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In England they call Santa Claus "Mr. John Claus" and he wears a red deerstalker cap and smokes a calabash. Children are not permitted to sit on his lap but they can exchange brief nods from across the train station as he reads the paper. On Christmas, English kids eat pudding that is not from single-serve containers and a type of duck called "Goose." Good children receive pepper candies and buttered chestnuts and naughty children get the business with a riding crop on their bare bottoms until their buttocks shine striped hot and red.
In Italy Santa Claus is named Rizzo Claus and he wears fingerless gloves and a red speedo, dropping gold chains and dirty comic books into the pointy shoes of little Italian children, who leave out a little dab of hair gel for him next to a potted olive tree.
On the island of Malau it is the oldest unmarried child's responsibility to provide a Christmas feast for the family. They often tell a story there about a Malausi girl who had gotten a moorhen after one year's holiday celebration, promising to fatten it up for the next Christmas dinner. But the girl had started feeding it by hand, and by the monsoon season they were allowing it to walk around the hut like one of the family. They even named the moorhen "Pete." When Christmastime came around again, she did not think she had it in her to put Pete on the chopping block. So they ate the dog.
In Bulgaria it is not Santa who hands out toys and presents but his sinister companion, Lurthamog. Lurthamog of the Fallen Darkness, Slayer of Light! Lurthamog has six rotating sets of horns on his head, both his fangs and eyes are located in a gigantic wolf's jaw, and he is commonly depicted with a massive barbed penis. "Be nice this Christmas," say the old Bulgarian grandmothers "Or you'll get it in the ass with Lurthamog's spiked shaft!" And no one sets out a Christmas dinner table like the Bulgarians: Warm Cabbage Slaw, Cooked Cabbage, Cabbage in Water, Pan Cabbage, Cabbage Mush, Brown Cabbage & Beets with Cabbage sauce, and for dessert, a crisp wedge of room-temperature Christmas Cabbage!
In Ireland Christmas comes for the children one or two days late. On the morning of the 25th, children usually just find the person they suspect may be their father passed out in a "Yule Puddle" near the fireplace. Christmas Day is the one day Irish children are not allowed to say "Fuck" during their prayers. No, it does not snow in Ireland, that's actually dandruff, but it is festive nonetheless.
In Detroit they invented this spurious holiday called Kwanzaa to take advantage of day-after sales at the Zayre's. Santa Claus is depicted as a black man with a white beard, but most black kids know he is really a white. Kwanzaa is a time to wear tall brimless cylindrical hats.
In Texas they start celebrating Christmas on October 5 because there's no law against that or anything else. They string lights around the Christmas Tumbleweed and re-gift the bullets and bolo ties and Bible Books-on-CD they got last year. After a Christmas dinner of ribs and beef ribs, they attend church in an aluminum sided warehouse right off a ramp on Highway 44 to hear Rev. Jimmy Ray's homily on how Christmas didn't matter to Jimmy Ray back when he was in a motorcycle gang dealing angel dust up and down that same 44. It's actually pretty entertaining and worth a couple bucks in the tray -- It's Christmas.
In Italy Santa Claus is named Rizzo Claus and he wears fingerless gloves and a red speedo, dropping gold chains and dirty comic books into the pointy shoes of little Italian children, who leave out a little dab of hair gel for him next to a potted olive tree.
On the island of Malau it is the oldest unmarried child's responsibility to provide a Christmas feast for the family. They often tell a story there about a Malausi girl who had gotten a moorhen after one year's holiday celebration, promising to fatten it up for the next Christmas dinner. But the girl had started feeding it by hand, and by the monsoon season they were allowing it to walk around the hut like one of the family. They even named the moorhen "Pete." When Christmastime came around again, she did not think she had it in her to put Pete on the chopping block. So they ate the dog.
In Bulgaria it is not Santa who hands out toys and presents but his sinister companion, Lurthamog. Lurthamog of the Fallen Darkness, Slayer of Light! Lurthamog has six rotating sets of horns on his head, both his fangs and eyes are located in a gigantic wolf's jaw, and he is commonly depicted with a massive barbed penis. "Be nice this Christmas," say the old Bulgarian grandmothers "Or you'll get it in the ass with Lurthamog's spiked shaft!" And no one sets out a Christmas dinner table like the Bulgarians: Warm Cabbage Slaw, Cooked Cabbage, Cabbage in Water, Pan Cabbage, Cabbage Mush, Brown Cabbage & Beets with Cabbage sauce, and for dessert, a crisp wedge of room-temperature Christmas Cabbage!
In Ireland Christmas comes for the children one or two days late. On the morning of the 25th, children usually just find the person they suspect may be their father passed out in a "Yule Puddle" near the fireplace. Christmas Day is the one day Irish children are not allowed to say "Fuck" during their prayers. No, it does not snow in Ireland, that's actually dandruff, but it is festive nonetheless.
In Detroit they invented this spurious holiday called Kwanzaa to take advantage of day-after sales at the Zayre's. Santa Claus is depicted as a black man with a white beard, but most black kids know he is really a white. Kwanzaa is a time to wear tall brimless cylindrical hats.
In Texas they start celebrating Christmas on October 5 because there's no law against that or anything else. They string lights around the Christmas Tumbleweed and re-gift the bullets and bolo ties and Bible Books-on-CD they got last year. After a Christmas dinner of ribs and beef ribs, they attend church in an aluminum sided warehouse right off a ramp on Highway 44 to hear Rev. Jimmy Ray's homily on how Christmas didn't matter to Jimmy Ray back when he was in a motorcycle gang dealing angel dust up and down that same 44. It's actually pretty entertaining and worth a couple bucks in the tray -- It's Christmas.
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What are you, holding a book? You've got use your hands, your arms, your body. Amateur!
