Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog

Psych is the most racist show on television.

2011-10-27T04:29:00.000Z

I know because I watch it. (Not enough to know the characters' names.) But there is a black guy and there is a white guy and they are in every scene. The comic talents of the two heretofore nameless actors are both middlin' and the personalities of the two characters are interchangeable, but in every scene the white guy says the choice line and the black guy is relegated to rejoinders. I call upon the two main actors in this series, Herman Goldberg and Shavontez Roosevelt, to differentiate characters and stop being racist or racialist.

Shavontez Roosevelt

needs our help!

I wrote some palindromes.

2011-10-14T22:39:00.000Z

I am the king of exactly halfway finished palindromes. But here are some palindromes THAT REQUIRE NO EXPLANATION.

If I was a wi-fi.

Twas aemsborrobsmea! Saw 't!

Are we not aemsborrobsmea to new era?

Here are a few I wrote in ancient Marathi (hopefully your browser is set up to read Devanagari-2 encoding):

👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓

(I attended the Wat Purnima festival with my uncle, a sheepshear.)

👓 👓👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓 👓 👓 👓👓👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓 👓 👓 👓👓👓 👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓👓👓👓 👓👓👓👓👓

(Life is like an unbuttered pav.)

Alright, so I wrote 1 palindrome.

Things I have written in emails to my boss who doesn't read my emails.

2011-09-02T02:20:00.003Z

"Colin Fredricks has yet to return your call. Dana Peale has yet to return your call. When speaking to Dana, remember she has a sultry phone voice but is mannish in person."

"The head of their board of directors was in The Spanic Boys. Decent band, kinda gay, but 10 times better than Lady Antebellum."

"The letter to Dana Peale will be published in a book of poems: The Tree Thief: Metaphysical Ecoconsciousness, edited by my college girlfriend Myra Metzer. The book will be available for $0. She accepts donations, so she may continue her work, but only in the form of 'Big Red Barn Cooperative Dollars.' She will not accept or even handle US currency."

"I'll deflate your inflatable goat and check the airline schedules."

"I think I should flat out just tell our intern to bleach her moustache. Where is her mother?"

"I will get Jimmy John's for the meeting. I will not get Toppers pizza. Toppers is a blight. Toppers thinks it can just muscle its way up to the pizza trough in Milwaukee, all market saturation and no excellence of pie. What's with the outrageous prices? Toppers needs to get over itself and its boilerplate product. Their slogan could be 'Toppers: Our pizzas are circular.' If I want Little Caesar's I call Little Caesar's."

Subject of email: "Colony collapse syndrome is a scam by big honey."

"James Lee stopped by the office in your absence. I had no clue he was Asian."

"Regarding bring your daughter to work day, I don't have a daughter so can I bring a case of Schlitz?"

"As per your request, I will no longer be concerned about the money your non-profit pays you for consulting. With your permission, I will continue to think it hilarious."

I have not posted in a while and this is a great way to tell you that I now have a son!!!

2011-09-01T06:54:00.007Z

HI! I guess most of you know, there's a new Kowpoke in the Kapuchinski Klan Korral! He's so good looking that I think I'm having "gay panic." It's like the feeling when Paul Newman comes on screen unexpectedly and I make a little gasp. I want to make love to the little guy!

I really thought I'd never have a child to call my own, to love and to mold, to teach the things my father taught me. Like how to fish. My son will fish with me. "My son and I are going fishing" "My son." I just like saying the words. I want to climb a mountain and shout "I have a son! I finally have a son."

My wife Jane already put in the paperwork to call him "Cicci" which is pronounced Chee-Chee. The lawyer she keeps on retainer informs me this is her right. I think I will call him "Buck" though, in honor of the Milwaukee Bucks. "Buck" is what we currently call our adopted son, but fair is fair. I have a son!

Top 10 Maritime Disaster Songs

2009-08-20T19:00:00.003Z

1. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot

2. Sultana - Son Volt

3. The Sinking of the Reuben James - The Kingston Trio

4. Turkish Song Of The Damned - The Pogues

5. Seaward and Gone - Beck

6. Sloop John B. - The Beach Boys

7. The Scuttle of the SMS Derfflinger - David Hasslehoff

8. Pontoon Down! My Deposit! - Viva Water Law

9. The Rime of the Ancient Vulgarian - Evinrude Boyz

10. Qui a Oublié le Fucken Cooler? - Alizée
.

Whatta Kuntstrad!

2009-08-19T17:17:00.001Z

Stop the Robot Violence!

2009-07-29T15:52:00.004Z

I made a new word -- Vageinstein!

2009-05-15T00:35:00.004Z

Let's say you were talking about how your new boyfriend is really good in bed, you could say:

"He's a real Vageinstein!"

.

Copyright and Restricted Rights Notice

© 2009 All rights reserved. Unauthorized use prohibited.

The term "Vageinstein" and all variants, spellings, depictions, or uses thereof may not be reproduced in whole or in part, used, sold, modified, or transmitted to any third party without Loland Kapuchinski’s Weblog's and/or its affiliates' and/or associated legal entities' prior written approval, and these licensees may only display, publish, copy, print, post or use "Vageinstein" pending agreements entered into by the licensee and Loland Kapuchinski’s Weblog and/or its affiliates and/or associated legal entities, subject to fair use, such as limited copying for purposes of scientific research and criticism. By accessing Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog you acknowledge the terms and conditions contained herein and agree to comply with them.

Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog may cede or otherwise transfer its rights and obligations to the concept "Vageinstein" in terms of these terms and conditions to a third party. Any failure on the part of Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog to enforce any right toward the concept "Vageinstein" in terms hereof shall in no means constitute a concision or waiver of these rights. If any term or condition stated herein is declared invalid, the remaining terms and conditions will remain in full force and effect.

Kopyrighten und eingeschränkte Recht-Nachricht

© 2009 alle Rechte vorbehalten. Nicht autorisierter Gebrauch verboten.

Der Ausdruck „Vageinstein“ und alle Varianten, Rechtschreibungen, Beschreibungen oder Gebrauch können möglicherweise nicht davon ganz oder teilweise reproduziert werden, irgendeiner Drittpartei ohne Löland Kapuchinski's Weblog's verwendet werden, verkauft werden, geändert werden oder übermittelt werden und/oder seiner Teilnehmer und/oder vorherige schriftliche Zustimmung der dazugehörigen juristischen Personen, und diese Lizenznehmer können „Vageinstein“ während die Abkommen nur anzeigen, veröffentlichen, kopieren, drucken, bekannt geben oder verwenden, die durch in das Lizenznehmer und Loland Kapuchinski's Weblog und/oder in seine Teilnehmer und/oder in dazugehörigen juristischen Personen abhängig vom fairen Gebrauch, wie begrenzter Kopie zwecks der wissenschaftlichen Forschung und der Kritik abgeschlossen werden. Durch zurückgreifenden Loland Kapuchinskis Weblog bestätigen Sie die Bedingungen, die hierin enthalten werden und sind, mit ihnen einzuwilligen damit einverstanden.

Löland Kapuchinskis Weblog kann seine Rechte und Verpflichtungen auf das Konzept „Vageinstein“ in diesen Bedingungen ausgedrückt auf eine Drittpartei überlassen oder anders bringen. Jede mögliche Störung vonseiten Loland Kapuchinskis Weblog, irgendwie zu erzwingen berichtigen in Richtung zum Konzept „Vageinstein“ in den Ausdrücken hiervon in keinen Mitteln festsetzt einen Concision oder eine Aufhebung dieser Rechte. Wenn irgendein Ausdruck oder Bedingung, die hierin angegeben werden, erklärtes unzulässiges ist, bleiben die restlichen Bedingungen vollständig Kraft und Effekt.

Copyright et notification restreinte de droites

© 2009 tous droits réservés. Utilisation non autorisée interdite.

Le terme « Vageinstein » et toutes les variantes, épellations, descriptions, ou utilisations en ne peuvent être reproduits entièrement ou partiellement, employés, vendus, modifiés, ou transmis à aucun tiers sans Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski et/ou ses filiales et/ou approbation écrite antérieure des personnes morales associées, et ces concessionnaires peuvent seulement montrer, éditer, copier, imprimer, signaler ou employer « Vageinstein » en attendant des accords écrits dans par le Weblog de concessionnaire et de Loland Kapuchinski et/ou ses filiales et/ou personnes morales associées, sujet à l'utilisation juste, telle que la copie limitée aux fins de la recherche scientifique et de la critique. Par Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski de accès vous reconnaissez les termes et conditions générales contenus ci-dessus et acceptez de se conformer à eux.

Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski peut céder ou autrement transférer ses droits et engagements au concept « Vageinstein » en termes de ces termes et conditions générales à un tiers. N'importe quel manque de la part de Weblog de Loland Kapuchinski d'imposer juste vers le concept « Vageinstein » en termes de ceci dans aucuns moyens constituera une concision ou une levée de ces droites. Si n'importe quelle limite ou condition indiquée ci-dessus est inadmissible avoué, les termes et conditions générales restants demeureront entièrement force et effet.

The introduction to my 2002 book: Cinematic Dwarves

2009-05-14T16:58:00.008Z

Subtitled: How Chad Lowe and the Black Hand of Elite Hollywood Short Guys Control the Industry.

My wife Jane enjoys a few glasses of red wine before bed, and she has the cutest chubby little fingers. I love each and every one of them, but they just don't possess the nimbleness required to handle a wineglass. A few years ago, Jane spilled a little vino into the laptop that the book I was writing was on. The data was irretrievable, but I forgave my wife instantly and completely. I never make fun of her fingers, which I call "my nummy widdle sausages" but now I remove all glassware from her hand and serve her her wine in a large-handled plastic safety container reminding her "We don't want any accidents!"

All I have left from my years of exhaustive documentation and writing are these intro passages from the inner and outer jacket.

The journey of research and realization recounted in this novel stems from a very personal experience. I saw Wesley Snipes and how short he was in the D.C. train station. I wasn't taking a train. I was just buying a pretzel. Wesley Snipes was dazzlingly good looking and dapper in his purple hat and on his way to the NCAAP awards being held in D.C. the same night as my cousin's wedding. Wesley Snipes is a good egg for going to that NCAAP awards show. He's great. I love his movies and I once edited some slander out of his wikipedia page, so it is not lightly or with any malice that I tell you: Wesley Snipes was not an inch over five feet tall. I had to actually squat to look at his face under the brim of his purple hat. It was no trick of the light. It's not like you need to have shortdar. It's not like gaydar or toupeedar, requiring skills of nuanced judgment that are not universal. Even children are accurate in gauging if someone is taller or shorter than them.

I saw a little Piven at a baseball game and he was great, but he was so tiny. He looked like a baby with his round head and chubby cheeks. He was a manbaby. I wanted to pick him up, and I don't know, just hold him? I'm pretty sure I asked. You've got to ask the tough questions, sometimes. Hard-hitting, mind-punishing questions. Questions I call "The Noodle Busters." Like why is Wesley Snipes so short? Why are a lot of celebrities kind of short? You ask questions then those questions start asking questions.

I hope this book asks those hard questions, then answers those questions harder. My research has inexorably concluded this worldwide conspiracy of Elite Hollywood Short People goes on right in front of our faces in our movies, our television shows, and our commercials. Piece together the snugly fitting fragments:

Movie and TV studio sets need to be locked down because they are designed by a closed cadre of workmen who have taken an oath never to tell the public they build their sets in 7/10 scale.

Ask any Director and he will tell you. Directing a movie is largely about one thing: framing the shots so that these tiny individuals don't look as bizarre on camera as they do in real life. It's called "forced perspective" and it's not always possible. In the movie Minority Report, normal-sized actor Max Von Sydow was paired with thumb-sized boy man Tom Cruise and Stephen Spielberg tried to get them as far away from each other as he could every shot, but it still looks like Max could pop off Tom's head and swallow it like a pill.

Did you know Tom Cruise is careful never to be photgraphed with any coins or dollar bills or any universally sized item that people could use to get a sense of the scale of the actor?

Did you know if Mel Gibson was just an inch taller, he wouldn't be an anti-semite, a heretic, or an alcoholic? Like Robert Downey Jr. and most other short people, Mel just can't process alcohol or major religions.

Did you know the average height for Australians is 5' 1"? But converted to Australian (or Crookaroo) that's 5'11"!

Did you know Chris O'Donnell used to live in a toadstool like a Smurf? The man is three apples high.

Did you know a lot of these short actors like Wesley Snipes have great bodies because it's easier for short people to work out? How far do you lift a weight? An arm length. Shorter arms means you're moving it less of a distance. He's probably got a really high metabolism like a squirrel. That's just science.

Wesley Snipes is fit as a fiddle and could literally beat me up with one hand tied behind his back. He could beat me up with the hand that was tied up, because his thumb is stronger than my whole body. But I was hit by an epiphanic thunderbolt the moment I saw how short Wesley Snipes is. It all unraveled for me, the curtain flew back and I could see the men working behind the scenes. The Scientologists. Entertainment lawyers. The men who make special shoes for Russell Crowe, who has feet like a Geisha. A petite but sinister shadow conspiracy concieved in Australia and now run by Chad Lowe, a modern day Adam Weishaupt. This is the story of scores of other smart vicious men in the spirit of Napoleon. This is the story of the schemes and plots these gnomes conduct on a massive scale. It is a story of thousands of California co-conspirators and millions of their unwilling, unwitting benefactors -- movie audiences everywhere. This is the story of a Chad Lowe you didn't meet when he played that retarded kid on that show. Subtle and brilliant, Chad Lowe is a ruthless mastermind with thirsts for cocaine and grisly porn and a taste for vengeance.

This is the story of the littlest guys and the biggest lies, propped up by a complex architecture of misinformation and intrigue that spreads to every facet of the entertainment industry. We must out all the closeted short people, to cleanse our society from their lies, and for the common dignity of short people everywhere. It is misogyny to suggest that women, in all cases, be shorter than men. It would improve the mental health of short men to know that their favorite actors are themselves tiny despite mad attempts to avoid the fact. Disseminating this information can stop these little fellows from manipulating our minds and the movie industry. Metaphorically, we don't want them jumping out of the pies they're baked in and biting us on the finger like Jack did to the giant. This is the story of Cinematic Dwarves.

It should be noted that not all celebrities are short. I saw Famke Janssen once and she's about six foot. I saw her lift a horse cart that had fallen on a peasant girl. Then she broke coins with her bare hands in an ale house as the villagers cheered.

Christmas in Other Countries

2008-12-03T09:47:00.002Z

In England they call Santa Claus "Mr. John Claus" and he wears a red deerstalker cap and smokes a calabash. Children are not permitted to sit on his lap but they can exchange brief nods from across the train station as he reads the paper. On Christmas, English kids eat pudding that is not from single-serve containers and a type of duck called "Goose." Good children receive pepper candies and buttered chestnuts and naughty children get the business with a riding crop on their bare bottoms until their buttocks shine striped hot and red.

In Italy Santa Claus is named Rizzo Claus and he wears fingerless gloves and a red speedo, dropping gold chains and dirty comic books into the pointy shoes of little Italian children, who leave out a little dab of hair gel for him next to a potted olive tree.

On the island of Malau it is the oldest unmarried child's responsibility to provide a Christmas feast for the family. They often tell a story there about a Malausi girl who had gotten a moorhen after one year's holiday celebration, promising to fatten it up for the next Christmas dinner. But the girl had started feeding it by hand, and by the monsoon season they were allowing it to walk around the hut like one of the family. They even named the moorhen "Pete." When Christmastime came around again, she did not think she had it in her to put Pete on the chopping block. So they ate the dog.

In Bulgaria it is not Santa who hands out toys and presents but his sinister companion, Lurthamog. Lurthamog of the Fallen Darkness, Slayer of Light! Lurthamog has six rotating sets of horns on his head, both his fangs and eyes are located in a gigantic wolf's jaw, and he is commonly depicted with a massive barbed penis. "Be nice this Christmas," say the old Bulgarian grandmothers "Or you'll get it in the ass with Lurthamog's spiked shaft!" And no one sets out a Christmas dinner table like the Bulgarians: Warm Cabbage Slaw, Cooked Cabbage, Cabbage in Water, Pan Cabbage, Cabbage Mush, Brown Cabbage & Beets with Cabbage sauce, and for dessert, a crisp wedge of room-temperature Christmas Cabbage!

