tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78855905846551252842024-03-05T06:29:04.953+00:00Loland Kapuchinski's WeblogLoland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-75153158369261471822011-10-27T04:29:00.000+00:002011-10-27T05:27:48.115+00:00Psych is the most racist show on television.<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">I know because I watch it. (Not enough to know the characters' names.) But there is a black guy and there is a white guy and they are in every scene. The comic talents of the two heretofore nameless actors are both middlin' and the personalities of the two characters are interchangeable, but in every scene the white guy says the choice line and the black guy is relegated to rejoinders. I call upon the two main actors in this series, Herman Goldberg and Shavontez Roosevelt, to differentiate characters and stop being racist or racialist.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">Shavontez Roosevelt</span></b>
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">needs our help!</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></b></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-7054406525770704012011-10-14T22:39:00.000+00:002011-10-20T19:31:51.461+00:00I wrote some palindromes.<br />
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I am the king of exactly halfway finished palindromes. But here are some palindromes <span style="font-size: x-large;">THAT REQUIRE NO EXPLANATION.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If I was a wi-fi.</span><br />
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Twas aemsborrobsmea! Saw 't!<br />
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Are we not aemsborrobsmea to new era?<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Here are a few I wrote in ancient Marathi </span>(<i>hopefully your browser is set up to read Devanagari-2 encoding</i>):<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i></span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i></span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i> </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-style: italic;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i> </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><i><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span></i><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fffff2; font-size: 24px;"><br /></span><br />
(I attended the Wat Purnima festival with my uncle, a sheepshear.)<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i> </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i></span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i></span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i> </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"> </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;"><i>👓</i></span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓 </span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><i><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span><span style="background-color: #fffff2;">👓</span></i></span><br />
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(Life is like an unbuttered pav.)<br />
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<span style="color: #999999; font-size: x-small;"><i>Alright, so I wrote 1 palindrome.</i></span>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-54024277658263490412011-09-02T02:20:00.003+00:002011-10-16T18:11:00.717+00:00Things I have written in emails to my boss who doesn't read my emails.<br />
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"Colin Fredricks has yet to return your call. Dana Peale has yet to return your call. When speaking to Dana, remember she has a sultry phone voice but is mannish in person."<br />
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"The head of their board of directors was in The Spanic Boys. Decent band, kinda gay, but 10 times better than Lady Antebellum."<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">"The letter to Dana Peale will be published in a book of poems: <i>The Tree Thief: Metaphysical Ecoconsciousness, </i>edited by my college girlfriend Myra Metzer. The book will be available for $0. She accepts donations, so she may continue her work, but only in the form of 'Big Red Barn Cooperative Dollars.' She will not accept or even handle US currency."</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">"I'll deflate your inflatable goat and check the airline schedules."<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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"I think I should flat out just tell our intern to bleach her moustache. Where is her mother?"<br />
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"I will get Jimmy John's for the meeting. I will not get Toppers pizza. Toppers is a blight. Toppers thinks it can just muscle its way up to the pizza trough in Milwaukee, all market saturation and no excellence of pie. What's with the outrageous prices? Toppers needs to get over itself and its boilerplate product. Their slogan could be 'Toppers: Our pizzas are circular.' If I want Little Caesar's I call Little Caesar's."<br />
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Subject of email: "Colony collapse syndrome is a scam by big honey."<br />
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"James Lee stopped by the office in your absence. I had no clue he was Asian."<br />
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"Regarding bring your daughter to work day, I don't have a daughter so can I bring a case of Schlitz?"</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">"As per your request, I will no longer be concerned about the money your non-profit pays you for consulting. With your permission, I will continue to think it hilarious."</span></div>
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</span></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-65199923086414203672011-09-01T06:54:00.007+00:002011-09-01T07:02:12.101+00:00I have not posted in a while and this is a great way to tell you that I now have a son!!!<div style="text-align: center;"><span><u>
<br /></u></span></div>
<br /><div style="background-color: transparent; "><span id="internal-source-marker_0.8654311648570001" style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; background-color: transparent; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">HI! I guess most of you know, there's a new Kowpoke in the Kapuchinski Klan Korral! He's so good looking that I think I'm having "gay panic." It's like the feeling when Paul Newman comes on screen unexpectedly and I make a little gasp. I want to make love to the little guy!</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; background-color: transparent; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">I really thought I'd never have a child to call my own, to love and to mold, to teach the things my father taught me. Like how to fish. My son will fish with me. "My son and I are going fishing" "My son." I just like saying the words. I want to climb a mountain and shout "I have a son! I finally have a son."</span>
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<br /><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; background-color: transparent; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">My wife Jane already put in the paperwork to call him "Cicci" which is pronounced Chee-Chee. The lawyer she keeps on retainer informs me this is her right. I think I will call him "Buck" though, in honor of the Milwaukee Bucks. "Buck" is what we currently call our adopted son, but fair is fair. I have a son!</span></div><div style="background-color: transparent; "><span style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: Arial; background-color: transparent; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; ">
