29 April, 2008

Now We're Cooking Now!: Summer Sausage

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Summer Sausage is Nature's perfect food. It is as hearty as the pioneer spirit of America. It lasts longer than Castro, and unlike Disney's head, it needs no refrigeration. It is as flexible as my high-school girlfriend, and just as cheap. It lends a rustic air to any dish in which it is featured.
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Summer Sausage Carbonara - Employ your favorite carbonara recipe, (mine comes out of a little packet) but use summer sausage instead of bacon. Another benefit of summer sausage over bacon is that it accepts a fork better. You can use it to cap a twirl of noodles and shovel peas on. I don't just add a few peas for color either. I like two or three peas to pop in my mouth every bite. Peas taste pretty bad, but the pop makes it fun.

Spaghetti Meat Sauce - I add a tube of ground turkey strictly for texture, because with some cubed SS, we got the flavor covered. I use Paul Newman's sauce and fresh green peppers. I serve it with anchovy garlic toast - pan fry some garlic in butter, then smush up a tin of anchovies in it and smear it on toast. Who's rustic?

Loland's Fresh Blood - I make unreal Bloodies. I have a juicer, of course. If it plugs in I own it. The way I make this tasty drink is at odds with my not being a California fancy pants, but trust me. You could use no-salt V-8, but trust me. If you can stomach sickly sweet store-bought mix, with its high-fructose corn syrup and lack of zing, then perhaps you are not the person Loland had in mind when he invented this beverage. This cocktail is meant for chillingly critical gourmands and non-smoker supertasters. Fresh juiced tomatoes and peppers really pop with pep and fresh flavor. Red bell peppers cost way more but adding juiced green peppers sullies the deep red color. Juice hot peppers, radishes, and carrots, too. Carrots balance out the heat, plus all that jazz is heart-smart. Mix the vodka and juice and refrigerate. Muddle a sugar cube in some worcestershire and Tabasco in a lowball glass heavily rimmed with celery salt. I use frozen cooked shrimp, frozen summer sausage cubes, and cold pickles instead of ice. The shrimp and sausage are unfrozen and perfectly flavored by the end.

Summer Sausage Vinaigrette - It's hot bacon vinaigrette, served warm, but with shredded summer sausage instead of bacon. There is less grease to render out of the sausage so you'll need more olive oil.

Summer Squash and Summer Sausage Jambalaya. Both summer sausage and summer squash have summer in their names! Isn't that great? Oddly enough, this is more of a fall dish.

Summer Sausage Pizza Bake! This is self-explanatory. Pizza Bake!

Picnic Table Stew - They call this Frogmore Stew, but there are no frogs in it. They also call it a Low Country Boil. Or Bedford Stew? Regardless, skin a stripe in a few Red Potatoes and boil with thick slices of the old Summer Sausage. Add some Old Bay or some other spices. Then add corn on the cob. Then at the end add some shrimp or crawdads until they are done. And here's the fun part, just dump it out over some newspapers on a picnic table. Serve with crusty bread. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more rustic, there I go!

Fucken ay, just put the summer sausage in a bowl and pour milk on it.
It's the best.
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28 April, 2008

I wrote some kōans.

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What is the sound of one tooth clackering?

There is a kōan in here somewhere.

The root word of "impossible" is "possible."

Checkitty check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Bodhidharma crossed the Yangtze River and came to the kingdom of Qi. He just just parked on some dude's lawn, using his hazards.

Rainy days used to make me sad, but not since I started growing alfalfa.

Student: Are you taking a shower? Al Jaffee: Shower? I thought this was a phone booth and I came in to make an obscene phone call.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

McGriddle farts smell exactly like McGriddles. The body has no idea how to process them. It's a kōan for your GI tract.
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27 April, 2008

15 Things My Wife Said During the NFL Draft

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Jane is sharing my interests.

  • Go Packers!
  • I hope he doesn't get cocky about being drafted first.
  • I would never trade my first round draft pick. In football, or in anything.
  • With a name like Shawn I thought he'd be Irish.
  • Where would you like to go if you were drafted? I'd pick New York.
  • COMMENT TOO RACIST TO REPEAT (Unintentional, of course!)
  • More quarterbacks, please!
  • Oh my God! That's where Poppy went to school! I have to call her.
  • Poppy on the phone: They draft them? Even if they don't want to play?

