LIE$!

.
Things I don't believe, in reverse order of importance.

I don't believe in weeping eggplant of its 'bitter' juices. It is poetic -- salt, bitter tears, and time -- but unnecessary. I used to until an easy experiment. My 'control' eggplant half tasted less salty, but there was no bitterness.

I don't believe in the two party system or even voting. I can't imagine standing in a line for the privilege of choosing between Roger Healey and Howard Borden.

I don't believe Facebook is worth a billion dollars. There are plenty of friendster-clones and there will be plenty more to come, and the thing about the internet is that it is free. You ain't monetizing jack.

I don't believe Halle Berry is black. Too much cream in the coffee. I don't go around telling people I'm Comanche. Angela Bassett would have made a much better Storm because she is black and physical instead of a scrawny pale runway stickwoman. Angela also acts, as opposed to HB's actressing.

Finally and most significantly, I don't believe the instructions on jumper cables. It sucks for girls, because they follow the instructions and then need a man to jump their cars for them. A penis is like a little Prometheus that tells you to see through the safety bullshit.

.Yes and no, Virginia...

.

I wrote a letter to Steve Wozniak.

.

Steve,

What? Wha-aat? The big red horse-face lady from tv? She's an icon for gays, but that just means she's horribly unattractive. Those sensitive queers and their pity laughs! No no no you're too smart. Sure, she's "funny," in a basic way. Like someone's cold sore is funny. But Kimmel's not balling ALL the decent-looking comediennes.

.

Kathy Griffin (post-surgery)

Get over whatever esteem blocks you're stumbling on and get with the BILLIONAIRE program. She's using your name and public image for bits on Larry King! You've embarrassed yourself enough. Drop her like something hot (pretend!) and tell all your friends it was a big goof. "I only let her blow me" is an unassailable excuse and has worked for some jams I've been in. You're welcome.
C'mon, Woz,
LK

.

My Interview with Neal Stephenson

.

Neal Stephenson, the writer, is gifted with an extraordinary mind that can parse complex social, historical, and technological currents and fuse them into engaging fiction. His intense intelligence has made him seem prickly in the interviews he seldom gives. But this particular evening at Magoo's in West Allis I met a completely different Neal Stephenson -- the Neal Stephenson I went to grade school with.

LK: Neal, do you realize you have the same name as a famous science-fiction writer?
NS: He doesn't spell it the same.
LK: I think he does.
NS: I never met anyone who spells it like us.
LK: Well...
NS: You want a shot? What shot?
LK: Whatever you're having. Have you ever heard of Second Life, Neal?
NS: Like heaven and hell? What the fuck? And call me Steve. You're the only fucking one that still calls me Neal.

I get the feeling Neal is uncomfortable talking about Second Life, just like the other Neal Stephenson.

LK: What do you think about William Gibson?
NS: Was he in our grade? Or was he in Rudy's class? You and Rudy used to do some fucked up shit, man. Those lights at the high school.
LK: That was Rudy, mostly.
NS and LK: Cheers.
NS: Dead dog in the Witliff's pool. That was you, motherfucker.
LK: Rudy said that? (NOTE: It wasn't a dead dog, it was a pig's head from the sausage factory.) Don't trust that crackhead. What do you think the future holds?
NS: Hey did you ever know Vita Breviscz -- she went to school with your sister? I'm fucking her tonight after she gets off work. She's still pretty hot. (NOTE: Vita was never hot.) Puss-ay!

Neal leans over to whisper something. His manner informs me he is about to say something with serious gravity. This is the moment I have been waiting for in this interview.

...You want some coke?

.

Weblogs and Websites I am in Direct Competition With

.

.

Knock-knock joke sites

Hamburger joke sites

DickJokes.com

Dirty riddles sites

The KKK Komedy Korner

Sites with pictures of naked ladies with crazy captions

Sites with videos of people getting hit in the balls or nuts

Animals "doing it" sites

My Liberal Wife blog

The Onion

"Guess what my cat did" sites

Bankruptcy humor sites

Dave Barry's PermanentMonday.com

Boo Ya!

.

1001 Insults, Put-Downs, and Comebacks book page on Amazon.com

Jackie "Da Joke Man" Martling sites

JewishRedneck.com

.

15 words and phrases that will bring you to my weblog if you perform an internet search for them.

...come to Loland.

Nudietron

Camelinguist

"scabid snatch"

elehumans

"Dave Thomas was a fascist"

"goddam replicants"

Der Unterhounden

"deflating muted trumpet"

"Clint Eastwood was raped"

"Oaxacan Phoenix"

"delectably inscrutable"

"stickle big"

Pringelfuhrer

knardless

"magic retarded angel"

The Appendix to my Oddly Prescient 1965 Sci-Fi Novella

.