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<br /></span></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-91217628034056600952009-08-20T19:00:00.003+00:002009-08-20T19:43:54.037+00:00Top 10 Maritime Disaster Songs<div style="text-align: right;"><object height="364" width="445"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/1tRoK00ZksE&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00&border=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/1tRoK00ZksE&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="364" width="445"></embed></object><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div><br /><br />1. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot<br /><br />2. Sultana - Son Volt<br /><br />3. The Sinking of the Reuben James - The Kingston Trio<br /><br />4. Turkish Song Of The Damned - The Pogues<br /><br />5. Seaward and Gone - Beck<br /><br />6. Sloop John B. - The Beach Boys<br /><br />7. The Scuttle of the SMS Derfflinger - David Hasslehoff<br /><br />8. Pontoon Down! My Deposit! - Viva Water Law<br /><br />9. The Rime of the Ancient Vulgarian - Evinrude Boyz<br /><br />10. Qui a Oublié le Fucken Cooler? - Alizée<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-31945251592359282692009-08-19T17:17:00.001+00:002009-08-19T17:20:47.432+00:00Whatta Kuntstrad!<object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/b36Yi-Pb1wM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/b36Yi-Pb1wM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x234900&color2=0x4e9e00&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-55727106203408739842009-07-29T15:52:00.004+00:002009-07-29T15:57:52.388+00:00Stop the Robot Violence!<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSF3jGmQFOswO5N51F2l_KeBkjbj3fUhENEfRTihhn9Enm4LCcS7g6PhVgmty6OgXN8sQvywAKbas-SWwTIgoLXVpYud9IoDXV-lhZO-NzF59be4FKd6kWcpOUlXPxzb8fcenpV_b18s2k/s1600-h/robot-rappers2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 243px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSF3jGmQFOswO5N51F2l_KeBkjbj3fUhENEfRTihhn9Enm4LCcS7g6PhVgmty6OgXN8sQvywAKbas-SWwTIgoLXVpYud9IoDXV-lhZO-NzF59be4FKd6kWcpOUlXPxzb8fcenpV_b18s2k/s400/robot-rappers2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5363911675540955138" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-22856185876474828832009-05-15T00:35:00.004+00:002009-08-12T18:53:33.266+00:00I made a new word -- Vageinstein!<div style="text-align: right; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Let's say you were talking about how your new boyfriend is really good in bed, you could say:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"He's a real Vageinstein!"</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5uSTIRHuhlfOuaK47xXFiqEffuZMD7z55fPS80fBK6Qmzrl7tO6iHWdWBWzG133KtMwAA2xTg-YESqa8z2udHMLypbG3p9KDsd7kOqPNVLTRrhNXkLva4n-N2Z6Jx7GNCZ9q6ZFNzTys/s1600-h/vageinstein2noanusC.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 325px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha5uSTIRHuhlfOuaK47xXFiqEffuZMD7z55fPS80fBK6Qmzrl7tO6iHWdWBWzG133KtMwAA2xTg-YESqa8z2udHMLypbG3p9KDsd7kOqPNVLTRrhNXkLva4n-N2Z6Jx7GNCZ9q6ZFNzTys/s400/vageinstein2noanusC.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335845331356733074" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:78%;" >Copyright and Restricted Rights Notice<br /><br />© 2009 All rights reserved. Unauthorized use prohibited.<br /><br />The term "Vageinstein" and all variants, spellings, depictions, or uses thereof may not be reproduced in whole or in part, used, sold, modified, or transmitted to any third party without Loland Kapuchinski’s Weblog's and/or its affiliates' and/or associated legal entities' prior written approval, and these licensees may only display, publish, copy, print, post or use "Vageinstein" pending agreements entered into by the licensee and Loland Kapuchinski’s Weblog and/or its affiliates and/or associated legal entities, subject to fair use, such as limited copying for purposes of scientific research and criticism. By accessing Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog you acknowledge the terms and conditions contained herein and agree to comply with them.<br /><br />Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog may cede or otherwise transfer its rights and obligations to the concept "Vageinstein" in terms of these terms and conditions to a third party. Any failure on the part of Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog to enforce any right toward the concept "Vageinstein" in terms hereof shall in no means constitute a concision or waiver of these rights. If any term or condition stated herein is declared invalid, the remaining terms and conditions will remain in full force and effect.<br /><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">Kopyrighten und eingeschränkte Recht-Nachricht</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">© 2009 alle Rechte vorbehalten. Nicht autorisierter Gebrauch verboten.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">Der Ausdruck „Vageinstein“ und alle Varianten, Rechtschreibungen, Beschreibungen oder Gebrauch können möglicherweise nicht davon ganz oder teilweise reproduziert werden, irgendeiner Drittpartei ohne L</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">ö</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">land Kapuchinski's Weblog's verwendet werden, verkauft werden, geändert werden oder übermittelt werden und/oder seiner Teilnehmer und/oder vorherige schriftliche Zustimmung der dazugehörigen juristischen Personen, und diese Lizenznehmer können „Vageinstein“ während die Abkommen nur anzeigen, veröffentlichen, kopieren, drucken, bekannt geben oder verwenden, die durch in das Lizenznehmer und Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog und/oder in seine Teilnehmer und/oder in dazugehörigen juristischen Personen abhängig vom fairen Gebrauch, wie begrenzter Kopie zwecks der wissenschaftlichen Forschung und der Kritik abgeschlossen werden. Durch zurückgreifenden Loland Kapuchinskis Weblog bestätigen Sie die Bedingungen, die hierin enthalten werden und sind, mit ihnen einzuwilligen damit einverstanden.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">L</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">ö</span></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">land Kapuchinskis Weblog kann seine Rechte und Verpflichtungen auf das Konzept „Vageinstein“ in diesen Bedingungen ausgedrückt auf eine Drittpartei überlassen oder anders bringen. Jede mögliche Störung vonseiten Loland Kapuchinskis Weblog, irgendwie zu erzwingen berichtigen in Richtung zum Konzept „Vageinstein“ in den Ausdrücken hiervon in keinen Mitteln festsetzt einen Concision oder eine Aufhebung dieser Rechte. Wenn irgendein Ausdruck oder Bedingung, die hierin angegeben werden, erklärtes unzulässiges ist, bleiben die restlichen Bedingungen vollständig Kraft und Effekt.</span></span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">Copyright et notification restreinte de droites</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">© 2009 tous droits réservés. Utilisation non autorisée interdite.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">Le terme « Vageinstein » et toutes les variantes, épellations, descriptions, ou utilisations en ne peuvent être reproduits entièrement ou partiellement, employés, vendus, modifiés, ou transmis à aucun tiers sans Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski et/ou ses filiales et/ou approbation écrite antérieure des personnes morales associées, et ces concessionnaires peuvent seulement montrer, éditer, copier, imprimer, signaler ou employer « Vageinstein » en attendant des accords écrits dans par le Weblog de concessionnaire et de Loland Kapuchinski et/ou ses filiales et/ou personnes morales associées, sujet à l'utilisation juste, telle que la copie limitée aux fins de la recherche scientifique et de la critique. Par Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski de accès vous reconnaissez les termes et conditions générales contenus ci-dessus et acceptez de se conformer à eux.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 78%;">Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski peut céder ou autrement transférer ses droits et engagements au concept « Vageinstein » en termes de ces termes et conditions générales à un tiers. N'importe quel manque de la part de Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski d'imposer juste vers le concept « Vageinstein » en termes de ceci dans aucuns moyens constituera une concision ou une levée de ces droites. Si n'importe quelle limite ou condition indiquée ci-dessus est inadmissible avoué, les termes et conditions générales restants demeureront entièrement force et effet.</span></span>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-57397898604082888242009-05-14T16:58:00.008+00:002011-12-10T20:20:28.059+00:00The introduction to my 2002 book: Cinematic Dwarves<span style="color: black; font-size: 130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />Subtitled: <span style="font-style: italic;">How Chad Lowe and the Black Hand of Elite Hollywood Short Guys Control the Industry.