In Ireland Christmas comes for the children one or two days late. On the morning of the 25th, children usually just find the person they suspect may be their father passed out in a "Yule Puddle" near the fireplace. Christmas Day is the one day Irish children are not allowed to say "Fuck" during their prayers. No, it does not snow in Ireland, that's actually dandruff, but it is festive nonetheless.

In Detroit they invented this spurious holiday called Kwanzaa to take advantage of day-after sales at the Zayre's. Santa Claus is depicted as a black man with a white beard, but most black kids know he is really a white. Kwanzaa is a time to wear tall brimless cylindrical hats.

In Texas they start celebrating Christmas on October 5 because there's no law against that or anything else. They string lights around the Christmas Tumbleweed and re-gift the bullets and bolo ties and Bible Books-on-CD they got last year. After a Christmas dinner of ribs and beef ribs, they attend church in an aluminum sided warehouse right off a ramp on Highway 44 to hear Rev. Jimmy Ray's homily on how Christmas didn't matter to Jimmy Ray back when he was in a motorcycle gang dealing angel dust up and down that same 44. It's actually pretty entertaining and worth a couple bucks in the tray -- It's Christmas.

If I Was Stranded on an Island and Could Only Bring Four Recipes...

2008-08-14T18:42:00.003Z

Coconut Surprise

Sandy's Cream of Coconut Soup

Seawater Pot Pies

Gangrenous Foot Salad

100 Formerly Private Secret Shames of Loland Kapuchinski (redacted version)

2008-08-12T21:09:00.004Z

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Cold sores that make policemen ask “Are you alright, sir?”

REDACTED

Bushy chest hair trimmed so it looks like I have pectoral muscles under tee shirt

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Nancy Sinatra Syndrome

REDACTED

Manifold appreciation for the female form

Allergies

Not actually allergic to anything, just crying

REDACTED

Fountain soda syrup-to-soda mix ratio judgmentalism causing friction between me and Tania, the local gas station attendant.

REDACTED

Motorcycle into pool -- not good for either. I thought it would be like peanut butter and chocolate

REDACTED

PORTION REDACTED …but in my defense, she was super ugly

Saving the world, one me at a time

REDACTED

Proud of being excellent sandwich delivery boy

Fake lower voice still quite high

Seen PORTION REDACTED four times already this year

Pooped the bed at camp

As often as I was able

REDACTED

REDACTED

Tattoo half-done for eight years. I kept falling asleep. Apparently this Vegas scumbag tattoo institution a $75 dollar cab ride away from the Flaming O has some code of tattoo scumbag junkie ethics that says you can’t tattoo someone who is enjoying a well-earned nap after winning $1100. After all, why would I want to sleep through someone coloring my flesh with a vibrating needle? And these scammer druggies wanted to charge us $300 an hour for the time we spent asleep on two of their many chairs. PORTION REDACTED So it says “Mot” and I think I like it that way, because Mom actually hated tattoos.

Vermouth drinker

"Sympathetic pregnancy pains" just vermouth sick

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Hate U2

REDACTED

Into radio rap

REDACTED

REDACTED

Easily startled

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Know too many Rush lyrics

Mind is not for rent

REDACTED

They don’t call me “Kid Genius” as much anymore .

REDACTED

“Plumber’s elbow” actually “tennis elbow”

“Tennis elbow” actually from pulling it

“Third nipple” actually huge disgusting mole

REDACTED

Pee-hole in penis seems to be frowning. Frowning when I look at it. If you were facing it, it would look to be smiling, but no one faces it.

REDACTED

I used to rap about bowel movements and chewing tobacco with a kid from Immaculate Conception named Pat Flynn, who had no rap name other than Pat Flynn. This is from a rap about using the bathroom, “Bowl Rocker.” “I like to loop it. I eat it then I poop it. When I’m on the mic I get stupid. You poop. I poop. We poop-ed.”

Pat Flynn and I lost a talent show to good-looking lip-syncers, sisters who also did magic tricks, tarnishing the music industry permanently for us.

REDACTED

Ninety-eight year old grandma leaves me a message -- it took me two weeks to even listen -- I don’t sweat it because that bitch will live to a thousand.

Mock ghetto

Faux French

Der baddener German

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Hands soft as lilies

Decreasing appreciation for my affected, arty penmanship in digital society

Worst analgrams ever

Anagrams even worse

Hundreds of exactly halfway finished palindromes

REDACTED

Xanadu, man. He roller skated right into that wall. That's love!

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Onion did not use my story idea “Kansas Schools to Begin Teaching Deckard Was Not a Replicant.”

Still haven’t decided on weblog name

What month is this? And the year? Help me out on the day while you’re at it. Then I haven’t missed it! Oh, I did miss it? I missed it.

I have never learned Grace, the prayer Catholics say before dinner, or I guess eating, but not breakfast. I never learned Grace because we say it together. I don’t even know how it starts. But my being a lousy Catholic is a whole different breast-beating six-volume list of shames in and of itself.

Hummingbirds and jaguars (I’m still listening to the Frente! album!)

West Texas, then West Allis have bemulleted my person. While my actual hair appears normal, there is a perceptible “shadow mullet” hanging over me.

Summer sausage and sardines in mustard? Pumpernickel pickle-lily cucumber sandwiches? Commit to a comic diet, why don’t you?

Nicknamed roomate's girlfriend with messed-up hand “J.T.”

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

REDACTED

Phoning the end in...

Who am I kidding? Not one thing on this list brings me down one notch. I am the notch. As same as I ever was. I will remain the quiet storm, while you are just posing like a fronter. Smell my ass at your leisure, fronter.

Slogans for Cities in Wisconsin

2008-08-11T20:22:00.004Z

Milwaukee

Your town's clock tower is pathetic.

Kenosha
Next three exits!

Slinger
Still callin' margarine oleo.

Egg Harbor
Get your FIBs out!

La Crosse
The city, not the super lame sport.

Wyalusing
Wyalusing is for lovers.

West Salem
Home of Harlin Garland's Home.

Janesville
We got a Mills Fleet Farm and a Blain's Farm and Fleet. Beat that New York City!

Sparta
This is Sparta, WI!!!

Cedarburg
Cedarburg: Where you're the black person!

Spring Green
The Green Apple

Minocqua
If you like rustic, try Minocqua! Everybody works at the mill and we're all using the old twenty dollar bills and drinking malted milk. There's no place to find condoms. Our Blockbuster is mostly tapes. We've still got a problem with drunk Indians on Main Street! It's the Yahtzee on sixes of rustic.

Cudahy
Dress casual!

Racine
Better than, or as good as, Kenosha.

Mazomanie
Home of the ugliest nude beach on the planet. Yikes!

Ashwaubenon
Hi-Class!

West Allis
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

When I was in high school I thought there was an actual place near Fox Point called "Locke's Point." I couldn't work it into a slogan.

I Wrote Some Limericks in a Bad Mood

2008-08-10T21:54:00.010Z

Nantucket

There once was a young man named Charles
Who cried as he stood on the gallows
He fell with a thwack
It all went black
And he made a sound like Charo.

There was a man who left his scabies untreated.
It got so gross that he couldn't beat it.
Quoth he "I'm not a looney Lou,
I got these at Harvard U.
Natalie Portman could've had these sweet nits!"

There was a man who feared falling the worst
Because he lived a life so cursed
He slipped when it was raining and pouring
Off the Chrysler Building's dirigible mooring
Onto a pointy-helmeted German tourist

There was my high school girl and wow.
She hasn't lost a step and how.
Her geezer wears mock turtlenecks
And drives a Porsche and they have sex?
(She's renting out her vagina now.)

There was a young lady with a body like a sack
But I think I'll still try to take a crack
If she's got at least one breast
Then she's passed my one test
God's gift to fat chicks is back!

There remains a gal from Nantucket
Who poops in my cock-shaped nuggets
During the ass sex
I read her the classics
As for her one boob, I juggles it

There once was kind of a racist
Who hated the look on their faces,
"I want to kick in
their lazy grins
Right through their Shamrock Shakes."

