31 July, 2007

50 Names for Roller Derby Girls


I have a long-standing offer to help any Roller Derby Girls get ready for their games. Thinking up sobriquets is just one of the ways I could be helpful.
.
  • Ali Farter
  • Edna Garrot
  • "The vaGentle vaGiant"
  • Cute Rockne
  • Snake Goddess "Nice Set"
  • "Wheelie" Schluttie
  • Hope Farkakt
  • Stroker Ace
  • Boobsbraham Lincoln
  • Hanta Jemima
  • Ghost of Nicole Brown
  • Lucy Gucci
  • Cruel Moe Dee
  • Larger Marge
  • Lady Bird Flipper
  • Barbellerella
  • Mayor Momcroak
  • Knieval Skatever
  • Niandra Thal
  • Susan Gunpowter
  • Elizabeth Bareknuckle Browning
  • Susan B. Kickingyoreass
  • Oooh! Thant & Dang! Hammarskjold
  • B. Tricks Potter
  • Straight Jaquelette
  • Codeen Drip
  • Sally Rottencrotch
  • Gidget Ginch
  • Tempest Bledsoe & Craven Simone
  • Carol Burn-It!
  • Tallulah Crackhead
  • Mrs. RIAA
  • Ayn Random
  • Mom N. Chance
  • Emma Lation
  • Vagina Heep
  • Alice Callous
  • J. K. Growling
  • Neutrina Collider
  • St. Joan of Arkham Asylum
  • Ebenezer Snatch & Tiny Tit
  • Crap Suzette
  • Sid Delicious
  • Bleeda Ford
  • the Widowermaker
  • Kay Rottychops

19 July, 2007

Lessons Learned from Blade Runner

.
Tortoise = Turtle

The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

You can always tell a replicant, you just cant tell him much.

Electric Sheep
.

What's up with Rape Scenes?

.
Casualties of War
A rape scene occurs in Casualties of War. Before that it's even worse. Michael J. Fox attempts to comfort a Vietnamese girl who has been kidnapped and brutalized pre-rape. He treats an injury by taking off her clothing with a gentle touch and speaking in soft whispers to her. Save the whispers for the rape! Put yourself in her place. She's never even seen Family Ties. I would be saying "Me clean blood! No sexy sexy here!" -- instead he's practically nibbling on her ear. It turned my stomach.

The actual rape rape -- not so harrowing. Ennio Morricone music in the background. Casualties of War is when DePalma started to really suck ass. (He is going to screw up the Untouchables prequel.)

Slave Rape in the Old Days
Whoa! I am not talking about any white on black rape. In fact, in the old days I'm talking about, it was pasty germanics and such who were slaves. HBO's Rome made it look saucy saucy. Alexander is for the true aficionado. Colin Farrell Rosario Dawson. I don't want to say rapes, as it is a conjugal/concubine thing. Let's say instead that she does not appear to want to have sex, but is physically forced to do so.

If they get into it halfway through, all the better. I guess "rape" in the past was pretty much just having sex with a wildcat.

Remember the rape scene?
Blade Runner?
He learns she's not human and figures it's license to throw down, yes or no yes. I guess "rape" in the future will be pretty much just having sex with a replicant.

Pretty Woman?
George Costanza as a rapist? (Julia Roberts as a street hooker?)

Matrix?
Getting held down and raped in the belly button. Better or worse than the butt?

Girl on Boy
Clint Eastwood was raped in the Rookie by Sonia Braga. Josh Hartnett was raped in 40 Days and 40 Nights. I have not seen either film, but a lot of people did, and no one got their pantyhose in a bunch. I'm sure some guys even got their spank on about it.

Negative One-Thousand Cool Points
Loser, with Jason Biggs as the titular tit, had a sub-plot involving his wacky roomates. It seems that they have been drugging and raping girls! It is treated like comedy -- like they are getting girls to slip on banana peels to peek up their skirts. I think at the end of Loser, Biggs gives the guys their own medicine, and they end up sleeping with fat girls! Oh no! Ha! Just desserts for the crime of drugging and raping women (cue deflating muted trumpet).
.

18 July, 2007

The new Brothers Coen movie might be okay.

.

I only crapped myself once watching these previews.

What's up with Pawn Shops?