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 85%;">My wife Jane enjoys a few glasses of red wine before bed, and she has the cutest chubby little fingers. I love each and every one of them, but they just don't possess the nimbleness required to handle a wineglass. A few years ago, Jane spilled a little vino into the laptop that the book I was writing was on. The data was irretrievable, but I forgave my wife instantly and completely. I never make fun of her fingers, which I call "my nummy widdle sausages" but now I remove all glassware from her hand and serve her her wine in a large-handled plastic safety container reminding her "We don't want any accidents!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-size: 85%;">All I have left from my years of exhaustive documentation and writing are these intro passages from the inner and outer jacket. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">The journey of research and realization recounted in this novel stems from a very personal experience. I saw Wesley Snipes and how short he was in the D.C. train station. I wasn't taking a train. I was just buying a pretzel. Wesley Snipes was dazzlingly good looking and dapper in his purple hat and on his way to the NCAAP awards being held in D.C. the same night as my cousin's wedding. Wesley Snipes is a good egg for going to that NCAAP awards show. He's great. I love his movies and I once edited some </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wesley_Snipes&diff=66899567&oldid=66665338" style="color: black;">slander</a><span style="color: black;"> out of his wikipedia page, so it is not lightly or with any malice that I tell you: Wesley Snipes was not an inch over five feet tall. I had to actually squat to look at his face under the brim of his purple hat. It was no trick of the light. It's not like you need to have shortdar. It's not like gaydar or toupeedar, requiring skills of nuanced judgment that are not universal. Even children are accurate in gauging if someone is taller or shorter than them.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I saw a little Piven at a baseball game and he was great, but he was so tiny. He looked like a baby with his round head and chubby cheeks. He was a manbaby. I wanted to pick him up, and I don't know, just hold him? I'm pretty sure I asked. You've got to ask the tough questions, sometimes. Hard-hitting, mind-punishing questions. Questions I call "The Noodle Busters." Like why is Wesley Snipes so short? Why are a lot of celebrities kind of short? You ask questions then those questions start asking questions.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">I hope this book asks those hard questions, then answers those questions harder. My research has inexorably concluded this worldwide conspiracy of Elite Hollywood Short People goes on right in front of our faces in our movies, our television shows, and our commercials. Piece together the snugly fitting fragments:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Movie and TV studio sets need to be locked down because they are designed by a closed cadre of workmen who have taken an oath never to tell the public they build their sets in 7/10 scale.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Ask any Director and he will tell you. Directing a movie is largely about one thing: framing the shots so that these tiny individuals don't look as bizarre on camera as they do in real life. It's called "forced perspective" and it's not always possible. In the movie <span style="font-style: italic;">Minority Report</span>, normal-sized actor Max Von Sydow was paired with thumb-sized boy man Tom Cruise and Stephen Spielberg tried to get them as far away from each other as he could every shot, but it still looks like Max could pop off Tom's head and swallow it like a pill.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Did you know Tom Cruise is careful never to be photgraphed with any coins or dollar bills or any universally sized item that people could use to get a sense of the scale of the actor?</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Did you know if Mel Gibson was just an inch taller, he wouldn't be an anti-semite, </span><span style="color: black;">a heretic, </span><span style="color: black;">or an alcoholic? Like Robert Downey Jr. and most other short people, Mel just can't process alcohol or major religions.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Did you know the average height for Australians is 5' 1"? But converted to Australian (or <span style="font-style: italic;">Crookaroo</span>) that's 5'11"!</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Did you know Chris O'Donnell used to live in a toadstool like a Smurf? The man is three apples high.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: black;">Did you know a lot of these short actors like Wesley Snipes have great bodies because it's easier for short people to work out? How far do you lift a weight? An arm length. Shorter arms means you're moving it less of a distance. He's probably got a really high metabolism like a squirrel. That's just science. </span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: black;">Wesley Snipes is fit as a fiddle and could literally beat me up with one hand tied behind his back. He could beat me up with the hand that was tied up, because his thumb is stronger than my whole body. But I was hit by an epiphanic thunderbolt the moment I saw how short Wesley Snipes is. It all unraveled for me, the curtain flew back and I could see the men working behind the scenes. The Scientologists. Entertainment lawyers. The men who make special shoes for Russell Crowe, who has feet like a Geisha. A petite but sinister shadow conspiracy concieved in Australia and now run by Chad Lowe, a modern day Adam Weishaupt. This is the story of scores of other smart vicious men in the spirit of Napoleon. This is the story of the schemes and plots these gnomes conduct on a massive scale. It is a story of thousands of California co-conspirators and millions of their unwilling, unwitting benefactors -- movie audiences everywhere. This is the story of a Chad Lowe you didn't meet when he played that retarded kid on that show. Subtle and brilliant, Chad Lowe is a ruthless mastermind with thirsts for cocaine and grisly porn and a taste for vengeance. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;">This is the story of the littlest guys and the biggest lies, propped up by a complex architecture of misinformation and intrigue that spreads to every facet of the entertainment industry. We must out all the closeted short people, to cleanse our society from their lies, and for the common dignity of short people everywhere. It is misogyny to suggest that women, in all cases, be shorter than men. It would improve the mental health of short men to know that their favorite actors are themselves tiny despite mad attempts to avoid the fact. Disseminating this information can stop these little fellows from manipulating our minds and the movie industry. Metaphorically, we don't want them jumping out of the pies they're baked in and biting us on the finger like Jack did to the giant. </span><span style="color: black; font-style: italic;">This is the story of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Cinematic Dwarves</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9TBx4aYtBPFxAZq_4JnQ8pRyzsiYSTh7ARwpKCV7ryF3ZIth0Vs_R2w6I-WgkbHcgibstGuOIrrHAL681UsA3p8E3ex3Vt85i9SXnkrzJNFOwwgdMMZF830o3CV0V_v1acGjzyYEkbTUp/s1600-h/cinet1.gif"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335747263599519074" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9TBx4aYtBPFxAZq_4JnQ8pRyzsiYSTh7ARwpKCV7ryF3ZIth0Vs_R2w6I-WgkbHcgibstGuOIrrHAL681UsA3p8E3ex3Vt85i9SXnkrzJNFOwwgdMMZF830o3CV0V_v1acGjzyYEkbTUp/s320/cinet1.gif" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 221px;" /></a><span style="color: black; font-size: 85%;"><br />It should be noted that not all celebrities are short. I saw Famke Janssen once and she's about six foot. I saw her lift a horse cart that had fallen on a peasant girl. Then she broke coins with her bare hands in an ale house as the villagers cheered.</span>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-68120099395635644352008-12-03T09:47:00.002+00:002011-10-16T18:16:58.705+00:00Christmas in Other Countries<div align="right">
