DVDS I Have Not Liked Recently

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The Onion Movie/DVD

It's a car crash you can't turn your head away from, but then you see a busted-up baby seat and you turn your head away, but then you want to see if the baby was thrown clear so you look back, and then you see that the crash has killed a cheerleader, and thrown her sweater off and she was wearing a purple bra, so you pull out your penis and start to masturbate, but then you realize your whole family is in the car, and you turn back away from the crash site to see if your family has noticed and they have. And that's just the first fifteen minutes!
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What's up with my "Specialty" kisses?

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Wouldn’t you like to know? Well, okay.

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What are you, holding a book? You've got use your hands, your arms, your body. Amateur!

The Tough but Tender
This is the one where I grab my wife’s body and slam it against my own, but right before I plant her one, I slow down, giving her just one tiny peck on her top lip, soft and gentle as moonbeams.

Butter P
I sneak around her from behind and hum with my mouth on her jugular, humming using more and more nasal cavity, to transfer the more and more vibration to her neck. I flourish it with butterfly kisses on the chin and jaw, but it‘s not the main event. The name Butter P comes from a dead cat. This is another one for when she is not in the mood.

Red Alert
This is the one where I whip my shirt off while going in for the first kiss, so there’s no confusion. There is nothing worse than a confused woman. With Red Alert, I treat the whole thing like it’s my birthday, there’s a lot of slobber at first but the bedclothes don’t even get damp, and pretty soon everything is fine in my head again, and then she’s talking about her day, or whatever she talks about.

Jazz
The one where I brush a strand of hair from her brow, cup her sun-dappled jowl, look lovingly into her eyes, then trumpet farting noises on her chubby cheeks until she is able to buck me off.

The old Rope-a-Dope
Where I fall on the couch with her on top. If you’re on the bottom, you still have to pull them closer and tighter. This avoids any “Am I crushing you?” response, ‘cause if she gets that into her head you might not pull this deal off. She thinks she is kissing me with this one. I say “You’re frisky today” and it comes off like it was all her idea.

Jane!
I say Jane! really loud like I have something super important to say, but then I just kiss her, Jane, and that is the super important thing.

El Que
Unsneaking a kiss. The one where I turn my face in the same direction when she starts up a kiss, so she has to weave and bob so our noses don‘t bump. She usually doesn’t have to do any work. I am the kisser here. And then I actively try to block her nose with my nose. This kiss is good for being passive-aggressive.

Secret CIA kisses
Public displays of affection are not permitted in my culture, so in a bar or on the softball field or in the presence of children, I go in for what looks like a whisper, but just kissy blow in her ear instead, with kind of a pusst pusst pusst. And then we laugh, making it look like just a joke.

Snaggles
Nipping at her earlobe with my chipped tooth. This is not very erotic for her or me but is good for waking her up.

Spindrift
This involves spinning her around before a kiss. Turning her around is ostensibly for getting a 360 degree view of her. She likes the idea of me checking out her ass and this or that outfit. But it’s more about the spinning, which always feels a little like love. Easy on this one, good kisses are dizzying enough. Don’t try this before or right after Tough but Tender. It will look foolish, and could be potentially damaging to the lady.

Daddy
Daddy is just a hug, but it is the tightest, most full-body hug I offer. I keep my hands open because it increases the hug coverage along with using my head and shoulders to really press that hug in there. Guaranteed to make her feel like a tiny little girl. It is very similar to my hug Hold On! but the cheeks are not touching, no Eskimo kisses, and no hand in the back pocket. This is for when she needs a safe, serious hug.

Some people don‘t name their kisses, but in order to know something you have to call it a name, like how Thor named his hammer or wrestlers name their suplexes. I’m not even telling you some of my more special kisses, like Apollo or Viper, as you will just knock your own wife’s dirty socks off without giving Loland the credit. It’s not really about kisses though, it’s about the sincerity.

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10 Things Kids Could Do Instead of Smoking.

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There’s so many things kids could be doing besides smoking!

