20 Critiques of Critique of Pure Reason

Immanuel Kant
après Perèz

Man oh man did I just read a stinker of a book.
Let me kick a little a posteriori.

Reading this book is as interesting as watching an old man think.

Not as funny a book as The False Subtlety of the Four Syllogistic Figures. Which was not even that funny.

800 pages?! You really had something to prove. What, did David Hume nail your high school girlfriend or something?

When I read about time and space, I want to read about some sort of clever villain too, not just the timeliness of time and how spacey space is.

Use of the word 'sensuous' should be reserved for describing titty, not epistemology.

He seemed to be 'phoning it in' when he gets to the part about pure reason as the seat of transcendental illusory appearance. You can tell because it goes from super-boring to so mega-boring you'd need Ludovico lidlocks to keep your glazzies open.

Intuitions without ideas are blind, and ideas without intuitions are empty? Yeah? Tell that to my wife!

"Die Philosophen haben die Welt nur verschieden interpretiert; es kömmt drauf an, sie zu verändern." I won't translate it because it doesn't have umlauts that way.

'Apperception?' I think he made that word up. I think he makes a lot of these words up, except it was so long ago that now dictionaries have these words.

He deconstructs faith to where it can only exist as simple, practical necessity, but he still rigidly believes in God. Well aren't you Practical Pig?

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.

Draw out the six Kantian object terms and their relationships and what do you have? A Star of David. I'm just sayin'!

They designed a special 1-legged stool for people who watched dynamite mixing machinery so they wouldn't nod off, not catch the mixer going haywire, and get blowed up. Why not include a stool like this with the book? Maybe a helmet too, just in case.

Hey, Kant, I've got a schema for you. Next time write a book that doesn't stink!

In all fairness, I always keep a copy of Critique of Pure Reason around so if a robber breaks in I can crush his skull, either with the book or by reading him a few selections.

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What's Up with Demolition Man?

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Mellow Greetings!
Demolition Man may be a spongy grey turd of a movie but it was often on cable during a particularly rainy summer and wormed its way into my head. It remains there still. I read Crying of Lot 49 that summer too, but I have no recollection of anything about it.


Most importantly the Demolition Man pinball game is the best pinball game to have ever been made. I would not say that lightly. No drains, heavy enough to accept a nudge, a pageant of pinball gimmickry, and loud as a damn bomb. Not to mention Wesley Snipes involved himself in its production -- rejecting the original artwork -- which he thought him look mean. Imagine!

When did cryo-technology start in the world of John Spartan, the Demolition Man? 1996! Three years after the movie was filmed. It is ten plus years later and we have still not even started to freeze rogue cops or super criminals.

T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?
Little Girl: Fuck you, lady!

Sylvester says the word 'taco' with this inflection like the first syllable is a question. He has to say 'Taco Bell' twenty times but gets ALL the stresses wrong, showing himself to be not just a wretched acting talent, but an incompetent mimic of the human species.

When he has electronic intercourse with Sandra Bullock,
Sylvester's facial contortions exemplify his acting style.
He is devoid of the self-awareness that would ordinarily define an actor.

Jack Black was in D-Man! I didn't know that until I started my deep-ass research for this weblog entry. He was also in the 'skater' movie Airborne with Seth Green the same year. I learned that Seth Green, in order to get into the part he played in Airborne, 'Wiley,' insisted on being called 'Wiley' at all times, both on and off the set.

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The Twelve Drinks of Christmas

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Here are some non-alcoholic beverages to enjoy the holiday season a little more responsibly with, if you are into that sort of thing.

12. The Lords A' Leaping
Put raisins in a glass of Sprite. Amaze the grandkids with how the raisins rise and fall with the bubbles, just like the Lords A' Leaping from the movie. Works 100 times better with Champagne but don't use Champagne, drunky.