.The Pawn Shop is as shady as a mangrove.
Why does a filthy 15-year old drill cost $80, twice as much as a new one at Sears? VHS tapes for $7? Even though you have 6 ratty cardboard boxes of them on the floor? I don't know what wafer-thin 14k gold medallions of the BVM are supposed to go for, but $129 still seems steep to me. And jewelry that has been personalized already? Unusual names etched permanently into metal. No reduction in price. Cell phones from back when they were called car phones? They got 'em. They don't need a competitive price because there's no competition. The car phone and beeper market is sewn up by pawn shops, so they'll charge what they please. Old Clarinets? Check. $300. Crapping you negative. Nice case, but no mouthpiece. Was it made by Ernesto Stradivarius?

You're supposed to talk them down.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe Jesse Ventura can talk the price down. I can barely convince them I was just curious about the whether the clarinet was $30 or $300. They were disgusted with either me, or their own sloppy handwriting, and I thought I should leave. There are always a BUNCH of people in the back.

What's with all the really big knives?
Are these knives really for field-dressing animals? Why is that a human skull on the holster then? These are stabbin' knives. That there is such an aftermarket for these things implies that there is a market for them. I guess it's cheaper than a pit bull, motorcycle, leather jacket, or tattoo. Don't tell the purchaser that these very same gothic knives are sold in renaissance fair catalogs alongside floopy velveteen hats for men and Harry Potter wands.

Figure it out about the Pawn Shops yet?
There was a video game place by the airport, except the people there hated it when kids came in to play the video games. Nothing would irritate them more. Have you ever been to a laundry where none of the machines worked? And no one ever went there, but it stayed around forever?

I guarantee you their balance sheets did not show heavy losses, as would normally be indicated by lack of patronage, but fat earnings from a legitimate extant cash-based business.

Pawn Shops deal in knives and guns. They have no interest in their own ridiculous inventory. They don't advertise and their personnel are ill equipped for sales. A bunch of people hang out in the back room doing nothing all day. Pawn Shops in Chicago and Milwaukee are gangster owned and shill operated to launder drug money, protected by corruption and apathy. Not that I care.

Where's all the stolen stuff crackhead burglars sell for crazy cheap?!
If I ever figure it out brother, I'll let you know.
.

09 July, 2007

Cable Tee-Vee

.
Ace of Cakes

The name is misleading. They should call it Ace of One Cake because they do the same cake every time. Sheets of fondant every damn episode. Getting a photo digitally printed on a sheet cake is just as creative.
.
Jean-Claude Fondant
"Oh no. Will we get this cake done on time?
It sure is crazy around here."
.
Fondant is what old ladies with no taste buds have for candy at their house. It is shapeable and cuttable and colorable, but it is inedible sugar wax, and you might just as well use Play-Doh. Anyway, you can't do the exact same thing every time. Can you? (Or have I unlocked the secret of television?)

The central doof has the shaveover (a combover moderne) and a pubic hair beard from 10 years ago, and the blah was-hipster cast makes me hunger only for whatever's on next.
Negative 100 cool points.

Bizarre Foods
For a guy whose job it is to eat bizarre food, this other bald fat guy on tee-vee sure doesn't like it much. He is always making a face when he eats something. I keep waiting for some local to tell him off when he insults the native cuisine. "Well excuse us for being poor you fat sack."
25 cool points.

Man vs. Wild
It's hard to get around the fact that the host, Bear Gryffindor, has a camera crew around him the whole time, and he could get a granola bar just by asking. His straining to emote despair aside, it is a fun ride. Plus quicksand has always scared me and now I know how to get out of it. Now I wish there was more of it in West Allis.
50 cool points.
.

I Wrote Some Limericks.

.
Nantucket
.
"There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it"
But they got the story wrong
Not about the dick being long
But I'm not from--I just live--in Nantucket.

There once was a hot young Laotian
Who drank a magical potion
He got double drilled
And then he got killed
That unfortunate Sinthasomphone

There was a sheep-herder named Jock
Who had an incredible flock
His sheep were most famousest
For their distended anuses
Wait--did I accidentally say flock?

And one for the kids...

There once was a Shaolin from Wudan
Whose kicks were incredibly good and
So when he got in a fray
He just ran away
(He wouldn't soil his nice Nikes for nothing).
.