50 things I could have said to the bouncer but didn't

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I didn't get let into Kelly's Irish Times in DC last Sunday.

I have 2 American driver's licenses. One is not 100% legible, so I also carry an expired one. A fat kid said my 2 IDs needed to be legitible and he asked if I had a passport. The credit cards and blood donor card didn't help. I just stood there like I had phossy jaw until my parched mouth creaked 'Whatever, Mack.' I have been ruminating about a better line ever since.

Legitible? Maybe you should come up with a new descriptor first. Legimate, for instance.

Do you see this gray shit on my head? There wasn't a baby-powder storm. I wasn't just in a grade-school play, and Halloween is a whole different time of year.

They let me onto the plane to Reagan International, but not into an empty Irish bar. You run a tight ship, fat kid.

The terrorists won?

I hope this impresses these two old ladies you're not even talking to.

You're a gigantic ass. And not the good kind of gigantic ass.

Nice facial hair, you simian dolt. Are you running for the 1894 congress?

I think it's cute that here they let a mental retard bounce for them but I need a drink, so stand aside Mongo.

The civil war is over. Time to shave, Colonel.

Why is your belly and head so big when your wrists are so small and your arms are so short? Oh, I forgot, West Virginia and the Appalachians lie just to the west.

I bet you could kick my ass... in Pokemon Battle Revolution. Not much else. But Pokemon Battle Revolution? All you.

I'm older than your mother, not that I would have fucked that toxic skank anyways. To be fair, I guess I would have let her blow me, but only if none of my friends ever found out.

Is the bar filled to capacity by your fat ass, fatty? Huh, fatty fat fat? You're fat!

I know that this ID is a little faded. But I have all this other ID material. No, I don't have a passport. I came from Wisconsin. Wisconsin is in the United States. I swear. That's why that street over there is named Wisconsin.

All I want to go jihad on is a couple whiskies.

I could be your father. Knowing yo moms, I guess anyone could.

Is this because you have a tiny dick? No seriously. No I'm not trying to start a fight with you. I just want to know, for closure, if this is because you have a tiny dick.

Are all bouncers in DC this responsible? Are they all fat kids?

I see, you are an undercover homeland security officer. Thank you for protecting us. By the way, that is a clever disguise, going as a fat kid.

Young man, I can tell by your rosy cheeks and ginger hair that you are an Irish lad. You have probably been molested by priests, beat down mentally by a fat harridan mother, beat up physically by a tiny drunken father, and it has been difficult to reconcile your homosexual feelings toward your frat buddies but you sure hug a lot. You need to learn to be okay with that right now. Please don't take it out on me.

Are you sure I can't come into the bar? [slowly waving Snicker bar]
( I would have needed a Snicker bar for that one anyway.)

Is this for National Security? Is this because I don't look 21? Is this because this is the first and last time you will ever have any power?

I'll show you my passport if you show me your membership card to Little Fat Fucks of America. See, I don't need a passport, because I have 2 American driver's licenses and 2 American credit cards. Everyone knows I'm an American just like everyone knows you're a little fat fuck.

You know how to impress women? I didn't think so, and now you're down to refusing customers with four forms of ID.

I know that I'm going gray. Any fool can see that. But I just heard the stupidest thing and it's gotten a little grayer. Maybe I can get in the bar now?

I'm going to take that as a compliment to my youthful looks. And I hope you take this a compliment: You are a buttondick.

Are you the actual bouncer here or is the daycare here on recess? Those play sideburns look creepy. If I was your mom I wouldn't let you wear them.

You got 'legitimate' and 'legible' confused together. I think that's called "Dycklessxia."

Are you Irish? You know we all call you "White Niggers" even though you're not half as cool.

Legitible? I see, you were trying to say both 'legitimate' and 'legible' at the same time. I do that all the time! Like "Why don't you let me into the pubar, you dumpid fuckwang faggosexual queermo?"

What? The blood donor card always works! I am one of America's heroes! This works at hot clubs, with real bouncers. It's why I got the blood donor card!

I don't have a passport. I don't have a birth certificate. I only have these four pieces of ID which I guess are less-than legitible. I already pointed out the blood-donor card, you merciless walking french fry. Wait, I have the number for my high school. We can call for a transcript. Yay!

God, I admire you.

Passport? What country do you think this is?

Look. I'm sure back on the potato patch you were head potato. But here you are just a potato-faced potato man. You should get over this sad power trip, which frankly is very potato of you.

Your mom is a custodian that watches Nickelodeon.


If that is not 50 then you should not have believed me in the first place.