping time for long periods is, when you think about it, not unlike what Marines do in training. Are the Marines goofy?

The traditionezi of the One-Man Band has its storied origins in the Ottoman Sultanate's Janissary Band Corps of the 14th Century. Whereas NASA has only been around for about 12 years.

I was unlikely to ever take a space walk or even go on that zero-g plane. There would be no "Put me in, coach!" Rudy moment (unless I impersonated a 'valid').

I am not one of those jackasses that insists on being called a simultaneous multi-instrumentalist and if that makes me politically correct I don't even care.

Eventually I may rise to the Holy Grail of One-Man Bandom -- a salaried employee of a Renaissance Faire.

I'm a loner... a rebel. One-Man Bands are the true punks.

My dream to be a One-Man Band is as beautiful as the glissando of the slide whistle, as clear as the din of the triangle on my left shin, as clever as the high-hat on my head, and as enchanting as the chorus from 'Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts.'

When my wife divorces me I will be free to date younger girls.

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Nicknames I Have Given Over the Summer

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At work and co-ed sports leagues I meet a lot of guys named Steve and Matt and Paul. In other words, people who need nicknames. A nickname from me is a gift and it is always perfect because I am the best nicknamer in the world. Here is a recent selection:

• Snappo
• Mitch
• Ocho
• Green Hat
• Woodstock
• Cut Rate
• Orange Peel (freckled, age 10)
• Booj
• Trespass
• Pants
• Reagan
  
• Milk Moustache
• Stairwell
• Pat O'Butter (age 90)
• Spindrift
• Spills (also Spillsworth)
• Smirky
• Murgatroid (age 6)
• Suspenders
• California
• Business Suit
• Parvenu
• Beardly
• Fouler
• Spooky D (goth kid, age 16, also Squirrelly D)
• DuShambles (named DuFresne)
• Doubler
• Two Fist
• Dink and Duff
• Stalkie
• Big Bird
• Screaming Patty
• Chitch
• Pills
• CJ
• 24
• Pool
• Ching Chong
• Eddie's Brother
• Hoss
• New Nick
• Black Adam
• Sherpa
• Pook
  

Youtube fugue is a common phenomenon.

I like my media like I like my hamsters -- small and fuzzy.

Lessons Learned from Big Trouble in Little China

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'Kind of' Invincible

A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face. And a wise man knows when to get in out of the rain! -- This is a good quote to use when it rains but you'll probably have to explain it. (The world is full of Philistines. I don't know why.)

Okay I really didn't learn anything. Except Kim Cattrall be finger-lickin' stinky hot back then. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, ladies.

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God Bless Christopher Hitchens

I don't like agnostics. Wishy-washy broken ladders. A mind is like a parachute: it should only be open in emergency situations. Otherwise I seal my sweet-ass brain up and viciously fight anyone who tries to hamstring me with cognitive dissonance.

This is why East-coast liberals have all the neuroses. Rich but educated, thusly they are aware that the easy life they enjoy is the direct result of war, colonialism, trade imbalances, use of petrochemicals, child labor, strip-mining, slavery, etc... Every childhood joy or personal triumph was created by the American eagle-monster that they can reject only philosophically while it cleaves them to its warm breast and suckles them with the sweet milk of ipods and curbside garbage collection. If you ever try to eat good surf 'n' turf at a four-star restaurant while philosophically rejecting the same meal, you know how awkward it can be. You must ignore the relationship between the food that goes into your mouth and the politics that come out, so you have to focus on something else, quick, to fill the gap.

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Christopher Hitchens (Chitch) is like the man who gets a second, bigger, uglier tattoo to prove the first ugly tattoo was a good idea. Absolutely no dissonance. Chitch is meditative. His cognitive assonance has allowed him to achieve deep personal levels of faith in his atheism. He elevates the belief with his purity of vision. It's a religion to him, so defined that he hates people of other religions -- just for their religion! Just like a real religion! In this video clip, Chitch castigates other atheists for their faithlessness. Look at him preach! I love this tippling, fire-breathing crackpot bastard!

Wait, did he just use the word 'no-brainer' without irony?