    Jane: They draft them so they don't have to pay them as much.
  • I can't believe Danny Woodhead hasn't been drafted. He's sooo cute.
  • Who else, that I would know, has won the Theisman?
  • That guy is fast!
  • Is that Tiki Barber's brother? (Go Jane!)

I love her.
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25 April, 2008

I was beaten by my father.

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A Poem about Abuse


I was beaten by my father.
Why, papa, why?

I was beaten by my father.
Checkers, tennis.
You name it.
Horse AND pig.
Run Yourself Ragged.
Tri-ominoes.
Balderdash, the hilarious bluffing game.
No quarter asked or given.
Scotland Yard -- which clearly states on the box
"A compelling detective game for ages 10-adult."
Yet I was compelled to play it at nine.
I could not help my little brother,
who was yet a tender seven,
And was often beaten badly.
I still cry when I hear the pop
Of a pop-a-matic bubble
Leaking my insides like a broken plastic sand-timer.
Father had no patience
For Risk or Monopoly, at least,
And he wouldn't play us in Atari.
The joystick conveniently made his hand hurt,
But we were used to the pain.
He would beat us savagely
Even in games based mostly on chance,
Hurting us all the more.
Mom would just watch helpless
Making a casserole,
Laughing
When we would joke to cover our suffering.

I was beaten by my father,
Who claimed often that he loved me.

I was beaten by my father.
Why, papa, why?
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23 April, 2008

50 Other Things That Won't Get Me Boing-Boinged.

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They have earned my emnity since I got denied. I sent them this...
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Not photoshopped. Okay, I straightened it.

Wha-at?! Classic 60's Archie popping quaaludes ain't Boing-Boing enough? Two girls for every guy, peer pressure, and tranqs. It's not as good as Mickey attempting suicide but it's worth a shout-out. Anyway, they'll feel my wrath, just like God feels my wrath when I shake my fist at the sky.

  • Can't the Boing-Boing crew take a picture where they are backlit or something?! Couldn't they pretend to be cool for just the one second it takes to take a picture? Why don't they just wear two pairs of glasses each and propeller beanies?
  • I don't like ads. I don't even like to know they exist. They upset my delicate sensibilities. I don't like ads or drafty rooms and I'll just scream if I'm anywhere near a pigeon. The internet is where I go to be free of ads. They're sneaking them in now cause they know they can, cause they got us hooked on the vids. Those sweet sweet funny crazy vids. That's called the comeback and it's what smack dealers use on their clientele. Shame-Shame.
  • The links to average artists' work seem suspiciously like ads. I like neat art so just pick me a winner. Half a second of screen change is too much for me. I'm not being sarcastic--it is. Me, I like to scroll. That's why they call me Easy Scrollin' Loland.
  • DRM, DMCA, RIAA, etc. still going strong. Copyright lawyers are ten times smarter than copyfighting bloggers and not even half as lazy.
  • I say "seen it, seen it, seen it" when I hit this site ever since digg and reddit got going.
  • In Neuromancer the technology was nonsense. Literally transparent. Gibson, more of a social fictioner, became scientifically literate only later in the game.
  • Lovecraft was overwrought in proportions unspeakable... Oo, I guess it happens. I'm not counting this one.
  • I bought these SWAT boots I saw on Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools in my gayest second ever. They also have a 14-hole-to-zipper conversion kit that I seriously considered for my fifth gayest second ever.
  • Mark Fraunfelder considers himself an illustrator but his illustrations are all cheesecake and robots. Is he doodling on his folder during phonics class? Isn't there an age cutoff point for cutesy-wootsie?
  • This website is full of thetans. The late Amazing Randee would think I was a sucker but I'd like to see his e-meter readings!
  • Terrorists walk among us and I think the best way to stop them is hassling people who take photographs in public places. The Government agrees with me, and has there been another 9/11? (I don't mean just the date, that happens every year. I mean crazy blowing-up stuff stuff.) Only a little! Thanks Government!
  • Too many pity-generating tributes to dead or dying sci-fi writers. Sci-fi writers' lives always end alone, diseased and penniless. This is as it should be for those who kick against the pricks. There is noble honor in that death.
  • I know Neal Stephenson. We were neighbors growing up in West Allis. He was removed from public school (punched a teacher) and sent to Ethan Allen School for Boys in Wales, WI, which used to be a tuberculosis sanitorium, where he eventually got a tattoo on his fucking neck at age 13. Even though we used to be close, after his first year at Ethan Allen Neal Stephenson came back and gave me the nickname Stinky Butt. I blame the system. Although in all fairness to the system I did not always wipe my butt thoroughly after making a dunky, which is what we called pooping in those days.
  • Corey Doctorow's fiction is easily available due to willy-nilly Creative Commons licensing (so we all know it's utter crap). Corey, you aren't a sci-fi writer with a sales blog, you are a professional blogger, who dabbles in crap.