11. The Triple Fizz
2 tablets fizzy stomach medicine (lemon), 2 fizzy arthritis tablets (lemon), 1 fizzy nutritional supplement package (raspberry). Enjoy the fizzing -- it's as exciting as this drink gets.

10. The Bojangles
Just like a Shirley Temple but add bitters and Worcestershire sauce until black. It's pretty tough to drink for having no booze.

9. The Holly-Berry
Same as 10 except add 1/4 the bitters and Worcestershire. Garnish with way too much praise.

8. The Sea Crest
Take a glass of milk and gayen with room-temperature water until completely bland.

7. Thunderbird for Kids
Fill a pewter cup with red grape juice and microwave a few seconds to add a metallic taste. Perfect for your 'little hobo.'

6. The Integrated Cola
1/3 Coke, 1/3 Pepsi, 1/3 RC. It's like homemade store-brand cola!

5. Mr. Claus's Sack
Regular ginger ale but served from a baggie.

4. The No-Gettin-Blitzen
Gin and tonic but use, say, pineapple juice instead of Gin. Or something else. Enjoy your drive.

3. The Krampus
Non-alcoholic beer served piping hot in a mug. It tastes terrible, but AA-type alcoholics and designated drivers are social betas and don't have the status to complain.

2. North Pole Sunrise
Like a Tequila Sunrise but use non-alcoholic Tequila, if there is such a thing. I don't know why there would be, but that's # 2.

1. The Christmas Drink
Any drink with no sweet brown bourbon. Not a drop. If you want to waste ice and time make this drink and drink it.

'Who put this Christmas Drink in my Christmas Drink?!'
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Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

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I came up with a great idea for something to be on everyone's bad side about. Michael Vick. Okay, I stole it from Bryant Gumbel on Real Sports.

Originally I was a big fan of the harshness on Michael Vick. Still bitter about the playoff game he won singlehandedly and at Lambeau. Plus Vick is a rich person. I fit central heating, (I've done it now for years. Anyone?) Sometimes I don't buy the hot sauce I like the most, Tabasco, because it is so expensive and I use a lot of hot sauce. So I buy the cheap sauce and feel justified in enjoying the hammer-down on a person who probably has a Tabasco fountain in his bedroom.

I am an animal lover. There is a bar in Chicago that's earned my enmity for the way they treat their moose head. Maybe it's the Comanche in me. It is a noble animal and holiday lights should not be strung around its massive antlers. It should not have fairground oversized sunglasses on it. Sunglasses do not belong on animals! I am against even the bandito moustache. I would sit at the bar, honoring his spirit, thinking "If this moose was alive, he would kill all of you hippies... I hope some skanky girls come in."

I was in Central America and the whole run we were trying to find underground fights or cock fights. This is a request we whispered to taxi drivers. We still offended some cab drivers' sensibilities. One of the cab drivers tried to dissuade us. "No, no. Young girls? 15, 14. Do anything!" he procured. There were teenage girls everywhere who looked like they'd gotten into their mother's makeup. They were standing outside in their underwear at night. Cock fighting was illegal though, and frowned upon.

I am an animal lover and I don't just like the happy things about animals. I love baby bunnies because they're the bunniest -- but I also love to watch animals kill other animals on nature specials. The eternal struggle for survival is the neat part of life in the state of nature. Solitary and poor? Bleh. But nasty, brutish, and short? Fascinating, and a real connection to the animal world. Pet dogs are like how reality TV compares to reality. They are butt-shadows in the cave of the dog. Eunuchs inbred for docility, in complete antithesis to their vital essence. Robbed of blood and cum and shamed and scared into submission to us, to become fat and slug around the apartment until it needs to rest its head on the ottoman from boredom.