Oops! My bad.
Okay. I guess I was wrong in my newfound love for Chitch. He is a funny guy, but maybe I was just excited he was in Wisconsin. That's exactly why you shouldn't incorporate politics inexorably into your personality.

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On the whole, I am not so Raven.

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I own a collection of over 50 legwarmers and colorful toe-socks.
That's so Raven of me!

I own an unlicensed 19-round Glock 28. I rechambered it to take .40 rounds.
Not very Raven of me.

I started an environmental club called EarthTeenz. We met Al Gore!
That's so Raven of me!

My dense, hearty bowel movements are completely unflushable anywhere on Earth except the largest American cities.
Not very Raven of me.

I tried to fool my Mom and Dad into thinking I had gotten an "A" on my geometry exam so I could go on an unchaperoned overnight trip to Disney World, the most magical place on Earth. They found out, grounded me, and I learned a valuable lesson about telling the truth.
That's so Raven of me!

I had the words "Fucked at Birth" tattooed in gothic blackletter on my neck and a dragon tattooed on my cock and balls.
Not very Raven of me.

I didn't have a date for Lupe's sweet sixteen party, so I blackmailed my neighbor's older exchange student Ernesto to go with me.
That's so Raven of me!

I have never suggested that 'dating' should be the primary concern of children. A hollow laugh track does not follow every sad, meaningless, mean comment I make as a pretense of humor. I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Corporation. I can out-sing Hannah Montana. I do not look like I am going to gain 25 pounds in the next five seconds.
All not very Raven of me.

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20 Horrible Things to Say to Zenn-Lavians

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The eternal balance of cosmic energies must be kept in harmony. Who are you to confound the ancient cosmic ways? Galactus was wrong to spare you -- no offense.

Me, I'm a Skrull man. Always have been. Go Skrulls, I say.

You found on Zenn-La that a Utopian technological society breeds malaise and apathy. I know how you feel, because I am from West Allis, Wisconsin.

How long did it take the World-Devourer Galactus to consume your planet? I bet it would take twice that to consume the Earth. Because we got heart!

Top five best planets: Earth, Skrullos, Mars, the Shi'ar Throneworld, and Ur-anus... of a homeworld Zenn-La. Gotcha! No, I love Zenn-La, I do. It's just all those Zenn-Lavians! Just kidding! But seriously your people are pretty bad.

I heard that on Zenn-La you were humanoid in appearance. I can see that is not true, with your enormous heads and pointy butt-noses. See if you can borrow some old masks from Kang.

I read in InTouch that Shalla-Bal and the Silver Surfer have called it quits. You people are just like that, huh?

How many Zenn-Lavians does it take to screw up a light bulb? It's a joke, they don't have light bulbs on Zenn-La. Because they are all a bunch of suckass hippies.

Silver Sentinel of the Spaceways? More like the Sliding Spazz of Sappy Space Smellodrama Stupid enough to get Stuck in our Solar System.

Back to Svalbard! Oh wait, that's an horrible thing to say to polar bears. I meant: Back to the Deneb system!

When my old awful boss Ron used to tell me to herald the destruction of worlds, I just told him I was on a break. That's what Silver Surfer should have done with Galactus.

I would call you a Zenn-LAME-ian, except it might offend the sentient squid-beings of Zennlamia.

I saw this Zenn-Lavian dude hitting on a human woman at a club once. Me and my buddies fucked him up but good. I got no problem with Zenn-lavians, just keep your filthy cosmic hands off our womenfolk. Ya Hear?

If you want to herald a planet's destruction by a world-devourer, hire a Xandarian. If you want a long prose poem that on how lonely it is is space, get a Zenn-lavian. It's just how it is.

Do Zenn-Lavians really live for a thousand years? It might just feel that way, because I've been at this party talking with you for 10 minutes and it feels like an eternity.

It seems an all-powerful galactic entity wishes to destroy the Earth every few weeks. Do we trade our humanity to save it? Do we sell out? No. We fight. Selling out is in your blood. You are a planet of Hetfields and Ulrichs.

I have a piece of debris from Zenn-La after it was destroyed in my pocket here. I was hoping it would kill you. You know, like Planet Krypton... What do you mean you've never heard of Krypton?