<span style="color: #ffffcc;">.</span></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJo1HK3i7nH57xwSYzZFREryFvoSDkYpltsUSqo8KvNM7tRqlV_9_N_oYgq_5AQ0UlgSFWxX7W-Z1K0Gw85tBebT5J8T2k3_LKgvtyN_q-W4W_BnRYQx0g_3OGl4HARJbKD7mwV4dyGxEQ/s1600-h/world.gif"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275699967105999794" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJo1HK3i7nH57xwSYzZFREryFvoSDkYpltsUSqo8KvNM7tRqlV_9_N_oYgq_5AQ0UlgSFWxX7W-Z1K0Gw85tBebT5J8T2k3_LKgvtyN_q-W4W_BnRYQx0g_3OGl4HARJbKD7mwV4dyGxEQ/s400/world.gif" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 301px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 299px;" /></a><br />
<div align="right">
<span style="color: #ffffcc; font-weight: bold;">.</span></div>
<div align="left">
<span style="font-weight: bold;">In England</span> they call Santa Claus "Mr. John Claus" and he wears a red deerstalker cap and smokes a calabash. Children are not permitted to sit on his lap but they can exchange brief nods from across the train station as he reads the paper. On Christmas, English kids eat pudding that is not from single-serve containers and a type of duck called "Goose." Good children receive pepper candies and buttered chestnuts and naughty children get the business with a riding crop on their bare bottoms until their buttocks shine striped hot and red.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">In </span><span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1216277153_0" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 102, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; cursor: pointer; font-weight: bold;">Italy</span> <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1216277153_1" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(0, 102, 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; cursor: pointer;">Santa Claus</span> is named Rizzo Claus and he wears fingerless gloves and a red speedo, dropping gold chains and dirty comic books into the pointy shoes of little Italian children, who leave out a little dab of hair gel for him next to a potted olive tree.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">On the island of Malau</span> it is the oldest unmarried child's responsibility to provide a Christmas feast for the family. They often tell a story there about a Malausi girl who had gotten a moorhen after one year's holiday celebration, promising to fatten it up for the next Christmas dinner. But the girl had started feeding it by hand, and by the monsoon season they were allowing it to walk around the hut like one of the family. They even named the moorhen "Pete." When Christmastime came around again, she did not think she had it in her to put Pete on the chopping block. So they ate the dog.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">In Bulgaria</span> it is not Santa who hands out toys and presents but his sinister companion, Lurthamog. Lurthamog of the Fallen Darkness, Slayer of Light! Lurthamog has six rotating sets of horns on his head, both his fangs and eyes are located in a gigantic wolf's jaw, and he is commonly depicted with a massive barbed penis. "Be nice this Christmas," say the old Bulgarian grandmothers "Or you'll get it in the ass with Lurthamog's spiked shaft!" And no one sets out a Christmas dinner table like the Bulgarians: Warm Cabbage Slaw, Cooked Cabbage, Cabbage in Water, Pan Cabbage, Cabbage Mush, Brown Cabbage & Beets with Cabbage sauce, and for dessert, a crisp wedge of room-temperature Christmas Cabbage!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">In Ireland</span> Christmas comes for the children one or two days late. On the morning of the 25th, children usually just find the person they suspect may be their father passed out in a "Yule Puddle" near the fireplace. Christmas Day is the one day Irish children are not allowed to say "Fuck" during their prayers. No, it does not snow in Ireland, that's actually dandruff, but it is festive nonetheless.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">In Detroit </span>they invented this spurious holiday called Kwanzaa to take advantage of day-after sales at the Zayre's. Santa Claus is depicted as a black man with a white beard, but most black kids know he is really a white. Kwanzaa is a time to wear tall brimless cylindrical hats.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">In Texas</span> they start celebrating Christmas on October 5 because there's no law against that or anything else. They string lights around the Christmas Tumbleweed and re-gift the bullets and bolo ties and Bible Books-on-CD they got last year. After a Christmas dinner of ribs and beef ribs, they attend church in an aluminum sided warehouse right off a ramp on Highway 44 to hear Rev. Jimmy Ray's homily on how Christmas didn't matter to Jimmy Ray back when he was in a motorcycle gang dealing angel dust up and down that same 44. It's actually pretty entertaining and worth a couple bucks in the tray -- It's Christmas.</div>
<div align="right">
<span style="color: #ffffcc;">.</span><br />
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<div style="color: #ffffcc; text-align: right;">
. </div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-82571653380127240662008-08-14T18:42:00.003+00:002008-08-14T18:46:31.842+00:00If I Was Stranded on an Island and Could Only Bring Four Recipes...<div align="center"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></div>Coconut Surprise<br /><br />Sandy's Cream of Coconut Soup<br /><br />Seawater Pot Pies<br /><br />Gangrenous Foot Salad<br /><div align="center"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-32767459102983315172008-08-12T21:09:00.004+00:002008-08-12T23:36:32.325+00:00100 Formerly Private Secret Shames of Loland Kapuchinski (redacted version)<div align="right"><u><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></u></div><div align="center"><a href="http://webzoom.freewebs.com/debzdoggz/Stuff/Cartoon%20Stuff/Sad%20dog.gif"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 220px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" height="300" alt="" src="http://webzoom.freewebs.com/debzdoggz/Stuff/Cartoon%20Stuff/Sad%20dog.gif" border="0" /></a><br /></div><ol><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Cold sores that make policemen ask “Are you alright, sir?”<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Bushy chest hair trimmed so it looks like I have pectoral muscles under tee shirt<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Nancy Sinatra Syndrome<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Manifold appreciation for the female form<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Allergies<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Not actually allergic to anything, just crying<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Fountain soda syrup-to-soda mix ratio judgmentalism causing friction between me and Tania, the local gas station attendant.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Motorcycle into pool -- not good for either. I thought it would be like peanut butter and chocolate<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>PORTION REDACTED …but in my defense, she was super ugly<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Saving the world, one me at a time</li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Proud of being excellent sandwich delivery boy<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Fake lower voice still quite high<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Seen PORTION REDACTED four times already this year<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Pooped the bed at camp<br /></li><br /><br /><li>As often as I was able<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Tattoo half-done for eight years. I kept falling asleep. Apparently this Vegas scumbag tattoo institution a $75 dollar cab ride away from the Flaming O has some code of tattoo scumbag junkie ethics that says you can’t tattoo someone who is enjoying a well-earned nap after winning $1100. After all, why would I want to sleep through someone coloring my flesh with a vibrating needle? And these scammer druggies wanted to charge us $300 an hour for the time we spent asleep on two of their many chairs. PORTION REDACTED So it says “Mot” and I think I like it that way, because Mom actually hated tattoos.