I wrote a letter to R. Kelly.

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Bob,

I have no faith in the legal system or Chicago. Cook County is as crooked as origami birds. You will probably get off. People will show up on the tv trying to explain it, how the baroque time-honored process of law dropped an easy one again, even with a videotape. Laws simply don't apply to a person of your stature.

And speaking of videotaping peeing on teenaged girls, what's with that? What are you, German? Save it for the Friedrichstraße, Gunter. You're quadrupling up on your perversions. Pick ONE, if that. And don't pick "destroying the fragile minds of adolescents" please. "Crushing the trust native to the sweet, simple souls of young women" should also not be considered a keeper, you regusting eel. Being urinated on is unenjoyable, especially for rosy-cheeked teens who have not had time to develop the angst that engenders sick quirks, but thanks for helping.

Did you piss on Aalyiah when she was fifteen and you married her? Robert Harmenszoon Kelly! Is your new single going to be "Pissed on an Angel?" You might as well hit the Pieta with a hammer, you awful man.

You broke my heart! I was a big fan. I thought all that creepy stuff you sing about was just for a goof. For a goof! And then I find out about the fifteen-year olds and fourteen year olds. You may say that Age Ain't Nothing But a Number but I say that Age IS Nothing But a Number. I really do think you should go to jail -- maybe a nice five-year sentence. Out in two! That way I can forgive you and start listening to your songs again, and I can stop listening to Lloyd. Plus when you come out you'll have all sorts of new tattoos and a new religion and even more troubling deviances. Won't that all be fun?

Love,
Loland

That pederast R. Kelly

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