    Did Loland mention he a balls-out straight hater? Now you got the news, Boing-Boing--Low K is bulldoggin'. My grill up in this, bulldoggin'.

  • I would totally introduce my plant-nerd friend Clayton to Xeni Jardin. (He's fat.)
  • You know who went to Disneyland a lot? Rich kids. Hate to drop the R-bomb but there it is.
  • Macs are for rich kids, or worse, cultists. Cultists want to be in on something. Boing-Boing, for instance.
  • Last I heard, Apple and Disney are corporations. No need to to put their dicks in your mouth unless they pay for the privilege. Even then leave some space.
  • Mobile posting sponsored by Microsoft. 'Nuff said.
  • Nintendo was for air-conditioned fat kids. Everyone at Boing was either super fat or super skinny as a kid, guaranteed.
  • It might be nice to have a Big Brother looking out for you. We've got the wallscreens already and I love them. I'm like the one Julie Christie in Fahrenheit 451--I can't wait to get a bigger one so I can be closer to my television family. Dystopia might be all right.
  • I think atheists are atheists because they masturbate a lot, and they would feel ridiculous if they believed God was watching. (It's a cross to bear. I swear, sometimes I feel like I am masturbating with an ancestor's cold dead hand.)
  • Agnostics need to shit or get off the pot. There will be no pleading plausible deniability to a wrathful God at the End of Days.
  • Bums are performance artists and vice-versa.
  • Graphic novels are comic books. Comic books are for kids. They are, you know.
  • Computers used to suck, and now they're good. Not the other way around. Getting wistful about old computers is misplaced nostalgia. No-stalgia? Nauseastalgia? No time to sniglet! I'm bulldoggin'!
  • Canadian! J'accuse!
  • Bruce Schneier is a security expert? I'm no Jimmy Snuka, but I'm pretty sure I could beat the shit out of him.
  • The Church of the Subgenius is just the lazy man's Discordianism, which is the poor man's Existentialism, which is Dada's dumb-but-haughty sister.
  • Marijuana is mostly used for non-medical purposes. Like writing weblogs.
  • HOWTO divide a freezer-bag into individual servings before freezing? Super! HOWTO set up a DIY abortion clinic? Really? So close to Prom?
  • Philip K. Dick was against abortion. What's so great about abortion anyway?
  • The Dalai Lama is against abortion. Did you know his first name is "Jetson?"
  • Women don't even go on your site.
  • Boingers are not Nerds. Nerds do hard science for a living and talk ONLY in moonman science talk. They don't deign to stupefy themselves with common conversation, and they can be respected for that. They actually hate to be confused with fanboy-geek types. I know...

    Me: "Are you going to see that (Such & Such Sci-fi Movie) when it opens this weekend?"

    Nerd relative: "I'm attending a lecture in India."

