If I Was Stranded on an Island and Could Only Bring Four Recipes...

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Coconut Surprise

Sandy's Cream of Coconut Soup

Seawater Pot Pies

Gangrenous Foot Salad

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100 Formerly Private Secret Shames of Loland Kapuchinski (redacted version)

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1. REDACTED
   



2. REDACTED
   



3. REDACTED
   



4. Cold sores that make policemen ask “Are you alright, sir?”
   



5. REDACTED
   



6. Bushy chest hair trimmed so it looks like I have pectoral muscles under tee shirt
   



7. REDACTED
   



8. REDACTED
   



9. REDACTED
   



10. REDACTED
    



11. REDACTED
    



12. Nancy Sinatra Syndrome
    



13. REDACTED
    



14. Manifold appreciation for the female form
    



15. Allergies
    



16. Not actually allergic to anything, just crying
    



17. REDACTED
    



18. Fountain soda syrup-to-soda mix ratio judgmentalism causing friction between me and Tania, the local gas station attendant.
    



19. REDACTED
    



20. Motorcycle into pool -- not good for either. I thought it would be like peanut butter and chocolate
    



21. REDACTED
    



22. PORTION REDACTED …but in my defense, she was super ugly
    



23. Saving the world, one me at a time



24. REDACTED
    



25. Proud of being excellent sandwich delivery boy
    



26. Fake lower voice still quite high
    



27. Seen PORTION REDACTED four times already this year
    



28. Pooped the bed at camp
    



29. As often as I was able
    



30. REDACTED
    



31. REDACTED
    



32. Tattoo half-done for eight years. I kept falling asleep. Apparently this Vegas scumbag tattoo institution a $75 dollar cab ride away from the Flaming O has some code of tattoo scumbag junkie ethics that says you can’t tattoo someone who is enjoying a well-earned nap after winning $1100. After all, why would I want to sleep through someone coloring my flesh with a vibrating needle? And these scammer druggies wanted to charge us $300 an hour for the time we spent asleep on two of their many chairs. PORTION REDACTED So it says “Mot” and I think I like it that way, because Mom actually hated tattoos.
    



33. Vermouth drinker
    



34. "Sympathetic pregnancy pains" just vermouth sick
    



35. REDACTED
    



36. REDACTED
    



37. REDACTED
    



38. Hate U2
    



39. REDACTED
    



40. Into radio rap
    



41. REDACTED
    



42. REDACTED
    



43. Easily startled
    



44. REDACTED
    



45. REDACTED
    



46. REDACTED
    



47. Know too many Rush lyrics
    



48. Mind is not for rent
    



49. REDACTED
    



50. They don’t call me “Kid Genius” as much anymore .
    



51. REDACTED
    



52. “Plumber’s elbow” actually “tennis elbow”
    



53. “Tennis elbow” actually from pulling it
    



54. “Third nipple” actually huge disgusting mole
    



55. REDACTED
    



56. Pee-hole in penis seems to be frowning. Frowning when I look at it. If you were facing it, it would look to be smiling, but no one faces it.
    



57. REDACTED
    



58. I used to rap about bowel movements and chewing tobacco with a kid from Immaculate Conception named Pat Flynn, who had no rap name other than Pat Flynn. This is from a rap about using the bathroom, “Bowl Rocker.” “I like to loop it. I eat it then I poop it. When I’m on the mic I get stupid. You poop. I poop. We poop-ed.”
    



59. Pat Flynn and I lost a talent show to good-looking lip-syncers, sisters who also did magic tricks, tarnishing the music industry permanently for us.
    



60. REDACTED
    



61. Ninety-eight year old grandma leaves me a message -- it took me two weeks to even listen -- I don’t sweat it because that bitch will live to a thousand.
    



