If I Was Stranded on an Island and Could Only Bring Four Recipes...

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Coconut Surprise

Sandy's Cream of Coconut Soup

Seawater Pot Pies

Gangrenous Foot Salad

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100 Formerly Private Secret Shames of Loland Kapuchinski (redacted version)

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1. REDACTED
   



2. REDACTED
   



3. REDACTED
   



4. Cold sores that make policemen ask “Are you alright, sir?”
   



5. REDACTED
   



6. Bushy chest hair trimmed so it looks like I have pectoral muscles under tee shirt
   



7. REDACTED
   



8. REDACTED
   



9. REDACTED
   



10. REDACTED
    



11. REDACTED
    



12. Nancy Sinatra Syndrome
    



13. REDACTED
    



14. Manifold appreciation for the female form
    



15. Allergies
    



16. Not actually allergic to anything, just crying
    



17. REDACTED
    



18. Fountain soda syrup-to-soda mix ratio judgmentalism causing friction between me and Tania, the local gas station attendant.
    



19. REDACTED
    



20. Motorcycle into pool -- not good for either. I thought it would be like peanut butter and chocolate
    



21. REDACTED
    



22. PORTION REDACTED …but in my defense, she was super ugly
    



23. Saving the world, one me at a time



24. REDACTED
    



25. Proud of being excellent sandwich delivery boy
    



26. Fake lower voice still quite high
    



27. Seen PORTION REDACTED four times already this year
    



28. Pooped the bed at camp
    



29. As often as I was able
    



30. REDACTED
    



31. REDACTED
    



32. Tattoo half-done for eight years. I kept falling asleep. Apparently this Vegas scumbag tattoo institution a $75 dollar cab ride away from the Flaming O has some code of tattoo scumbag junkie ethics that says you can’t tattoo someone who is enjoying a well-earned nap after winning $1100. After all, why would I want to sleep through someone coloring my flesh with a vibrating needle? And these scammer druggies wanted to charge us $300 an hour for the time we spent asleep on two of their many chairs. PORTION REDACTED So it says “Mot” and I think I like it that way, because Mom actually hated tattoos.
    



33. Vermouth drinker
    



34. "Sympathetic pregnancy pains" just vermouth sick
    



35. REDACTED
    



36. REDACTED
    



37. REDACTED
    



38. Hate U2
    



39. REDACTED
    



40. Into radio rap
    



41. REDACTED
    



42. REDACTED
    



43. Easily startled
    



44. REDACTED
    



45. REDACTED
    



46. REDACTED
    



47. Know too many Rush lyrics
    



48. Mind is not for rent
    



49. REDACTED
    



50. They don’t call me “Kid Genius” as much anymore .
    



51. REDACTED
    



52. “Plumber’s elbow” actually “tennis elbow”
    



53. “Tennis elbow” actually from pulling it
    



54. “Third nipple” actually huge disgusting mole
    



55. REDACTED
    



56. Pee-hole in penis seems to be frowning. Frowning when I look at it. If you were facing it, it would look to be smiling, but no one faces it.
    



57. REDACTED
    



58. I used to rap about bowel movements and chewing tobacco with a kid from Immaculate Conception named Pat Flynn, who had no rap name other than Pat Flynn. This is from a rap about using the bathroom, “Bowl Rocker.” “I like to loop it. I eat it then I poop it. When I’m on the mic I get stupid. You poop. I poop. We poop-ed.”
    



59. Pat Flynn and I lost a talent show to good-looking lip-syncers, sisters who also did magic tricks, tarnishing the music industry permanently for us.
    



60. REDACTED
    



61. Ninety-eight year old grandma leaves me a message -- it took me two weeks to even listen -- I don’t sweat it because that bitch will live to a thousand.
    



62. Mock ghetto
    



63. Faux French
    



64. Der baddener German
    



65. REDACTED
    



66. REDACTED
    



67. REDACTED
    



68. Hands soft as lilies
    



69. Decreasing appreciation for my affected, arty penmanship in digital society
    



70. Worst analgrams ever
    



71. Anagrams even worse
    



72. Hundreds of exactly halfway finished palindromes
    



73. REDACTED
    



74. Xanadu, man. He roller skated right into that wall. That's love!
    



75. REDACTED
    



76. REDACTED
    



77. REDACTED
    



78. Onion did not use my story idea “Kansas Schools to Begin Teaching Deckard Was Not a Replicant.”
    



79. Still haven’t decided on weblog name
    



80. What month is this? And the year? Help me out on the day while you’re at it. Then I haven’t missed it! Oh, I did miss it? I missed it.
    



