Nicknames I Have Given Over the Summer

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At work and co-ed sports leagues I meet a lot of guys named Steve and Matt and Paul. In other words, people who need nicknames. A nickname from me is a gift and it is always perfect because I am the best nicknamer in the world. Here is a recent selection:

• Snappo
• Mitch
• Ocho
• Green Hat
• Woodstock
• Cut Rate
• Orange Peel (freckled, age 10)
• Booj
• Trespass
• Pants
• Reagan
  
• Milk Moustache
• Stairwell
• Pat O'Butter (age 90)
• Spindrift
• Spills (also Spillsworth)
• Smirky
• Murgatroid (age 6)
• Suspenders
• California
• Business Suit
• Parvenu
• Beardly
• Fouler
• Spooky D (goth kid, age 16, also Squirrelly D)
• DuShambles (named DuFresne)
• Doubler
• Two Fist
• Dink and Duff
• Stalkie
• Big Bird
• Screaming Patty
• Chitch
• Pills
• CJ
• 24
• Pool
• Ching Chong
• Eddie's Brother
• Hoss
• New Nick
• Black Adam
• Sherpa
• Pook
  

Youtube fugue is a common phenomenon.

I like my media like I like my hamsters -- small and fuzzy.

Lessons Learned from Big Trouble in Little China

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'Kind of' Invincible

A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face. And a wise man knows when to get in out of the rain! -- This is a good quote to use when it rains but you'll probably have to explain it. (The world is full of Philistines. I don't know why.)

Okay I really didn't learn anything. Except Kim Cattrall be finger-lickin' stinky hot back then. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, ladies.

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God Bless Christopher Hitchens

I don't like agnostics. Wishy-washy broken ladders. A mind is like a parachute: it should only be open in emergency situations. Otherwise I seal my sweet-ass brain up and viciously fight anyone who tries to hamstring me with cognitive dissonance.

This is why East-coast liberals have all the neuroses. Rich but educated, thusly they are aware that the easy life they enjoy is the direct result of war, colonialism, trade imbalances, use of petrochemicals, child labor, strip-mining, slavery, etc... Every childhood joy or personal triumph was created by the American eagle-monster that they can reject only philosophically while it cleaves them to its warm breast and suckles them with the sweet milk of ipods and curbside garbage collection. If you ever try to eat good surf 'n' turf at a four-star restaurant while philosophically rejecting the same meal, you know how awkward it can be. You must ignore the relationship between the food that goes into your mouth and the politics that come out, so you have to focus on something else, quick, to fill the gap.

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Christopher Hitchens (Chitch) is like the man who gets a second, bigger, uglier tattoo to prove the first ugly tattoo was a good idea. Absolutely no dissonance. Chitch is meditative. His cognitive assonance has allowed him to achieve deep personal levels of faith in his atheism. He elevates the belief with his purity of vision. It's a religion to him, so defined that he hates people of other religions -- just for their religion! Just like a real religion! In this video clip, Chitch castigates other atheists for their faithlessness. Look at him preach! I love this tippling, fire-breathing crackpot bastard!

Wait, did he just use the word 'no-brainer' without irony?

Oops! My bad.
Okay. I guess I was wrong in my newfound love for Chitch. He is a funny guy, but maybe I was just excited he was in Wisconsin. That's exactly why you shouldn't incorporate politics inexorably into your personality.

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On the whole, I am not so Raven.

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I own a collection of over 50 legwarmers and colorful toe-socks.
That's so Raven of me!

I own an unlicensed 19-round Glock 28. I rechambered it to take .40 rounds.
Not very Raven of me.

I started an environmental club called EarthTeenz. We met Al Gore!
That's so Raven of me!

My dense, hearty bowel movements are completely unflushable anywhere on Earth except the largest American cities.
Not very Raven of me.

I tried to fool my Mom and Dad into thinking I had gotten an "A" on my geometry exam so I could go on an unchaperoned overnight trip to Disney World, the most magical place on Earth. They found out, grounded me, and I learned a valuable lesson about telling the truth.
That's so Raven of me!

