50 Other Things That Won't Get Me Boing-Boinged.

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They have earned my emnity since I got denied. I sent them this...

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Not photoshopped. Okay, I straightened it.

Wha-at?! Classic 60's Archie popping quaaludes ain't Boing-Boing enough? Two girls for every guy, peer pressure, and tranqs. It's not as good as Mickey attempting suicide but it's worth a shout-out. Anyway, they'll feel my wrath, just like God feels my wrath when I shake my fist at the sky.

• Can't the Boing-Boing crew take a picture where they are backlit or something?! Couldn't they pretend to be cool for just the one second it takes to take a picture? Why don't they just wear two pairs of glasses each and propeller beanies?

• I don't like ads. I don't even like to know they exist. They upset my delicate sensibilities. I don't like ads or drafty rooms and I'll just scream if I'm anywhere near a pigeon. The internet is where I go to be free of ads. They're sneaking them in now cause they know they can, cause they got us hooked on the vids. Those sweet sweet funny crazy vids. That's called the comeback and it's what smack dealers use on their clientele. Shame-Shame.
  

• The links to average artists' work seem suspiciously like ads. I like neat art so just pick me a winner. Half a second of screen change is too much for me. I'm not being sarcastic--it is. Me, I like to scroll. That's why they call me Easy Scrollin' Loland.
  

• DRM, DMCA, RIAA, etc. still going strong. Copyright lawyers are ten times smarter than copyfighting bloggers and not even half as lazy.

• I say "seen it, seen it, seen it" when I hit this site ever since digg and reddit got going.
  

• In Neuromancer the technology was nonsense. Literally transparent. Gibson, more of a social fictioner, became scientifically literate only later in the game.

• Lovecraft was overwrought in proportions unspeakable... Oo, I guess it happens. I'm not counting this one.
  

• I bought these SWAT boots I saw on Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools in my gayest second ever. They also have a 14-hole-to-zipper conversion kit that I seriously considered for my fifth gayest second ever.

• Mark Fraunfelder considers himself an illustrator but his illustrations are all cheesecake and robots. Is he doodling on his folder during phonics class? Isn't there an age cutoff point for cutesy-wootsie?

• This website is full of thetans. The late Amazing Randee would think I was a sucker but I'd like to see his e-meter readings!

• Terrorists walk among us and I think the best way to stop them is hassling people who take photographs in public places. The Government agrees with me, and has there been another 9/11? (I don't mean just the date, that happens every year. I mean crazy blowing-up stuff stuff.) Only a little! Thanks Government!
  

• Too many pity-generating tributes to dead or dying sci-fi writers. Sci-fi writers' lives always end alone, diseased and penniless. This is as it should be for those who kick against the pricks. There is noble honor in that death.

• I know Neal Stephenson. We were neighbors growing up in West Allis. He was removed from public school (punched a teacher) and sent to Ethan Allen School for Boys in Wales, WI, which used to be a tuberculosis sanitorium, where he eventually got a tattoo on his fucking neck at age 13. Even though we used to be close, after his first year at Ethan Allen Neal Stephenson came back and gave me the nickname Stinky Butt. I blame the system. Although in all fairness to the system I did not always wipe my butt thoroughly after making a dunky, which is what we called pooping in those days.
  

• Corey Doctorow's fiction is easily available due to willy-nilly Creative Commons licensing (so we all know it's utter crap). Corey, you aren't a sci-fi writer with a sales blog, you are a professional blogger, who dabbles in crap.
  
  Did Loland mention he a balls-out straight hater? Now you got the news, Boing-Boing--Low K is bulldoggin'. My grill up in this, bulldoggin'.
  
  

• I would totally introduce my plant-nerd friend Clayton to Xeni Jardin. (He's fat.)

• You know who went to Disneyland a lot? Rich kids. Hate to drop the R-bomb but there it is.

• Macs are for rich kids, or worse, cultists. Cultists want to be in on something. Boing-Boing, for instance.

• Last I heard, Apple and Disney are corporations. No need to to put their dicks in your mouth unless they pay for the privilege. Even then leave some space.
  

• Mobile posting sponsored by Microsoft. 'Nuff said.

• Nintendo was for air-conditioned fat kids. Everyone at Boing was either super fat or super skinny as a kid, guaranteed.

• It might be nice to have a Big Brother looking out for you. We've got the wallscreens already and I love them. I'm like the one Julie Christie in Fahrenheit 451--I can't wait to get a bigger one so I can be closer to my television family. Dystopia might be all right.

