To the Guy I Kicked in the Balls Last Night
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Did I dream it? Did I really kick a guy in the balls last night?
That's what I thought when I remembered
Kicking you in the balls last night
I have never ever done that even as a kid
I will honestly think about kicking you in the balls
Every day for the rest of my life
Because I did not expect to get such a good kick in
I did not expect to hit your balls so squarely
I mean it really was right in the pocket, wasn't it?
I got behind it but I did not expect to get air -- Cripes!
Maybe I wouldn't have kicked you if I knew it would look like that
Maybe if you knew you wouldn't have pushed me
Just far enough to be at perfect ball kicking distance
If dog rabbit but wow what a kick call the Packers
I have never played football and I do not know any karate
The karate classes I took as a kid were free and don't count
I have seen Remo Williams -- The Adventure Begins a few times
But he does mostly a pokey thing with his fingers.
You pushed me. What did you expect?
A high-five? Firm handshake?
You pushed me and why?
Because you're a weirdo who changes in public?
Are you just the type that pushes around old drunks?
Old-er drunk, and yes, I was drunk but that's no excuse
Don't need one
Because an idiot bigger than me pushed me
Barking at me in moon man language.
Admit it,
Changing in the street is doing something weird
I applaud the effort to conceal yourself with the towel
Modesty is rare these days-- true class! See, I can be nice.
And I figured out what was going on in hindsight
Not then of course, but today I figured it and I dig it
1. Bring the going out clothes to work -- damn right that's cool
2. Staying at work late but still hitting the clubs after -- way to go
3. Ride your bicycle and change out of the sweaty clothes -- nice job
4. Clean up with the drunk young fat chicks at bar time?
Like looking in a mirror. You and I could've been beautiful.
That's why I want you to see it from my side, brother
You were between parked vans and you were moving around
I honestly thought you were strangling someone for the bike
And using the towel to cover it from me. Why not?
I am always on the lookout for criminals so I can step in
What the hell was that poor lady's name?
38 people heard her scream?
.................................................?
I say her name then I sneer and say "New York" dismissively
Like an old 'Stallis babushka
So I was actually looking for a crime to stop
Not trying to check out your delicious body, chum
I was too drunk to focus my little peepers
And that is why I seemed to be staring at you
I was befuddled at your blurry herky-jerkiness
And I was not in a state to explain these things
But do you think that if I said "I'm Captain Wisconsin
And I'm on patrol keeping shit three laws safe -- You dig?"
You would have cooled your jets?
"I promise I didn't see anything?"
Come to think of it why did you have your bike between the vans
Instead of on the curb?
Where it could serve to block the view of passersby like me
To your weird behavior
It wouldn't have been in your way either
Which added to your looking so peculiar
You could have laid the towel on the bike -- yeah!
That's what I would have done
Planned it out a little
Full of bad moves, you -- willy nilly
Demand answers from a drunk who can't focus his eyes
You'll accost the sky next
Demanding answers as to why you were born.
Plus whatever you were saying to me I didn't hear, mumbleypeg
"Blah blah I'm a tough guy blah blah blah" is what I heard
Proud of you. God, I admire you.
But push me I might kick you in the balls evidently
And then of course run away
Doing little for my street cred or reputation as crimefighter.
I wasn't spoiling and I haven't spoiled for years
Since my game improved and I started tapping ass on the regular
You should try it.
You seem to be in excellent shape -- they like that
Once again, I am not interested in you
But do you work out?
My gym schedule is less than rigorous
Me I better keep this gorgeous face.
I have been hit in the balls in the context of sports and games
It hurts and I can sympathize
I have never been kicked however
Possible reason: I am not a gigantic asshole.
Wait I forgot -- I have been kicked in the balls -- Do you have sisters?
You see, you scissors your knees together
And catch their feet mid-kick
Then they are caught and you run at them
With your knees still squeezed to knock them down
For older sisters -- for younger sisters
Just hold them there and slap them until they cry
Until they learn the trick -- aim their ball-toe right at your junk
Avoiding the easy but ultimately risky crotch shot, clever girl
Just like I did to you -- Remember?
But now I am hoist by my own petard
(Which is like smelling your own cabbage farts)
Admitting I fight like a girl -- Agenbite of ball kick
A regret more about hating that I ruined a life long record
Than being concerned that you're sterile
I should have fought you
But I am not at my fighting weight
Nor have I ever been at my fighting weight
I was chicken. Chickenshit?
Wouldn't go that far
I am sorry I kicked you in the balls.
Sorry.
Nah not feeling it anymore. I think maybe I helped you out
Maybe I kicked out all that gay repression
Kicked it right off of your dick
You're free, my little angel, go free.
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