HEADPHONEGATE!

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These new headphones are awful, giant pincers that produce sound. I feel as though I am receiving "The Claw" from Baron Von Raschke and I only have to wear the headphones for a few seconds before I start giving up the names and locations of Al Qaeda cells.
And how painful they are is nothing compared to how stupid they look -- 1/2 Dumbo ears, 1/2 lobsided orthodontic head-bridle.
How was I gudgeoned into making such a purchase? Look at this guy.

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He's not complaining. This guy loves his swell new headphones. A LOT. I wanted to be him when I saw the Maxell headphones in the bargain rack. And yet the image is a lie! A LIE! The headphones are photoshopped in.

The headphones are not even designed for human heads. This is why I feel like I need to admit that I am a witch before I take them off.

FOR SHAME, MAXELL.
FOR SHAME!

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Dinner Party Mix-Tape

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You have awful dinner parties. You make guests take their shoes off. You serve cocktails in cocktail glasses (too small). You allow your guests to fill up on appetizers and cashews. You put beans in the entree (they make people fart) and your hip-hop is a deterrent to long-form conversation. Let me help, in my small way.

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I have rewritten "Greatest Love of All" for zombies.

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I believe the children are our are future
Use your hands to tear their flesh away
Eat all the organs they possess inside
Give them a sense of dread through your moaning
Let the children's slaughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

[Chorus:]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Eating children’s brains
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our are future
Use your hands to tear their flesh away
Eat all the organs they possess inside
Give them a sense of dread through your moaning
Let the children's slaughter remind us how we used to be

[Chorus]

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love.


I didn't have to change it much.

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THE FUTURE... OF PORN!

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I have done a serious study of the internet pornography phenomenon while my wife is in Wausau. I ordinarily don't go for it, as I use the history function on my browser all the time, but this cultural review has been eye-opening. Here are my ideas for where porn can go in the next century.

Twins? Just plain blood-related twins having gay sex? Whatever -- that's barely a step up from incest. I'd like to see conjoined twins going at it. What about Double Siamese? Depending on where they were fused, they'd either line up or have to go turnsies.

Seeing a man 'take charge' by grabbing the head of the woman fellating him is all the rage in porn these days. (The feminists have no one to blame but themselves.) In the future, he will grab her by the eye sockets. That's porn!

There should be black guys with gigantic fake dicks. The future is now. The girls are in on the joke and actually smile, for the beginning part at least, before things get hairy.

These 'on the face' pullouts are clumsy, and therefore less romantic. The future of porn is internal money shots using tiny cameras, x-rays, and clear plastic skin on the abdomen. Voila! The romance is back!

Shaved orangutans.

New Rating: NSFHE -- Not safe for your home, either. Don't tell Dateline!

Friends episodes in which the clothing is digitally removed. Schwimmer is removed completely.

Toddler porn, (For showing to toddlers. Nothing dirty, just a lot of bright colors and happy songs. They are addicted to that shit.)

Alien Autopsy Uncensored

"Delivery room" sex scenes, where the baby has to slide out on the penis like a fire pole.

In Search of: Goatse. Why do I want to know his real name? What makes him tick, besides the obvious?

A monkey riding a dog. (On a tiny monkey saddle. Nothing dirty. A smile is like an erection on your face!)

Asians with huge cocks (CGI).

Plant porn (like a tape of Broccoflower getting made).

A guy who is accidentally sent to a woman's prison. (His name is Pat or Terry or Tony or something else gay, and there is a mix-up or clerical error... Who am I kidding? I've written the entire script. Call me, Porn Syndicate!)

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Happy Belated Mother's Day

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Strophe: I would go on a date with your moms but I don't have change of a five.

Antistrophe: I would go on a date with your moms but I don't have change of a one.

Epode: I would go on a date with your moms but I don't have a change for my eyes.

What's the difference between your mom's ass and a hard drive? A hard drive occasionally gets wiped.

Your mom's titties are so small they should be on the Periodic Table.

Your mom's pussy is more played than Parcheesi.

Your scientist mom is so fat she invented an oxygen-rich cookie dough for deep sea snacking. Your mom is awesome!

Your mom's collection of antique wooden "nautical pegs" got a low estimated auction price at the Antiques Road Show because they all smelled like old enchiladas.

Your mom was the third most popular State Fairs-era Foghat roadie passaround.