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Vermouth drinker<br /></li><br /><br /><li>"Sympathetic pregnancy pains" just vermouth sick<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Hate U2<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Into radio rap<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Easily startled<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Know too many Rush lyrics<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Mind is not for rent<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>They don’t call me “Kid Genius” as much anymore .<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>“Plumber’s elbow” actually “tennis elbow”<br /></li><br /><br /><li>“Tennis elbow” actually from pulling it<br /></li><br /><br /><li>“Third nipple” actually huge disgusting mole<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Pee-hole in penis seems to be frowning. Frowning when I look at it. If you were facing it, it would look to be smiling, but no one faces it.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>I used to rap about bowel movements and chewing tobacco with a kid from Immaculate Conception named Pat Flynn, who had no rap name other than Pat Flynn. This is from a rap about using the bathroom, “Bowl Rocker.” “I like to loop it. I eat it then I poop it. When I’m on the mic I get stupid. You poop. I poop. We poop-ed.”<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Pat Flynn and I lost a talent show to good-looking lip-syncers, sisters who also did magic tricks, tarnishing the music industry permanently for us.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Ninety-eight year old grandma leaves me a message -- it took me two weeks to even listen -- I don’t sweat it because that bitch will live to a thousand.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Mock ghetto<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Faux French<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Der baddener German<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Hands soft as lilies<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Decreasing appreciation for my affected, arty penmanship in digital society<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Worst analgrams ever<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Anagrams even worse<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Hundreds of exactly halfway finished palindromes<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li><em>Xanadu</em>, man. He roller skated right into that wall. That's love!<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Onion did not use my story idea “Kansas Schools to Begin Teaching Deckard Was Not a Replicant.”<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Still haven’t decided on weblog name<br /></li><br /><br /><li>What month is this? And the year? Help me out on the day while you’re at it. Then I haven’t missed it! Oh, I did miss it? I missed it.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>I have never learned Grace, the prayer Catholics say before dinner, or I guess eating, but not breakfast. I never learned Grace because we say it together. I don’t even know how it starts. But my being a lousy Catholic is a whole different breast-beating six-volume list of shames in and of itself.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Hummingbirds and jaguars (I’m still listening to the Frente! album!)<br /></li><br /><br /><li>West Texas, then West Allis have bemulleted my person. While my actual hair appears normal, there is a perceptible “shadow mullet” hanging over me.<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Summer sausage and sardines in mustard? Pumpernickel pickle-lily cucumber sandwiches? Commit to a comic diet, why don’t you?<br /></li><br /><br /><li>Nicknamed roomate's girlfriend with messed-up hand “J.T.”<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED<br /></li><br /><br /><li>REDACTED</li></ol><br /><br /><p>Phoning the end in...</p><br /><br /><p><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><strong>Who am I kidding? Not one thing on this list brings me down one notch. I am the notch. As same as I ever was. I will remain the quiet storm, while you are just posing like a fronter. Smell my ass at your leisure, fronter.</strong></span></p><br /><br /><p align="center"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></p>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-22459232057543694122008-08-11T20:22:00.004+00:002008-08-11T20:37:00.535+00:00Slogans for Cities in Wisconsin<div align="right"><span style="color:#ffff99;">.</span><br /></div><div align="left"><strong>Milwaukee</strong></div>Your town's clock tower is pathetic.<br /><br /><strong>Kenosha</strong><br />Next three exits!<br /><br /><strong>Slinger</strong><br />Still callin' margarine oleo.<br /><br /><strong>Egg Harbor</strong><br />Get your FIBs out!<br /><br /><strong>La Crosse</strong><br />The city, not the super lame sport.<br /><br /><strong>Wyalusing</strong><br />Wyalusing is for lovers.<br /><br /><strong>West Salem</strong><br />Home of Harlin Garland's Home.<br /><br /><strong>Janesville</strong><br />We got a Mills Fleet Farm <em>and</em> a Blain's Farm and Fleet. Beat that New York City!<br /><br /><strong>Sparta</strong><br />This is Sparta, WI!!!<br /><br /><strong>Cedarburg</strong><br />Cedarburg: Where you're the black person!<br /><br /><strong>Spring Green</strong><br />The Green Apple<br /><br /><strong>Minocqua</strong><br />If you like rustic, try Minocqua! Everybody works at the mill and we're all using the old twenty dollar bills and drinking malted milk. There's no place to find condoms. Our Blockbuster is mostly tapes. We've still got a problem with drunk Indians on Main Street! It's the Yahtzee on sixes of rustic.<br /><br /><strong>Cudahy</strong><br />Dress casual!<br /><br /><strong>Racine</strong><br />Better than, or as good as, Kenosha.<br /><br /><strong>Mazomanie</strong><br />Home of the ugliest nude beach on the planet. Yikes!<br /><br /><strong>Ashwaubenon</strong><br />Hi-Class!<br /><br /><strong>West Allis</strong><br />Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><em>When I was in high school I thought there was an actual place near Fox Point called "Locke's Point." I couldn't work it into a slogan.</em></span><br /><div align="right"><em><span style="font-size:85%;color:#ffffcc;">.</span></em></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-57658825708710426902008-08-10T21:54:00.010+00:002008-08-11T23:20:49.689+00:00I Wrote Some Limericks in a Bad Mood<div align="center"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></div><div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5_hASU4hgtetBiE0btVJML8GcQJXyDqsu4uFiJORI69e18LUqI6ipbmRnaMfDo0rDGR6NrTbMlsENKvRL1fyQRpUhuCNcvvPcrOM80mxevWOf9v53gfOvdMLPQl7juVj4dGI8B_EzTW1A/s1600-h/limerick.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5233382005701891522" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5_hASU4hgtetBiE0btVJML8GcQJXyDqsu4uFiJORI69e18LUqI6ipbmRnaMfDo0rDGR6NrTbMlsENKvRL1fyQRpUhuCNcvvPcrOM80mxevWOf9v53gfOvdMLPQl7juVj4dGI8B_EzTW1A/s200/limerick.png" border="0" /></a><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">Nantucket</span></strong></div><strong></strong><p></p><p>There once was a young man named Charles<br />Who cried as he stood on the gallows<br />He fell with a thwack<br />It all went black<br />And he made a sound like Charo.<br /><br /><br />There was a man who left his scabies untreated.<br />It got so gross that he couldn't beat it.<br />Quoth he "I'm not a looney Lou,<br />I got these at Harvard U.<br />Natalie Portman could've had these sweet nits!"<br /><br /><br />There was a man who feared falling the worst<br />Because he lived a life so cursed<br />He slipped when it was raining and pouring<br />Off the Chrysler Building's dirigible mooring<br />Onto a pointy-helmeted German tourist<br /><br /><br />There was my high school girl and wow.<br />She hasn't lost a step and how.<br />Her geezer wears mock turtlenecks<br />And drives a Porsche and they have sex?<br />(She's renting out her vagina now.)<br /><br /><br />There was a young lady with a body like a sack<br />But I think I'll still try to take a crack<br />If she's got at least one breast<br />Then she's passed my one test<br />God's gift to fat chicks is back!