The Food Awards

.
.
.

1st
closest to my house
The Don't Take the Bun Off Award has been stolen by the BK from the Hardees that closed. The patties are rougher than the skin on Christina Aguilera's face. I don't really have a problem with it, but I leave the bun on. If you were having intercourse with Christina Aguilera, you wouldn't take the bag off her head, would you?
But I eat there all the time, it's just a couple blocks. You really can ask them to do it your way. Extra lettuce and tomatoes, on a moderate "junior" size whopper is practically healthy until you ask them to put the mayo on.

2nd
closest to my house
The flavorless steak sandwich at Quizno's had me asking for different sauce and putting on hot peppers. Subway has toasting power too -- just as good for cheaper. But like 1 out of every 100 Americans in the Middle West I just happen to have a Quizno's closer. I only went there once. It just opened. I will give a shot to the new soup bread bowl. But a bread bowl has to have great chewy bread suitable for ripping and dipping. Consider yourself warned, Q.

3rd
closest to my house
Where can I get those mouth-watering sandwiches from the Arby's ads? Because you damn for sure can't get them at Arby's. A more truthful ad campaign: "Arby's. It wasn't actually run over by a bus, it just looks like that --- guaranteed."

4th
closest to my house

McDowells

'Nuff said.

5th
closest to my house
I know three whole people who literally love Wendy's chicken sandwiches. I don't eat chicken so I wouldn't know. But Wendy's has good burgers and a great dollar menu. It makes your kitchen all hot and takes an hour and a half to bake a potato, but it might as well take forty days, because they're a dollar at Wendy's. And the chili? So what if Dave Thomas was a fascist who contributed to far-far-right slush funds? Was Leia bad because Darth Vader was her father? No, she was hot and delicious.

6th
closest to my house
Cold Stone Creamery, where they chop up your ice cream, has a "Sweet Cream" flavor. It tastes like butter. They had to use a code. You just cant tell people you have a butter ice cream. There were art riots in Paris, and there could be a butter ice cream riot in Wisconsin. They also have a cake batter flavor that's like licking God's mixing spoon. It would be cold, too, out in space where God lives, and watches out for us, and gives us angels like Ernest Kenesaw Mountain Coldstone, the founder of this creamery.
I am not embarrassed to say I go there every week if I can drag people. I have no problem saying "Get an ice cream, dude?" to a new friend. I have hung out in bars, and it's great to tip bartenders. Sometimes they will buy you a drink, eventually, if they even ever look at you. But tip teenage ice cream clerks and they will feel it in their hearts and REMEMBER. I call it Mixingate. The best part is instead of chopping up my extra ice cream and extra mixins where the other customers can see it, they chop it up on the back overflow table. They chop it up on the back table in secret! Call Tubbs. And call me if you want to go get ice cream because I got that mixin hookup. Don't ask for pretzels. Cold Stone only does mixins, and pretzels are really more of a topping.

Hairpin Segue: My favorite ice cream topping is what else? Pringle. (If you crush up Pringles they become Pringle.) Pringle can only be sprinkled on the top of ice cream. And it must be eaten immediately, before the Pringle dissolves into the mashed potato goo it's made of. And sprinkling Pringle on ice cream should only be done around people who will not call you "fatty."

7th
closest to my house
If they ever catch me for those paperboys I killed when that shit Reagan was in the White House, Jimmy John's will be my final meal.

Fast food restaurants not even close to my house:
In N' Out Burger -- 1,800 miles
Wahoo's Fish Tacos -- 1,200 miles
Pollo Loco -- 75 miles
George Webb's -- 12 miles (still a little far for GW)

.