Did Galactus really create a barrier that kept Silver Surfer from leaving Earth? Because I know an Australian guy named Gary who says he was kicked out of Australia, but I'm pretty sure he's here in Wisconsin because the fruity accent is a hit with fat chicks. Did the Silver Surfer's accent get more or less Zenn-Lavian while he was here?

I got my girlfriend one of those knitted Zenn-Lavian handbags that were so popular a few years ago and it unraveled while she was in Panama. She lost her passport, so thank your homeworld when you get back there. And when are you going back to your homeworld?

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LIE$!

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Things I don't believe, in reverse order of importance.

I don't believe in weeping eggplant of its 'bitter' juices. It is poetic -- salt, bitter tears, and time -- but unnecessary. I used to until an easy experiment. My 'control' eggplant half tasted less salty, but there was no bitterness.

I don't believe in the two party system or even voting. I can't imagine standing in a line for the privilege of choosing between Roger Healey and Howard Borden.

I don't believe Facebook is worth a billion dollars. There are plenty of friendster-clones and there will be plenty more to come, and the thing about the internet is that it is free. You ain't monetizing jack.

I don't believe Halle Berry is black. Too much cream in the coffee. I don't go around telling people I'm Comanche. Angela Bassett would have made a much better Storm because she is black and physical instead of a scrawny pale runway stickwoman. Angela also acts, as opposed to HB's actressing.

Finally and most significantly, I don't believe the instructions on jumper cables. It sucks for girls, because they follow the instructions and then need a man to jump their cars for them. A penis is like a little Prometheus that tells you to see through the safety bullshit.

.Yes and no, Virginia...

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I wrote a letter to Steve Wozniak.

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Steve,

What? Wha-aat? The big red horse-face lady from tv? She's an icon for gays, but that just means she's horribly unattractive. Those sensitive queers and their pity laughs! No no no you're too smart. Sure, she's "funny," in a basic way. Like someone's cold sore is funny. But Kimmel's not balling ALL the decent-looking comediennes.

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Kathy Griffin (post-surgery)

Get over whatever esteem blocks you're stumbling on and get with the BILLIONAIRE program. She's using your name and public image for bits on Larry King! You've embarrassed yourself enough. Drop her like something hot (pretend!) and tell all your friends it was a big goof. "I only let her blow me" is an unassailable excuse and has worked for some jams I've been in. You're welcome.
C'mon, Woz,
LK

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My Interview with Neal Stephenson

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Neal Stephenson, the writer, is gifted with an extraordinary mind that can parse complex social, historical, and technological currents and fuse them into engaging fiction. His intense intelligence has made him seem prickly in the interviews he seldom gives. But this particular evening at Magoo's in West Allis I met a completely different Neal Stephenson -- the Neal Stephenson I went to grade school with.

LK: Neal, do you realize you have the same name as a famous science-fiction writer?
NS: He doesn't spell it the same.
LK: I think he does.
NS: I never met anyone who spells it like us.
LK: Well...
NS: You want a shot? What shot?
LK: Whatever you're having. Have you ever heard of Second Life, Neal?
NS: Like heaven and hell? What the fuck? And call me Steve. You're the only fucking one that still calls me Neal.

I get the feeling Neal is uncomfortable talking about Second Life, just like the other Neal Stephenson.

LK: What do you think about William Gibson?
NS: Was he in our grade? Or was he in Rudy's class? You and Rudy used to do some fucked up shit, man. Those lights at the high school.
LK: That was Rudy, mostly.
NS and LK: Cheers.
NS: Dead dog in the Witliff's pool. That was you, motherfucker.
LK: Rudy said that? (NOTE: It wasn't a dead dog, it was a pig's head from the sausage factory.) Don't trust that crackhead. What do you think the future holds?
NS: Hey did you ever know Vita Breviscz -- she went to school with your sister? I'm fucking her tonight after she gets off work. She's still pretty hot. (NOTE: Vita was never hot.) Puss-ay!

Neal leans over to whisper something. His manner informs me he is about to say something with serious gravity. This is the moment I have been waiting for in this interview.

...You want some coke?

