The Twelve Drinks of Christmas

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Here are some non-alcoholic beverages to enjoy the holiday season a little more responsibly with, if you are into that sort of thing.

12. The Lords A' Leaping
Put raisins in a glass of Sprite. Amaze the grandkids with how the raisins rise and fall with the bubbles, just like the Lords A' Leaping from the movie. Works 100 times better with Champagne but don't use Champagne, drunky.

11. The Triple Fizz
2 tablets fizzy stomach medicine (lemon), 2 fizzy arthritis tablets (lemon), 1 fizzy nutritional supplement package (raspberry). Enjoy the fizzing -- it's as exciting as this drink gets.

10. The Bojangles
Just like a Shirley Temple but add bitters and Worcestershire sauce until black. It's pretty tough to drink for having no booze.

9. The Holly-Berry
Same as 10 except add 1/4 the bitters and Worcestershire. Garnish with way too much praise.

8. The Sea Crest
Take a glass of milk and gayen with room-temperature water until completely bland.

7. Thunderbird for Kids
Fill a pewter cup with red grape juice and microwave a few seconds to add a metallic taste. Perfect for your 'little hobo.'

6. The Integrated Cola
1/3 Coke, 1/3 Pepsi, 1/3 RC. It's like homemade store-brand cola!

5. Mr. Claus's Sack
Regular ginger ale but served from a baggie.

4. The No-Gettin-Blitzen
Gin and tonic but use, say, pineapple juice instead of Gin. Or something else. Enjoy your drive.

3. The Krampus
Non-alcoholic beer served piping hot in a mug. It tastes terrible, but AA-type alcoholics and designated drivers are social betas and don't have the status to complain.

2. North Pole Sunrise
Like a Tequila Sunrise but use non-alcoholic Tequila, if there is such a thing. I don't know why there would be, but that's # 2.

1. The Christmas Drink
Any drink with no sweet brown bourbon. Not a drop. If you want to waste ice and time make this drink and drink it.

'Who put this Christmas Drink in my Christmas Drink?!'
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