Kids could be:

Chucking shit at a beehive.

Rhyming using swear words.

Perfecting a new two-handed masturbation technique.

Drinking codeine cough syrup and standing in the exact middle of the park.

Skipping stones. It’s not gay if you’re really good at it. You don't have to skip there or anything.

Going on a homeless watching expedition.

Catching moths and feeding them to Chad’s gerbil Chuckle Chomps.

Discussing the latest Hustler.

Performing pudding-cupilingus.

Checking the factory dumpsters for sharp metal rubbish resembling throwing stars.

Bothering the garbage men. Cripes, I wanted to be a garbage man!

You know what? Fuck it. Kids should smoke.

Kapuchinski Family Heraldic Items

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The more esteemed and historical the family, the more complex the coat-of-arms chosen to represent it. My family crest is impressive, having been borne in a long line of Crusaders, Philosopher-Kings, Barrel Magnates, plus the regular Sluts and Ball Hogs.

Family motto: Ecce! which is Latin for “Hey you!”

The Falcon Rampart upon a golden egg - the falcon represents skills, the egg, bills.

The man-bear fighting a jackelope - obvious meaning.

Background field of what I think are blue bennys.

Exterior Ornament: A very hairy baby.

A purple tent, because we’re in tents like that.

10 barrels. Why so many barrels? My family was into barrels. Having a barrel was like owning a car back then. Having 10 barrels was like owning a fricking spaceship.

My all-in-one scanner has recently been demoted from 4-function to 2-function, so I can't show you it now, but I will update this post. Do you want a fax?

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Powers Received After Being Bitten by a Radioactive Hawkwind:

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Major Powers:

The Power Hawkwind = The power to grow any moustache instantaneously.

The Power Hawkspace = Teleportation through space, but only from Stonehenge to the Hammersmith Odeon and back.

The Power Huw = The power to summon The Hawkfriends (including Klaatu and those who have been bitten by the Wereslade).

The Power Celestial = The power to completely control, with the mind, all the functions of cellular phones with a Hawkwind ringtone.

Minor Powers:

Instinctive knowledge of how to fly any intergalactic space vessel.

Regrowing bush on shnaved schnizz instantaneously.

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Things I had difficulty saying at Summerfest.

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"Sisyphusian"

"Thistle"

"Familiar"

"Sorry, Officer."

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15 Slogans for Drugs

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When Obama legalizes all the drugs the advertisers will need some slogans and copy. I am getting a head start on Madison Avenue.

Witey Crack - If you find fresher, more-high-grade crack, buy it.

Margen-Pfalter Druggists Association - A century of fine German crack.

Golden Farm Ganja - Straight from nature, sun-grown golden dank. Father (opening baggy): "Can you smell the sun, Jessie?" Daughter: "I can daddy. I can!"

Papi G. Black Tar - You looking to get fucked up, esé? Now there's no need to get shot buying the good shit. Don't be a sucka! Ask for Papi G.

Trump Executive Cut Heroin - High rollers know.

Morning Glory Cocaine - The light cocaine, for mornings.

Maxxx Kief - Special Panty-Peeler Blend - Let's get these girls stoned!

Karl of Paris Angel Dust - Time to find your wings!

Jay's Jays - Commercial: An eskimo lady licks a joint wrapper, leaving a lot of brown saliva, and giving the joint to a nervous couple. Later, at a party for pot smokers, the other pot smokers are disgusted by the slimy joint and the couple are embarrassed. Voice-over: Tired of eskimo slime?! Get your self a baggy of Jay's Jays. No eskimos!

Avicenna Pure Indian Morphine - The doctors' choice. "Four out of five doctors who shoot up agree..."

Arthur LSD Drops - Have you ever really seen your hand?

Pennington Row Crack - Oy Guvernor! Just look for the happy crack baby!

Ben Franklin DMT, The N,N Dimethyltryptamine - An infinity of energy patterns that expresses and explains itself with thought streams both visual and logical. "Seriously dude, try Ben Franklin's."

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