81. I have never learned Grace, the prayer Catholics say before dinner, or I guess eating, but not breakfast. I never learned Grace because we say it together. I don’t even know how it starts. But my being a lousy Catholic is a whole different breast-beating six-volume list of shames in and of itself.
    



82. Hummingbirds and jaguars (I’m still listening to the Frente! album!)
    



83. West Texas, then West Allis have bemulleted my person. While my actual hair appears normal, there is a perceptible “shadow mullet” hanging over me.
    



84. Summer sausage and sardines in mustard? Pumpernickel pickle-lily cucumber sandwiches? Commit to a comic diet, why don’t you?
    



85. Nicknamed roomate's girlfriend with messed-up hand “J.T.”
    



86. REDACTED
    



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99. REDACTED

Phoning the end in...

Who am I kidding? Not one thing on this list brings me down one notch. I am the notch. As same as I ever was. I will remain the quiet storm, while you are just posing like a fronter. Smell my ass at your leisure, fronter.

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Slogans for Cities in Wisconsin

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Milwaukee

Your town's clock tower is pathetic.

Kenosha
Next three exits!

Slinger
Still callin' margarine oleo.

Egg Harbor
Get your FIBs out!

La Crosse
The city, not the super lame sport.

Wyalusing
Wyalusing is for lovers.

West Salem
Home of Harlin Garland's Home.

Janesville
We got a Mills Fleet Farm and a Blain's Farm and Fleet. Beat that New York City!

Sparta
This is Sparta, WI!!!

Cedarburg
Cedarburg: Where you're the black person!

Spring Green
The Green Apple

Minocqua
If you like rustic, try Minocqua! Everybody works at the mill and we're all using the old twenty dollar bills and drinking malted milk. There's no place to find condoms. Our Blockbuster is mostly tapes. We've still got a problem with drunk Indians on Main Street! It's the Yahtzee on sixes of rustic.

Cudahy
Dress casual!

Racine
Better than, or as good as, Kenosha.

Mazomanie
Home of the ugliest nude beach on the planet. Yikes!

Ashwaubenon
Hi-Class!

West Allis
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

When I was in high school I thought there was an actual place near Fox Point called "Locke's Point." I couldn't work it into a slogan.

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I Wrote Some Limericks in a Bad Mood

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Nantucket

There once was a young man named Charles
Who cried as he stood on the gallows
He fell with a thwack
It all went black
And he made a sound like Charo.


There was a man who left his scabies untreated.
It got so gross that he couldn't beat it.
Quoth he "I'm not a looney Lou,
I got these at Harvard U.
Natalie Portman could've had these sweet nits!"


There was a man who feared falling the worst
Because he lived a life so cursed
He slipped when it was raining and pouring
Off the Chrysler Building's dirigible mooring
Onto a pointy-helmeted German tourist


There was my high school girl and wow.
She hasn't lost a step and how.
Her geezer wears mock turtlenecks
And drives a Porsche and they have sex?
(She's renting out her vagina now.)


There was a young lady with a body like a sack
But I think I'll still try to take a crack
If she's got at least one breast
Then she's passed my one test
God's gift to fat chicks is back!


There remains a gal from Nantucket
Who poops in my cock-shaped nuggets
During the ass sex
I read her the classics
As for her one boob, I juggles it


There once was kind of a racist
Who hated the look on their faces,
"I want to kick in
their lazy grins
Right through their Shamrock Shakes."


There was a Limericist whose job was cushy
Though his meter and grammar were mussy
He got as rich as the Buddha
Writing Limericks that were screwed-up
With rhymes as slant as Chinese pussy


There was a woman named Oprah
Who could have run for Pope-rah
But she had to kick G. I. Joe's ass
With a hood/mask
As Commander of the C.O.B.R.A.


I feel better now. God bless Ernesto Limericks!

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