Here are the short jokey movie reviews!

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The Bourne Ultimatum
More karate that takes place really close to the camera.
25 cool points
Porno name: The Pourne Ultimatum

Bratz: The Movie
It's live action and it stars little girls that don't even look like mini sex dolls.
0 cool points
Porno name: No change (in name or costuming)

El Cantante
Is Marc Anthony even Puerto Rican?
0 cool points
Porno name: El Ass-man

Hairspray
Travolta's makeup just exacerbates how weirdly close his eyes are. Even the previews for women's movies suck.
10 cool points
Porno name: Fatty Freaks #7

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Spoiler Alert: It's not as good as the other ones.
25 cool points (Gary Oldman)
Porno name: Hairy Poopchute and the Horndog of the Fat Chicks

Hot Rod
Samberg Farrells, then Fallons off.
18.5 cool points
Porno name: No change

I Know Who Killed Me
I don't like Lindsey Lohan movies.
0 cool points
Porno name: I Know Who Kickfucked Me

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Gay.
10 cool points
Porno name: I Now Pronounce You Crystal and Lanie

No Reservations
Gay.
0 cool points
Porno name: No Reservations (About Anal Intercourse)

Rescue Dawn
Not gay, even with man on man snuggling. Herzogian.*
50 cool points
Porno name: Scraggly Guys #7

Sunshine
Human error in space. "Damn my calculations!!!"
6 cool points
Porno name: Sex Robots Off Mercury

The Simpsons Movie
Well worth the download.
25 cool points

Talk to Me
Ice Tray!
25 cool points

Transformers
CGI gear porn
25 cool points
Porno name: Trannyspooners

Underdog
In name only.
-50 cool points (travesty)
Porno name: Der Unterhounden

Who's Your Caddy?
Too real** for me?
0 cool points

* copped this word from Ebert
** black