I had the words "Fucked at Birth" tattooed in gothic blackletter on my neck and a dragon tattooed on my cock and balls.
Not very Raven of me.

I didn't have a date for Lupe's sweet sixteen party, so I blackmailed my neighbor's older exchange student Ernesto to go with me.
That's so Raven of me!

I have never suggested that 'dating' should be the primary concern of children. A hollow laugh track does not follow every sad, meaningless, mean comment I make as a pretense of humor. I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Corporation. I can out-sing Hannah Montana. I do not look like I am going to gain 25 pounds in the next five seconds.
All not very Raven of me.

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20 Horrible Things to Say to Zenn-Lavians

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The eternal balance of cosmic energies must be kept in harmony. Who are you to confound the ancient cosmic ways? Galactus was wrong to spare you -- no offense.

Me, I'm a Skrull man. Always have been. Go Skrulls, I say.

You found on Zenn-La that a Utopian technological society breeds malaise and apathy. I know how you feel, because I am from West Allis, Wisconsin.

How long did it take the World-Devourer Galactus to consume your planet? I bet it would take twice that to consume the Earth. Because we got heart!

Top five best planets: Earth, Skrullos, Mars, the Shi'ar Throneworld, and Ur-anus... of a homeworld Zenn-La. Gotcha! No, I love Zenn-La, I do. It's just all those Zenn-Lavians! Just kidding! But seriously your people are pretty bad.

I heard that on Zenn-La you were humanoid in appearance. I can see that is not true, with your enormous heads and pointy butt-noses. See if you can borrow some old masks from Kang.

I read in InTouch that Shalla-Bal and the Silver Surfer have called it quits. You people are just like that, huh?

How many Zenn-Lavians does it take to screw up a light bulb? It's a joke, they don't have light bulbs on Zenn-La. Because they are all a bunch of suckass hippies.

Silver Sentinel of the Spaceways? More like the Sliding Spazz of Sappy Space Smellodrama Stupid enough to get Stuck in our Solar System.

Back to Svalbard! Oh wait, that's an horrible thing to say to polar bears. I meant: Back to the Deneb system!

When my old awful boss Ron used to tell me to herald the destruction of worlds, I just told him I was on a break. That's what Silver Surfer should have done with Galactus.

I would call you a Zenn-LAME-ian, except it might offend the sentient squid-beings of Zennlamia.

I saw this Zenn-Lavian dude hitting on a human woman at a club once. Me and my buddies fucked him up but good. I got no problem with Zenn-lavians, just keep your filthy cosmic hands off our womenfolk. Ya Hear?

If you want to herald a planet's destruction by a world-devourer, hire a Xandarian. If you want a long prose poem that on how lonely it is is space, get a Zenn-lavian. It's just how it is.

Do Zenn-Lavians really live for a thousand years? It might just feel that way, because I've been at this party talking with you for 10 minutes and it feels like an eternity.

It seems an all-powerful galactic entity wishes to destroy the Earth every few weeks. Do we trade our humanity to save it? Do we sell out? No. We fight. Selling out is in your blood. You are a planet of Hetfields and Ulrichs.

I have a piece of debris from Zenn-La after it was destroyed in my pocket here. I was hoping it would kill you. You know, like Planet Krypton... What do you mean you've never heard of Krypton?

Did Galactus really create a barrier that kept Silver Surfer from leaving Earth? Because I know an Australian guy named Gary who says he was kicked out of Australia, but I'm pretty sure he's here in Wisconsin because the fruity accent is a hit with fat chicks. Did the Silver Surfer's accent get more or less Zenn-Lavian while he was here?

I got my girlfriend one of those knitted Zenn-Lavian handbags that were so popular a few years ago and it unraveled while she was in Panama. She lost her passport, so thank your homeworld when you get back there. And when are you going back to your homeworld?

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