Now We're Cooking Now!: Summer Sausage

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Summer Sausage is Nature's perfect food. It is as hearty as the pioneer spirit of America. It lasts longer than Castro, and unlike Disney's head, it needs no refrigeration. It is as flexible as my high-school girlfriend, and just as cheap. It lends a rustic air to any dish in which it is featured.

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Summer Sausage Carbonara - Employ your favorite carbonara recipe, (mine comes out of a little packet) but use summer sausage instead of bacon. Another benefit of summer sausage over bacon is that it accepts a fork better. You can use it to cap a twirl of noodles and shovel peas on. I don't just add a few peas for color either. I like two or three peas to pop in my mouth every bite. Peas taste pretty bad, but the pop makes it fun.

Spaghetti Meat Sauce - I add a tube of ground turkey strictly for texture, because with some cubed SS, we got the flavor covered. I use Paul Newman's sauce and fresh green peppers. I serve it with anchovy garlic toast - pan fry some garlic in butter, then smush up a tin of anchovies in it and smear it on toast. Who's rustic?

Loland's Fresh Blood - I make unreal Bloodies. I have a juicer, of course. If it plugs in I own it. The way I make this tasty drink is at odds with my not being a California fancy pants, but trust me. You could use no-salt V-8, but trust me. If you can stomach sickly sweet store-bought mix, with its high-fructose corn syrup and lack of zing, then perhaps you are not the person Loland had in mind when he invented this beverage. This cocktail is meant for chillingly critical gourmands and non-smoker supertasters. Fresh juiced tomatoes and peppers really pop with pep and fresh flavor. Red bell peppers cost way more but adding juiced green peppers sullies the deep red color. Juice hot peppers, radishes, and carrots, too. Carrots balance out the heat, plus all that jazz is heart-smart. Mix the vodka and juice and refrigerate. Muddle a sugar cube in some worcestershire and Tabasco in a lowball glass heavily rimmed with celery salt. I use frozen cooked shrimp, frozen summer sausage cubes, and cold pickles instead of ice. The shrimp and sausage are unfrozen and perfectly flavored by the end.

Summer Sausage Vinaigrette - It's hot bacon vinaigrette, served warm, but with shredded summer sausage instead of bacon. There is less grease to render out of the sausage so you'll need more olive oil.

Summer Squash and Summer Sausage Jambalaya. Both summer sausage and summer squash have summer in their names! Isn't that great? Oddly enough, this is more of a fall dish.

Summer Sausage Pizza Bake! This is self-explanatory. Pizza Bake!

Picnic Table Stew - They call this Frogmore Stew, but there are no frogs in it. They also call it a Low Country Boil. Or Bedford Stew? Regardless, skin a stripe in a few Red Potatoes and boil with thick slices of the old Summer Sausage. Add some Old Bay or some other spices. Then add corn on the cob. Then at the end add some shrimp or crawdads until they are done. And here's the fun part, just dump it out over some newspapers on a picnic table. Serve with crusty bread. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more rustic, there I go!

Fucken ay, just put the summer sausage in a bowl and pour milk on it.
It's the best.

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