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Weblogs and Websites I am in Direct Competition With

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Knock-knock joke sites

Hamburger joke sites

DickJokes.com

Dirty riddles sites

The KKK Komedy Korner

Sites with pictures of naked ladies with crazy captions

Sites with videos of people getting hit in the balls or nuts

Animals "doing it" sites

My Liberal Wife blog

The Onion

"Guess what my cat did" sites

Bankruptcy humor sites

Dave Barry's PermanentMonday.com

Boo Ya!

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1001 Insults, Put-Downs, and Comebacks book page on Amazon.com

Jackie "Da Joke Man" Martling sites

JewishRedneck.com

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15 words and phrases that will bring you to my weblog if you perform an internet search for them.

...come to Loland.

Nudietron

Camelinguist

"scabid snatch"

elehumans

"Dave Thomas was a fascist"

"goddam replicants"

Der Unterhounden

"deflating muted trumpet"

"Clint Eastwood was raped"

"Oaxacan Phoenix"

"delectably inscrutable"

"stickle big"

Pringelfuhrer

knardless

"magic retarded angel"

The Appendix to my Oddly Prescient 1965 Sci-Fi Novella

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Unfortunately, the manuscript, Moonmen on Mars in 2008 was lost. Jane, my secretary, turned on a desk fan and sent the only copy flying out the window over the Thames. I gave up my science fiction writing, married Jane, and have never looked back. I still have one of the appendices though. I keep it around to remind Jane and cop a guilt b.j. now and again.

Appendix V - Glossary

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Inform-a-nerd - a home electronic device allowing the user to connect to vast information resources and other Inform-a-nerd users worldwide.

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Nudietron - a convenient naked lady viewing attachment to the Inform-a-nerd that also sucks you off.

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Talk-a-bit - A candy-bar shaped worldwide communication device that does not work under bridges.

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Bonex brand Pud Butter - A creme that causes even old or gay men to have sex with their hideous wives.

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Hoppity-Poppity - Music with heavy beats and spoken rhyming instead of singing, popular with children.

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Moony-Moo - A small blond mental boy that, for some reason, is the world's #1 Hoppity-Poppity star.

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PONG - A disease spread through buttsex or sometimes, but not as often, load-swallowing.

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Yllis - A brand of H2O (water) in cans.

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Aids - A helping game that is played on the television.

USTV (Ugly Sex TV) - TV that saves money by centering around the real sex problems of the non-telegenic. Major Adam Hiro and Tequila X-11b appear on the USTV program Hustle Stack.

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World Hottening - A theory about how the globe is getting warmer.

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Mr. Kan - mobile robot toilet/bidet.

Under a pseudonym, for obvious reasons.

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I wrote some new racist epithets.

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Are you sick of using the same old hate speech? Epithets lose their value over time. They are adopted by the persons they are meant to insult, and their power diminishes with continued contextual use. New, original slurs will keep us all on our toes. A new epithet is like a recreational drug that is just introduced, before any legislation is passed on it. You can use them in polite company and everyone squirms but no one can say anything. It is delightful to be an obnoxious bastard.

Italians - When was the last time you heard anyone say awful things about Italians? Too long. Are they still wearing gold chains and speedos? How about Speedos.

Jews - I don't know how they got that rap for being cheap. Most of the Jews I know are kind of spendy. Have you been to an upscale mall lately? It's like being in Tel Aviv. Let's call them Spendos. I think they'll hate it!

Irish - They don't just eat potatoes, they look like them. Taters. It'll bounce right off their prognathic brows, but whatever. People with a little bit of Irish in them are Spudbloods.

Whites - Racists. They probably are, too. Racist is the worst epithet for anyone and it only applies to white people. If they are off-the-reservation racist, then calling them racist will be a badge of honor. Call them part black. That dog'll hunt!

Blacks - The n-word still works to offend n-worders, but talk about played. Just calling them The Blacks can be pretty offensive, if you get your stresses just right, overpronounce, and cock your head a tiny fraction of a inch.

