Ho Ho Ho! 10 Great Gifts for the Holidays this Holiday Season

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I was always told there's more than one way to skin a cat. That is definitely true this season! With all these great choices you're sure to find the perfect gift for the "feline mutilator" among your loved ones this Christmas for the perfect gift so have a great Christmas!

Cat-O-Mat

The original! And just as good!

The Cat Genie

Now with a spatter shield. Clean-up's a breeze! No clean-up!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Jr.

For the novice. You'll be skinning cats in half the time as ordinary!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Pro

For pure cat-skinning power, look no further than this one,
with patented "Cat-A-Minute" technology.

Mr. CatSkinner 5000 by Cheever

Tried and true cat-skinning, every time.
Guaranteed for up to 10,000 cats. Meow!

Gyro-Cat Rotating Cat Peeler

Inexpensive, simple, and quick Japanese import, but skinning the cat
in one long strip is the only option. Perfect for scrapbookers.

Skin That Cat! Executive Edition

For busy people who must skin cats on-the-go.
Convenient, but the cat-compacting mechanism can be a little loud.

Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer

Hands-free cat-skinning at its best. Expensive, but the skinned cats are so good even your old Grandmother would think it was done by a professional. That's why they say "You'll have them all fooled with Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer."

Karl of Paris Signature Set with Platinum Cat-Skinning Hooks

This gorgeous 130-piece platinum set comes in a plush-lined wardrobe. Karl of Paris's name is synonymous with skinned cats and it's no wonder. Talk about quality!

Many thanks to those corporations and companies that contributed these fine products for my testing of them so have a great Christmas!

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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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Saudi Court Sentences Gang Rape Victim to 200 Lashes

Now when I first read that headline I was like "Wahabbi-Whaa-at?!" The Internerdosphere had a field day about this, our President's latest atrocity by proxy.

Atrocity seems like something larger-scale. Like if they lined up and killed the last nine crazy-ass Jews that still live in that country. And atrocious isn't bad enough a word -- that's how I behave at Christmas parties. It seems impossibly insensitive after a rape -- but is it backwards?

Saudis have a law that says no single woman of a certain age (young enough to be worth the effort of raping) can hang out with men without a cousin or chaperone. Is it backwards? It is just as backwards to have a law saying you can't hang out with a bunch of crocodiles. You gets into a car with 4 crocodiles and you takes your chances.

I have had rapes described to me and I have to internalize the "Well OF COURSE you got raped!" response. I fell out of a tree once and cried to my mother and she asked "What were you doing in a tree?"

Tori Amos shouldn't have given that dude she just met a ride. Jodie Foster shouldn't have slutted it up in a bar full of dudes and no women in The Accused. The Accused is based on a completely different real-life story of a woman who was just minding her own business buying cigarettes and got raped. I think even King Abdullah Ibn-Saud would give her a pass -- that's terrible!
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10 Reasons I Quit NASA to Become a One-Man Band

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No more salad bar.

Way less free tee-shirts than when I started.

They be straight tripping at the NASA.

I started calling it 'The NASA' then everybody started calling it 'The NASA' and now it is old old old.

The low quality of my work and my ability to shield that news from my superiors would have eventually resulted in the death of an astronaut. Not some dick that works at Cousins -- an astronaut.

Old computers. Green computer screens? The girls showing their junk in Hustler now weren't even born when NASA bought this stuff, and girls in Huster then are now too old to give you a hard on. (That's how Loland tells time -- with Hustler magazines.)

I embarrassed myself at the first NASA picnic and I never fully recovered. It was during the egg carry. I was on angel dust and couldn't stop yelling at the spoon, who was bragging that he had had intercourse with my high school girlfriend. She was a slut, but a spoon? It just hit a sore spot I guess. Later we made friends -- good friends -- but two years ago he moved, literally, to Alaska. I guess I may never see Spoonthew 'Spoony' Utensilman again. Oh, Spoony, mais ou sont les neiges d'antan? Sigh. I get so wistful on angel dust.

Being a One-Man Band has less stringent punishments for misconduct.

No one will ever ask me again if I am using drugs. If they do I will just say "Uhhm... One-Man Band?"

A train whistle sounds just like a train. It knocks them dead in 'She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain!' (If you are another One-Man Band then please don't steal that bit!)

