This is an assumptive review--I have not tested the reviewed product nor will I.
This is not a condemnation of steaks or steak eating. This is a condemnation of poor steak purchasing and of the man, Donald Trump.
Sharper Image’s used to be a high-end outlet for expensive electronics devices and leather goods. This was the past. Now they are a popular in malls for their lines of disposable seasonal gadgets. Their signature air purifiers are ineffective, and they have often suggested that Razrtm scooters are acceptable for adults.
Ask them if you can try the video glasses at the store in the mall. I dare you.
Trump steakstm are nothing special.
These are not grass-fed steaks or Waygu beef or anything special.
We are a nation of corn-fed steak, and that ain’t bad either. I have corn-fed steak several times a week. I have it because it is cheap and I am poor. Corn is cheaper to grow cows on than grass. I cook it to medium, and I sometimes put ketchup or BBQ on it. This is not sacrilege, because this is a cheap, supermarket, corn-fed steak.
Medium because rare corn-fed beef is unflavored blood mush.
At least mine is not a frozen steak. They advertise the fact at the supermarket.
I guess cows are natural grass eaters. Most of what I know about cow insides comes from eating cow insides. A grass diet makes them steakier. Cowier. Meatier. Pastoral. It may have given the cowboys their passion for the range (pre-industrial economic factors notwithstanding).
Think of it this way. Let’s say you were going to eat a human being -- would you rather eat someone:
A. Who eats salad all day.
B. Who chugs Mountain Dew all day. (Mountain Dew is made out of corn syrup.)
One sounds like eating a Brazilian supermodel and one sounds like biting into a blogger.
You may have had grass fed beef 25 years ago, or had grass-fed beef that was finished on corn 15 years ago, but it‘s almost all corn now. And beef is cheaper than ever. This is good. Steak, like intercourse, is seldom bad. Even when unspectacular it is truly satisfying.
How long are Trump Steakstm aged? Can I get a confirmed amount of aging? Are they dry-aged or wet-aged? Why are you so evasive about your frozen steaks, Mr. Trump? You say the Trump Steakstm are Certified Angus? You mean the same as Burger King's? The BK!? Wow Donald Trump. Wow.
And they don’t specifically state that the cows were fed from 100% plant food source. If I was going to pay a ridiculous amount of money, I would want guarantees about what these cows were fed. 100% corn? Meat and bone-meal? Chicken litter?
Because they don’t tell us it is dry-aged, we can assume it is not. Because they don’t tell us the cows are not fed chicken poop, we can assume they were. And because they don’t specifically say they were nice to the cows, we can assume they called the cows names and played insensitive pranks. Maybe they put sunglasses on the cows. Sunglasses do not belong on animals!
Trump steakstm are phenomenally, ludicrously expensive.
I would applaud anyone who purchased $1000 in steak for a BBQ with friends and loved ones -- but if he only got 16 freezer steaks and 12 Burger King burgers, I would know he was a silly man, who had a deep desire to impress people, but spent his money like a gigantic ass. And not the good kind of gigantic ass.
Conversely: Let's say a friend spent a grand on Matsusaka (the Japanese beef, similarly priced but exceeding in quality -- female virgin cows who are given the beer and relaxing walk treatment) -- I would also think that he was trying to prove something by buying such expensive meat. And whatever it was, he would have proved it to me 100%. I want to try!
Trump the "Man"
Hair - light as a feather stiff as a board. It is no longer funny. If it had ever been anything other than sad, I never understood why. People make jokes when they are uncomfortable.
Trump was on the Mickey Mouse Club 15 years ago, and he was given a ‘gold’ mouse ears hat. He was badgered by the child, a Mouseketeer, into putting it on his head. But he kept a few fingers from each hand on the hat, so that it would not flatten his downy fluff. This is when I started to consider Trump a boob (even though I was a teenager watching Mickey Mouse).
Just Another Bald Millionaire
Robin Leach told a story on talk shows about finding that all the Rolls-Royces in some professed billionaire’s garage were rentals. He wanted to be on the show to boost his business. Perception is reality.
But perceive that Donald Trump got all his money from his father, then lost it all. Does that sound savvy? He lost it all then lost billions more. An entrepreneur? At what, losing Daddy’s money?
We should also all remember that Donald Trump inherited and sold a lot of prime New York City real estate. This land has appreciated exponentially since the sale. What a harebrained decision for someone whose business is real estate.
While he was putting the name “Trump” in the public eye through gluttony and egotism, the business he created went bankrupt, owing to gluttony and egotism. He bankrupted himself and his business while accruing hundreds of millions of dollars in personal debt and multiple billions in business debt. Associating his name with wealth was not a conscious business decision, but a de facto result of his need for attention. It would have been a good idea, but Bacardi didn't choose their name specifically to rhyme with 'party.' Dumb luck.
But the big name is all he has had since his spectacular business failure. Has he bounced back financially? He certainly says so. Often. Too much? Yes perhaps probably.
We must consider why people choose to give advertorial seminars, why they hawk board games and frozen steaks and put their name on bottled water, liquor, and $10 ties, while doing ads for every conceivable product with money to pay a spokesperson. He would do your birthday party if you paid cash. Do billionaires do this? They don’t even do that for companies they own. Why does he appear on pro wrestling? I would appear on pro wrestling, but that is because I would love it. He doesn’t seem to get it.
I would break your fucking thumb.
I would break someone’s thumb before letting them put ketchup on a good steak. I care about things like this. I would hate a potential steak lover to be confounded into thinking this was the best there was in this bright, wonderful world. The Trump Steakstm they are now selling in The Sharper Imagetm are inferior steaks sold at a bewildering price, and are an insult to the steak eating populace.
What are you really pointing at Mr. Trump? Why are you grinning like that?
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