There was a Limericist whose job was cushy
Though his meter and grammar were mussy
He got as rich as the Buddha
Writing Limericks that were screwed-up
With rhymes as slant as Chinese pussy

There was a woman named Oprah
Who could have run for Pope-rah
But she had to kick G. I. Joe's ass
With a hood/mask
As Commander of the C.O.B.R.A.

I feel better now. God bless Ernesto Limericks!

DVDS I Have Not Liked Recently

2008-07-28T22:46:00.006Z

.
The Onion Movie/DVD

It's a car crash you can't turn your head away from, but then you see a busted-up baby seat and you turn your head away, but then you want to see if the baby was thrown clear so you look back, and then you see that the crash has killed a cheerleader, and thrown her sweater off and she was wearing a purple bra, so you pull out your penis and start to masturbate, but then you realize your whole family is in the car, and you turn back away from the crash site to see if your family has noticed and they have. And that's just the first fifteen minutes!
.

What's up with my "Specialty" kisses?

2008-07-28T20:09:00.001Z

Wouldn’t you like to know? Well, okay.

What are you, holding a book? You've got use your hands, your arms, your body. Amateur!

The Tough but Tender
This is the one where I grab my wife’s body and slam it against my own, but right before I plant her one, I slow down, giving her just one tiny peck on her top lip, soft and gentle as moonbeams.

Butter P
I sneak around her from behind and hum with my mouth on her jugular, humming using more and more nasal cavity, to transfer the more and more vibration to her neck. I flourish it with butterfly kisses on the chin and jaw, but it‘s not the main event. The name Butter P comes from a dead cat. This is another one for when she is not in the mood.

Red Alert
This is the one where I whip my shirt off while going in for the first kiss, so there’s no confusion. There is nothing worse than a confused woman. With Red Alert, I treat the whole thing like it’s my birthday, there’s a lot of slobber at first but the bedclothes don’t even get damp, and pretty soon everything is fine in my head again, and then she’s talking about her day, or whatever she talks about.

Jazz
The one where I brush a strand of hair from her brow, cup her sun-dappled jowl, look lovingly into her eyes, then trumpet farting noises on her chubby cheeks until she is able to buck me off.

The old Rope-a-Dope
Where I fall on the couch with her on top. If you’re on the bottom, you still have to pull them closer and tighter. This avoids any “Am I crushing you?” response, ‘cause if she gets that into her head you might not pull this deal off. She thinks she is kissing me with this one. I say “You’re frisky today” and it comes off like it was all her idea.

Jane!
I say Jane! really loud like I have something super important to say, but then I just kiss her, Jane, and that is the super important thing.

El Que
Unsneaking a kiss. The one where I turn my face in the same direction when she starts up a kiss, so she has to weave and bob so our noses don‘t bump. She usually doesn’t have to do any work. I am the kisser here. And then I actively try to block her nose with my nose. This kiss is good for being passive-aggressive.

Secret CIA kisses
Public displays of affection are not permitted in my culture, so in a bar or on the softball field or in the presence of children, I go in for what looks like a whisper, but just kissy blow in her ear instead, with kind of a pusst pusst pusst. And then we laugh, making it look like just a joke.

Snaggles
Nipping at her earlobe with my chipped tooth. This is not very erotic for her or me but is good for waking her up.

Spindrift
This involves spinning her around before a kiss. Turning her around is ostensibly for getting a 360 degree view of her. She likes the idea of me checking out her ass and this or that outfit. But it’s more about the spinning, which always feels a little like love. Easy on this one, good kisses are dizzying enough. Don’t try this before or right after Tough but Tender. It will look foolish, and could be potentially damaging to the lady.

Daddy
Daddy is just a hug, but it is the tightest, most full-body hug I offer. I keep my hands open because it increases the hug coverage along with using my head and shoulders to really press that hug in there. Guaranteed to make her feel like a tiny little girl. It is very similar to my hug Hold On! but the cheeks are not touching, no Eskimo kisses, and no hand in the back pocket. This is for when she needs a safe, serious hug.

Some people don‘t name their kisses, but in order to know something you have to call it a name, like how Thor named his hammer or wrestlers name their suplexes. I’m not even telling you some of my more special kisses, like Apollo or Viper, as you will just knock your own wife’s dirty socks off without giving Loland the credit. It’s not really about kisses though, it’s about the sincerity.

10 Things Kids Could Do Instead of Smoking.

2008-07-27T19:31:00.006Z

.
There’s so many things kids could be doing besides smoking!

Kids could be:

Chucking shit at a beehive.

Rhyming using swear words.

Perfecting a new two-handed masturbation technique.

Drinking codeine cough syrup and standing in the exact middle of the park.

Skipping stones. It’s not gay if you’re really good at it. You don't have to skip there or anything.

Going on a homeless watching expedition.

Catching moths and feeding them to Chad’s gerbil Chuckle Chomps.

Discussing the latest Hustler.

Performing pudding-cupilingus.

Checking the factory dumpsters for sharp metal rubbish resembling throwing stars.

Bothering the garbage men. Cripes, I wanted to be a garbage man!

You know what? Fuck it. Kids should smoke.

Kapuchinski Family Heraldic Items

2008-07-25T18:53:00.000Z

The more esteemed and historical the family, the more complex the coat-of-arms chosen to represent it. My family crest is impressive, having been borne in a long line of Crusaders, Philosopher-Kings, Barrel Magnates, plus the regular Sluts and Ball Hogs.

Family motto: Ecce! which is Latin for “Hey you!”

The Falcon Rampart upon a golden egg - the falcon represents skills, the egg, bills.

The man-bear fighting a jackelope - obvious meaning.

Background field of what I think are blue bennys.

Exterior Ornament: A very hairy baby.

A purple tent, because we’re in tents like that.

10 barrels. Why so many barrels? My family was into barrels. Having a barrel was like owning a car back then. Having 10 barrels was like owning a fricking spaceship.

My all-in-one scanner has recently been demoted from 4-function to 2-function, so I can't show you it now, but I will update this post. Do you want a fax?

Powers Received After Being Bitten by a Radioactive Hawkwind:

2008-07-18T00:14:00.007Z

Major Powers:

The Power Hawkwind = The power to grow any moustache instantaneously.

The Power Hawkspace = Teleportation through space, but only from Stonehenge to the Hammersmith Odeon and back.

The Power Huw = The power to summon The Hawkfriends (including Klaatu and those who have been bitten by the Wereslade).

The Power Celestial = The power to completely control, with the mind, all the functions of cellular phones with a Hawkwind ringtone.

Minor Powers:

Instinctive knowledge of how to fly any intergalactic space vessel.

Regrowing bush on shnaved schnizz instantaneously.

Things I had difficulty saying at Summerfest.

2008-07-08T01:10:00.004Z

"Sisyphusian"

"Thistle"

"Familiar"

"Sorry, Officer."

15 Slogans for Drugs

2008-07-01T01:19:00.008Z

.

When Obama legalizes all the drugs the advertisers will need some slogans and copy. I am getting a head start on Madison Avenue.

Witey Crack - If you find fresher, more-high-grade crack, buy it.

Margen-Pfalter Druggists Association - A century of fine German crack.

Golden Farm Ganja - Straight from nature, sun-grown golden dank. Father (opening baggy): "Can you smell the sun, Jessie?" Daughter: "I can daddy. I can!"

Papi G. Black Tar - You looking to get fucked up, esé? Now there's no need to get shot buying the good shit. Don't be a sucka! Ask for Papi G.

Trump Executive Cut Heroin - High rollers know.

Morning Glory Cocaine - The light cocaine, for mornings.

Maxxx Kief - Special Panty-Peeler Blend - Let's get these girls stoned!

Karl of Paris Angel Dust - Time to find your wings!

Jay's Jays - Commercial: An eskimo lady licks a joint wrapper, leaving a lot of brown saliva, and giving the joint to a nervous couple. Later, at a party for pot smokers, the other pot smokers are disgusted by the slimy joint and the couple are embarrassed. Voice-over: Tired of eskimo slime?! Get your self a baggy of Jay's Jays. No eskimos!

Avicenna Pure Indian Morphine - The doctors' choice. "Four out of five doctors who shoot up agree..."

Arthur LSD Drops - Have you ever really seen your hand?

Pennington Row Crack - Oy Guvernor! Just look for the happy crack baby!