I have written a tambourine/concertina/castanet/football rattle/trumpet connected to an underarm bellows/bass drum 'piece' about NASA that will be a hit because it comes from the heart.

Four words: One-Man Band conventions.

I will get more exercise as a One-Man Band. The only exercise I got at NASA was running out the door at exactly 4:30.

If there are a bunch of old people around you play 'On Top of Old Smokey' and if it's a bunch of kids you play 'On Top of Spaghetti.' My game is tiz-ight!

Is it goofy? Carrying an elbow-operated bass drum on your back while keeping time for long periods is, when you think about it, not unlike what Marines do in training. Are the Marines goofy?

The traditionezi of the One-Man Band has its storied origins in the Ottoman Sultanate's Janissary Band Corps of the 14th Century. Whereas NASA has only been around for about 12 years.

I was unlikely to ever take a space walk or even go on that zero-g plane. There would be no "Put me in, coach!" Rudy moment (unless I impersonated a 'valid').

I am not one of those jackasses that insists on being called a simultaneous multi-instrumentalist and if that makes me politically correct I don't even care.

Eventually I may rise to the Holy Grail of One-Man Bandom -- a salaried employee of a Renaissance Faire.

I'm a loner... a rebel. One-Man Bands are the true punks.

My dream to be a One-Man Band is as beautiful as the glissando of the slide whistle, as clear as the din of the triangle on my left shin, as clever as the high-hat on my head, and as enchanting as the chorus from 'Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts.'

When my wife divorces me I will be free to date younger girls.

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Nicknames I Have Given Over the Summer

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At work and co-ed sports leagues I meet a lot of guys named Steve and Matt and Paul. In other words, people who need nicknames. A nickname from me is a gift and it is always perfect because I am the best nicknamer in the world. Here is a recent selection:

• Snappo
• Mitch
• Ocho
• Green Hat
• Woodstock
• Cut Rate
• Orange Peel (freckled, age 10)
• Booj
• Trespass
• Pants
• Reagan
  
• Milk Moustache
• Stairwell
• Pat O'Butter (age 90)
• Spindrift
• Spills (also Spillsworth)
• Smirky
• Murgatroid (age 6)
• Suspenders
• California
• Business Suit
• Parvenu
• Beardly
• Fouler
• Spooky D (goth kid, age 16, also Squirrelly D)
• DuShambles (named DuFresne)
• Doubler
• Two Fist
• Dink and Duff
• Stalkie
• Big Bird
• Screaming Patty
• Chitch
• Pills
• CJ
• 24
• Pool
• Ching Chong
• Eddie's Brother
• Hoss
• New Nick
• Black Adam
• Sherpa
• Pook
  

Youtube fugue is a common phenomenon.

I like my media like I like my hamsters -- small and fuzzy.

Lessons Learned from Big Trouble in Little China

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'Kind of' Invincible

A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face. And a wise man knows when to get in out of the rain! -- This is a good quote to use when it rains but you'll probably have to explain it. (The world is full of Philistines. I don't know why.)

Okay I really didn't learn anything. Except Kim Cattrall be finger-lickin' stinky hot back then. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, ladies.

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God Bless Christopher Hitchens

I don't like agnostics. Wishy-washy broken ladders. A mind is like a parachute: it should only be open in emergency situations. Otherwise I seal my sweet-ass brain up and viciously fight anyone who tries to hamstring me with cognitive dissonance.

This is why East-coast liberals have all the neuroses. Rich but educated, thusly they are aware that the easy life they enjoy is the direct result of war, colonialism, trade imbalances, use of petrochemicals, child labor, strip-mining, slavery, etc... Every childhood joy or personal triumph was created by the American eagle-monster that they can reject only philosophically while it cleaves them to its warm breast and suckles them with the sweet milk of ipods and curbside garbage collection. If you ever try to eat good surf 'n' turf at a four-star restaurant while philosophically rejecting the same meal, you know how awkward it can be. You must ignore the relationship between the food that goes into your mouth and the politics that come out, so you have to focus on something else, quick, to fill the gap.

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Christopher Hitchens (Chitch) is like the man who gets a second, bigger, uglier tattoo to prove the first ugly tattoo was a good idea. Absolutely no dissonance. Chitch is meditative. His cognitive assonance has allowed him to achieve deep personal levels of faith in his atheism. He elevates the belief with his purity of vision. It's a religion to him, so defined that he hates people of other religions -- just for their religion! Just like a real religion! In this video clip, Chitch castigates other atheists for their faithlessness. Look at him preach! I love this tippling, fire-breathing crackpot bastard!

