The Twelve Drinks of Christmas

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Here are some non-alcoholic beverages to enjoy the holiday season a little more responsibly with, if you are into that sort of thing.

12. The Lords A' Leaping
Put raisins in a glass of Sprite. Amaze the grandkids with how the raisins rise and fall with the bubbles, just like the Lords A' Leaping from the movie. Works 100 times better with Champagne but don't use Champagne, drunky.

11. The Triple Fizz
2 tablets fizzy stomach medicine (lemon), 2 fizzy arthritis tablets (lemon), 1 fizzy nutritional supplement package (raspberry). Enjoy the fizzing -- it's as exciting as this drink gets.

10. The Bojangles
Just like a Shirley Temple but add bitters and Worcestershire sauce until black. It's pretty tough to drink for having no booze.

9. The Holly-Berry
Same as 10 except add 1/4 the bitters and Worcestershire. Garnish with way too much praise.

8. The Sea Crest
Take a glass of milk and gayen with room-temperature water until completely bland.

7. Thunderbird for Kids
Fill a pewter cup with red grape juice and microwave a few seconds to add a metallic taste. Perfect for your 'little hobo.'

6. The Integrated Cola
1/3 Coke, 1/3 Pepsi, 1/3 RC. It's like homemade store-brand cola!

5. Mr. Claus's Sack
Regular ginger ale but served from a baggie.

4. The No-Gettin-Blitzen
Gin and tonic but use, say, pineapple juice instead of Gin. Or something else. Enjoy your drive.

3. The Krampus
Non-alcoholic beer served piping hot in a mug. It tastes terrible, but AA-type alcoholics and designated drivers are social betas and don't have the status to complain.

2. North Pole Sunrise
Like a Tequila Sunrise but use non-alcoholic Tequila, if there is such a thing. I don't know why there would be, but that's # 2.

1. The Christmas Drink
Any drink with no sweet brown bourbon. Not a drop. If you want to waste ice and time make this drink and drink it.

'Who put this Christmas Drink in my Christmas Drink?!'
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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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I came up with a great idea for something to be on everyone's bad side about. Michael Vick. Okay, I stole it from Bryant Gumbel on Real Sports.

Originally I was a big fan of the harshness on Michael Vick. Still bitter about the playoff game he won singlehandedly and at Lambeau. Plus Vick is a rich person. I fit central heating, (I've done it now for years. Anyone?) Sometimes I don't buy the hot sauce I like the most, Tabasco, because it is so expensive and I use a lot of hot sauce. So I buy the cheap sauce and feel justified in enjoying the hammer-down on a person who probably has a Tabasco fountain in his bedroom.

I am an animal lover. There is a bar in Chicago that's earned my enmity for the way they treat their moose head. Maybe it's the Comanche in me. It is a noble animal and holiday lights should not be strung around its massive antlers. It should not have fairground oversized sunglasses on it. Sunglasses do not belong on animals! I am against even the bandito moustache. I would sit at the bar, honoring his spirit, thinking "If this moose was alive, he would kill all of you hippies... I hope some skanky girls come in."

I was in Central America and the whole run we were trying to find underground fights or cock fights. This is a request we whispered to taxi drivers. We still offended some cab drivers' sensibilities. One of the cab drivers tried to dissuade us. "No, no. Young girls? 15, 14. Do anything!" he procured. There were teenage girls everywhere who looked like they'd gotten into their mother's makeup. They were standing outside in their underwear at night. Cock fighting was illegal though, and frowned upon.

I am an animal lover and I don't just like the happy things about animals. I love baby bunnies because they're the bunniest -- but I also love to watch animals kill other animals on nature specials. The eternal struggle for survival is the neat part of life in the state of nature. Solitary and poor? Bleh. But nasty, brutish, and short? Fascinating, and a real connection to the animal world. Pet dogs are like how reality TV compares to reality. They are butt-shadows in the cave of the dog. Eunuchs inbred for docility, in complete antithesis to their vital essence. Robbed of blood and cum and shamed and scared into submission to us, to become fat and slug around the apartment until it needs to rest its head on the ottoman from boredom.