Ben Franklin DMT, The N,N Dimethyltryptamine - An infinity of energy patterns that expresses and explains itself with thought streams both visual and logical. "Seriously dude, try Ben Franklin's."

Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

2008-06-18T18:38:00.004Z

A Defense of The Happening

You are all pedantic movie-hating babies. Especially you. I think you are too chicken to suspend your disbelief and open your heart for this corny creepout. You may be looking to knock the king of corny creepouts down a peg or two, but you'll have to wait for it. Marvin Night Shyamalan delivers the goods intact yet again. The Happening is moody and moony, but maintains a level of spooked-out fun as the characters wade through the difficulties of an arcane toxic event. The two protagonists have the small problems in their relationship rendered humorously insignificant by what's happening around them, and love gives them the strength to persevere.

Mark Wahlberg is not Gary Oldman or even Gary Burghoff, but he can definitely add a creaky quiver to his voice. He delivers in the topical intro scene as the high school science teacher who gives a damn and tries to get the kids involved. (It's also good to see the attempt to drop a little science in an increasingly ignorant Hollywood.) Later, Wahlberg's crying is believable. He's Marky Mark and he's here to move you.

People have to die in horror films, otherwise they would stop being being cool and start being as gay as your old grandma. There are expendable characters and Hispanic-American working actor John Leguizamo chose to play one of those roles. What's wrong with that, you tinhorn high-horse cultural fascists? Minorities should appear in films set in the modern United States.

Zooey Deschanel's comely looks are mentioned frequently as high points of the film, but this is sexist objectification. No one seemed to notice she looked really tense throughout the movie. Good acting has limited noticeability.

It doesn't need to be spelled out in boldface.
People need exposition more and more, but that's what kills movies for me. The people who write these things aren't smart enough to hack out realistic-sounding science riffs. Shyamalan gives multiple theories from unreliable sources and never nails it down for us 100%. In the denouement some talking head on a diegetic tv news program exposits "We'll never fully understand it." That's fine with me because it is a movie.

How to watch a movie.
I'm never the one pushing up my glasses, sucking the spit from the sides of my mouth, and asking "Doesn't it seem unlikely those dragons can fly with such massive bodies and such small wings?" because I know that a dragon's bones are hollow like birds' and their muscle fibers are made out of tubes of gas, and they make use of a lot of convection currents and the dragon's stomach functions like a hot air balloon and they are also incredible jumpers, which adds to the flight. Look, I've got a box of no-prizes gathering dust in the back hallway testifying to a personal commitment to being entertained in spite of illogic. I'm not a slacker. I'm doing the work. I'm actively imagining a world in which it can all take place, not railing against how an imaginary world differs from my own.

I liked it.
Marky sings a selection from Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" to convince some shotgun-wielding goober he's not zombified. The little girl they are saving is as cute as three baby bunnies. Marky and Zooey love each other. Nerd as hero. Trees as enemies? Through the confusion, love conquers all... or does it?! Anyway, I liked it.

(It's not without its faults.)
Ferinstance: There is this scene where a lady gets a video zapped to her phone of lions ripping a zookeeper's arms off and it's a real cheapie piece of work. I think they decided not to de-res it -- to make it look like a shaky, blocky realistic cellphone video -- because it's an Iphone product placement. And the bloody neurotoxin victim waddling sleepily around the lion enclosure looks a lot like Chris Elliot doing his Marlon Brando 'banana dance' to 'Alley Cat.'

HEADPHONEGATE!

2008-05-29T19:24:00.006Z

These new headphones are awful, giant pincers that produce sound. I feel as though I am receiving "The Claw" from Baron Von Raschke and I only have to wear the headphones for a few seconds before I start giving up the names and locations of Al Qaeda cells.
And how painful they are is nothing compared to how stupid they look -- 1/2 Dumbo ears, 1/2 lobsided orthodontic head-bridle.
How was I gudgeoned into making such a purchase? Look at this guy.

He's not complaining. This guy loves his swell new headphones. A LOT. I wanted to be him when I saw the Maxell headphones in the bargain rack. And yet the image is a lie! A LIE! The headphones are photoshopped in.

The headphones are not even designed for human heads. This is why I feel like I need to admit that I am a witch before I take them off.

FOR SHAME, MAXELL.
FOR SHAME!

Dinner Party Mix-Tape

2008-05-20T23:57:00.004Z

You have awful dinner parties. You make guests take their shoes off. You serve cocktails in cocktail glasses (too small). You allow your guests to fill up on appetizers and cashews. You put beans in the entree (they make people fart) and your hip-hop is a deterrent to long-form conversation. Let me help, in my small way.

I have rewritten "Greatest Love of All" for zombies.

2008-05-18T23:01:00.004Z

I believe the children are our are future
Use your hands to tear their flesh away
Eat all the organs they possess inside
Give them a sense of dread through your moaning
Let the children's slaughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

[Chorus:]
I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Eating children’s brains
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our are future
Use your hands to tear their flesh away
Eat all the organs they possess inside
Give them a sense of dread through your moaning
Let the children's slaughter remind us how we used to be

[Chorus]

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love.

I didn't have to change it much.

THE FUTURE... OF PORN!

2008-05-16T16:04:00.006Z

I have done a serious study of the internet pornography phenomenon while my wife is in Wausau. I ordinarily don't go for it, as I use the history function on my browser all the time, but this cultural review has been eye-opening. Here are my ideas for where porn can go in the next century.

Twins? Just plain blood-related twins having gay sex? Whatever -- that's barely a step up from incest. I'd like to see conjoined twins going at it. What about Double Siamese? Depending on where they were fused, they'd either line up or have to go turnsies.

Seeing a man 'take charge' by grabbing the head of the woman fellating him is all the rage in porn these days. (The feminists have no one to blame but themselves.) In the future, he will grab her by the eye sockets. That's porn!

There should be black guys with gigantic fake dicks. The future is now. The girls are in on the joke and actually smile, for the beginning part at least, before things get hairy.

These 'on the face' pullouts are clumsy, and therefore less romantic. The future of porn is internal money shots using tiny cameras, x-rays, and clear plastic skin on the abdomen. Voila! The romance is back!

Shaved orangutans.

New Rating: NSFHE -- Not safe for your home, either. Don't tell Dateline!

Friends episodes in which the clothing is digitally removed. Schwimmer is removed completely.

Toddler porn, (For showing to toddlers. Nothing dirty, just a lot of bright colors and happy songs. They are addicted to that shit.)

Alien Autopsy Uncensored

"Delivery room" sex scenes, where the baby has to slide out on the penis like a fire pole.

In Search of: Goatse. Why do I want to know his real name? What makes him tick, besides the obvious?

A monkey riding a dog. (On a tiny monkey saddle. Nothing dirty. A smile is like an erection on your face!)

Asians with huge cocks (CGI).

Plant porn (like a tape of Broccoflower getting made).

A guy who is accidentally sent to a woman's prison. (His name is Pat or Terry or Tony or something else gay, and there is a mix-up or clerical error... Who am I kidding? I've written the entire script. Call me, Porn Syndicate!)

Happy Belated Mother's Day

2008-05-13T14:55:00.001Z

Strophe: I would go on a date with your moms but I don't have change of a five.

Antistrophe: I would go on a date with your moms but I don't have change of a one.

Epode: I would go on a date with your moms but I don't have a change for my eyes.

What's the difference between your mom's ass and a hard drive? A hard drive occasionally gets wiped.

Your mom's titties are so small they should be on the Periodic Table.

Your mom's pussy is more played than Parcheesi.

Your scientist mom is so fat she invented an oxygen-rich cookie dough for deep sea snacking. Your mom is awesome!

Your mom's collection of antique wooden "nautical pegs" got a low estimated auction price at the Antiques Road Show because they all smelled like old enchiladas.

Your mom was the third most popular State Fairs-era Foghat roadie passaround.

Your mom's vagina smells so bad I would have to stick a dead skunk up my nose in order to go near it.

Your moms had so many abortions that next time she gets a free one.

Your mom's pussy got so much AIDS I call it "Little Haiti."

I call your mom's underwear drawer "The People's Republic of Shitstainia."

Your mom is as fucked up as the uterus on Jamie Curtis.

Your mom did so poorly on Price is Right that the audience went quiet and Bob Barker was visibly shaken.