62. Mock ghetto
    



63. Faux French
    



64. Der baddener German
    



65. REDACTED
    



66. REDACTED
    



67. REDACTED
    



68. Hands soft as lilies
    



69. Decreasing appreciation for my affected, arty penmanship in digital society
    



70. Worst analgrams ever
    



71. Anagrams even worse
    



72. Hundreds of exactly halfway finished palindromes
    



73. REDACTED
    



74. Xanadu, man. He roller skated right into that wall. That's love!
    



75. REDACTED
    



76. REDACTED
    



77. REDACTED
    



78. Onion did not use my story idea “Kansas Schools to Begin Teaching Deckard Was Not a Replicant.”
    



79. Still haven’t decided on weblog name
    



80. What month is this? And the year? Help me out on the day while you’re at it. Then I haven’t missed it! Oh, I did miss it? I missed it.
    



81. I have never learned Grace, the prayer Catholics say before dinner, or I guess eating, but not breakfast. I never learned Grace because we say it together. I don’t even know how it starts. But my being a lousy Catholic is a whole different breast-beating six-volume list of shames in and of itself.
    



82. Hummingbirds and jaguars (I’m still listening to the Frente! album!)
    



83. West Texas, then West Allis have bemulleted my person. While my actual hair appears normal, there is a perceptible “shadow mullet” hanging over me.
    



84. Summer sausage and sardines in mustard? Pumpernickel pickle-lily cucumber sandwiches? Commit to a comic diet, why don’t you?
    



85. Nicknamed roomate's girlfriend with messed-up hand “J.T.”
    



86. REDACTED
    



87. REDACTED
    



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89. REDACTED
    



90. REDACTED
    



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99. REDACTED

Phoning the end in...

Who am I kidding? Not one thing on this list brings me down one notch. I am the notch. As same as I ever was. I will remain the quiet storm, while you are just posing like a fronter. Smell my ass at your leisure, fronter.

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Slogans for Cities in Wisconsin

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Milwaukee

Your town's clock tower is pathetic.

Kenosha
Next three exits!

Slinger
Still callin' margarine oleo.

Egg Harbor
Get your FIBs out!

La Crosse
The city, not the super lame sport.

Wyalusing
Wyalusing is for lovers.

West Salem
Home of Harlin Garland's Home.

Janesville
We got a Mills Fleet Farm and a Blain's Farm and Fleet. Beat that New York City!

Sparta
This is Sparta, WI!!!

Cedarburg
Cedarburg: Where you're the black person!

Spring Green
The Green Apple

Minocqua
If you like rustic, try Minocqua! Everybody works at the mill and we're all using the old twenty dollar bills and drinking malted milk. There's no place to find condoms. Our Blockbuster is mostly tapes. We've still got a problem with drunk Indians on Main Street! It's the Yahtzee on sixes of rustic.

Cudahy
Dress casual!

Racine
Better than, or as good as, Kenosha.

Mazomanie
Home of the ugliest nude beach on the planet. Yikes!

Ashwaubenon
Hi-Class!

West Allis
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

When I was in high school I thought there was an actual place near Fox Point called "Locke's Point." I couldn't work it into a slogan.

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I Wrote Some Limericks in a Bad Mood

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Nantucket

There once was a young man named Charles
Who cried as he stood on the gallows
He fell with a thwack
It all went black
And he made a sound like Charo.


There was a man who left his scabies untreated.
It got so gross that he couldn't beat it.
Quoth he "I'm not a looney Lou,
I got these at Harvard U.
Natalie Portman could've had these sweet nits!"


There was a man who feared falling the worst
Because he lived a life so cursed
He slipped when it was raining and pouring
Off the Chrysler Building's dirigible mooring
Onto a pointy-helmeted German tourist


There was my high school girl and wow.
She hasn't lost a step and how.
Her geezer wears mock turtlenecks
And drives a Porsche and they have sex?
(She's renting out her vagina now.)


There was a young lady with a body like a sack
But I think I'll still try to take a crack
If she's got at least one breast
Then she's passed my one test
God's gift to fat chicks is back!