Bullbaiting? Bearbaiting? How great would that be? I would root for the dogs, I think, unless there were too many for the brute being baited and it seemed unfair. I bet those dogs, when they fight that bear, would have the best time. When the Hive-mind from the Dyson Ellipse around Mu Arae enslaves humankind and breeds millions of miniature Paris Hiltons, I hope I will be one of the lucky ones who is pitted unsportingly against the nine-tusked Blarg in the sacred ancient battle dome. Oh sure, Loland's crazy because his panties don't get in knots about dog fighting. You know what? You're crazy! You are the crazy one! You watch reality TV and you visit prostitutes and you think dogs belong in a condo.

I have never seen a dogfight. I didn't like Amores Perros but that movie had an anti-dog-killing agenda. I might not like it. I didn't grow up in the ghetto, though. When did that excuse stop holding water? Cripes! I totally forgot to diss PETA. They steal money from legitimate organizations like SPCAs to have ads with nude celebrities who also have a new movie or sitcom coming out or models so dumb their only voice comes from appearing naked. Penn and Teller do it to it:

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What is the world coming to?

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My Grandmother told me the world was going to hell in a handbasket. While you may imagine environmental collapse, an asteroid collision, or the Rapture as our apocalypse, my blood always chills at the thought of planet-sized handbaskets.

At 4:03 he cocks and uncocks his fist.

This dude got a "beat-down" from "girl gang members." You'll have to fast forward through four minutes of bitches yapping at the guy before the first hissy slap. One of the more tuff gals hits him on the head with an empty soda bottle. Damn, girl! I like the part where he gets up, cocks his fist, but just sits back down sweet as pie. Just because she's got a doo-rag on doesn't mean she's not a girl.
He has learned there are people not to be scared of:
1. People with super baggy pants. They cannot run or spread their legs as far apart as they might need to to avoid being knocked over.
2. People with long hair. Unless they know how to use it like a whip, long hair functions pretty much like a handle.
3. Girls.
4. Bikers and other Gangs. Gangs are a largely homosexual enterprise. Early jail time, access to party drugs, fashionable dress, minimal co-ed groupings...

The heroine and her war-bear discuss
A. J. Ayer's philosophy of 'logical positivism'
in this scene from A Golden Compass

A Golden Compass
I love it when I am told not to see some crappy movie I wouldn't see in a hundred years anyway because it is immoral. But A Golden Compass has zeppelins and count-em two (2!) talking polar bears. Ow! Ouch! Phil Pullman has said specifically that he wrote his series of books "...to undermine the basis of Christian belief."
The Judeo-Christian tradition doesn't have a lot of magic talking animals (2?), but magic talking animals are squarely within the realm of religion. Some religions are nothing but. Parallel worlds, ancient prophecies, right and wrong, and allegory as thick as a Baptist hymnal. All religion. Sorry, Phil.
Just try to make a kids' movie about acid-base titrations, Johnny Science. It would blow like your old Grandma. They can't do that, so they just resort to knocking the church here, which they call the Magisterium. I like to root for the bad guys in childrens' films anyways. They always have the better actors. Go Magisterium!

The election...
Isn't for another gaddamn year. Nevertheless, the new media has made real possibilities out of would-be also-rans. If ersatz-third-party outsiders like Kucinich or Paul get elected they will sell out the Beltway Old Guard and the book containing all the dirty tricks of the last 40 years will be opened. If they even try to do what they say, it will shatter the federal infrastructure. I would love that. That's the same side of me that loved 9/11, though, and isn't that what happened to Britain? The divisiveness of third+ parties made that government incapable of doing anything, stripped of patriotism and a permanent lame duck. Or maybe Barack? I love how even liberals call this Senator by his first name. Just like I call my 65-year old black doorman 'Bobby' and he calls me 'Mr. Kapuchinski' or 'Sir.' But seriously, does electing a black president get us whites off the hook in country? I am fine if it's that. I don't want to elect him president and then find out later it doesn't count because he's not black enough. Junior Senators are too shuck-n' jive for the presidency anyway. Too bad Colin Powell never ran (cough-too classy-cough) (cough-complicity in Mai Lai tribunal's failure to sentence-cough).

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Ho Ho Ho! 10 Great Gifts for the Holidays this Holiday Season

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I was always told there's more than one way to skin a cat. That is definitely true this season! With all these great choices you're sure to find the perfect gift for the "feline mutilator" among your loved ones this Christmas for the perfect gift so have a great Christmas!

Cat-O-Mat

The original! And just as good!

The Cat Genie

Now with a spatter shield. Clean-up's a breeze! No clean-up!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Jr.