<br /><br /><br />There remains a gal from Nantucket<br />Who poops in my cock-shaped nuggets<br />During the ass sex<br />I read her the classics<br />As for her one boob, I juggles it<br /><br /><br />There once was kind of a racist<br />Who hated the look on their faces,<br />"I want to kick in<br />their lazy grins<br />Right through their Shamrock Shakes."<br /><br /><br />There was a Limericist whose job was cushy<br />Though his meter and grammar were mussy<br />He got as rich as the Buddha<br />Writing Limericks that were screwed-up<br />With rhymes as slant as Chinese pussy<br /><br /><br />There was a woman named Oprah<br />Who could have run for Pope-rah<br />But she had to kick G. I. Joe's ass<br />With a hood/mask<br />As Commander of the C.O.B.R.A.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><em><strong>I feel better now. <a href="http://limerickdb.com/?top150">God bless Ernesto Limericks!</a></strong></em></span></p><p><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></p>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-21742761414632155872008-07-28T22:46:00.006+00:002008-07-29T13:42:37.477+00:00DVDS I Have Not Liked Recently<span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The Onion Movie/DVD</span><br /><br />It's a car crash you can't turn your head away from, but then you see a busted-up baby seat and you turn your head away, but then you want to see if the baby was thrown clear so you look back, and then you see that the crash has killed a cheerleader, and thrown her sweater off and she was wearing a purple bra, so you pull out your penis and start to masturbate, but then you realize your whole family is in the car, and you turn back away from the crash site to see if your family has noticed and they have. <span style="font-style: italic;">And that's just the first fifteen minutes!</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-4141467281195665102008-07-28T20:09:00.001+00:002008-08-11T23:46:56.367+00:00What's up with my "Specialty" kisses?<div align="right"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span><br /></div><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Wouldn’t you like to know? Well, okay.</span></strong><br /><div align="right"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></div><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://www.lewes.net/rodin/kiss.jpg" border="0" />What are you, holding a book? You've got use your hands, your arms, your body. Amateur!<br /><br /><strong>The Tough but Tender</strong><br />This is the one where I grab my wife’s body and slam it against my own, but right before I plant her one, I slow down, giving her just one tiny peck on her top lip, soft and gentle as moonbeams.<br /><br /><strong>Butter P</strong><br />I sneak around her from behind and hum with my mouth on her jugular, humming using more and more nasal cavity, to transfer the more and more vibration to her neck. I flourish it with butterfly kisses on the chin and jaw, but it‘s not the main event. The name Butter P comes from a dead cat. This is another one for when she is not in the mood.<br /><br /><strong>Red Alert</strong><br />This is the one where I whip my shirt off while going in for the first kiss, so there’s no confusion. There is nothing worse than a confused woman. With <em>Red Alert</em>, I treat the whole thing like it’s my birthday, there’s a lot of slobber at first but the bedclothes don’t even get damp, and pretty soon everything is fine in my head again, and then she’s talking about her day, or whatever she talks about.<br /><br /><strong>Jazz<br /></strong>The one where I brush a strand of hair from her brow, cup her sun-dappled jowl, look lovingly into her eyes, then trumpet farting noises on her chubby cheeks until she is able to buck me off.<br /><br /><strong>The old Rope-a-Dope<br /></strong>Where I fall on the couch with her on top. If you’re on the bottom, you still have to pull them closer and tighter. This avoids any “Am I crushing you?” response, ‘cause if she gets that into her head you might not pull this deal off. She thinks she is kissing me with this one. I say “You’re frisky today” and it comes off like it was all her idea.<br /><br /><strong>Jane!</strong><br />I say Jane! really loud like I have something super important to say, but then I just kiss her, Jane, and that is the super important thing.<br /><br /><strong>El Que<br /></strong>Unsneaking a kiss. The one where I turn my face in the same direction when she starts up a kiss, so she has to weave and bob so our noses don‘t bump. She usually doesn’t have to do any work. I am the kisser here. And then I actively try to block her nose with my nose. This kiss is good for being passive-aggressive.<br /><br /><strong>Secret CIA kisses<br /></strong>Public displays of affection are not permitted in my culture, so in a bar or on the softball field or in the presence of children, I go in for what looks like a whisper, but just kissy blow in her ear instead, with kind of a pusst pusst pusst. And then we laugh, making it look like just a joke.<br /><br /><strong>Snaggles</strong><br />Nipping at her earlobe with my chipped tooth. This is not very erotic for her or me but is good for waking her up.<br /><br /><strong>Spindrift</strong><br />This involves spinning her around before a kiss. Turning her around is ostensibly for getting a 360 degree view of her. She likes the idea of me checking out her ass and this or that outfit. But it’s more about the spinning, which always feels a little like love. Easy on this one, good kisses are dizzying enough. Don’t try this before or right after Tough but Tender. It will look foolish, and could be potentially damaging to the lady.<br /><br /><strong>Daddy<br /></strong>Daddy is just a hug, but it is the tightest, most full-body hug I offer. I keep my hands open because it increases the hug coverage along with using my head and shoulders to really press that hug in there. Guaranteed to make her feel like a tiny little girl. It is very similar to my hug Hold On! but the cheeks are not touching, no Eskimo kisses, and no hand in the back pocket. This is for when she needs a safe, serious hug.<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;">Some people don‘t name their kisses, but in order to know something you have to call it a name, like how Thor named his hammer or wrestlers name their suplexes. I’m not even telling you some of my more special kisses, like Apollo or Viper, as you will just knock your own wife’s dirty socks off without giving Loland the credit. It’s not really about kisses though, it’s about the sincerity.</span></strong><br /><div align="right"><strong><span style="font-size:85%;color:#ffffcc;">.</span></strong> </div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-52281920154192032892008-07-27T19:31:00.006+00:002008-07-28T23:26:00.170+00:0010 Things Kids Could Do Instead of Smoking.<div align="right"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span></div><a href="http://www.jackiechankids.com/images_4/PV-Gallery-Anti-Smoking.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; width: 200px; text-align: center;" alt="" src="http://www.jackiechankids.com/images_4/PV-Gallery-Anti-Smoking.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><p align="center"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.<br /></span><strong>There’s so many things kids could be doing besides smoking!</strong></p><p align="center"><strong>Kids could be:</strong></p><br /><p align="left"><br />Chucking shit at a beehive.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Rhyming using swear words.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Perfecting a new two-handed masturbation technique.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Drinking codeine cough syrup and standing in the exact middle of the park.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Skipping stones. It’s not gay if you’re really good at it. You don't have to skip there or anything.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Going on a homeless watching expedition.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Catching moths and feeding them to Chad’s gerbil Chuckle Chomps.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Discussing the latest Hustler.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Performing pudding-cupilingus.