Wait, did he just use the word 'no-brainer' without irony?

Oops! My bad.
Okay. I guess I was wrong in my newfound love for Chitch. He is a funny guy, but maybe I was just excited he was in Wisconsin. That's exactly why you shouldn't incorporate politics inexorably into your personality.

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On the whole, I am not so Raven.

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I own a collection of over 50 legwarmers and colorful toe-socks.
That's so Raven of me!

I own an unlicensed 19-round Glock 28. I rechambered it to take .40 rounds.
Not very Raven of me.

I started an environmental club called EarthTeenz. We met Al Gore!
That's so Raven of me!

My dense, hearty bowel movements are completely unflushable anywhere on Earth except the largest American cities.
Not very Raven of me.

I tried to fool my Mom and Dad into thinking I had gotten an "A" on my geometry exam so I could go on an unchaperoned overnight trip to Disney World, the most magical place on Earth. They found out, grounded me, and I learned a valuable lesson about telling the truth.
That's so Raven of me!

I had the words "Fucked at Birth" tattooed in gothic blackletter on my neck and a dragon tattooed on my cock and balls.
Not very Raven of me.

I didn't have a date for Lupe's sweet sixteen party, so I blackmailed my neighbor's older exchange student Ernesto to go with me.
That's so Raven of me!

I have never suggested that 'dating' should be the primary concern of children. A hollow laugh track does not follow every sad, meaningless, mean comment I make as a pretense of humor. I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Corporation. I can out-sing Hannah Montana. I do not look like I am going to gain 25 pounds in the next five seconds.
All not very Raven of me.

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20 Horrible Things to Say to Zenn-Lavians

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The eternal balance of cosmic energies must be kept in harmony. Who are you to confound the ancient cosmic ways? Galactus was wrong to spare you -- no offense.

Me, I'm a Skrull man. Always have been. Go Skrulls, I say.

You found on Zenn-La that a Utopian technological society breeds malaise and apathy. I know how you feel, because I am from West Allis, Wisconsin.

How long did it take the World-Devourer Galactus to consume your planet? I bet it would take twice that to consume the Earth. Because we got heart!

Top five best planets: Earth, Skrullos, Mars, the Shi'ar Throneworld, and Ur-anus... of a homeworld Zenn-La. Gotcha! No, I love Zenn-La, I do. It's just all those Zenn-Lavians! Just kidding! But seriously your people are pretty bad.

I heard that on Zenn-La you were humanoid in appearance. I can see that is not true, with your enormous heads and pointy butt-noses. See if you can borrow some old masks from Kang.

I read in InTouch that Shalla-Bal and the Silver Surfer have called it quits. You people are just like that, huh?

How many Zenn-Lavians does it take to screw up a light bulb? It's a joke, they don't have light bulbs on Zenn-La. Because they are all a bunch of suckass hippies.

Silver Sentinel of the Spaceways? More like the Sliding Spazz of Sappy Space Smellodrama Stupid enough to get Stuck in our Solar System.

Back to Svalbard! Oh wait, that's an horrible thing to say to polar bears. I meant: Back to the Deneb system!

When my old awful boss Ron used to tell me to herald the destruction of worlds, I just told him I was on a break. That's what Silver Surfer should have done with Galactus.

I would call you a Zenn-LAME-ian, except it might offend the sentient squid-beings of Zennlamia.

I saw this Zenn-Lavian dude hitting on a human woman at a club once. Me and my buddies fucked him up but good. I got no problem with Zenn-lavians, just keep your filthy cosmic hands off our womenfolk. Ya Hear?

If you want to herald a planet's destruction by a world-devourer, hire a Xandarian. If you want a long prose poem that on how lonely it is is space, get a Zenn-lavian. It's just how it is.

Do Zenn-Lavians really live for a thousand years? It might just feel that way, because I've been at this party talking with you for 10 minutes and it feels like an eternity.

It seems an all-powerful galactic entity wishes to destroy the Earth every few weeks. Do we trade our humanity to save it? Do we sell out? No. We fight. Selling out is in your blood. You are a planet of Hetfields and Ulrichs.