• I think atheists are atheists because they masturbate a lot, and they would feel ridiculous if they believed God was watching. (It's a cross to bear. I swear, sometimes I feel like I am masturbating with an ancestor's cold dead hand.)
  

• Agnostics need to shit or get off the pot. There will be no pleading plausible deniability to a wrathful God at the End of Days.

• Bums are performance artists and vice-versa.

• Graphic novels are comic books. Comic books are for kids. They are, you know.
  

• Computers used to suck, and now they're good. Not the other way around. Getting wistful about old computers is misplaced nostalgia. No-stalgia? Nauseastalgia? No time to sniglet! I'm bulldoggin'!
  

• Canadian! J'accuse!
  

• Bruce Schneier is a security expert? I'm no Jimmy Snuka, but I'm pretty sure I could beat the shit out of him.

• The Church of the Subgenius is just the lazy man's Discordianism, which is the poor man's Existentialism, which is Dada's dumb-but-haughty sister.
  

• Marijuana is mostly used for non-medical purposes. Like writing weblogs.
  

• HOWTO divide a freezer-bag into individual servings before freezing? Super! HOWTO set up a DIY abortion clinic? Really? So close to Prom?

• Philip K. Dick was against abortion. What's so great about abortion anyway?

• The Dalai Lama is against abortion. Did you know his first name is "Jetson?"

• Women don't even go on your site.
  

• Boingers are not Nerds. Nerds do hard science for a living and talk ONLY in moonman science talk. They don't deign to stupefy themselves with common conversation, and they can be respected for that. They actually hate to be confused with fanboy-geek types. I know...
  
  Me: "Are you going to see that (Such & Such Sci-fi Movie) when it opens this weekend?"
  
  Nerd relative: "I'm attending a lecture in India."
  
  Boing is geeks, a band higher in frequency and lower in power on the unmagnetic spectrum of disassociated culture... of people who were picked on as kids. Geeks are dilettantes who get overexcited about their cool new thing and spittacles form on the edges of their lips when they sputter about it. I can practically see the flaky crust on the corners of the screen.

• If you graphed the only eleven subjects they post on, then you would be just as bad.

• What is the point of a watch that is hard to read? It's like wearing cologne that's hard to smell. Okay, I see it. Can't hate on the crazy watches. I'm not counting that one toward the 50 but I'm still bulldoggin'. I'm like a Tiger ripping into Boing-Boing's flesh with my claws and fangs and Tiger sword.
  

• Somewhere out there there is someone actually masturbating to "2 girls, 1 cup." I bet it's a dude, I bet he's got one of his mom's turds in his mouth, and I bet he reads Boing-Boing...
  

• More people see Goatse than the Pieta. Tubgirl is this culture's Grande Jatte. Ask yourself: Should this be a meme? Should I help to spread this?

• ...and Rick Astley's back. Thanks a lot!

• Free e-books are free for a reason. There are some old broken frames out by my garbage cans that I have freed from their legal constraints, isn't that great?!
  

• If you go to Burning Man you will see a lot of penises. They should really be put away when not in use.

• Linux is still not an option for most users. I installed it... "What do you mean I can't play games?" If you want something for free you have to steal it.

• Teller doesn't talk because he has a voice like a little girl.

• Game designer Marvin Glass refused to pay licensing fees to Rube Goldberg for Mousetrap...

• It was not because Rube Goldberg stole his famous idea from limey Heath Robinson. Rube's other works were infantile--Boob McNutt, Professor Butts...

• They're doing this retrospective on their BoingTV, which has only been around for 6 months. That's not a retrospective. That's a currentspective.

• Steampunk is for geek dandies. Like being a geek isn't bad enough, you gotta sissify it? Stick it in your electric ascot, Nemo!

• Boing-Boing is very Web Number 2.0

• Who helped the most after Katrina? Wal-Mart.

• Who hires all the poor people? Wal-Mart. They don't read Boing-Boing I guess. Idiots!
  

• I bet they all ride recumbent bicycles at Boing-Boing. They don't know it, but that's like the worst insult ever.

Ten seconds after I post this all Boing-Boing's servers will fry from shame. The bloggers' laptops will be found on the floor next to a pile of computer chips, having done the honorable thing. I will receive super secret emails from their girlfriends and common-law wives, and more importantly, their advertisers. Then I will become what I beheld until my place on top is wrested by some new hotshot hater.

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