Your mom rides a recumbent bicycle.

My TV Show.

2008-05-10T01:00:00.001Z

...So I meet this TV producer and I tell him that he should do a show about me and my crazy family. He says he hears that all the time and what would an episode of the show be like? And I say that he could do an episode about me and my wife's crazy sex life. I just got out of prison, and in prison I got the head of my penis bit off. Not the whole way, but mostly, and you can still see every toothmark, like someone had bitten into a block of cheese, and right in the center of the bite is a little red tube and that's my peehole. I also have swastika tattoos all around my dick and butt. I tell the TV producer I was one of the popular guys in prison.
...With half a head, in order to come, I have to really pound on my wife's ass for hours, which is okay because she is very heavily medicated. She can't even talk or feel anything. I have to ram it like a maniac and me, and other guys I guess, have rammed her so much that her asshole is completely distended--her anus can stick out maybe a foot past her butt. Sometimes I lay her down in the fetal position when she is unconscious and stomp on the distended anus with high heels. She doesn't even notice. Her drug problem, that could be an episode too.
...But it's a family show. We've got this adopted son, although I guess adopted is a strong word. We call him Shitpussy and he's a mongoloid, good for beating on and not much else. Except I've broken his jaw so many times that there is scar tissue up and down his mouth and throat, making it super nice and tight.
..."Stop right there!" says the TV producer. "We'll make a few small changes to it and call it The World According to Jim."

And that's how my TV show got made.

I wrote a poison index.

2008-05-09T23:44:00.003Z

Progressive classifications like the Bristol Stool Scale or the Schmidt Sting Pain Index are used to help doctors. I have written a poison scale to tell a doctor or doctors how poisonous something is.

Poisonesque
Somewhat poisonous
Fairly poisonous
Poisonous -- 'Nuff said
Just plain poisonous
Not just plain poisonous
Really poisoney
El Poisano Grande!

These are not necessarily in order.

Challenge: I will outblog anyone with posts on these topics.

2008-05-08T09:03:00.000Z

How NOT to deal with people crying on city buses.

Cheating at croquet: Master class.

Comparing 1983's Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe with 1985-1988's Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. (Contrasting would be a more appropriate word!)

Training your ferret with beer.

What the noises from the guy upstairs might be. (One-man rodeo?)

How to force DDR2 DIMM chips into DDR3 slots, even though they are specifically designed not to fit in, or why someone would 'force' computer chips into anywhere.

Imaginary friends I stole as a kid.

Fish: How long can they live on english muffins?

How to guess if a house is a crack house or not: Master class.

Espanol el Apprendio de Nuevo Harold y Kumar Contrabando - Subtitulada

2008-05-07T01:58:00.009Z

¡Guarda la pipa! - Hide the bong!

Amor dura - Tough love

Nada arriba - Topless

Necesito drenar la vena principal. - I gotta drain the main vein.

¿Que demonios? - What the heck?

¿No es una fogata del Ku Klux Klan? - Did we just walk in on a Ku Klux Klan bonfire? -- Ay-yi-yi!

15 Gasoline Slogans

2008-05-06T05:58:00.003Z

When was the last time you heard a really good gasoline slogan that made you want to go out and buy tons of gas?

Carleton House Gasoline: It's the reason to buy a car.

Plymouth Rock Gas: Now you've got gas!

RWB Gas: Regular Gas for Proud Americans

Monsieur Karl of Paris Gasolines: Careful! Eez Flammable!

Fentlyr's Gas Products: Fentlyr's is the Gas That Takes You Places.

Blue Sky Gas: The Cure for "Tired Car Syndrome."

Gas City Gas: The Future of Gas... Is Now!

Pall Mall Gas: We Still Use Wooden Derricks and Wells.

Family Gas: Safe for kids!

Blackman's Gas: Formulated with Clocktane for quick starts and stops. Why would you spend more?

Gas Depot Gas: A name you can count on. A gas you can trust. Gas Depot Gas: The 'good gas' gas people.

Now We're Cooking Now!: Summer Sausage

2008-04-29T01:33:00.004Z

Summer Sausage is Nature's perfect food. It is as hearty as the pioneer spirit of America. It lasts longer than Castro, and unlike Disney's head, it needs no refrigeration. It is as flexible as my high-school girlfriend, and just as cheap. It lends a rustic air to any dish in which it is featured.

Summer Sausage Carbonara - Employ your favorite carbonara recipe, (mine comes out of a little packet) but use summer sausage instead of bacon. Another benefit of summer sausage over bacon is that it accepts a fork better. You can use it to cap a twirl of noodles and shovel peas on. I don't just add a few peas for color either. I like two or three peas to pop in my mouth every bite. Peas taste pretty bad, but the pop makes it fun.

Spaghetti Meat Sauce - I add a tube of ground turkey strictly for texture, because with some cubed SS, we got the flavor covered. I use Paul Newman's sauce and fresh green peppers. I serve it with anchovy garlic toast - pan fry some garlic in butter, then smush up a tin of anchovies in it and smear it on toast. Who's rustic?

Loland's Fresh Blood - I make unreal Bloodies. I have a juicer, of course. If it plugs in I own it. The way I make this tasty drink is at odds with my not being a California fancy pants, but trust me. You could use no-salt V-8, but trust me. If you can stomach sickly sweet store-bought mix, with its high-fructose corn syrup and lack of zing, then perhaps you are not the person Loland had in mind when he invented this beverage. This cocktail is meant for chillingly critical gourmands and non-smoker supertasters. Fresh juiced tomatoes and peppers really pop with pep and fresh flavor. Red bell peppers cost way more but adding juiced green peppers sullies the deep red color. Juice hot peppers, radishes, and carrots, too. Carrots balance out the heat, plus all that jazz is heart-smart. Mix the vodka and juice and refrigerate. Muddle a sugar cube in some worcestershire and Tabasco in a lowball glass heavily rimmed with celery salt. I use frozen cooked shrimp, frozen summer sausage cubes, and cold pickles instead of ice. The shrimp and sausage are unfrozen and perfectly flavored by the end.

Summer Sausage Vinaigrette - It's hot bacon vinaigrette, served warm, but with shredded summer sausage instead of bacon. There is less grease to render out of the sausage so you'll need more olive oil.

Summer Squash and Summer Sausage Jambalaya. Both summer sausage and summer squash have summer in their names! Isn't that great? Oddly enough, this is more of a fall dish.

Summer Sausage Pizza Bake! This is self-explanatory. Pizza Bake!

Picnic Table Stew - They call this Frogmore Stew, but there are no frogs in it. They also call it a Low Country Boil. Or Bedford Stew? Regardless, skin a stripe in a few Red Potatoes and boil with thick slices of the old Summer Sausage. Add some Old Bay or some other spices. Then add corn on the cob. Then at the end add some shrimp or crawdads until they are done. And here's the fun part, just dump it out over some newspapers on a picnic table. Serve with crusty bread. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more rustic, there I go!

Fucken ay, just put the summer sausage in a bowl and pour milk on it.
It's the best.

I wrote some kōans.

2008-04-28T08:59:00.005Z

What is the sound of one tooth clackering?

There is a kōan in here somewhere.

The root word of "impossible" is "possible."

Checkitty check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Bodhidharma crossed the Yangtze River and came to the kingdom of Qi. He just just parked on some dude's lawn, using his hazards.

Rainy days used to make me sad, but not since I started growing alfalfa.

Student: Are you taking a shower? Al Jaffee: Shower? I thought this was a phone booth and I came in to make an obscene phone call.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

McGriddle farts smell exactly like McGriddles. The body has no idea how to process them. It's a kōan for your GI tract.

15 Things My Wife Said During the NFL Draft

2008-04-27T19:12:00.004Z

Jane is sharing my interests.

Go Packers!

I hope he doesn't get cocky about being drafted first.

I would never trade my first round draft pick. In football, or in anything.

With a name like Shawn I thought he'd be Irish.

Where would you like to go if you were drafted? I'd pick New York.

COMMENT TOO RACIST TO REPEAT (Unintentional, of course!)

More quarterbacks, please!

Oh my God! That's where Poppy went to school! I have to call her.

Poppy on the phone: They draft them? Even if they don't want to play?

Jane: They draft them so they don't have to pay them as much.