Unfortunately, the manuscript, Moonmen on Mars in 2008 was lost. Jane, my secretary, turned on a desk fan and sent the only copy flying out the window over the Thames. I gave up my science fiction writing, married Jane, and have never looked back. I still have one of the appendices though. I keep it around to remind Jane and cop a guilt b.j. now and again.

Appendix V - Glossary

.

Inform-a-nerd - a home electronic device allowing the user to connect to vast information resources and other Inform-a-nerd users worldwide.

.

Nudietron - a convenient naked lady viewing attachment to the Inform-a-nerd that also sucks you off.

.

Talk-a-bit - A candy-bar shaped worldwide communication device that does not work under bridges.

.

Bonex brand Pud Butter - A creme that causes even old or gay men to have sex with their hideous wives.

.

Hoppity-Poppity - Music with heavy beats and spoken rhyming instead of singing, popular with children.

.

Moony-Moo - A small blond mental boy that, for some reason, is the world's #1 Hoppity-Poppity star.

.

PONG - A disease spread through buttsex or sometimes, but not as often, load-swallowing.

.

Yllis - A brand of H2O (water) in cans.

.

Aids - A helping game that is played on the television.

USTV (Ugly Sex TV) - TV that saves money by centering around the real sex problems of the non-telegenic. Major Adam Hiro and Tequila X-11b appear on the USTV program Hustle Stack.

.

World Hottening - A theory about how the globe is getting warmer.

.

Mr. Kan - mobile robot toilet/bidet.

Under a pseudonym, for obvious reasons.

.

I wrote some new racist epithets.

.

Are you sick of using the same old hate speech? Epithets lose their value over time. They are adopted by the persons they are meant to insult, and their power diminishes with continued contextual use. New, original slurs will keep us all on our toes. A new epithet is like a recreational drug that is just introduced, before any legislation is passed on it. You can use them in polite company and everyone squirms but no one can say anything. It is delightful to be an obnoxious bastard.

Italians - When was the last time you heard anyone say awful things about Italians? Too long. Are they still wearing gold chains and speedos? How about Speedos.

Jews - I don't know how they got that rap for being cheap. Most of the Jews I know are kind of spendy. Have you been to an upscale mall lately? It's like being in Tel Aviv. Let's call them Spendos. I think they'll hate it!

Irish - They don't just eat potatoes, they look like them. Taters. It'll bounce right off their prognathic brows, but whatever. People with a little bit of Irish in them are Spudbloods.

Whites - Racists. They probably are, too. Racist is the worst epithet for anyone and it only applies to white people. If they are off-the-reservation racist, then calling them racist will be a badge of honor. Call them part black. That dog'll hunt!

Blacks - The n-word still works to offend n-worders, but talk about played. Just calling them The Blacks can be pretty offensive, if you get your stresses just right, overpronounce, and cock your head a tiny fraction of a inch.

Hispanics - I call them all Latinas, feigning ignorance. If you hang out with some Hispanics it is real easy to offend them. Muy sensitivo! Call Mexico New Mexico. If they are from Central or South America, jumble the countries. Tell them you've been to their country and describe another country. Describe Cambodia. Mention his country's backwards natives. Mention the tripe-eating. Hispanics are an obnoxious bastard's gold mine.

Polish - Polak is a Polish word meaning "Polish man." Polock is the shabbiest epithet ever. Like misspelling is mean. Who came up with that, the goddam Polish? Since they are all named "ski" let us call them "Skeeds." Plus it sounds kind of dirtball, like some dishwater blond kid in high-tops selling big bags of low-quality doobage in an alley off Kinnickinnic.

Muslims - Another fat target, but simple cracks like Qu'ranberries, Camelinguists, Ragtops, Turbanados, all miss the fragile beauty of their victim. Tragically, these people love their religion -- so much that they will tell you all about it if you ask them. Ask all nice and civilized for a while, get them relaxed, then bring out the guns, 9/11 etc. and watch them go ashen. Quid pro quo.

Germans - Potsies. 'Nuff said.

Chinese - Mao Maos

Japanese - Nippos. I didn't change it much. They think they're so superior it couldn't matter less. Japan calls itself Nippon. They don't correct us when we say Japan because they don't care what goes on in our gai-jin pea brains.

Filipinos - Peeners. This one is particularly fun to say.

Vietnamese - Fish Sauce Schleps. Say it 3 times fast to someone from Viet Nam.

I thought I'd have a lot more but racism really takes it out of me.

.

The Weblog Awards

.
.
.
.

