I wrote a letter to my niece.

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Dear Pansy,

I do not care about what one shoelace says to the other shoelace. If I encountered a talking shoelace I would step on it like a snake and squish it until it was dead. And the shoelace blood would be all over my shoe and the floor and his talking shoelace family would starve to death in the cold murmuring "papa, papa."

Furthermore, elephants are not funny to talk about. They are emotional animals that are constantly tortured by their depraved 'human' caretakers. I refer you to these websites, 1, 2, and, 3 and I hope you regret your choice of these majestic, troubled elehumans as the subject of your "humor."

I know blind people. As a little girl of merely eight, you have probably never met a blind person. This is why you speak of them so rudely. You must be the stupidest little girl on earth if you think that a blind person would confuse an elephant for a grape. They are not even the same size.

I don't even think you get some of the jokes you tell. They resort to a wild absurdism that may provoke a response, but ultimately prove flaccid and cheap when thought out. These jokes are commonly called "groaners" and they are the kind of jokes fascist leader Ernesto Mussolini enjoyed very much.

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"Arancio voi felici non ho detto la banana" -- Mussolini

Children like you should be seen and not heard or even seen. If you want to tell jokes, tell racist jokes from 1970s Hustlers. Otherwise you look like a queer. Queers are the only people that think banana jokes are funny. Tell that to your faggot baby sister too.

Signed,
Uncle Lando

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Reading the Sunday Comics to Blind People

They don't tell you that you need to bring the paper. They do not provide it. Or you can get creative.

In the first panel, Janis is going through Arlo's old socks. She says "Arlo, you never throw your old socks away!" Arlo responds: "Some people throw their old socks away. Some people throw their grandmothers away."
In the next panel Janis is visibly upset. "We put my grandmother in a home because she was fucking demented, you shit!"
In the next couple panels Janis and Arlo argue about whether or not Janis had ever told Arlo that her grandmother was put in a home. Arlo says it was probably her previous husband she told that to. Arlo calls her a dumpster for cum and mentions that she once lived in a van with a black, and now she lives in a real house Arlo bought with money from the comic strip she hates so much.
In the next panels, Janis leaves and her son Gene comes in. Arlo is sitting on the couch, frustrated. Gene says to Arlo "Hey, Dad." Then Arlo says "Don't call me Dad, kid."

Blind people are sneaky, and if they don't hear any paper crinkling, they will call you on it, even if you are making up the most erotic Miss Buxley-centric Beetle Bailey Sunday strip ever. The moral of this story is don't ever try to read the Sunday comics to blind people.

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The Food Awards

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1st
closest to my house
The Don't Take the Bun Off Award has been stolen by the BK from the Hardees that closed. The patties are rougher than the skin on Christina Aguilera's face. I don't really have a problem with it, but I leave the bun on. If you were having intercourse with Christina Aguilera, you wouldn't take the bag off her head, would you?
But I eat there all the time, it's just a couple blocks. You really can ask them to do it your way. Extra lettuce and tomatoes, on a moderate "junior" size whopper is practically healthy until you ask them to put the mayo on.

2nd
closest to my house
The flavorless steak sandwich at Quizno's had me asking for different sauce and putting on hot peppers. Subway has toasting power too -- just as good for cheaper. But like 1 out of every 100 Americans in the Middle West I just happen to have a Quizno's closer. I only went there once. It just opened. I will give a shot to the new soup bread bowl. But a bread bowl has to have great chewy bread suitable for ripping and dipping. Consider yourself warned, Q.

3rd
closest to my house
Where can I get those mouth-watering sandwiches from the Arby's ads? Because you damn for sure can't get them at Arby's. A more truthful ad campaign: "Arby's. It wasn't actually run over by a bus, it just looks like that --- guaranteed."

4th
closest to my house

McDowells

'Nuff said.

5th
closest to my house
I know three whole people who literally love Wendy's chicken sandwiches. I don't eat chicken so I wouldn't know. But Wendy's has good burgers and a great dollar menu. It makes your kitchen all hot and takes an hour and a half to bake a potato, but it might as well take forty days, because they're a dollar at Wendy's. And the chili? So what if Dave Thomas was a fascist who contributed to far-far-right slush funds? Was Leia bad because Darth Vader was her father? No, she was hot and delicious.