    Boing is geeks, a band higher in frequency and lower in power on the unmagnetic spectrum of disassociated culture... of people who were picked on as kids. Geeks are dilettantes who get overexcited about their cool new thing and spittacles form on the edges of their lips when they sputter about it. I can practically see the flaky crust on the corners of the screen.
  • If you graphed the only eleven subjects they post on, then you would be just as bad.
  • What is the point of a watch that is hard to read? It's like wearing cologne that's hard to smell. Okay, I see it. Can't hate on the crazy watches. I'm not counting that one toward the 50 but I'm still bulldoggin'. I'm like a Tiger ripping into Boing-Boing's flesh with my claws and fangs and Tiger sword.
  • Somewhere out there there is someone actually masturbating to "2 girls, 1 cup." I bet it's a dude, I bet he's got one of his mom's turds in his mouth, and I bet he reads Boing-Boing...
  • More people see Goatse than the Pieta. Tubgirl is this culture's Grande Jatte. Ask yourself: Should this be a meme? Should I help to spread this?
  • ...and Rick Astley's back. Thanks a lot!
  • Free e-books are free for a reason. There are some old broken frames out by my garbage cans that I have freed from their legal constraints, isn't that great?!
  • If you go to Burning Man you will see a lot of penises. They should really be put away when not in use.
  • Linux is still not an option for most users. I installed it... "What do you mean I can't play games?" If you want something for free you have to steal it.
  • Teller doesn't talk because he has a voice like a little girl.
  • Game designer Marvin Glass refused to pay licensing fees to Rube Goldberg for Mousetrap...
  • It was not because Rube Goldberg stole his famous idea from limey Heath Robinson. Rube's other works were infantile--Boob McNutt, Professor Butts...
  • They're doing this retrospective on their BoingTV, which has only been around for 6 months. That's not a retrospective. That's a currentspective.
  • Steampunk is for geek dandies. Like being a geek isn't bad enough, you gotta sissify it? Stick it in your electric ascot, Nemo!
  • Boing-Boing is very Web Number 2.0
  • Who helped the most after Katrina? Wal-Mart.
  • Who hires all the poor people? Wal-Mart. They don't read Boing-Boing I guess. Idiots!
  • I bet they all ride recumbent bicycles at Boing-Boing. They don't know it, but that's like the worst insult ever.
Ten seconds after I post this all Boing-Boing's servers will fry from shame. The bloggers' laptops will be found on the floor next to a pile of computer chips, having done the honorable thing. I will receive super secret emails from their girlfriends and common-law wives, and more importantly, their advertisers. Then I will become what I beheld until my place on top is wrested by some new hotshot hater.
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21 April, 2008

All Four Burners: Ten Minute $3 Full Breakfast

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I am one-third Scottish, one-third Jewish, and one-third Dutch. As such, I am the cheapest man in the universe, always trying to figure out how to save three cents on a length of pipe. Time is money, so I have to do things fast fast fast. I've got other things to do. I mean, lists of penis euphemisms don't write themselves. I make this easy, tasty, heart-smart daystarter all the time. This actually takes me more than ten minutes because if I use the toaster, microwave, and coffeemaker at the same time I would blow a fuse. You probably don't live in a hovel, though, so it should take you just ten.

Pan 1. - Potato Crepe.
Mix mashed potato flakes with water and onion powder until it is as runny as milk. Mix in egg. Pour thin sheet into heated, oiled pan. Crispen then flip. Use your extra-slippiest teflon-coated pan because old boy is sure tough to flip without.

Summer Sausage Goddam Rules.

Pan 2. - Crispy Summer Sausage and Breakfast Vegetables.
Summer sausage is cheaper, quicker, healthier, easier, meatier, and kosherer than bacon. Julienne the sausage (thin strips) and fry, shaking the pan frequently. Add mushrooms, cap side down, once the sausage has let go some of its grease. Add onion wedges a few minutes after (I like my onion to still have a little bite). Add grape tomatoes a few minutes before serving, making sure that the tomatoes are touching the pan. Be careful when biting into hot grape tomatoes, because if you get a tomato juice burn on your lip it will look just like a cold sore. You can tell them what it really is, but no one will believe you, and shame will be your name and game.

Pot 1. - Frijoles Negros.
Brown crushed garlic cloves in olive oil. Drain most of the bean goo from a can of black beans and dump the rest of the can into the hot pot. Add green pepper and onions, the frozen pre-chopped is fine. Add more spices. Stir lightly and frequently. Serve with Beano, because you're eating eggs too and no one likes egg farts. There is something disconcerting about farts that smell like food you've consumed.

Pot 2. - Loland's Hand-Mixer Mock Souffle.
Mix eggs, dollop sour creme, dollop water, dash cornstarch, dash white vinegar, dash no-salt dry butter flavor granules, and dash no-salt Ms. Dash spice blend. Use a metal hand mixer to blend in deep pot. Heat slowly, continuing to blend with hand mixer. This results in a light egg foam. Salt and sprinkle on cheese while still hot. Dot with Tabasco before eating. This egg recipe is awesome and I invented it. I am letting you in on it because I am sweeter than breezes through the honeysuckle.