There remains a gal from Nantucket
Who poops in my cock-shaped nuggets
During the ass sex
I read her the classics
As for her one boob, I juggles it


There once was kind of a racist
Who hated the look on their faces,
"I want to kick in
their lazy grins
Right through their Shamrock Shakes."


There was a Limericist whose job was cushy
Though his meter and grammar were mussy
He got as rich as the Buddha
Writing Limericks that were screwed-up
With rhymes as slant as Chinese pussy


There was a woman named Oprah
Who could have run for Pope-rah
But she had to kick G. I. Joe's ass
With a hood/mask
As Commander of the C.O.B.R.A.


I feel better now. God bless Ernesto Limericks!

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DVDS I Have Not Liked Recently

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The Onion Movie/DVD

It's a car crash you can't turn your head away from, but then you see a busted-up baby seat and you turn your head away, but then you want to see if the baby was thrown clear so you look back, and then you see that the crash has killed a cheerleader, and thrown her sweater off and she was wearing a purple bra, so you pull out your penis and start to masturbate, but then you realize your whole family is in the car, and you turn back away from the crash site to see if your family has noticed and they have. And that's just the first fifteen minutes!
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What's up with my "Specialty" kisses?

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Wouldn’t you like to know? Well, okay.

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What are you, holding a book? You've got use your hands, your arms, your body. Amateur!

The Tough but Tender
This is the one where I grab my wife’s body and slam it against my own, but right before I plant her one, I slow down, giving her just one tiny peck on her top lip, soft and gentle as moonbeams.

Butter P
I sneak around her from behind and hum with my mouth on her jugular, humming using more and more nasal cavity, to transfer the more and more vibration to her neck. I flourish it with butterfly kisses on the chin and jaw, but it‘s not the main event. The name Butter P comes from a dead cat. This is another one for when she is not in the mood.

Red Alert
This is the one where I whip my shirt off while going in for the first kiss, so there’s no confusion. There is nothing worse than a confused woman. With Red Alert, I treat the whole thing like it’s my birthday, there’s a lot of slobber at first but the bedclothes don’t even get damp, and pretty soon everything is fine in my head again, and then she’s talking about her day, or whatever she talks about.

Jazz
The one where I brush a strand of hair from her brow, cup her sun-dappled jowl, look lovingly into her eyes, then trumpet farting noises on her chubby cheeks until she is able to buck me off.

The old Rope-a-Dope
Where I fall on the couch with her on top. If you’re on the bottom, you still have to pull them closer and tighter. This avoids any “Am I crushing you?” response, ‘cause if she gets that into her head you might not pull this deal off. She thinks she is kissing me with this one. I say “You’re frisky today” and it comes off like it was all her idea.

Jane!
I say Jane! really loud like I have something super important to say, but then I just kiss her, Jane, and that is the super important thing.

El Que
Unsneaking a kiss. The one where I turn my face in the same direction when she starts up a kiss, so she has to weave and bob so our noses don‘t bump. She usually doesn’t have to do any work. I am the kisser here. And then I actively try to block her nose with my nose. This kiss is good for being passive-aggressive.

Secret CIA kisses
Public displays of affection are not permitted in my culture, so in a bar or on the softball field or in the presence of children, I go in for what looks like a whisper, but just kissy blow in her ear instead, with kind of a pusst pusst pusst. And then we laugh, making it look like just a joke.

Snaggles
Nipping at her earlobe with my chipped tooth. This is not very erotic for her or me but is good for waking her up.

Spindrift
This involves spinning her around before a kiss. Turning her around is ostensibly for getting a 360 degree view of her. She likes the idea of me checking out her ass and this or that outfit. But it’s more about the spinning, which always feels a little like love. Easy on this one, good kisses are dizzying enough. Don’t try this before or right after Tough but Tender. It will look foolish, and could be potentially damaging to the lady.