I have a piece of debris from Zenn-La after it was destroyed in my pocket here. I was hoping it would kill you. You know, like Planet Krypton... What do you mean you've never heard of Krypton?

Did Galactus really create a barrier that kept Silver Surfer from leaving Earth? Because I know an Australian guy named Gary who says he was kicked out of Australia, but I'm pretty sure he's here in Wisconsin because the fruity accent is a hit with fat chicks. Did the Silver Surfer's accent get more or less Zenn-Lavian while he was here?

I got my girlfriend one of those knitted Zenn-Lavian handbags that were so popular a few years ago and it unraveled while she was in Panama. She lost her passport, so thank your homeworld when you get back there. And when are you going back to your homeworld?

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LIE$!

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Things I don't believe, in reverse order of importance.

I don't believe in weeping eggplant of its 'bitter' juices. It is poetic -- salt, bitter tears, and time -- but unnecessary. I used to until an easy experiment. My 'control' eggplant half tasted less salty, but there was no bitterness.

I don't believe in the two party system or even voting. I can't imagine standing in a line for the privilege of choosing between Roger Healey and Howard Borden.

I don't believe Facebook is worth a billion dollars. There are plenty of friendster-clones and there will be plenty more to come, and the thing about the internet is that it is free. You ain't monetizing jack.

I don't believe Halle Berry is black. Too much cream in the coffee. I don't go around telling people I'm Comanche. Angela Bassett would have made a much better Storm because she is black and physical instead of a scrawny pale runway stickwoman. Angela also acts, as opposed to HB's actressing.

Finally and most significantly, I don't believe the instructions on jumper cables. It sucks for girls, because they follow the instructions and then need a man to jump their cars for them. A penis is like a little Prometheus that tells you to see through the safety bullshit.

.Yes and no, Virginia...

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I wrote a letter to Steve Wozniak.

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Steve,

What? Wha-aat? The big red horse-face lady from tv? She's an icon for gays, but that just means she's horribly unattractive. Those sensitive queers and their pity laughs! No no no you're too smart. Sure, she's "funny," in a basic way. Like someone's cold sore is funny. But Kimmel's not balling ALL the decent-looking comediennes.

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Kathy Griffin (post-surgery)

Get over whatever esteem blocks you're stumbling on and get with the BILLIONAIRE program. She's using your name and public image for bits on Larry King! You've embarrassed yourself enough. Drop her like something hot (pretend!) and tell all your friends it was a big goof. "I only let her blow me" is an unassailable excuse and has worked for some jams I've been in. You're welcome.
C'mon, Woz,
LK

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My Interview with Neal Stephenson

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Neal Stephenson, the writer, is gifted with an extraordinary mind that can parse complex social, historical, and technological currents and fuse them into engaging fiction. His intense intelligence has made him seem prickly in the interviews he seldom gives. But this particular evening at Magoo's in West Allis I met a completely different Neal Stephenson -- the Neal Stephenson I went to grade school with.

LK: Neal, do you realize you have the same name as a famous science-fiction writer?
NS: He doesn't spell it the same.
LK: I think he does.
NS: I never met anyone who spells it like us.
LK: Well...
NS: You want a shot? What shot?
LK: Whatever you're having. Have you ever heard of Second Life, Neal?
NS: Like heaven and hell? What the fuck? And call me Steve. You're the only fucking one that still calls me Neal.

I get the feeling Neal is uncomfortable talking about Second Life, just like the other Neal Stephenson.

LK: What do you think about William Gibson?
NS: Was he in our grade? Or was he in Rudy's class? You and Rudy used to do some fucked up shit, man. Those lights at the high school.
LK: That was Rudy, mostly.
NS and LK: Cheers.
NS: Dead dog in the Witliff's pool. That was you, motherfucker.
LK: Rudy said that? (NOTE: It wasn't a dead dog, it was a pig's head from the sausage factory.) Don't trust that crackhead. What do you think the future holds?
NS: Hey did you ever know Vita Breviscz -- she went to school with your sister? I'm fucking her tonight after she gets off work. She's still pretty hot. (NOTE: Vita was never hot.) Puss-ay!

Neal leans over to whisper something. His manner informs me he is about to say something with serious gravity. This is the moment I have been waiting for in this interview.

...You want some coke?

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