I can't believe Danny Woodhead hasn't been drafted. He's sooo cute.

Who else, that I would know, has won the Theisman?

That guy is fast!

Is that Tiki Barber's brother? (Go Jane!)

I love her.

I was beaten by my father.

2008-04-25T11:08:00.010Z

A Poem about Abuse

I was beaten by my father.
Why, papa, why?

I was beaten by my father.
Checkers, tennis.
You name it.
Horse AND pig.
Run Yourself Ragged.
Tri-ominoes.
Balderdash, the hilarious bluffing game.
No quarter asked or given.
Scotland Yard -- which clearly states on the box
"A compelling detective game for ages 10-adult."
Yet I was compelled to play it at nine.
I could not help my little brother,
who was yet a tender seven,
And was often beaten badly.
I still cry when I hear the pop
Of a pop-a-matic bubble
Leaking my insides like a broken plastic sand-timer.
Father had no patience
For Risk or Monopoly, at least,
And he wouldn't play us in Atari.
The joystick conveniently made his hand hurt,
But we were used to the pain.
He would beat us savagely
Even in games based mostly on chance,
Hurting us all the more.
Mom would just watch helpless
Making a casserole,
Laughing
When we would joke to cover our suffering.

I was beaten by my father,
Who claimed often that he loved me.

I was beaten by my father.
Why, papa, why?

50 Other Things That Won't Get Me Boing-Boinged.

2008-04-23T16:20:00.033Z

They have earned my emnity since I got denied. I sent them this...

Not photoshopped. Okay, I straightened it.

Wha-at?! Classic 60's Archie popping quaaludes ain't Boing-Boing enough? Two girls for every guy, peer pressure, and tranqs. It's not as good as Mickey attempting suicide but it's worth a shout-out. Anyway, they'll feel my wrath, just like God feels my wrath when I shake my fist at the sky.

Can't the Boing-Boing crew take a picture where they are backlit or something?! Couldn't they pretend to be cool for just the one second it takes to take a picture? Why don't they just wear two pairs of glasses each and propeller beanies?

I don't like ads. I don't even like to know they exist. They upset my delicate sensibilities. I don't like ads or drafty rooms and I'll just scream if I'm anywhere near a pigeon. The internet is where I go to be free of ads. They're sneaking them in now cause they know they can, cause they got us hooked on the vids. Those sweet sweet funny crazy vids. That's called the comeback and it's what smack dealers use on their clientele. Shame-Shame.

The links to average artists' work seem suspiciously like ads. I like neat art so just pick me a winner. Half a second of screen change is too much for me. I'm not being sarcastic--it is. Me, I like to scroll. That's why they call me Easy Scrollin' Loland.

DRM, DMCA, RIAA, etc. still going strong. Copyright lawyers are ten times smarter than copyfighting bloggers and not even half as lazy.

I say "seen it, seen it, seen it" when I hit this site ever since digg and reddit got going.

In Neuromancer the technology was nonsense. Literally transparent. Gibson, more of a social fictioner, became scientifically literate only later in the game.

Lovecraft was overwrought in proportions unspeakable... Oo, I guess it happens. I'm not counting this one.

I bought these SWAT boots I saw on Kevin Kelly's Cool Tools in my gayest second ever. They also have a 14-hole-to-zipper conversion kit that I seriously considered for my fifth gayest second ever.

Mark Fraunfelder considers himself an illustrator but his illustrations are all cheesecake and robots. Is he doodling on his folder during phonics class? Isn't there an age cutoff point for cutesy-wootsie?

This website is full of thetans. The late Amazing Randee would think I was a sucker but I'd like to see his e-meter readings!

Terrorists walk among us and I think the best way to stop them is hassling people who take photographs in public places. The Government agrees with me, and has there been another 9/11? (I don't mean just the date, that happens every year. I mean crazy blowing-up stuff stuff.) Only a little! Thanks Government!

Too many pity-generating tributes to dead or dying sci-fi writers. Sci-fi writers' lives always end alone, diseased and penniless. This is as it should be for those who kick against the pricks. There is noble honor in that death.

I know Neal Stephenson. We were neighbors growing up in West Allis. He was removed from public school (punched a teacher) and sent to Ethan Allen School for Boys in Wales, WI, which used to be a tuberculosis sanitorium, where he eventually got a tattoo on his fucking neck at age 13. Even though we used to be close, after his first year at Ethan Allen Neal Stephenson came back and gave me the nickname Stinky Butt. I blame the system. Although in all fairness to the system I did not always wipe my butt thoroughly after making a dunky, which is what we called pooping in those days.

Corey Doctorow's fiction is easily available due to willy-nilly Creative Commons licensing (so we all know it's utter crap). Corey, you aren't a sci-fi writer with a sales blog, you are a professional blogger, who dabbles in crap.

Did Loland mention he a balls-out straight hater? Now you got the news, Boing-Boing--Low K is bulldoggin'. My grill up in this, bulldoggin'.

I would totally introduce my plant-nerd friend Clayton to Xeni Jardin. (He's fat.)

You know who went to Disneyland a lot? Rich kids. Hate to drop the R-bomb but there it is.

Macs are for rich kids, or worse, cultists. Cultists want to be in on something. Boing-Boing, for instance.

Last I heard, Apple and Disney are corporations. No need to to put their dicks in your mouth unless they pay for the privilege. Even then leave some space.

Mobile posting sponsored by Microsoft. 'Nuff said.

Nintendo was for air-conditioned fat kids. Everyone at Boing was either super fat or super skinny as a kid, guaranteed.

It might be nice to have a Big Brother looking out for you. We've got the wallscreens already and I love them. I'm like the one Julie Christie in Fahrenheit 451--I can't wait to get a bigger one so I can be closer to my television family. Dystopia might be all right.

I think atheists are atheists because they masturbate a lot, and they would feel ridiculous if they believed God was watching. (It's a cross to bear. I swear, sometimes I feel like I am masturbating with an ancestor's cold dead hand.)

Agnostics need to shit or get off the pot. There will be no pleading plausible deniability to a wrathful God at the End of Days.

Bums are performance artists and vice-versa.

Graphic novels are comic books. Comic books are for kids. They are, you know.

Computers used to suck, and now they're good. Not the other way around. Getting wistful about old computers is misplaced nostalgia. No-stalgia? Nauseastalgia? No time to sniglet! I'm bulldoggin'!

Canadian! J'accuse!

Bruce Schneier is a security expert? I'm no Jimmy Snuka, but I'm pretty sure I could beat the shit out of him.

The Church of the Subgenius is just the lazy man's Discordianism, which is the poor man's Existentialism, which is Dada's dumb-but-haughty sister.

Marijuana is mostly used for non-medical purposes. Like writing weblogs.

HOWTO divide a freezer-bag into individual servings before freezing? Super! HOWTO set up a DIY abortion clinic? Really? So close to Prom?

Philip K. Dick was against abortion. What's so great about abortion anyway?

The Dalai Lama is against abortion. Did you know his first name is "Jetson?"

Women don't even go on your site.

Boingers are not Nerds. Nerds do hard science for a living and talk ONLY in moonman science talk. They don't deign to stupefy themselves with common conversation, and they can be respected for that. They actually hate to be confused with fanboy-geek types. I know...

Me: "Are you going to see that (Such & Such Sci-fi Movie) when it opens this weekend?"

Nerd relative: "I'm attending a lecture in India."

Boing is geeks, a band higher in frequency and lower in power on the unmagnetic spectrum of disassociated culture... of people who were picked on as kids. Geeks are dilettantes who get overexcited about their cool new thing and spittacles form on the edges of their lips when they sputter about it. I can practically see the flaky crust on the corners of the screen.

If you graphed the only eleven subjects they post on, then you would be just as bad.

What is the point of a watch that is hard to read? It's like wearing cologne that's hard to smell. Okay, I see it. Can't hate on the crazy watches. I'm not counting that one toward the 50 but I'm still bulldoggin'. I'm like a Tiger ripping into Boing-Boing's flesh with my claws and fangs and Tiger sword.

Somewhere out there there is someone actually masturbating to "2 girls, 1 cup." I bet it's a dude, I bet he's got one of his mom's turds in his mouth, and I bet he reads Boing-Boing...