Daddy
Daddy is just a hug, but it is the tightest, most full-body hug I offer. I keep my hands open because it increases the hug coverage along with using my head and shoulders to really press that hug in there. Guaranteed to make her feel like a tiny little girl. It is very similar to my hug Hold On! but the cheeks are not touching, no Eskimo kisses, and no hand in the back pocket. This is for when she needs a safe, serious hug.

Some people don‘t name their kisses, but in order to know something you have to call it a name, like how Thor named his hammer or wrestlers name their suplexes. I’m not even telling you some of my more special kisses, like Apollo or Viper, as you will just knock your own wife’s dirty socks off without giving Loland the credit. It’s not really about kisses though, it’s about the sincerity.

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10 Things Kids Could Do Instead of Smoking.

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There’s so many things kids could be doing besides smoking!

Kids could be:

Chucking shit at a beehive.

Rhyming using swear words.

Perfecting a new two-handed masturbation technique.

Drinking codeine cough syrup and standing in the exact middle of the park.

Skipping stones. It’s not gay if you’re really good at it. You don't have to skip there or anything.

Going on a homeless watching expedition.

Catching moths and feeding them to Chad’s gerbil Chuckle Chomps.

Discussing the latest Hustler.

Performing pudding-cupilingus.

Checking the factory dumpsters for sharp metal rubbish resembling throwing stars.

Bothering the garbage men. Cripes, I wanted to be a garbage man!

You know what? Fuck it. Kids should smoke.

Kapuchinski Family Heraldic Items

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The more esteemed and historical the family, the more complex the coat-of-arms chosen to represent it. My family crest is impressive, having been borne in a long line of Crusaders, Philosopher-Kings, Barrel Magnates, plus the regular Sluts and Ball Hogs.

Family motto: Ecce! which is Latin for “Hey you!”

The Falcon Rampart upon a golden egg - the falcon represents skills, the egg, bills.

The man-bear fighting a jackelope - obvious meaning.

Background field of what I think are blue bennys.

Exterior Ornament: A very hairy baby.

A purple tent, because we’re in tents like that.

10 barrels. Why so many barrels? My family was into barrels. Having a barrel was like owning a car back then. Having 10 barrels was like owning a fricking spaceship.

My all-in-one scanner has recently been demoted from 4-function to 2-function, so I can't show you it now, but I will update this post. Do you want a fax?

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Powers Received After Being Bitten by a Radioactive Hawkwind:

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Major Powers:

The Power Hawkwind = The power to grow any moustache instantaneously.

The Power Hawkspace = Teleportation through space, but only from Stonehenge to the Hammersmith Odeon and back.

The Power Huw = The power to summon The Hawkfriends (including Klaatu and those who have been bitten by the Wereslade).

The Power Celestial = The power to completely control, with the mind, all the functions of cellular phones with a Hawkwind ringtone.

Minor Powers:

Instinctive knowledge of how to fly any intergalactic space vessel.

Regrowing bush on shnaved schnizz instantaneously.

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Things I had difficulty saying at Summerfest.

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"Sisyphusian"

"Thistle"

"Familiar"

"Sorry, Officer."

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15 Slogans for Drugs

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When Obama legalizes all the drugs the advertisers will need some slogans and copy. I am getting a head start on Madison Avenue.

Witey Crack - If you find fresher, more-high-grade crack, buy it.

Margen-Pfalter Druggists Association - A century of fine German crack.

Golden Farm Ganja - Straight from nature, sun-grown golden dank. Father (opening baggy): "Can you smell the sun, Jessie?" Daughter: "I can daddy. I can!"

Papi G. Black Tar - You looking to get fucked up, esé? Now there's no need to get shot buying the good shit. Don't be a sucka! Ask for Papi G.

Trump Executive Cut Heroin - High rollers know.

Morning Glory Cocaine - The light cocaine, for mornings.

Maxxx Kief - Special Panty-Peeler Blend - Let's get these girls stoned!

Karl of Paris Angel Dust - Time to find your wings!