6th
closest to my house
Cold Stone Creamery, where they chop up your ice cream, has a "Sweet Cream" flavor. It tastes like butter. They had to use a code. You just cant tell people you have a butter ice cream. There were art riots in Paris, and there could be a butter ice cream riot in Wisconsin. They also have a cake batter flavor that's like licking God's mixing spoon. It would be cold, too, out in space where God lives, and watches out for us, and gives us angels like Ernest Kenesaw Mountain Coldstone, the founder of this creamery.
I am not embarrassed to say I go there every week if I can drag people. I have no problem saying "Get an ice cream, dude?" to a new friend. I have hung out in bars, and it's great to tip bartenders. Sometimes they will buy you a drink, eventually, if they even ever look at you. But tip teenage ice cream clerks and they will feel it in their hearts and REMEMBER. I call it Mixingate. The best part is instead of chopping up my extra ice cream and extra mixins where the other customers can see it, they chop it up on the back overflow table. They chop it up on the back table in secret! Call Tubbs. And call me if you want to go get ice cream because I got that mixin hookup. Don't ask for pretzels. Cold Stone only does mixins, and pretzels are really more of a topping.

Hairpin Segue: My favorite ice cream topping is what else? Pringle. (If you crush up Pringles they become Pringle.) Pringle can only be sprinkled on the top of ice cream. And it must be eaten immediately, before the Pringle dissolves into the mashed potato goo it's made of. And sprinkling Pringle on ice cream should only be done around people who will not call you "fatty."

7th
closest to my house
If they ever catch me for those paperboys I killed when that shit Reagan was in the White House, Jimmy John's will be my final meal.

Fast food restaurants not even close to my house:
In N' Out Burger -- 1,800 miles
Wahoo's Fish Tacos -- 1,200 miles
Pollo Loco -- 75 miles
George Webb's -- 12 miles (still a little far for GW)

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I wrote an epic poem.

