I wrote some new racist epithets.

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Are you sick of using the same old hate speech? Epithets lose their value over time. They are adopted by the persons they are meant to insult, and their power diminishes with continued contextual use. New, original slurs will keep us all on our toes. A new epithet is like a recreational drug that is just introduced, before any legislation is passed on it. You can use them in polite company and everyone squirms but no one can say anything. It is delightful to be an obnoxious bastard.

Italians - When was the last time you heard anyone say awful things about Italians? Too long. Are they still wearing gold chains and speedos? How about Speedos.

Jews - I don't know how they got that rap for being cheap. Most of the Jews I know are kind of spendy. Have you been to an upscale mall lately? It's like being in Tel Aviv. Let's call them Spendos. I think they'll hate it!

Irish - They don't just eat potatoes, they look like them. Taters. It'll bounce right off their prognathic brows, but whatever. People with a little bit of Irish in them are Spudbloods.

Whites - Racists. They probably are, too. Racist is the worst epithet for anyone and it only applies to white people. If they are off-the-reservation racist, then calling them racist will be a badge of honor. Call them part black. That dog'll hunt!

Blacks - The n-word still works to offend n-worders, but talk about played. Just calling them The Blacks can be pretty offensive, if you get your stresses just right, overpronounce, and cock your head a tiny fraction of a inch.

Hispanics - I call them all Latinas, feigning ignorance. If you hang out with some Hispanics it is real easy to offend them. Muy sensitivo! Call Mexico New Mexico. If they are from Central or South America, jumble the countries. Tell them you've been to their country and describe another country. Describe Cambodia. Mention his country's backwards natives. Mention the tripe-eating. Hispanics are an obnoxious bastard's gold mine.

Polish - Polak is a Polish word meaning "Polish man." Polock is the shabbiest epithet ever. Like misspelling is mean. Who came up with that, the goddam Polish? Since they are all named "ski" let us call them "Skeeds." Plus it sounds kind of dirtball, like some dishwater blond kid in high-tops selling big bags of low-quality doobage in an alley off Kinnickinnic.

Muslims - Another fat target, but simple cracks like Qu'ranberries, Camelinguists, Ragtops, Turbanados, all miss the fragile beauty of their victim. Tragically, these people love their religion -- so much that they will tell you all about it if you ask them. Ask all nice and civilized for a while, get them relaxed, then bring out the guns, 9/11 etc. and watch them go ashen. Quid pro quo.

Germans - Potsies. 'Nuff said.

Chinese - Mao Maos

Japanese - Nippos. I didn't change it much. They think they're so superior it couldn't matter less. Japan calls itself Nippon. They don't correct us when we say Japan because they don't care what goes on in our gai-jin pea brains.

Filipinos - Peeners. This one is particularly fun to say.

Vietnamese - Fish Sauce Schleps. Say it 3 times fast to someone from Viet Nam.

I thought I'd have a lot more but racism really takes it out of me.

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