Hispanics - I call them all Latinas, feigning ignorance. If you hang out with some Hispanics it is real easy to offend them. Muy sensitivo! Call Mexico New Mexico. If they are from Central or South America, jumble the countries. Tell them you've been to their country and describe another country. Describe Cambodia. Mention his country's backwards natives. Mention the tripe-eating. Hispanics are an obnoxious bastard's gold mine.

Polish - Polak is a Polish word meaning "Polish man." Polock is the shabbiest epithet ever. Like misspelling is mean. Who came up with that, the goddam Polish? Since they are all named "ski" let us call them "Skeeds." Plus it sounds kind of dirtball, like some dishwater blond kid in high-tops selling big bags of low-quality doobage in an alley off Kinnickinnic.

Muslims - Another fat target, but simple cracks like Qu'ranberries, Camelinguists, Ragtops, Turbanados, all miss the fragile beauty of their victim. Tragically, these people love their religion -- so much that they will tell you all about it if you ask them. Ask all nice and civilized for a while, get them relaxed, then bring out the guns, 9/11 etc. and watch them go ashen. Quid pro quo.

Germans - Potsies. 'Nuff said.

Chinese - Mao Maos

Japanese - Nippos. I didn't change it much. They think they're so superior it couldn't matter less. Japan calls itself Nippon. They don't correct us when we say Japan because they don't care what goes on in our gai-jin pea brains.

Filipinos - Peeners. This one is particularly fun to say.

Vietnamese - Fish Sauce Schleps. Say it 3 times fast to someone from Viet Nam.

I thought I'd have a lot more but racism really takes it out of me.

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The Weblog Awards

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The Guy from Wings.
No, not Monk, the other guy from Wings. Not the one that was in Sopranos, either -- the other other guy from Wings. I didn't see Sideways, but I think that's the Sandman from Spiderman and it's not him either. I am talking about the other other other guy from Wings.
Anyone want to hear what that guy thinks about the President?
The Huffington Post also has posts by a lot of varied webloggers -- just starting with the A's -- Marc Abraham, Rebecca Abrahams, Paul Abrams, Larry Abrams, Sasha Abramsky... I could go on and on.

Perez Hilton
He used to say awful thing after awful thing about Paris Hilton, then they started hanging out? He's a modern Cinderella. If Cinders said horrible things about the Prince in her blog before they got to the ball, but when they met at the ball Cinders got all glassy eyed. So This Is Love? started going through her fat head and she was never able to blog about the Prince's filthy, scabid snatch or well-cornholed ass again. So now he's boring. The end.
I don't sweat it because I can still get my dish on. Popoholic, hollywoodtuna, justjared, superficial, socialite's, razzy, etc. They are all pretty much the same:
Kim Kardashian and Maria Menounous are pretty?
Hollywood actors may be homosexual?
You don't say?

Ernesto Kottke
You never forget the first weblog you regularly check. I had this guy on my toolbar. Forever! And he just dropped off the face of the E-arth. He had a kid, but I thought his first post-baby post was going to make his blog the best blog ever.
iPhone, Wiimote, or newborn baby: which has the best built-in accelerometer?
I was hoping he would turn into some liveblogging B. F. Skinner, but no.
Now at least I am a better weblogger on all days in which he doesn't blog and I do, which is a lot of days recently.

Bonus: I really thought I liked NewsRadio. Compared to the people who wrote this website I hated it. I enjoyed the damning article explaining, as best it could, why the network idiots never gave it a chance.

Wikipedia Editing Scandal Continues

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Pringlegate Diary, day 90.

Previous Pringlegate posts: - day 1 - - - - day 27-

I feel good that I have pwnd* a race 'bater and gotten him off Wikipedia for the time being. Plus he will be happier going off to bund meetings instead of editing.

Go ahead and check out my contribs to the Wik. I think by searching a person's entry contributions, one could easily assess the cut of their gib. I have too few entries for an accurate assessment. Too few nodes, as William Gibson might write. That's good. Some people leave their grubby keyprints all over because even tiny claims to fame are few and far between.

In this world, some people have a calling to plant semicolons between every word and twice between clauses. And some people have blood that boils when they hear someone whisper "semicolon." When these people try to pwn* each other in the Wikipedia community they are having a great time or at least they are into it. "Semicolon" can stand in for whatever you're on about -- the Pope, Gay Porno stars, Republocrats, the Falklands, or whatever.