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To the Guy I Kicked in the Balls Last Night
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Did I dream it? Did I really kick a guy in the balls last night?
That's what I thought when I remembered
Kicking you in the balls last night
I have never ever done that even as a kid
I will honestly think about kicking you in the balls
Every day for the rest of my life
Because I did not expect to get such a good kick in
I did not expect to hit your balls so squarely
I mean it really was right in the pocket, wasn't it?
I got behind it but I did not expect to get air -- Cripes!
Maybe I wouldn't have kicked you if I knew it would look like that
Maybe if you knew you wouldn't have pushed me
Just far enough to be at perfect ball kicking distance
If dog rabbit but wow what a kick call the Packers
I have never played football and I do not know any karate
The karate classes I took as a kid were free and don't count
I have seen Remo Williams -- The Adventure Begins a few times
But he does mostly a pokey thing with his fingers.
You pushed me. What did you expect?
A high-five? Firm handshake?
You pushed me and why?
Because you're a weirdo who changes in public?
Are you just the type that pushes around old drunks?
Old-er drunk, and yes, I was drunk but that's no excuse
Don't need one
Because an idiot bigger than me pushed me
Barking at me in moon man language.
Admit it,
Changing in the street is doing something weird
I applaud the effort to conceal yourself with the towel
Modesty is rare these days-- true class! See, I can be nice.
And I figured out what was going on in hindsight
Not then of course, but today I figured it and I dig it
1. Bring the going out clothes to work -- damn right that's cool
2. Staying at work late but still hitting the clubs after -- way to go
3. Ride your bicycle and change out of the sweaty clothes -- nice job
4. Clean up with the drunk young fat chicks at bar time?
Like looking in a mirror. You and I could've been beautiful.
That's why I want you to see it from my side, brother
You were between parked vans and you were moving around
I honestly thought you were strangling someone for the bike
And using the towel to cover it from me. Why not?
I am always on the lookout for criminals so I can step in
What the hell was that poor lady's name?
38 people heard her scream?
.................................................?
I say her name then I sneer and say "New York" dismissively
Like an old 'Stallis babushka
So I was actually looking for a crime to stop
Not trying to check out your delicious body, chum
I was too drunk to focus my little peepers
And that is why I seemed to be staring at you
I was befuddled at your blurry herky-jerkiness
And I was not in a state to explain these things
But do you think that if I said "I'm Captain Wisconsin
And I'm on patrol keeping shit three laws safe -- You dig?"
You would have cooled your jets?
"I promise I didn't see anything?"
Come to think of it why did you have your bike between the vans
Instead of on the curb?
Where it could serve to block the view of passersby like me
To your weird behavior
It wouldn't have been in your way either
Which added to your looking so peculiar
You could have laid the towel on the bike -- yeah!
That's what I would have done
Planned it out a little
Full of bad moves, you -- willy nilly
Demand answers from a drunk who can't focus his eyes
You'll accost the sky next
Demanding answers as to why you were born.
Plus whatever you were saying to me I didn't hear, mumbleypeg
"Blah blah I'm a tough guy blah blah blah" is what I heard
Proud of you. God, I admire you.
But push me I might kick you in the balls evidently
And then of course run away
Doing little for my street cred or reputation as crimefighter.
I wasn't spoiling and I haven't spoiled for years
Since my game improved and I started tapping ass on the regular
You should try it.
You seem to be in excellent shape -- they like that
Once again, I am not interested in you
But do you work out?
My gym schedule is less than rigorous
Me I better keep this gorgeous face.
I have been hit in the balls in the context of sports and games
It hurts and I can sympathize
I have never been kicked however
Possible reason: I am not a gigantic asshole.
Wait I forgot -- I have been kicked in the balls -- Do you have sisters?
You see, you scissors your knees together
And catch their feet mid-kick
Then they are caught and you run at them
With your knees still squeezed to knock them down
For older sisters -- for younger sisters
Just hold them there and slap them until they cry
Until they learn the trick -- aim their ball-toe right at your junk
Avoiding the easy but ultimately risky crotch shot, clever girl
Just like I did to you -- Remember?
But now I am hoist by my own petard
(Which is like smelling your own cabbage farts)
Admitting I fight like a girl -- Agenbite of ball kick
A regret more about hating that I ruined a life long record
Than being concerned that you're sterile
I should have fought you
But I am not at my fighting weight
Nor have I ever been at my fighting weight
I was chicken. Chickenshit?
Wouldn't go that far
I am sorry I kicked you in the balls.
Sorry.
Nah not feeling it anymore. I think maybe I helped you out
Maybe I kicked out all that gay repression
Kicked it right off of your dick
You're free, my little angel, go free.

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I wrote some horrible, horrible Limericks about your mom.

Nantucket

There once was a lady from Nantucket
With a pussy as wide as a bucket
She went on serious tears
With black baseball players
Including the late Kirby Puckett

There once was a crazy old biddy
Who sold her body for 22.50
I didn't make that bid
A black fraternity did
And she still wanted more. Your mom's trippy.

There was a gang pass-around named Edna
Who resembled the actor Richard Crenna
She didn't look so crass
Until she shat out your fat ass
So give her a call or stop by for dinner

Note: I have always found that saying someone's mother sleeps with blacks is an effective insult, because racists hate it. Because I'm not racist, they try to turn it around and I'm all "Ma likes to hit that dark shit. So?"

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Crank This

Everyone who knows me knows just how much I enjoy snap crank hip-hop dances.
Here are my favorite Soulja Boy dances, in order.

• Crank That
• Robocop
• The Shootout
• The Shuffle
• The Spiderman
• The Superman

That is coincidentally also alphabetical order. By the way, it's not "Crank Dat" it's "Crank That." I get really upset when people use "Crank Dat." It's like a racial slur.

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I wrote some haikus.

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Haikus, popular in the 60s, are experiencing a resurgence thanks to hip-hop culture, who call it "da 5 - 7 - 5." I am down with that.

These are about Asian character actors, who are often underappreciated.

Pat Morita played
"Ah Chew" on Sanford and Son
racism made us raff

Cobra Storm Shadow
spoke seldom but when he did
same guy from Deadwood

a real professor?
he's not even Japanese
but I believed it

a stunned James Hong falls
he didn't know what hit him
goddam replicants/Jack Burton

Ernie Reyes Jr.
was in Hollywood too long
scientologist

from Nancy Kwan on
you know I like the halfies
Shannon Sossamon/Devon Aoki

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Lessons Learned from Conan the Barbarian

The best black lotus is from Stygia. Don't get fooled with haga.