For the novice. You'll be skinning cats in half the time as ordinary!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Pro

For pure cat-skinning power, look no further than this one,
with patented "Cat-A-Minute" technology.

Mr. CatSkinner 5000 by Cheever

Tried and true cat-skinning, every time.
Guaranteed for up to 10,000 cats. Meow!

Gyro-Cat Rotating Cat Peeler

Inexpensive, simple, and quick Japanese import, but skinning the cat
in one long strip is the only option. Perfect for scrapbookers.

Skin That Cat! Executive Edition

For busy people who must skin cats on-the-go.
Convenient, but the cat-compacting mechanism can be a little loud.

Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer

Hands-free cat-skinning at its best. Expensive, but the skinned cats are so good even your old Grandmother would think it was done by a professional. That's why they say "You'll have them all fooled with Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer."

Karl of Paris Signature Set with Platinum Cat-Skinning Hooks

This gorgeous 130-piece platinum set comes in a plush-lined wardrobe. Karl of Paris's name is synonymous with skinned cats and it's no wonder. Talk about quality!

Many thanks to those corporations and companies that contributed these fine products for my testing of them so have a great Christmas!

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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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Saudi Court Sentences Gang Rape Victim to 200 Lashes

Now when I first read that headline I was like "Wahabbi-Whaa-at?!" The Internerdosphere had a field day about this, our President's latest atrocity by proxy.

Atrocity seems like something larger-scale. Like if they lined up and killed the last nine crazy-ass Jews that still live in that country. And atrocious isn't bad enough a word -- that's how I behave at Christmas parties. It seems impossibly insensitive after a rape -- but is it backwards?

Saudis have a law that says no single woman of a certain age (young enough to be worth the effort of raping) can hang out with men without a cousin or chaperone. Is it backwards? It is just as backwards to have a law saying you can't hang out with a bunch of crocodiles. You gets into a car with 4 crocodiles and you takes your chances.

I have had rapes described to me and I have to internalize the "Well OF COURSE you got raped!" response. I fell out of a tree once and cried to my mother and she asked "What were you doing in a tree?"

Tori Amos shouldn't have given that dude she just met a ride. Jodie Foster shouldn't have slutted it up in a bar full of dudes and no women in The Accused. The Accused is based on a completely different real-life story of a woman who was just minding her own business buying cigarettes and got raped. I think even King Abdullah Ibn-Saud would give her a pass -- that's terrible!
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10 Reasons I Quit NASA to Become a One-Man Band

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No more salad bar.

Way less free tee-shirts than when I started.

They be straight tripping at the NASA.

I started calling it 'The NASA' then everybody started calling it 'The NASA' and now it is old old old.

The low quality of my work and my ability to shield that news from my superiors would have eventually resulted in the death of an astronaut. Not some dick that works at Cousins -- an astronaut.

Old computers. Green computer screens? The girls showing their junk in Hustler now weren't even born when NASA bought this stuff, and girls in Huster then are now too old to give you a hard on. (That's how Loland tells time -- with Hustler magazines.)

I embarrassed myself at the first NASA picnic and I never fully recovered. It was during the egg carry. I was on angel dust and couldn't stop yelling at the spoon, who was bragging that he had had intercourse with my high school girlfriend. She was a slut, but a spoon? It just hit a sore spot I guess. Later we made friends -- good friends -- but two years ago he moved, literally, to Alaska. I guess I may never see Spoonthew 'Spoony' Utensilman again. Oh, Spoony, mais ou sont les neiges d'antan? Sigh. I get so wistful on angel dust.

Being a One-Man Band has less stringent punishments for misconduct.

No one will ever ask me again if I am using drugs. If they do I will just say "Uhhm... One-Man Band?"

A train whistle sounds just like a train. It knocks them dead in 'She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain!' (If you are another One-Man Band then please don't steal that bit!)

I have written a tambourine/concertina/castanet/football rattle/trumpet connected to an underarm bellows/bass drum 'piece' about NASA that will be a hit because it comes from the heart.

Four words: One-Man Band conventions.

I will get more exercise as a One-Man Band. The only exercise I got at NASA was running out the door at exactly 4:30.

If there are a bunch of old people around you play 'On Top of Old Smokey' and if it's a bunch of kids you play 'On Top of Spaghetti.' My game is tiz-ight!

Is it goofy? Carrying an elbow-operated bass drum on your back while keeping time for long periods is, when you think about it, not unlike what Marines do in training. Are the Marines goofy?