4-slice Toaster - Buttered Toast and Flapjacks.
I call them Flapjacks because that's what Paul Bunyan called them. Frozen toaster flapjacks, French toast, and waffles are just as good as the ones you make yourself. You purists can go jump in the lake.

Microwave - Fruit Compote Flapjack Topping.
Mix handful frozen fruit, dollop orange juice, double pinch brown sugar, pat o' butter, dash vanilla, and pinch cinnamon and nutmeg. Microwave until very hot and let sit for a while. You can put it on the flapjacks. Have a scoop of vanilla ice cream too as long as you are not around anyone who will call you "fatty."

Serve with coffee, milk, AND orange juice. Just like on the back of the cereal boxes. I never skimp on presentation, even when eating alone. Cooking is an art. I would take a picture except for I sat on my digital camera.

Give the lady breakfast!
Provided your last night's date is not too hungover from the Rohypnol to eat, this is the perfect morning fry-up -- impressive, but quick enough to seem like you're not trying too hard. You don't need to mention how cheap it is. Make sure she sees you using all four burners, plus the toaster and microwave. Make sure she sees you crack the eggs two at a time. I swear she will mention that to her friends even before she mentions the size of yer cock.
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17 April, 2008

Come on!

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Keanu didn't ruin Street Kings because it would not have been very good anyway. No surprises with Keanu's performance though. He's really bad.
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There is a point in which Keanu taps another cop on the chest with his fist and says "Come on." A natural enough gesture for most, to spur another person with a small chuck, but Keanu starts his swing too early before his sentence and he keeps his fist on the other officer's chest for too long. He enunciates the words too slowly and separately.

Forest Whitaker can change cadence in the middle of a line, show you angry and nervous simultaneously, even express things unsaid using his face and body. Keanu cannot mimic basic human motion.

In Speed, Keanu calls a large man "Gigantor" in reference to an old cartoon, but Keanu has never made a pop reference in his life. He blurts it out with no rising or falling tone to signify it as humor. Keanu seems to think the man's name is actually "Gigantor." Or maybe he thinks the actor will be replaced after filming with a CGI Gigantor. It is impossible to guess what his character is thinking, because Keanu does not modulate his voice or make facial expressions. Reflect on that and also Keanu's position as a top Hollywood actor, like Hayden Christensen.

Why, Loland, why?
I have a theory: David Geffen shoots his come so hard into the back of a male ingenue's throat that it damages his spine and motor/sensory abilities. He is then given a career as a top actor for disability compensation.

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16 April, 2008

Here are the short jokey movie reviews!

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Meet the Browns
Tyler Perry continues his one-man war on cleverness.
German Name: Andere Schwarzenfilme!

Jumper

I won't criticize Hayden's performance as I think he is recovering from a stroke or something.
German Name: Nicht Genügend Der Hotty

10,000 BC
More mammoths please! If you can't do more mammoths, then less movie, please.
German Name: Nicht Genügend Der Hotty II

The Hitman
Some of this movie is ridiculous!

Horton Hears a Who!

Seuss movie without hideous frightmasks, but with more padding than a down comforter.
German Name: Der CGI Elefant

There Will be Blood
It was good until I fell asleep. Sorry, Dan! It's okay though: I dreamed I was watching a new Deadwood episode.

Juno

She's pretty fully-realized and eloquent for a teenage slut.
German Name: Jew? No!

Darjeeling Limited
Would make a beautiful silent film.

Leatherheads
Gayer than you'd think.

Drillbit Taylor
Which plays better in the media, a drug overdose or a suicide attempt?
German Name: Superschlechte

Stop-Loss
Daring performances that still blow.
German Name: Wir Toldusoe

21
So the protagnerd loses his V-card to Kate "rocket scientist" Bosworth, but then the dramatic crux of this movie occurs when his fat friends kick him off their science team. ?!
German Name: Schwarzejack

The Mist
Nothing scarier than a mist!
German name: Der Leitrainen

I Am Legend
Fresh Prince wisecracks his way through what is really a love poem to New York City. Love ya Big Apple!
German Name: Ich Bein Ein Jetsfaan

Beowulf
You can see Angelina Jolie's crimp!
German Name: Der CGI Krimpen

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Conventional wisdom suggests the dumber a movie is, the more appropriate it is for children. ?!
German name: Wunterplatz Herr Kunterslatz

Fred Claus
This is the kind of Christmas movie Jews make. Stick to the Holocaust flicks!
German name: Weihnacht Haben Ludacris Ein Zwerg?