Jay's Jays - Commercial: An eskimo lady licks a joint wrapper, leaving a lot of brown saliva, and giving the joint to a nervous couple. Later, at a party for pot smokers, the other pot smokers are disgusted by the slimy joint and the couple are embarrassed. Voice-over: Tired of eskimo slime?! Get your self a baggy of Jay's Jays. No eskimos!

Avicenna Pure Indian Morphine - The doctors' choice. "Four out of five doctors who shoot up agree..."

Arthur LSD Drops - Have you ever really seen your hand?

Pennington Row Crack - Oy Guvernor! Just look for the happy crack baby!

Ben Franklin DMT, The N,N Dimethyltryptamine - An infinity of energy patterns that expresses and explains itself with thought streams both visual and logical. "Seriously dude, try Ben Franklin's."

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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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A Defense of The Happening

You are all pedantic movie-hating babies. Especially you. I think you are too chicken to suspend your disbelief and open your heart for this corny creepout. You may be looking to knock the king of corny creepouts down a peg or two, but you'll have to wait for it. Marvin Night Shyamalan delivers the goods intact yet again. The Happening is moody and moony, but maintains a level of spooked-out fun as the characters wade through the difficulties of an arcane toxic event. The two protagonists have the small problems in their relationship rendered humorously insignificant by what's happening around them, and love gives them the strength to persevere.

Mark Wahlberg is not Gary Oldman or even Gary Burghoff, but he can definitely add a creaky quiver to his voice. He delivers in the topical intro scene as the high school science teacher who gives a damn and tries to get the kids involved. (It's also good to see the attempt to drop a little science in an increasingly ignorant Hollywood.) Later, Wahlberg's crying is believable. He's Marky Mark and he's here to move you.

People have to die in horror films, otherwise they would stop being being cool and start being as gay as your old grandma. There are expendable characters and Hispanic-American working actor John Leguizamo chose to play one of those roles. What's wrong with that, you tinhorn high-horse cultural fascists? Minorities should appear in films set in the modern United States.

Zooey Deschanel's comely looks are mentioned frequently as high points of the film, but this is sexist objectification. No one seemed to notice she looked really tense throughout the movie. Good acting has limited noticeability.

It doesn't need to be spelled out in boldface.
People need exposition more and more, but that's what kills movies for me. The people who write these things aren't smart enough to hack out realistic-sounding science riffs. Shyamalan gives multiple theories from unreliable sources and never nails it down for us 100%. In the denouement some talking head on a diegetic tv news program exposits "We'll never fully understand it." That's fine with me because it is a movie.

How to watch a movie.
I'm never the one pushing up my glasses, sucking the spit from the sides of my mouth, and asking "Doesn't it seem unlikely those dragons can fly with such massive bodies and such small wings?" because I know that a dragon's bones are hollow like birds' and their muscle fibers are made out of tubes of gas, and they make use of a lot of convection currents and the dragon's stomach functions like a hot air balloon and they are also incredible jumpers, which adds to the flight. Look, I've got a box of no-prizes gathering dust in the back hallway testifying to a personal commitment to being entertained in spite of illogic. I'm not a slacker. I'm doing the work. I'm actively imagining a world in which it can all take place, not railing against how an imaginary world differs from my own.

I liked it.
Marky sings a selection from Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" to convince some shotgun-wielding goober he's not zombified. The little girl they are saving is as cute as three baby bunnies. Marky and Zooey love each other. Nerd as hero. Trees as enemies? Through the confusion, love conquers all... or does it?! Anyway, I liked it.

(It's not without its faults.)
Ferinstance: There is this scene where a lady gets a video zapped to her phone of lions ripping a zookeeper's arms off and it's a real cheapie piece of work. I think they decided not to de-res it -- to make it look like a shaky, blocky realistic cellphone video -- because it's an Iphone product placement. And the bloody neurotoxin victim waddling sleepily around the lion enclosure looks a lot like Chris Elliot doing his Marlon Brando 'banana dance' to 'Alley Cat.'

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