Here are the short jokey movie reviews!

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Meet the Browns
Tyler Perry continues his one-man war on cleverness.
German Name: Andere Schwarzenfilme!

Jumper
I won't criticize Hayden's performance as I think he is recovering from a stroke or something.
German Name: Nicht Genügend Der Hotty

10,000 BC
More mammoths please! If you can't do more mammoths, then less movie, please.
German Name: Nicht Genügend Der Hotty II

The Hitman
Some of this movie is ridiculous!

Horton Hears a Who!
Seuss movie without hideous frightmasks, but with more padding than a down comforter.
German Name: Der CGI Elefant

There Will be Blood
It was good until I fell asleep. Sorry, Dan! It's okay though: I dreamed I was watching a new Deadwood episode.

Juno
She's pretty fully-realized and eloquent for a teenage slut.
German Name: Jew? No!

Darjeeling Limited
Would make a beautiful silent film.

Leatherheads
Gayer than you'd think.

Drillbit Taylor
Which plays better in the media, a drug overdose or a suicide attempt?
German Name: Superschlechte

Stop-Loss
Daring performances that still blow.
German Name: Wir Toldusoe

21
So the protagnerd loses his V-card to Kate "rocket scientist" Bosworth, but then the dramatic crux of this movie occurs when his fat friends kick him off their science team. ?!
German Name: Schwarzejack

The Mist
Nothing scarier than a mist!
German name: Der Leitrainen

I Am Legend
Fresh Prince wisecracks his way through what is really a love poem to New York City. Love ya Big Apple!
German Name: Ich Bein Ein Jetsfaan

Beowulf
You can see Angelina Jolie's crimp!
German Name: Der CGI Krimpen

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Conventional wisdom suggests the dumber a movie is, the more appropriate it is for children. ?!
German name: Wunterplatz Herr Kunterslatz

Fred Claus
This is the kind of Christmas movie Jews make. Stick to the Holocaust flicks!
German name: Weihnacht Haben Ludacris Ein Zwerg?

The Bank Job
Nothing more boring than a true story.

The Golden Compass
We only get a third of a dance with the cool special effects. The rest is just a big cold meander. What would my animal spirit be if I had one? It would probably be something uncool, like a regular cat with a bunch of eye-boogers or a chicken. Everybody would be hanging out with their tigers and falcons and I'd come in and they'd say "Hey look, it's Loland and his chicken." And the chicken would have a French accent, too. Even if there was magic, life would still be the same.

No Country for Old Men
Good, except old men actually love country.
German name: Blut Simplen

National Treasure: Book of Secrets
No Rock II? No Face/Off II? No 9mm? This is the one?

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alternate Title: From Sarcastic Skateboarder to Scientologist Schlockmeister: The Jason Lee Story

The Bucket List
I would rather listen to the guy upstairs beat his dog than see this film. It's actually pretty funny because it's a little dog and he is an old man and he has to chase it to hit it.

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I Wrote Some Dirty Emoticons

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Filthy emoticons for racists, drug-users, and Frenchmen. 'Nuff said!

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Novelty Top VII!

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Novelty Top VI!

If Lyle Alzado had tits, they'd look just like Tara Reid's.

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Novelty Top V!

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Novelty Top IV!

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Novelty Top III!

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I wrote 25 heretofore unheard-of ways to say "penis."

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Only the most fecund mind can make a new footprint here.

• Urethral Hat & Coat
• Me Cockenberries
• Indian name: "The-salmon-who-jumps-through-the-bear"
• Pants Hog (double meaning) (counting it twice)
• Pink Pendulum
• Ladies' Tongue Massager
• Alt Schwach und Schlaff
• Man's Best Dick
• The Bell That Never Rings
• The Vein, Main
• The Rude Tube
• The Grand Gland
• The Meat near my Feet
• A "Freeness"
• Udder of One
  
• Bifurcation-by-the-Balls, NY
• Homosexuality-Proving Instrument #3
• Pale Rider
• Itchy Hormel
• Unvagina
• Ballpeener
• Internet Malware Activation Device
• Old Mundungus
• My Fellas
• Dr. Shrinker
• Prince Albertless
• The Tumescenator
• The Little Man with the Lost Hat

What's up with Hayden Christensen?

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Sure, he's dreamy, but he can barely speak. He couldn't act his way through soaking wet toilet paper. He's really really bad. Keanu bad. They shouldn't have let Keanu ruin all the movies he ruined. He's a blight. They should have stopped him after Dracula. They should have stopped him when they found out that "Keanu" was a Hawaiian word meaning "wooden." Hayden and Keanu are ruiners of movies. Ruiners!

I'm trying to get into the story while watching Jumper. I'm not a slacker. I'm doing the work! But every time this Hayden comes on screen, me and my suspension of disbelief get thrown right off the rail. He just mouths his lines with a thousand yard stare, like a kid reading a report to the class. I can't stop thinking "What the hell is going on with the people who make these movies that they can't see how bad he is?" Teleportation! And I can't even get into it.