Your mom's vagina smells so bad I would have to stick a dead skunk up my nose in order to go near it.

Your moms had so many abortions that next time she gets a free one.

Your mom's pussy got so much AIDS I call it "Little Haiti."

I call your mom's underwear drawer "The People's Republic of Shitstainia."

Your mom is as fucked up as the uterus on Jamie Curtis.

Your mom did so poorly on Price is Right that the audience went quiet and Bob Barker was visibly shaken.

Your mom rides a recumbent bicycle.

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My TV Show.

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...So I meet this TV producer and I tell him that he should do a show about me and my crazy family. He says he hears that all the time and what would an episode of the show be like? And I say that he could do an episode about me and my wife's crazy sex life. I just got out of prison, and in prison I got the head of my penis bit off. Not the whole way, but mostly, and you can still see every toothmark, like someone had bitten into a block of cheese, and right in the center of the bite is a little red tube and that's my peehole. I also have swastika tattoos all around my dick and butt. I tell the TV producer I was one of the popular guys in prison.
...With half a head, in order to come, I have to really pound on my wife's ass for hours, which is okay because she is very heavily medicated. She can't even talk or feel anything. I have to ram it like a maniac and me, and other guys I guess, have rammed her so much that her asshole is completely distended--her anus can stick out maybe a foot past her butt. Sometimes I lay her down in the fetal position when she is unconscious and stomp on the distended anus with high heels. She doesn't even notice. Her drug problem, that could be an episode too.
...But it's a family show. We've got this adopted son, although I guess adopted is a strong word. We call him Shitpussy and he's a mongoloid, good for beating on and not much else. Except I've broken his jaw so many times that there is scar tissue up and down his mouth and throat, making it super nice and tight.
..."Stop right there!" says the TV producer. "We'll make a few small changes to it and call it The World According to Jim."

And that's how my TV show got made.

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I wrote a poison index.

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Progressive classifications like the Bristol Stool Scale or the Schmidt Sting Pain Index are used to help doctors. I have written a poison scale to tell a doctor or doctors how poisonous something is.

1. Poisonesque
   
2. Somewhat poisonous
3. Fairly poisonous
4. Poisonous -- 'Nuff said
5. Just plain poisonous
6. Not just plain poisonous
7. Really poisoney
8. El Poisano Grande!
   

These are not necessarily in order.

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Challenge: I will outblog anyone with posts on these topics.

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How NOT to deal with people crying on city buses.

Cheating at croquet: Master class.

Comparing 1983's Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe with 1985-1988's Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. (Contrasting would be a more appropriate word!)

Training your ferret with beer.

What the noises from the guy upstairs might be. (One-man rodeo?)

How to force DDR2 DIMM chips into DDR3 slots, even though they are specifically designed not to fit in, or why someone would 'force' computer chips into anywhere.

Imaginary friends I stole as a kid.

Fish: How long can they live on english muffins?

How to guess if a house is a crack house or not: Master class.

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Espanol el Apprendio de Nuevo Harold y Kumar Contrabando - Subtitulada

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¡Guarda la pipa! - Hide the bong!

Amor dura - Tough love

Nada arriba - Topless

Necesito drenar la vena principal. - I gotta drain the main vein.

¿Que demonios? - What the heck?

¿No es una fogata del Ku Klux Klan? - Did we just walk in on a Ku Klux Klan bonfire? -- Ay-yi-yi!

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15 Gasoline Slogans

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When was the last time you heard a really good gasoline slogan that made you want to go out and buy tons of gas?

Carleton House Gasoline: It's the reason to buy a car.

Plymouth Rock Gas: Now you've got gas!

RWB Gas: Regular Gas for Proud Americans

Monsieur Karl of Paris Gasolines: Careful! Eez Flammable!

Fentlyr's Gas Products: Fentlyr's is the Gas That Takes You Places.

Blue Sky Gas: The Cure for "Tired Car Syndrome."

Gas City Gas: The Future of Gas... Is Now!

Pall Mall Gas: We Still Use Wooden Derricks and Wells.

Family Gas: Safe for kids!

Blackman's Gas: Formulated with Clocktane for quick starts and stops. Why would you spend more?

Gas Depot Gas: A name you can count on. A gas you can trust. Gas Depot Gas: The 'good gas' gas people.

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