The traditionezi of the One-Man Band has its storied origins in the Ottoman Sultanate's Janissary Band Corps of the 14th Century. Whereas NASA has only been around for about 12 years.

I was unlikely to ever take a space walk or even go on that zero-g plane. There would be no "Put me in, coach!" Rudy moment (unless I impersonated a 'valid').

I am not one of those jackasses that insists on being called a simultaneous multi-instrumentalist and if that makes me politically correct I don't even care.

Eventually I may rise to the Holy Grail of One-Man Bandom -- a salaried employee of a Renaissance Faire.

I'm a loner... a rebel. One-Man Bands are the true punks.

My dream to be a One-Man Band is as beautiful as the glissando of the slide whistle, as clear as the din of the triangle on my left shin, as clever as the high-hat on my head, and as enchanting as the chorus from 'Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts.'

When my wife divorces me I will be free to date younger girls.

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Nicknames I Have Given Over the Summer

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At work and co-ed sports leagues I meet a lot of guys named Steve and Matt and Paul. In other words, people who need nicknames. A nickname from me is a gift and it is always perfect because I am the best nicknamer in the world. Here is a recent selection:

• Snappo
• Mitch
• Ocho
• Green Hat
• Woodstock
• Cut Rate
• Orange Peel (freckled, age 10)
• Booj
• Trespass
• Pants
• Reagan
  
• Milk Moustache
• Stairwell
• Pat O'Butter (age 90)
• Spindrift
• Spills (also Spillsworth)
• Smirky
• Murgatroid (age 6)
• Suspenders
• California
• Business Suit
• Parvenu
• Beardly
• Fouler
• Spooky D (goth kid, age 16, also Squirrelly D)
• DuShambles (named DuFresne)
• Doubler
• Two Fist
• Dink and Duff
• Stalkie
• Big Bird
• Screaming Patty
• Chitch
• Pills
• CJ
• 24
• Pool
• Ching Chong
• Eddie's Brother
• Hoss
• New Nick
• Black Adam
• Sherpa
• Pook
  

Youtube fugue is a common phenomenon.

I like my media like I like my hamsters -- small and fuzzy.

Lessons Learned from Big Trouble in Little China

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'Kind of' Invincible

A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face. And a wise man knows when to get in out of the rain! -- This is a good quote to use when it rains but you'll probably have to explain it. (The world is full of Philistines. I don't know why.)

Okay I really didn't learn anything. Except Kim Cattrall be finger-lickin' stinky hot back then. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, ladies.

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God Bless Christopher Hitchens

I don't like agnostics. Wishy-washy broken ladders. A mind is like a parachute: it should only be open in emergency situations. Otherwise I seal my sweet-ass brain up and viciously fight anyone who tries to hamstring me with cognitive dissonance.

This is why East-coast liberals have all the neuroses. Rich but educated, thusly they are aware that the easy life they enjoy is the direct result of war, colonialism, trade imbalances, use of petrochemicals, child labor, strip-mining, slavery, etc... Every childhood joy or personal triumph was created by the American eagle-monster that they can reject only philosophically while it cleaves them to its warm breast and suckles them with the sweet milk of ipods and curbside garbage collection. If you ever try to eat good surf 'n' turf at a four-star restaurant while philosophically rejecting the same meal, you know how awkward it can be. You must ignore the relationship between the food that goes into your mouth and the politics that come out, so you have to focus on something else, quick, to fill the gap.

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Christopher Hitchens (Chitch) is like the man who gets a second, bigger, uglier tattoo to prove the first ugly tattoo was a good idea. Absolutely no dissonance. Chitch is meditative. His cognitive assonance has allowed him to achieve deep personal levels of faith in his atheism. He elevates the belief with his purity of vision. It's a religion to him, so defined that he hates people of other religions -- just for their religion! Just like a real religion! In this video clip, Chitch castigates other atheists for their faithlessness. Look at him preach! I love this tippling, fire-breathing crackpot bastard!

Wait, did he just use the word 'no-brainer' without irony?

Oops! My bad.
Okay. I guess I was wrong in my newfound love for Chitch. He is a funny guy, but maybe I was just excited he was in Wisconsin. That's exactly why you shouldn't incorporate politics inexorably into your personality.

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On the whole, I am not so Raven.

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I own a collection of over 50 legwarmers and colorful toe-socks.
That's so Raven of me!