Snake cult girls are easy.

Flesh beats steel. That's Crom!

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I wrote a poem about Iraq.

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Iraq

Listen on! Listen on!
This is the truth of it.

Fighting leads to killing,
And killing gets to warring.
And that was damn near the death of us all.
Look at us now, busted up
And everyone talking about hard rain.
But we've learned by the dust of them all.
Bartertown's learned.
Now when men get to fighting
It happens here.
And it finishes here.
Two men enter, one man leaves.
And right now, I've got two men.
Two men with a gut full of fear.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
Dying time's here!

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Here are the subjects my landlady likes to talk about, in order.

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How late the mail comes

How often I receive boxes in the mail

Cherry tomatoes

Colored people

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Movie Review: Three More Burials of Melquiades Estrada

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Tommy Lee Jones and Barry Pepper reprise their roles as a crusty caretaker and a none-too-wise small-town deputy.

The laffs happen when Pepper has a PTA meeting he must attend so he doesn't lose custody of his daughter, and convinces Jones to come along with the body so he isn't late. Coyotes get at the corpse so they hide it in the principal's office. The principal comes in and has intercourse with the corpse, mistaking a cracked femur for an erect penis. This is funny because the principal has been a real hardcase up until then.

Later the corpse's internal organs liquify and he swells up, becoming harder to hide and eventually exploding at a post-ballet tea party for wealthy dowagers. Even though Jones and Pepper are covered with Estrada's putrefying entrails, they realize they couldn't have pulled it off without one another and they hug. Then they run away in fast forward with bluegrass music playing and a bunch of crazy old ladies chasing them.

Great Movie! Thanks Hollywood!

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Serial Killers and Madmen I Have Personally Caught

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The Hillside Molten Lava Thrower

Fred and Ted Gein

Dan "Banana Nose" McManahan

Chip and Donnie Bin Laden

Dougie Bin Laden (no relation)

The Bay View Borax-in-the-Eyes Jerk

The Chainsaw/Icepick/Axe Overdoer

The Crossword Killer (He was called so because he never killed his victims completely.)

Robert Downey III

Stabby

The Olde-Time Iced Cream Shoppe Sniper

All the real actual guys they based the movie Con-Air on. Which was based on a true story. I cannot divulge any more.

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Here are the short jokey movie reviews!

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The Bourne Ultimatum
More karate that takes place really close to the camera.
25 cool points
Porno name: The Pourne Ultimatum

Bratz: The Movie
It's live action and it stars little girls that don't even look like mini sex dolls.
0 cool points
Porno name: No change (in name or costuming)

El Cantante
Is Marc Anthony even Puerto Rican?
0 cool points
Porno name: El Ass-man

Hairspray
Travolta's makeup just exacerbates how weirdly close his eyes are. Even the previews for women's movies suck.
10 cool points
Porno name: Fatty Freaks #7

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Spoiler Alert: It's not as good as the other ones.
25 cool points (Gary Oldman)
Porno name: Hairy Poopchute and the Horndog of the Fat Chicks

Hot Rod
Samberg Farrells, then Fallons off.
18.5 cool points
Porno name: No change

I Know Who Killed Me
I don't like Lindsey Lohan movies.
0 cool points
Porno name: I Know Who Kickfucked Me

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Gay.
10 cool points
Porno name: I Now Pronounce You Crystal and Lanie

No Reservations
Gay.
0 cool points
Porno name: No Reservations (About Anal Intercourse)

Rescue Dawn
Not gay, even with man on man snuggling. Herzogian.*
50 cool points
Porno name: Scraggly Guys #7

Sunshine
Human error in space. "Damn my calculations!!!"
6 cool points
Porno name: Sex Robots Off Mercury

The Simpsons Movie
Well worth the download.
25 cool points

Talk to Me
Ice Tray!
25 cool points

Transformers
CGI gear porn
25 cool points
Porno name: Trannyspooners

Underdog
In name only.
-50 cool points (travesty)
Porno name: Der Unterhounden

Who's Your Caddy?
Too real** for me?
0 cool points

* copped this word from Ebert
** black

25 Awful Things to Say to Bulgarians

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Your national flag's colors are unpleasantly high contrast.