Bullbaiting? Bearbaiting? How great would that be? I would root for the dogs, I think, unless there were too many for the brute being baited and it seemed unfair. I bet those dogs, when they fight that bear, would have the best time. When the Hive-mind from the Dyson Ellipse around Mu Arae enslaves humankind and breeds millions of miniature Paris Hiltons, I hope I will be one of the lucky ones who is pitted unsportingly against the nine-tusked Blarg in the sacred ancient battle dome. Oh sure, Loland's crazy because his panties don't get in knots about dog fighting. You know what? You're crazy! You are the crazy one! You watch reality TV and you visit prostitutes and you think dogs belong in a condo.

I have never seen a dogfight. I didn't like Amores Perros but that movie had an anti-dog-killing agenda. I might not like it. I didn't grow up in the ghetto, though. When did that excuse stop holding water? Cripes! I totally forgot to diss PETA. They steal money from legitimate organizations like SPCAs to have ads with nude celebrities who also have a new movie or sitcom coming out or models so dumb their only voice comes from appearing naked. Penn and Teller do it to it:

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What is the world coming to?

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My Grandmother told me the world was going to hell in a handbasket. While you may imagine environmental collapse, an asteroid collision, or the Rapture as our apocalypse, my blood always chills at the thought of planet-sized handbaskets.

At 4:03 he cocks and uncocks his fist.

This dude got a "beat-down" from "girl gang members." You'll have to fast forward through four minutes of bitches yapping at the guy before the first hissy slap. One of the more tuff gals hits him on the head with an empty soda bottle. Damn, girl! I like the part where he gets up, cocks his fist, but just sits back down sweet as pie. Just because she's got a doo-rag on doesn't mean she's not a girl.
He has learned there are people not to be scared of:
1. People with super baggy pants. They cannot run or spread their legs as far apart as they might need to to avoid being knocked over.
2. People with long hair. Unless they know how to use it like a whip, long hair functions pretty much like a handle.
3. Girls.
4. Bikers and other Gangs. Gangs are a largely homosexual enterprise. Early jail time, access to party drugs, fashionable dress, minimal co-ed groupings...

The heroine and her war-bear discuss
A. J. Ayer's philosophy of 'logical positivism'
in this scene from A Golden Compass

A Golden Compass
I love it when I am told not to see some crappy movie I wouldn't see in a hundred years anyway because it is immoral. But A Golden Compass has zeppelins and count-em two (2!) talking polar bears. Ow! Ouch! Phil Pullman has said specifically that he wrote his series of books "...to undermine the basis of Christian belief."
The Judeo-Christian tradition doesn't have a lot of magic talking animals (2?), but magic talking animals are squarely within the realm of religion. Some religions are nothing but. Parallel worlds, ancient prophecies, right and wrong, and allegory as thick as a Baptist hymnal. All religion. Sorry, Phil.
Just try to make a kids' movie about acid-base titrations, Johnny Science. It would blow like your old Grandma. They can't do that, so they just resort to knocking the church here, which they call the Magisterium. I like to root for the bad guys in childrens' films anyways. They always have the better actors. Go Magisterium!

The election...
Isn't for another gaddamn year. Nevertheless, the new media has made real possibilities out of would-be also-rans. If ersatz-third-party outsiders like Kucinich or Paul get elected they will sell out the Beltway Old Guard and the book containing all the dirty tricks of the last 40 years will be opened. If they even try to do what they say, it will shatter the federal infrastructure. I would love that. That's the same side of me that loved 9/11, though, and isn't that what happened to Britain? The divisiveness of third+ parties made that government incapable of doing anything, stripped of patriotism and a permanent lame duck. Or maybe Barack? I love how even liberals call this Senator by his first name. Just like I call my 65-year old black doorman 'Bobby' and he calls me 'Mr. Kapuchinski' or 'Sir.' But seriously, does electing a black president get us whites off the hook in country? I am fine if it's that. I don't want to elect him president and then find out later it doesn't count because he's not black enough. Junior Senators are too shuck-n' jive for the presidency anyway. Too bad Colin Powell never ran (cough-too classy-cough) (cough-complicity in Mai Lai tribunal's failure to sentence-cough).

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