I own an unlicensed 19-round Glock 28. I rechambered it to take .40 rounds.
Not very Raven of me.

I started an environmental club called EarthTeenz. We met Al Gore!
That's so Raven of me!

My dense, hearty bowel movements are completely unflushable anywhere on Earth except the largest American cities.
Not very Raven of me.

I tried to fool my Mom and Dad into thinking I had gotten an "A" on my geometry exam so I could go on an unchaperoned overnight trip to Disney World, the most magical place on Earth. They found out, grounded me, and I learned a valuable lesson about telling the truth.
That's so Raven of me!

I had the words "Fucked at Birth" tattooed in gothic blackletter on my neck and a dragon tattooed on my cock and balls.
Not very Raven of me.

I didn't have a date for Lupe's sweet sixteen party, so I blackmailed my neighbor's older exchange student Ernesto to go with me.
That's so Raven of me!

I have never suggested that 'dating' should be the primary concern of children. A hollow laugh track does not follow every sad, meaningless, mean comment I make as a pretense of humor. I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Corporation. I can out-sing Hannah Montana. I do not look like I am going to gain 25 pounds in the next five seconds.
All not very Raven of me.

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20 Horrible Things to Say to Zenn-Lavians

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The eternal balance of cosmic energies must be kept in harmony. Who are you to confound the ancient cosmic ways? Galactus was wrong to spare you -- no offense.

Me, I'm a Skrull man. Always have been. Go Skrulls, I say.

You found on Zenn-La that a Utopian technological society breeds malaise and apathy. I know how you feel, because I am from West Allis, Wisconsin.

How long did it take the World-Devourer Galactus to consume your planet? I bet it would take twice that to consume the Earth. Because we got heart!

Top five best planets: Earth, Skrullos, Mars, the Shi'ar Throneworld, and Ur-anus... of a homeworld Zenn-La. Gotcha! No, I love Zenn-La, I do. It's just all those Zenn-Lavians! Just kidding! But seriously your people are pretty bad.

I heard that on Zenn-La you were humanoid in appearance. I can see that is not true, with your enormous heads and pointy butt-noses. See if you can borrow some old masks from Kang.

I read in InTouch that Shalla-Bal and the Silver Surfer have called it quits. You people are just like that, huh?

How many Zenn-Lavians does it take to screw up a light bulb? It's a joke, they don't have light bulbs on Zenn-La. Because they are all a bunch of suckass hippies.

Silver Sentinel of the Spaceways? More like the Sliding Spazz of Sappy Space Smellodrama Stupid enough to get Stuck in our Solar System.

Back to Svalbard! Oh wait, that's an horrible thing to say to polar bears. I meant: Back to the Deneb system!

When my old awful boss Ron used to tell me to herald the destruction of worlds, I just told him I was on a break. That's what Silver Surfer should have done with Galactus.

I would call you a Zenn-LAME-ian, except it might offend the sentient squid-beings of Zennlamia.

I saw this Zenn-Lavian dude hitting on a human woman at a club once. Me and my buddies fucked him up but good. I got no problem with Zenn-lavians, just keep your filthy cosmic hands off our womenfolk. Ya Hear?

If you want to herald a planet's destruction by a world-devourer, hire a Xandarian. If you want a long prose poem that on how lonely it is is space, get a Zenn-lavian. It's just how it is.

Do Zenn-Lavians really live for a thousand years? It might just feel that way, because I've been at this party talking with you for 10 minutes and it feels like an eternity.

It seems an all-powerful galactic entity wishes to destroy the Earth every few weeks. Do we trade our humanity to save it? Do we sell out? No. We fight. Selling out is in your blood. You are a planet of Hetfields and Ulrichs.

I have a piece of debris from Zenn-La after it was destroyed in my pocket here. I was hoping it would kill you. You know, like Planet Krypton... What do you mean you've never heard of Krypton?

Did Galactus really create a barrier that kept Silver Surfer from leaving Earth? Because I know an Australian guy named Gary who says he was kicked out of Australia, but I'm pretty sure he's here in Wisconsin because the fruity accent is a hit with fat chicks. Did the Silver Surfer's accent get more or less Zenn-Lavian while he was here?

I got my girlfriend one of those knitted Zenn-Lavian handbags that were so popular a few years ago and it unraveled while she was in Panama. She lost her passport, so thank your homeworld when you get back there. And when are you going back to your homeworld?

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