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Checking the factory dumpsters for sharp metal rubbish resembling throwing stars.</p><br /><p align="left"><br />Bothering the garbage men. Cripes, I wanted to be a garbage man!</p><br /><p align="left"><br /><strong><span style="font-size:85%;"><em>You know what? Fuck it. Kids should smoke.</em> </span></strong></p>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-23744228573561187092008-07-25T18:53:00.000+00:002008-07-27T19:29:14.427+00:00Kapuchinski Family Heraldic Items<div align="right"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></div>The more esteemed and historical the family, the more complex the coat-of-arms chosen to represent it. My family crest is impressive, having been borne in a long line of Crusaders, Philosopher-Kings, Barrel Magnates, plus the regular Sluts and Ball Hogs.<br /><br />Family motto: <em>Ecce!</em> which is Latin for “Hey you!”<br /><br />The Falcon Rampart upon a golden egg - the falcon represents skills, the egg, bills.<br /><br />The man-bear fighting a jackelope - obvious meaning.<br /><br />Background field of what I think are blue bennys.<br /><br />Exterior Ornament: A very hairy baby.<br /><br />A purple tent, because we’re in tents like that.<br /><br />10 barrels. Why so many barrels? My family was into barrels. Having a barrel was like owning a car back then. Having 10 barrels was like owning a fricking spaceship.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><strong>My all-in-one scanner has recently been demoted from 4-function to 2-function, so I can't show you it now, but I will update this post. Do you want a fax?</strong></span><br /><div align="right"><span style="color:#ffffcc;">.</span></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-452731814689331772008-07-18T00:14:00.007+00:002008-07-18T02:31:49.934+00:00Powers Received After Being Bitten by a Radioactive Hawkwind:<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Major Powers:</span><br /><br />The Power Hawkwind = The power to grow any moustache instantaneously.<br /><br />The Power Hawkspace = Teleportation through space, but only from Stonehenge to the Hammersmith Odeon and back.<br /><br />The Power Huw = The power to summon <span style="font-style: italic;">The Hawkfriends </span><span>(including Klaatu and those who have been bitten by the Wereslade</span>).<br /><br />The Power Celestial = The power to completely control, with the mind, all the functions of cellular phones with a Hawkwind ringtone.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Minor Powers:</span><br /><br />Instinctive knowledge of how to fly any intergalactic space vessel.<br /><br />Regrowing bush on shnaved schnizz instantaneously.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh22yBa5U0vPHP8EC4yoLz7qdRjwou0zVG4aW2K9jE2xZs4PJARhX5FFS_GtX3vCMKUNGY9Oo1S0b4n-N1_j2IEWOS9awxIOzVemPkC92BdZ2uXS89CwS91TwEUuMYQWfV2j0cU0siz4zbx/s1600-h/hawkwind.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh22yBa5U0vPHP8EC4yoLz7qdRjwou0zVG4aW2K9jE2xZs4PJARhX5FFS_GtX3vCMKUNGY9Oo1S0b4n-N1_j2IEWOS9awxIOzVemPkC92BdZ2uXS89CwS91TwEUuMYQWfV2j0cU0siz4zbx/s400/hawkwind.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5224165782537440914" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: right; color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.<br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-36459319659333972012008-07-08T01:10:00.004+00:002008-07-08T01:18:27.357+00:00Things I had difficulty saying at Summerfest.<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div>"Sisyphusian"<br /><br />"Thistle"<br /><br />"Familiar"<br /><br />"Sorry, Officer."<br /><div style="text-align: right; color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.<br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-71115504108338925652008-07-01T01:19:00.008+00:002008-08-03T19:05:12.978+00:0015 Slogans for Drugs<span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; COLOR: rgb(255,255,204)">.</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3OIMo0h_5mz6Q3ZuliRhOZrPgmgSVWHbRq8DGi4vdjtvNTpeF66hL0PeWJ2yan5sfTs_qsJ9fRbdLU5F3N7wKUjmtOtYGM8nmP26gwZnfg4hvDBbojflYCth8esJ4yt6xp2XA5lvix8e/s1600-h/Bayer_Heroin_bottle.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5217868259358891458" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: pointer; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3OIMo0h_5mz6Q3ZuliRhOZrPgmgSVWHbRq8DGi4vdjtvNTpeF66hL0PeWJ2yan5sfTs_qsJ9fRbdLU5F3N7wKUjmtOtYGM8nmP26gwZnfg4hvDBbojflYCth8esJ4yt6xp2XA5lvix8e/s320/Bayer_Heroin_bottle.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">When Obama legalizes all the drugs the advertisers will need some slogans and copy. I am getting a head start on Madison Avenue.</span><br /><br />Witey Crack - If you find fresher, more-high-grade crack, buy it.<br /><br />Margen-Pfalter Druggists Association - A century of fine German crack.<br /><br />Golden Farm Ganja - Straight from nature, sun-grown golden dank. Father (opening baggy): "Can you smell the sun, Jessie?" Daughter: "I can daddy. I can!"<br /><br />Papi G. Black Tar - You looking to get fucked up, <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">esé</span>? Now there's no need to get shot buying the good shit. Don't be a sucka! Ask for Papi G.<br /><br />Trump Executive Cut Heroin - High rollers know.<br /><br />Morning Glory Cocaine - The light cocaine, for mornings.<br /><br />Maxxx Kief - Special Panty-Peeler Blend - <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">Let's get these girls stoned!</span><br /><br />Karl of Paris Angel Dust - Time to find your wings!<br /><br />Jay's Jays - Commercial: An eskimo lady licks a joint wrapper, leaving a lot of brown saliva, and giving the joint to a nervous couple. Later, at a party for pot smokers, the other pot smokers are disgusted by the slimy joint and the couple are embarrassed. Voice-over: Tired of eskimo slime?! Get your self a baggy of Jay's Jays. No eskimos!<br /><br />Avicenna Pure Indian Morphine - The doctors' choice. "Four out of five doctors who shoot up agree..."<br /><br />Arthur LSD Drops - Have you ever really seen your hand?<br /><br />Pennington Row Crack - Oy Guvernor! Just look for the happy crack baby!<br /><br />Ben Franklin DMT, The N,N Dimethyltryptamine - An infinity of energy patterns that expresses and explains itself with thought streams both visual and logical. <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">"Seriously dude, try <span style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold">Ben Franklin's</span>."</span><br /><div style="COLOR: rgb(255,255,204); TEXT-ALIGN: right">. </div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-47355590219014163442008-06-18T18:38:00.004+00:002008-06-19T00:49:33.142+00:00Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);font-size:130%;" >.</span><br /></div><span style="font-size:130%;">A Defense of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Happening</span></span><br /><a href="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10007985-happening/"><br />You are all pedantic movie-hating babies.</a> Especially <a href="http://www.tnr.com/booksarts/story.html?id=75893f9a-3391-4ab5-88c8-cf7e74bcd835">you</a>. I think you are too chicken to suspend your disbelief and open your heart for this corny creepout. You may be looking to knock the king of corny creepouts down a peg or two, but you'll have to wait for it. Marvin Night Shyamalan delivers the goods intact yet again. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Happening </span>is moody and moony, but maintains a level of spooked-out fun as the characters wade through the difficulties of an arcane toxic event. The two protagonists have the small problems in their relationship rendered humorously insignificant by what's happening around them, and love gives them the strength to persevere.<br /><br />Mark Wahlberg is not Gary Oldman or even Gary Burghoff, but he can definitely add a creaky quiver to his voice. He delivers in the topical intro scene as the high school science teacher who gives a damn and tries to get the kids involved. (It's also good to see the attempt to drop a little science in an increasingly ignorant Hollywood.) Later, Wahlberg's crying is believable. He's Marky Mark and he's here to move you.