Just don't mess with Pringles. I will tear your asshole a new asshole! Or perhaps probably I will just pwn* you with a message on your ip address page -- something somewhat scathingly direct and terse!

*pwn

This word is Welsh and not Nerd. I have been using it my whole life. It is pronounced like "poon" and I have no idea why computer users are using it now. In Welsh it means to make someone a nerd. Computer users using it is a lot like n-worders using the n-word.

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I wrote a letter to R. Kelly.

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Bob,

I have no faith in the legal system or Chicago. Cook County is as crooked as origami birds. You will probably get off. People will show up on the tv trying to explain it, how the baroque time-honored process of law dropped an easy one again, even with a videotape. Laws simply don't apply to a person of your stature.

And speaking of videotaping peeing on teenaged girls, what's with that? What are you, German? Save it for the Friedrichstraße, Gunter. You're quadrupling up on your perversions. Pick ONE, if that. And don't pick "destroying the fragile minds of adolescents" please. "Crushing the trust native to the sweet, simple souls of young women" should also not be considered a keeper, you regusting eel. Being urinated on is unenjoyable, especially for rosy-cheeked teens who have not had time to develop the angst that engenders sick quirks, but thanks for helping.

Did you piss on Aalyiah when she was fifteen and you married her? Robert Harmenszoon Kelly! Is your new single going to be "Pissed on an Angel?" You might as well hit the Pieta with a hammer, you awful man.

You broke my heart! I was a big fan. I thought all that creepy stuff you sing about was just for a goof. For a goof! And then I find out about the fifteen-year olds and fourteen year olds. You may say that Age Ain't Nothing But a Number but I say that Age IS Nothing But a Number. I really do think you should go to jail -- maybe a nice five-year sentence. Out in two! That way I can forgive you and start listening to your songs again, and I can stop listening to Lloyd. Plus when you come out you'll have all sorts of new tattoos and a new religion and even more troubling deviances. Won't that all be fun?

Love,
Loland

That pederast R. Kelly

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I wrote a letter to my niece.

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Dear Pansy,

I do not care about what one shoelace says to the other shoelace. If I encountered a talking shoelace I would step on it like a snake and squish it until it was dead. And the shoelace blood would be all over my shoe and the floor and his talking shoelace family would starve to death in the cold murmuring "papa, papa."

Furthermore, elephants are not funny to talk about. They are emotional animals that are constantly tortured by their depraved 'human' caretakers. I refer you to these websites, 1, 2, and, 3 and I hope you regret your choice of these majestic, troubled elehumans as the subject of your "humor."

I know blind people. As a little girl of merely eight, you have probably never met a blind person. This is why you speak of them so rudely. You must be the stupidest little girl on earth if you think that a blind person would confuse an elephant for a grape. They are not even the same size.

I don't even think you get some of the jokes you tell. They resort to a wild absurdism that may provoke a response, but ultimately prove flaccid and cheap when thought out. These jokes are commonly called "groaners" and they are the kind of jokes fascist leader Ernesto Mussolini enjoyed very much.

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"Arancio voi felici non ho detto la banana" -- Mussolini

Children like you should be seen and not heard or even seen. If you want to tell jokes, tell racist jokes from 1970s Hustlers. Otherwise you look like a queer. Queers are the only people that think banana jokes are funny. Tell that to your faggot baby sister too.

Signed,
Uncle Lando

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Reading the Sunday Comics to Blind People

They don't tell you that you need to bring the paper. They do not provide it. Or you can get creative.

In the first panel, Janis is going through Arlo's old socks. She says "Arlo, you never throw your old socks away!" Arlo responds: "Some people throw their old socks away. Some people throw their grandmothers away."
In the next panel Janis is visibly upset. "We put my grandmother in a home because she was fucking demented, you shit!"
In the next couple panels Janis and Arlo argue about whether or not Janis had ever told Arlo that her grandmother was put in a home. Arlo says it was probably her previous husband she told that to. Arlo calls her a dumpster for cum and mentions that she once lived in a van with a black, and now she lives in a real house Arlo bought with money from the comic strip she hates so much.
In the next panels, Janis leaves and her son Gene comes in. Arlo is sitting on the couch, frustrated. Gene says to Arlo "Hey, Dad." Then Arlo says "Don't call me Dad, kid."