The Bank Job
Nothing more boring than a true story.

The Golden Compass
We only get a third of a dance with the cool special effects. The rest is just a big cold meander. What would my animal spirit be if I had one? It would probably be something uncool, like a regular cat with a bunch of eye-boogers or a chicken. Everybody would be hanging out with their tigers and falcons and I'd come in and they'd say "Hey look, it's Loland and his chicken." And the chicken would have a French accent, too. Even if there was magic, life would still be the same.

No Country for Old Men
Good, except old men actually love country.
German name: Blut Simplen

National Treasure: Book of Secrets
No Rock II? No Face/Off II? No 9mm? This is the one?

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alternate Title: From Sarcastic Skateboarder to Scientologist Schlockmeister: The Jason Lee Story

The Bucket List
I would rather listen to the guy upstairs beat his dog than see this film. It's actually pretty funny because it's a little dog and he is an old man and he has to chase it to hit it.
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I Wrote Some Dirty Emoticons

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Filthy emoticons for racists, drug-users, and Frenchmen. 'Nuff said!

[:]

".."

'><'

H:

(*)

(|)

(||)

(\)

{:?

+=-.

VV

!P=

'#,
.

Novelty Top VII!

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Novelty Top VI!


If Lyle Alzado had tits, they'd look just like Tara Reid's.
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03 April, 2008

I wrote 25 heretofore unheard-of ways to say "penis."

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Only the most fecund mind can make a new footprint here.

  • Urethral Hat & Coat
  • Me Cockenberries
  • Indian name: "The-salmon-who-jumps-through-the-bear"
  • Pants Hog (double meaning) (counting it twice)
  • Pink Pendulum
  • Ladies' Tongue Massager
  • Alt Schwach und Schlaff
  • Man's Best Dick
  • The Bell That Never Rings
  • The Vein, Main
  • The Rude Tube
  • The Grand Gland
  • The Meat near my Feet
  • A "Freeness"
  • Udder of One
  • Bifurcation-by-the-Balls, NY
  • Homosexuality-Proving Instrument #3
  • Pale Rider
  • Itchy Hormel
  • Unvagina
  • Ballpeener
  • Internet Malware Activation Device
  • Old Mundungus
  • My Fellas
  • Dr. Shrinker
  • Prince Albertless
  • The Tumescenator
  • The Little Man with the Lost Hat

What's up with Hayden Christensen?


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Sure, he's dreamy, but he can barely speak. He couldn't act his way through soaking wet toilet paper. He's really really bad. Keanu bad. They shouldn't have let Keanu ruin all the movies he ruined. He's a blight. They should have stopped him after Dracula. They should have stopped him when they found out that "Keanu" was a Hawaiian word meaning "wooden." Hayden and Keanu are ruiners of movies. Ruiners!

I'm trying to get into the story while watching Jumper. I'm not a slacker. I'm doing the work! But every time this Hayden comes on screen, me and my suspension of disbelief get thrown right off the rail. He just mouths his lines with a thousand yard stare, like a kid reading a report to the class. I can't stop thinking "What the hell is going on with the people who make these movies that they can't see how bad he is?" Teleportation! And I can't even get into it.

He is too disrupting to the fourth wall, even a fourth wall as solid as science fiction's. Put him in the chick flicks. An audience of ladies would be too busy thinking about breaking off a piece of his man-candy to mind his monotone delivery and the glassiest of stares.

William Gibson wrote Johnny Mnemonic, which featured Keanu Reeves as a man with no human emotions, or something. Gibson's next work to be filmed, Neuromancer, will star Hayden Christensen. Why doesn't William Gibson get some sort of rider on his next big movie contract that they have to hire a legitimate actor and not some boy toy with dead eyes?

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Rachel Bilson isn't very good either,
but I'm going to go ahead and give her a pass.
You go, RB!

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