Name one, just one Bulgarian I have ever heard of ever in my life and I will give you one million dollars right now. Name any city or county or province or geographic feature in Bulgaria I have ever heard of even once for a cool million right now. Go ahead.

Nice shoes!

Eat much cabbage lately?

Is it true that in Bulgarian traditional dancing the men dance with each other, holding each other's sashes? It is?

Hey, let's go to a Bulgarian restaurant! Oh, wait, there aren't any. Because Bulgarian food tastes like armpits smell and looks like it just got unclogged from the toilet.

Your national mens volleyball team is excellent. My sister used to play volleyball. A lot of girls play volleyball. Volleyball is a great sport for girls.

I've designed a new flag for Bulgaria. It's a gay rainbow flag with a cabbage in the middle, plus five hundred gaping buttholes for the five hundred years the Bulgarians let the Ottoman Empire fuck them in the ass.

Bulgaria was allied to the Axis in World War Two. Did you know that I'm half-Jewish? Were any of your family members soldiers who killed Allied American soldiers?

PM Sergey Stanishev? More like BM Sergey Stanishev.

"We'll put another shrimp on the barbie" was Paul Hogan's way of saying "Come to Australia." An ad campaign for Bulgaria could feature some fat babushka saying "We'll boil an old cabbage until it is brown cabbage mush for you."

You work for Bulgarian Tourism? Do you feel bad fooling people into going to your horrible horrible country?

Would you say that Bulgaria is the poor man's Macedonia or the thinking man's Calcutta?

I thought you were joking when you said that you were in the Bulgarian Air Force. Bulgaria has an Air Force? You're kidding. I still think you're joking. Like with planes?

Is it safe to say that Bulgaria is half the size of Rhode Island and has nothing to offer anyone?

Indulge me while I try to speak a little of your native Bulgarian language: Blah! Hack! Phthht! Bla-Flaugh! Blek!... How was that?

I would never sleep with a Bulgarian woman even though I like fat women and I will pretty much hook up anyone. It's one of my "little rules."

I thought all Bulgarians lived in airplane terminals.

I think Tina Yothers is of Bulgarian ancestry. She's got that face, you know. (Mash up lips, nose, and eyes with fingers to drive point home.)

Wasn't there like a Bulgarian holocaust or something? And if not why not?

I remember visiting Bulgaria for a week as a child. Oh wait. It wasn't Bulgaria, I fell into a neighbor's septic tank upside down, and it was for 6 days, not a week.

I don't know which I dislike more intensely -- Bulgaria or Bulgarians. I guess I detest them both so completely that it's splitting hairs. No I've decided it's Bulgarians.

Are you a woman or a man? It's so hard to tell with Bulgarians.

The installation artist Christo is Bulgarian. ('Nuff Said.)

Being around any Slavs, especially Bulgars, makes my stomach turn. I would try to choke back my vomit, but the sound will remind you of your national anthem and the smell will remind you of your mother's Bulgarian cooking. Enjoy.

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150 Good Names for Indian Restaurants

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• Bhang!
• You Gets Naan
• Kultcha Klub
• Shawarma by the Lake
• McBiryani's
• Bengali by Golly
• The Oaty Roti
• Hindu Holiday (Where every day is Diwali!)
  
• Goan Crazy
• Currying Favor
  
• Bobby Vindaloo's Lounge
• Batty for Baati
• Ghandi's Lo-Cal Salad Joint (Just look for the skinny Indian!)
  
• O' Mulligatawny's Pub
  
• Chutney Station
• Laasi Come Home
• Chai It -- You'll Like It
• Ganood Ganoush
  
• Grand Panjandrum Garam J. Masala's Tandooritorium

What number am I at...?
On account of I didn't get to 150 (what was I thinking?) here is a cartoon ...for you!

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I took my semi-annual breast exam -- 20 out of 20!

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If you can distinguish between a hanging tea cup and a levitating soup bowl, then you will also do well at this TEST. Say it loud, say it proud: NSFW!
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