Blind people are sneaky, and if they don't hear any paper crinkling, they will call you on it, even if you are making up the most erotic Miss Buxley-centric Beetle Bailey Sunday strip ever. The moral of this story is don't ever try to read the Sunday comics to blind people.

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The Food Awards

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1st
closest to my house
The Don't Take the Bun Off Award has been stolen by the BK from the Hardees that closed. The patties are rougher than the skin on Christina Aguilera's face. I don't really have a problem with it, but I leave the bun on. If you were having intercourse with Christina Aguilera, you wouldn't take the bag off her head, would you?
But I eat there all the time, it's just a couple blocks. You really can ask them to do it your way. Extra lettuce and tomatoes, on a moderate "junior" size whopper is practically healthy until you ask them to put the mayo on.

2nd
closest to my house
The flavorless steak sandwich at Quizno's had me asking for different sauce and putting on hot peppers. Subway has toasting power too -- just as good for cheaper. But like 1 out of every 100 Americans in the Middle West I just happen to have a Quizno's closer. I only went there once. It just opened. I will give a shot to the new soup bread bowl. But a bread bowl has to have great chewy bread suitable for ripping and dipping. Consider yourself warned, Q.

3rd
closest to my house
Where can I get those mouth-watering sandwiches from the Arby's ads? Because you damn for sure can't get them at Arby's. A more truthful ad campaign: "Arby's. It wasn't actually run over by a bus, it just looks like that --- guaranteed."

4th
closest to my house

McDowells

'Nuff said.

5th
closest to my house
I know three whole people who literally love Wendy's chicken sandwiches. I don't eat chicken so I wouldn't know. But Wendy's has good burgers and a great dollar menu. It makes your kitchen all hot and takes an hour and a half to bake a potato, but it might as well take forty days, because they're a dollar at Wendy's. And the chili? So what if Dave Thomas was a fascist who contributed to far-far-right slush funds? Was Leia bad because Darth Vader was her father? No, she was hot and delicious.

6th
closest to my house
Cold Stone Creamery, where they chop up your ice cream, has a "Sweet Cream" flavor. It tastes like butter. They had to use a code. You just cant tell people you have a butter ice cream. There were art riots in Paris, and there could be a butter ice cream riot in Wisconsin. They also have a cake batter flavor that's like licking God's mixing spoon. It would be cold, too, out in space where God lives, and watches out for us, and gives us angels like Ernest Kenesaw Mountain Coldstone, the founder of this creamery.
I am not embarrassed to say I go there every week if I can drag people. I have no problem saying "Get an ice cream, dude?" to a new friend. I have hung out in bars, and it's great to tip bartenders. Sometimes they will buy you a drink, eventually, if they even ever look at you. But tip teenage ice cream clerks and they will feel it in their hearts and REMEMBER. I call it Mixingate. The best part is instead of chopping up my extra ice cream and extra mixins where the other customers can see it, they chop it up on the back overflow table. They chop it up on the back table in secret! Call Tubbs. And call me if you want to go get ice cream because I got that mixin hookup. Don't ask for pretzels. Cold Stone only does mixins, and pretzels are really more of a topping.

Hairpin Segue: My favorite ice cream topping is what else? Pringle. (If you crush up Pringles they become Pringle.) Pringle can only be sprinkled on the top of ice cream. And it must be eaten immediately, before the Pringle dissolves into the mashed potato goo it's made of. And sprinkling Pringle on ice cream should only be done around people who will not call you "fatty."

7th
closest to my house
If they ever catch me for those paperboys I killed when that shit Reagan was in the White House, Jimmy John's will be my final meal.

Fast food restaurants not even close to my house:
In N' Out Burger -- 1,800 miles
Wahoo's Fish Tacos -- 1,200 miles
Pollo Loco -- 75 miles
George Webb's -- 12 miles (still a little far for GW)

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