<br /><br />People have to die in horror films, otherwise they would stop being being cool and start being as gay as your old grandma. There are expendable characters and Hispanic-American working actor John Leguizamo chose to play one of those roles. What's wrong with that, you tinhorn high-horse cultural fascists? <span style="font-weight: bold;">Minorities should appear in films set in the modern United States.</span><br /><br />Zooey Deschanel's comely looks are mentioned frequently as high points of the film, but this is sexist objectification. No one seemed to notice she looked really tense throughout the movie. Good acting has limited noticeability.<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">It doesn't need to be spelled out in boldface.</span><br />People need exposition more and more, but that's what kills movies for me. The people who write these things aren't smart enough to hack out realistic-sounding science riffs. Shyamalan gives multiple theories from unreliable sources and never nails it down for us 100%. In the denouement some talking head on a diegetic tv news program exposits "We'll never fully understand it." That's fine with me because it is a movie.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">How to watch a movie.</span><br />I'm never the one pushing up my glasses, sucking the spit from the sides of my mouth, and asking "Doesn't it seem unlikely those dragons can fly with such massive bodies and such small wings?" because I know that a dragon's bones are hollow like birds' and their muscle fibers are made out of tubes of gas, and they make use of a lot of convection currents and the dragon's stomach functions like a hot air balloon and they are also incredible jumpers, which adds to the flight. Look, I've got a box of no-prizes gathering dust in the back hallway testifying to a personal commitment to being entertained in spite of illogic. I'm not a slacker. I'm doing the work. I'm actively imagining a world in which it can all take place, not railing against how an imaginary world differs from my own.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I liked it.</span><br />Marky sings a selection from Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" to convince some shotgun-wielding goober he's not zombified. The little girl they are saving is as cute as three baby bunnies. Marky and Zooey love each other. Nerd as hero. Trees as enemies? Through the confusion, love conquers all... <span style="font-style: italic;">or does it?!</span> Anyway, I liked it.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">(It's not without its faults.)</span></span><br />Ferinstance: There is this scene where a lady gets a video zapped to her phone of lions ripping a zookeeper's arms off and it's a real cheapie piece of work. I think they decided not to de-res it -- to make it look like a shaky, blocky <span style="font-style: italic;">realistic </span><span style="font-style: italic;"></span>cellphone video -- because it's an Iphone product placement. And the bloody neurotoxin victim waddling sleepily around the lion enclosure looks a lot like Chris Elliot doing his Marlon Brando 'banana dance' to 'Alley Cat.'<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right; color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.<br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-1656831216277325672008-05-29T19:24:00.006+00:002008-05-29T22:36:32.404+00:00HEADPHONEGATE!<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div>These new headphones are awful, giant pincers that produce sound. I feel as though I am receiving "The Claw" from Baron Von Raschke and I only have to wear the headphones for a few seconds before I start giving up the names and locations of Al Qaeda cells.<br />And how painful they are is nothing compared to how stupid they look -- 1/2 Dumbo ears, 1/2 lobsided orthodontic head-bridle.<br />How was I gudgeoned into making such a purchase? Look at this guy.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4B8GKOSyxC2sH31CHQWTBfkTVlEDLgp1fwmu-Tzk3DTEC5dzK7qpEfGeCRQNqijA-WTEOnvgJD61JanCPdz7Aieyb3DA30Bmo__CIMQmlhIeiZW9aiyZSSjShfOOvYsNEXnF-VtaGS7xX/s1600-h/HEADPHONEGATE.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4B8GKOSyxC2sH31CHQWTBfkTVlEDLgp1fwmu-Tzk3DTEC5dzK7qpEfGeCRQNqijA-WTEOnvgJD61JanCPdz7Aieyb3DA30Bmo__CIMQmlhIeiZW9aiyZSSjShfOOvYsNEXnF-VtaGS7xX/s400/HEADPHONEGATE.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205931123831932178" border="0" /></a><br />He's not complaining. This guy loves his swell new headphones. A LOT. I wanted <span style="font-style: italic;">to be him</span> when I saw the Maxell headphones in the bargain rack. And yet the image is a lie! <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">A LIE!</span> The headphones are photoshopped in.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZoKg8pPgRgrvWe0h6u5OTdYtrwa9laQU2fSDqM7G2VFhWLywiIbly8egeJ1ZiHzZa6DiQLZmZGYSObtWWjEhDUCciVejg94ooIjCEAZblTbcqeZ6KHYZs8nFS3ZirasEO6UhqUQnJbIdg/s1600-h/HEADPHONEGATE2.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZoKg8pPgRgrvWe0h6u5OTdYtrwa9laQU2fSDqM7G2VFhWLywiIbly8egeJ1ZiHzZa6DiQLZmZGYSObtWWjEhDUCciVejg94ooIjCEAZblTbcqeZ6KHYZs8nFS3ZirasEO6UhqUQnJbIdg/s400/HEADPHONEGATE2.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205931338580296994" border="0" /></a>The headphones are not even designed for human heads. This is why I feel like I need to admit that I am a witch before I take them off.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >FOR SHAME, MAXELL.<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">FOR SHAME!</span></span><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-26806978819078889042008-05-20T23:57:00.004+00:002008-05-21T01:24:09.742+00:00Dinner Party Mix-Tape<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: right;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://kapuchinski.muxtape.com/"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJirRSHb_6Nnu-3tB3wUdt9ZArJNaviBtxIylREUCA7E9cXAauL7gIsbB4M1WnmotdT5Pd33blD4DyDEfmOxyfHWr5NmbbQBoASYXY6wKiEaHs1fCzeB64P9-KwVJF1TZXU8KQPqvdtB2b/s400/muxtape.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5202618333783856354" border="0" /></a><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div>You have awful dinner parties. You make guests take their shoes off. You serve cocktails in cocktail glasses (too small). You allow your guests to fill up on appetizers and cashews. You put beans in the entree (they make people fart) and your hip-hop is a deterrent to long-form conversation. Let me help, <a href="http://kapuchinski.muxtape.com/">in my small way</a>.<a href="http://kapuchinski.muxtape.com/"> </a><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885590584655125284.post-26713960891327622592008-05-18T23:01:00.004+00:002008-05-18T23:08:11.369+00:00I have rewritten "Greatest Love of All" for zombies.<div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span><br /></div><br />I believe the children are our are future<br />Use your hands to tear their flesh away<br />Eat all the organs they possess inside<br />Give them a sense of dread through your moaning<br />Let the children's slaughter remind us how we used to be<br />Everybody searching for a hero<br />People need someone to look up to<br />I never found anyone to fulfill my needs<br />A lonely place to be<br />So I learned to depend on me<br /><br />[Chorus:]<br />I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows<br />If I fail, if I succeed<br />At least I live as I believe<br />No matter what they take from me<br />They can't take away my dignity<br />Because the greatest love of all<br />Is happening to me<br />I found the greatest love of all<br />Inside of me<br />The greatest love of all<br />Is easy to achieve<br />Eating children’s brains<br />It is the greatest love of all<br /><br />I believe the children are our are future<br />Use your hands to tear their flesh away<br />Eat all the organs they possess inside<br />Give them a sense of dread through your moaning<br />Let the children's slaughter remind us how we used to be<br /><br />[Chorus]<br /><br />And if by chance, that special place<br />That you've been dreaming of<br />Leads you to a lonely place<br />Find your strength in love.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">I didn't have to change it much.<br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 204);">.</span></span><br /></div>Loland Kapuchinskihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729107274102261570noreply@blogger.com0