The Guy from Wings.
No, not Monk, the other guy from Wings. Not the one that was in Sopranos, either -- the other other guy from Wings. I didn't see Sideways, but I think that's the Sandman from Spiderman and it's not him either. I am talking about the other other other guy from Wings.
Anyone want to hear what that guy thinks about the President?
The Huffington Post also has posts by a lot of varied webloggers -- just starting with the A's -- Marc Abraham, Rebecca Abrahams, Paul Abrams, Larry Abrams, Sasha Abramsky... I could go on and on.

Perez Hilton
He used to say awful thing after awful thing about Paris Hilton, then they started hanging out? He's a modern Cinderella. If Cinders said horrible things about the Prince in her blog before they got to the ball, but when they met at the ball Cinders got all glassy eyed. So This Is Love? started going through her fat head and she was never able to blog about the Prince's filthy, scabid snatch or well-cornholed ass again. So now he's boring. The end.
I don't sweat it because I can still get my dish on. Popoholic, hollywoodtuna, justjared, superficial, socialite's, razzy, etc. They are all pretty much the same:
Kim Kardashian and Maria Menounous are pretty?
Hollywood actors may be homosexual?
You don't say?

Ernesto Kottke
You never forget the first weblog you regularly check. I had this guy on my toolbar. Forever! And he just dropped off the face of the E-arth. He had a kid, but I thought his first post-baby post was going to make his blog the best blog ever.
iPhone, Wiimote, or newborn baby: which has the best built-in accelerometer?
I was hoping he would turn into some liveblogging B. F. Skinner, but no.
Now at least I am a better weblogger on all days in which he doesn't blog and I do, which is a lot of days recently.

Bonus: I really thought I liked NewsRadio. Compared to the people who wrote this website I hated it. I enjoyed the damning article explaining, as best it could, why the network idiots never gave it a chance.

Wikipedia Editing Scandal Continues

.

Pringlegate Diary, day 90.

Previous Pringlegate posts: - day 1 - - - - day 27-

I feel good that I have pwnd* a race 'bater and gotten him off Wikipedia for the time being. Plus he will be happier going off to bund meetings instead of editing.

Go ahead and check out my contribs to the Wik. I think by searching a person's entry contributions, one could easily assess the cut of their gib. I have too few entries for an accurate assessment. Too few nodes, as William Gibson might write. That's good. Some people leave their grubby keyprints all over because even tiny claims to fame are few and far between.

In this world, some people have a calling to plant semicolons between every word and twice between clauses. And some people have blood that boils when they hear someone whisper "semicolon." When these people try to pwn* each other in the Wikipedia community they are having a great time or at least they are into it. "Semicolon" can stand in for whatever you're on about -- the Pope, Gay Porno stars, Republocrats, the Falklands, or whatever.

Just don't mess with Pringles. I will tear your asshole a new asshole! Or perhaps probably I will just pwn* you with a message on your ip address page -- something somewhat scathingly direct and terse!

*pwn

This word is Welsh and not Nerd. I have been using it my whole life. It is pronounced like "poon" and I have no idea why computer users are using it now. In Welsh it means to make someone a nerd. Computer users using it is a lot like n-worders using the n-word.

.

I wrote a letter to R. Kelly.

.

Bob,

I have no faith in the legal system or Chicago. Cook County is as crooked as origami birds. You will probably get off. People will show up on the tv trying to explain it, how the baroque time-honored process of law dropped an easy one again, even with a videotape. Laws simply don't apply to a person of your stature.

And speaking of videotaping peeing on teenaged girls, what's with that? What are you, German? Save it for the Friedrichstraße, Gunter. You're quadrupling up on your perversions. Pick ONE, if that. And don't pick "destroying the fragile minds of adolescents" please. "Crushing the trust native to the sweet, simple souls of young women" should also not be considered a keeper, you regusting eel. Being urinated on is unenjoyable, especially for rosy-cheeked teens who have not had time to develop the angst that engenders sick quirks, but thanks for helping.

Did you piss on Aalyiah when she was fifteen and you married her? Robert Harmenszoon Kelly! Is your new single going to be "Pissed on an Angel?" You might as well hit the Pieta with a hammer, you awful man.

You broke my heart! I was a big fan. I thought all that creepy stuff you sing about was just for a goof. For a goof! And then I find out about the fifteen-year olds and fourteen year olds. You may say that Age Ain't Nothing But a Number but I say that Age IS Nothing But a Number. I really do think you should go to jail -- maybe a nice five-year sentence. Out in two! That way I can forgive you and start listening to your songs again, and I can stop listening to Lloyd. Plus when you come out you'll have all sorts of new tattoos and a new religion and even more troubling deviances. Won't that all be fun?

Love,
Loland

That pederast R. Kelly

.