25 Awful Things to Say to Bulgarians

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Your national flag's colors are unpleasantly high contrast.

Name one, just one Bulgarian I have ever heard of ever in my life and I will give you one million dollars right now. Name any city or county or province or geographic feature in Bulgaria I have ever heard of even once for a cool million right now. Go ahead.

Nice shoes!

Eat much cabbage lately?

Is it true that in Bulgarian traditional dancing the men dance with each other, holding each other's sashes? It is?

Hey, let's go to a Bulgarian restaurant! Oh, wait, there aren't any. Because Bulgarian food tastes like armpits smell and looks like it just got unclogged from the toilet.

Your national mens volleyball team is excellent. My sister used to play volleyball. A lot of girls play volleyball. Volleyball is a great sport for girls.

I've designed a new flag for Bulgaria. It's a gay rainbow flag with a cabbage in the middle, plus five hundred gaping buttholes for the five hundred years the Bulgarians let the Ottoman Empire fuck them in the ass.

Bulgaria was allied to the Axis in World War Two. Did you know that I'm half-Jewish? Were any of your family members soldiers who killed Allied American soldiers?

PM Sergey Stanishev? More like BM Sergey Stanishev.

"We'll put another shrimp on the barbie" was Paul Hogan's way of saying "Come to Australia." An ad campaign for Bulgaria could feature some fat babushka saying "We'll boil an old cabbage until it is brown cabbage mush for you."

You work for Bulgarian Tourism? Do you feel bad fooling people into going to your horrible horrible country?

Would you say that Bulgaria is the poor man's Macedonia or the thinking man's Calcutta?

I thought you were joking when you said that you were in the Bulgarian Air Force. Bulgaria has an Air Force? You're kidding. I still think you're joking. Like with planes?

Is it safe to say that Bulgaria is half the size of Rhode Island and has nothing to offer anyone?

Indulge me while I try to speak a little of your native Bulgarian language: Blah! Hack! Phthht! Bla-Flaugh! Blek!... How was that?

I would never sleep with a Bulgarian woman even though I like fat women and I will pretty much hook up anyone. It's one of my "little rules."

I thought all Bulgarians lived in airplane terminals.

I think Tina Yothers is of Bulgarian ancestry. She's got that face, you know. (Mash up lips, nose, and eyes with fingers to drive point home.)

Wasn't there like a Bulgarian holocaust or something? And if not why not?

I remember visiting Bulgaria for a week as a child. Oh wait. It wasn't Bulgaria, I fell into a neighbor's septic tank upside down, and it was for 6 days, not a week.

I don't know which I dislike more intensely -- Bulgaria or Bulgarians. I guess I detest them both so completely that it's splitting hairs. No I've decided it's Bulgarians.

Are you a woman or a man? It's so hard to tell with Bulgarians.

The installation artist Christo is Bulgarian. ('Nuff Said.)

Being around any Slavs, especially Bulgars, makes my stomach turn. I would try to choke back my vomit, but the sound will remind you of your national anthem and the smell will remind you of your mother's Bulgarian cooking. Enjoy.

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