All Four Burners: Ten Minute $3 Full Breakfast

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I am one-third Scottish, one-third Jewish, and one-third Dutch. As such, I am the cheapest man in the universe, always trying to figure out how to save three cents on a length of pipe. Time is money, so I have to do things fast fast fast. I've got other things to do. I mean, lists of penis euphemisms don't write themselves. I make this easy, tasty, heart-smart daystarter all the time. This actually takes me more than ten minutes because if I use the toaster, microwave, and coffeemaker at the same time I would blow a fuse. You probably don't live in a hovel, though, so it should take you just ten.

Pan 1. - Potato Crepe.
Mix mashed potato flakes with water and onion powder until it is as runny as milk. Mix in egg. Pour thin sheet into heated, oiled pan. Crispen then flip. Use your extra-slippiest teflon-coated pan because old boy is sure tough to flip without.

Summer Sausage Goddam Rules.

Pan 2. - Crispy Summer Sausage and Breakfast Vegetables.
Summer sausage is cheaper, quicker, healthier, easier, meatier, and kosherer than bacon. Julienne the sausage (thin strips) and fry, shaking the pan frequently. Add mushrooms, cap side down, once the sausage has let go some of its grease. Add onion wedges a few minutes after (I like my onion to still have a little bite). Add grape tomatoes a few minutes before serving, making sure that the tomatoes are touching the pan. Be careful when biting into hot grape tomatoes, because if you get a tomato juice burn on your lip it will look just like a cold sore. You can tell them what it really is, but no one will believe you, and shame will be your name and game.

Pot 1. - Frijoles Negros.
Brown crushed garlic cloves in olive oil. Drain most of the bean goo from a can of black beans and dump the rest of the can into the hot pot. Add green pepper and onions, the frozen pre-chopped is fine. Add more spices. Stir lightly and frequently. Serve with Beano, because you're eating eggs too and no one likes egg farts. There is something disconcerting about farts that smell like food you've consumed.

Pot 2. - Loland's Hand-Mixer Mock Souffle.
Mix eggs, dollop sour creme, dollop water, dash cornstarch, dash white vinegar, dash no-salt dry butter flavor granules, and dash no-salt Ms. Dash spice blend. Use a metal hand mixer to blend in deep pot. Heat slowly, continuing to blend with hand mixer. This results in a light egg foam. Salt and sprinkle on cheese while still hot. Dot with Tabasco before eating. This egg recipe is awesome and I invented it. I am letting you in on it because I am sweeter than breezes through the honeysuckle.

4-slice Toaster - Buttered Toast and Flapjacks.
I call them Flapjacks because that's what Paul Bunyan called them. Frozen toaster flapjacks, French toast, and waffles are just as good as the ones you make yourself. You purists can go jump in the lake.

Microwave - Fruit Compote Flapjack Topping.
Mix handful frozen fruit, dollop orange juice, double pinch brown sugar, pat o' butter, dash vanilla, and pinch cinnamon and nutmeg. Microwave until very hot and let sit for a while. You can put it on the flapjacks. Have a scoop of vanilla ice cream too as long as you are not around anyone who will call you "fatty."

Serve with coffee, milk, AND orange juice. Just like on the back of the cereal boxes. I never skimp on presentation, even when eating alone. Cooking is an art. I would take a picture except for I sat on my digital camera.

Give the lady breakfast!
Provided your last night's date is not too hungover from the Rohypnol to eat, this is the perfect morning fry-up -- impressive, but quick enough to seem like you're not trying too hard. You don't need to mention how cheap it is. Make sure she sees you using all four burners, plus the toaster and microwave. Make sure she sees you crack the eggs two at a time. I swear she will mention that to her friends even before she mentions the size of yer cock.

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