I wrote a letter to my niece.

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Dear Pansy,

I do not care about what one shoelace says to the other shoelace. If I encountered a talking shoelace I would step on it like a snake and squish it until it was dead. And the shoelace blood would be all over my shoe and the floor and his talking shoelace family would starve to death in the cold murmuring "papa, papa."

Furthermore, elephants are not funny to talk about. They are emotional animals that are constantly tortured by their depraved 'human' caretakers. I refer you to these websites, 1, 2, and, 3 and I hope you regret your choice of these majestic, troubled elehumans as the subject of your "humor."

I know blind people. As a little girl of merely eight, you have probably never met a blind person. This is why you speak of them so rudely. You must be the stupidest little girl on earth if you think that a blind person would confuse an elephant for a grape. They are not even the same size.

I don't even think you get some of the jokes you tell. They resort to a wild absurdism that may provoke a response, but ultimately prove flaccid and cheap when thought out. These jokes are commonly called "groaners" and they are the kind of jokes fascist leader Ernesto Mussolini enjoyed very much.

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"Arancio voi felici non ho detto la banana" -- Mussolini

Children like you should be seen and not heard or even seen. If you want to tell jokes, tell racist jokes from 1970s Hustlers. Otherwise you look like a queer. Queers are the only people that think banana jokes are funny. Tell that to your faggot baby sister too.

Signed,
Uncle Lando

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