He is too disrupting to the fourth wall, even a fourth wall as solid as science fiction's. Put him in the chick flicks. An audience of ladies would be too busy thinking about breaking off a piece of his man-candy to mind his monotone delivery and the glassiest of stares.

William Gibson wrote Johnny Mnemonic, which featured Keanu Reeves as a man with no human emotions, or something. Gibson's next work to be filmed, Neuromancer, will star Hayden Christensen. Why doesn't William Gibson get some sort of rider on his next big movie contract that they have to hire a legitimate actor and not some boy toy with dead eyes?

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Rachel Bilson isn't very good either,
but I'm going to go ahead and give her a pass.
You go, RB!

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Can you catch? Do you have HBO? Will you be my friend?

I threw a Snicker bar to my friend in a hammock once. Good throw. Good catch. Good friend. I used to ask "Can you catch?" as a kind of cultural watershed. If the response was "Why can't you just bring it to me?" then they were dead to me, a waste of my precious time.

Now I ask "Do you like The Wire?" You can tell me you only watch real things like reality shows or that The Wire is on the same time as The Reese Preeber Hour, and then that will be it.

The difference between The Wire and anything else on television is like the difference between my fist and your mom's fat ass. The difference between Baltimore and Maryland.

What is especially jarring is the non-token role of blacks. No wisecracking butlers, no sassy mamas, no wise old gelded black men. Television, beblacked yet unWayansed. Multi-faceted roles, Africa-black actors. Should that be jarring? It is frigging insane, for television.

20 Critiques of Critique of Pure Reason

Immanuel Kant
après Perèz

Man oh man did I just read a stinker of a book.
Let me kick a little a posteriori.

Reading this book is as interesting as watching an old man think.

Not as funny a book as The False Subtlety of the Four Syllogistic Figures. Which was not even that funny.

800 pages?! You really had something to prove. What, did David Hume nail your high school girlfriend or something?

When I read about time and space, I want to read about some sort of clever villain too, not just the timeliness of time and how spacey space is.

Use of the word 'sensuous' should be reserved for describing titty, not epistemology.

He seemed to be 'phoning it in' when he gets to the part about pure reason as the seat of transcendental illusory appearance. You can tell because it goes from super-boring to so mega-boring you'd need Ludovico lidlocks to keep your glazzies open.

Intuitions without ideas are blind, and ideas without intuitions are empty? Yeah? Tell that to my wife!

"Die Philosophen haben die Welt nur verschieden interpretiert; es kömmt drauf an, sie zu verändern." I won't translate it because it doesn't have umlauts that way.

'Apperception?' I think he made that word up. I think he makes a lot of these words up, except it was so long ago that now dictionaries have these words.

He deconstructs faith to where it can only exist as simple, practical necessity, but he still rigidly believes in God. Well aren't you Practical Pig?

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.

Draw out the six Kantian object terms and their relationships and what do you have? A Star of David. I'm just sayin'!

They designed a special 1-legged stool for people who watched dynamite mixing machinery so they wouldn't nod off, not catch the mixer going haywire, and get blowed up. Why not include a stool like this with the book? Maybe a helmet too, just in case.

Hey, Kant, I've got a schema for you. Next time write a book that doesn't stink!

In all fairness, I always keep a copy of Critique of Pure Reason around so if a robber breaks in I can crush his skull, either with the book or by reading him a few selections.

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What's Up with Demolition Man?

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Mellow Greetings!
Demolition Man may be a spongy grey turd of a movie but it was often on cable during a particularly rainy summer and wormed its way into my head. It remains there still. I read Crying of Lot 49 that summer too, but I have no recollection of anything about it.


Most importantly the Demolition Man pinball game is the best pinball game to have ever been made. I would not say that lightly. No drains, heavy enough to accept a nudge, a pageant of pinball gimmickry, and loud as a damn bomb. Not to mention Wesley Snipes involved himself in its production -- rejecting the original artwork -- which he thought him look mean. Imagine!

When did cryo-technology start in the world of John Spartan, the Demolition Man? 1996! Three years after the movie was filmed. It is ten plus years later and we have still not even started to freeze rogue cops or super criminals.

T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?
Little Girl: Fuck you, lady!

Sylvester says the word 'taco' with this inflection like the first syllable is a question. He has to say 'Taco Bell' twenty times but gets ALL the stresses wrong, showing himself to be not just a wretched acting talent, but an incompetent mimic of the human species.

When he has electronic intercourse with Sandra Bullock,
Sylvester's facial contortions exemplify his acting style.
He is devoid of the self-awareness that would ordinarily define an actor.

Jack Black was in D-Man! I didn't know that until I started my deep-ass research for this weblog entry. He was also in the 'skater' movie Airborne with Seth Green the same year. I learned that Seth Green, in order to get into the part he played in Airborne, 'Wiley,' insisted on being called 'Wiley' at all times, both on and off the set.

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