More people see Goatse than the Pieta. Tubgirl is this culture's Grande Jatte. Ask yourself: Should this be a meme? Should I help to spread this?

...and Rick Astley's back. Thanks a lot!

Free e-books are free for a reason. There are some old broken frames out by my garbage cans that I have freed from their legal constraints, isn't that great?!

If you go to Burning Man you will see a lot of penises. They should really be put away when not in use.

Linux is still not an option for most users. I installed it... "What do you mean I can't play games?" If you want something for free you have to steal it.

Teller doesn't talk because he has a voice like a little girl.

Game designer Marvin Glass refused to pay licensing fees to Rube Goldberg for Mousetrap...

It was not because Rube Goldberg stole his famous idea from limey Heath Robinson. Rube's other works were infantile--Boob McNutt, Professor Butts...

They're doing this retrospective on their BoingTV, which has only been around for 6 months. That's not a retrospective. That's a currentspective.

Steampunk is for geek dandies. Like being a geek isn't bad enough, you gotta sissify it? Stick it in your electric ascot, Nemo!

Boing-Boing is very Web Number 2.0

Who helped the most after Katrina? Wal-Mart.

Who hires all the poor people? Wal-Mart. They don't read Boing-Boing I guess. Idiots!

I bet they all ride recumbent bicycles at Boing-Boing. They don't know it, but that's like the worst insult ever.

Ten seconds after I post this all Boing-Boing's servers will fry from shame. The bloggers' laptops will be found on the floor next to a pile of computer chips, having done the honorable thing. I will receive super secret emails from their girlfriends and common-law wives, and more importantly, their advertisers. Then I will become what I beheld until my place on top is wrested by some new hotshot hater.

All Four Burners: Ten Minute $3 Full Breakfast

2008-04-21T08:21:00.009Z

I am one-third Scottish, one-third Jewish, and one-third Dutch. As such, I am the cheapest man in the universe, always trying to figure out how to save three cents on a length of pipe. Time is money, so I have to do things fast fast fast. I've got other things to do. I mean, lists of penis euphemisms don't write themselves. I make this easy, tasty, heart-smart daystarter all the time. This actually takes me more than ten minutes because if I use the toaster, microwave, and coffeemaker at the same time I would blow a fuse. You probably don't live in a hovel, though, so it should take you just ten.

Pan 1. - Potato Crepe.
Mix mashed potato flakes with water and onion powder until it is as runny as milk. Mix in egg. Pour thin sheet into heated, oiled pan. Crispen then flip. Use your extra-slippiest teflon-coated pan because old boy is sure tough to flip without.

Summer Sausage Goddam Rules.

Pan 2. - Crispy Summer Sausage and Breakfast Vegetables.
Summer sausage is cheaper, quicker, healthier, easier, meatier, and kosherer than bacon. Julienne the sausage (thin strips) and fry, shaking the pan frequently. Add mushrooms, cap side down, once the sausage has let go some of its grease. Add onion wedges a few minutes after (I like my onion to still have a little bite). Add grape tomatoes a few minutes before serving, making sure that the tomatoes are touching the pan. Be careful when biting into hot grape tomatoes, because if you get a tomato juice burn on your lip it will look just like a cold sore. You can tell them what it really is, but no one will believe you, and shame will be your name and game.

Pot 1. - Frijoles Negros.
Brown crushed garlic cloves in olive oil. Drain most of the bean goo from a can of black beans and dump the rest of the can into the hot pot. Add green pepper and onions, the frozen pre-chopped is fine. Add more spices. Stir lightly and frequently. Serve with Beano, because you're eating eggs too and no one likes egg farts. There is something disconcerting about farts that smell like food you've consumed.

Pot 2. - Loland's Hand-Mixer Mock Souffle.
Mix eggs, dollop sour creme, dollop water, dash cornstarch, dash white vinegar, dash no-salt dry butter flavor granules, and dash no-salt Ms. Dash spice blend. Use a metal hand mixer to blend in deep pot. Heat slowly, continuing to blend with hand mixer. This results in a light egg foam. Salt and sprinkle on cheese while still hot. Dot with Tabasco before eating. This egg recipe is awesome and I invented it. I am letting you in on it because I am sweeter than breezes through the honeysuckle.

4-slice Toaster - Buttered Toast and Flapjacks.
I call them Flapjacks because that's what Paul Bunyan called them. Frozen toaster flapjacks, French toast, and waffles are just as good as the ones you make yourself. You purists can go jump in the lake.

Microwave - Fruit Compote Flapjack Topping.
Mix handful frozen fruit, dollop orange juice, double pinch brown sugar, pat o' butter, dash vanilla, and pinch cinnamon and nutmeg. Microwave until very hot and let sit for a while. You can put it on the flapjacks. Have a scoop of vanilla ice cream too as long as you are not around anyone who will call you "fatty."

Serve with coffee, milk, AND orange juice. Just like on the back of the cereal boxes. I never skimp on presentation, even when eating alone. Cooking is an art. I would take a picture except for I sat on my digital camera.

Give the lady breakfast!
Provided your last night's date is not too hungover from the Rohypnol to eat, this is the perfect morning fry-up -- impressive, but quick enough to seem like you're not trying too hard. You don't need to mention how cheap it is. Make sure she sees you using all four burners, plus the toaster and microwave. Make sure she sees you crack the eggs two at a time. I swear she will mention that to her friends even before she mentions the size of yer cock.

Come on!

2008-04-17T16:30:00.013Z

Keanu didn't ruin Street Kings because it would not have been very good anyway. No surprises with Keanu's performance though. He's really bad.

There is a point in which Keanu taps another cop on the chest with his fist and says "Come on." A natural enough gesture for most, to spur another person with a small chuck, but Keanu starts his swing too early before his sentence and he keeps his fist on the other officer's chest for too long. He enunciates the words too slowly and separately.

Forest Whitaker can change cadence in the middle of a line, show you angry and nervous simultaneously, even express things unsaid using his face and body. Keanu cannot mimic basic human motion.

In Speed, Keanu calls a large man "Gigantor" in reference to an old cartoon, but Keanu has never made a pop reference in his life. He blurts it out with no rising or falling tone to signify it as humor. Keanu seems to think the man's name is actually "Gigantor." Or maybe he thinks the actor will be replaced after filming with a CGI Gigantor. It is impossible to guess what his character is thinking, because Keanu does not modulate his voice or make facial expressions. Reflect on that and also Keanu's position as a top Hollywood actor, like Hayden Christensen.

Why, Loland, why?
I have a theory: David Geffen shoots his come so hard into the back of a male ingenue's throat that it damages his spine and motor/sensory abilities. He is then given a career as a top actor for disability compensation.

Here are the short jokey movie reviews!

2008-04-16T02:43:00.007Z

Meet the Browns
Tyler Perry continues his one-man war on cleverness.
German Name: Andere Schwarzenfilme!

Jumper
I won't criticize Hayden's performance as I think he is recovering from a stroke or something.
German Name: Nicht Genügend Der Hotty

10,000 BC
More mammoths please! If you can't do more mammoths, then less movie, please.
German Name: Nicht Genügend Der Hotty II

The Hitman
Some of this movie is ridiculous!

Horton Hears a Who!
Seuss movie without hideous frightmasks, but with more padding than a down comforter.
German Name: Der CGI Elefant

There Will be Blood
It was good until I fell asleep. Sorry, Dan! It's okay though: I dreamed I was watching a new Deadwood episode.

Juno
She's pretty fully-realized and eloquent for a teenage slut.
German Name: Jew? No!

Darjeeling Limited
Would make a beautiful silent film.

Leatherheads
Gayer than you'd think.

Drillbit Taylor
Which plays better in the media, a drug overdose or a suicide attempt?
German Name: Superschlechte

Stop-Loss
Daring performances that still blow.
German Name: Wir Toldusoe

21
So the protagnerd loses his V-card to Kate "rocket scientist" Bosworth, but then the dramatic crux of this movie occurs when his fat friends kick him off their science team. ?!
German Name: Schwarzejack

The Mist
Nothing scarier than a mist!
German name: Der Leitrainen

I Am Legend
Fresh Prince wisecracks his way through what is really a love poem to New York City. Love ya Big Apple!
German Name: Ich Bein Ein Jetsfaan

Beowulf
You can see Angelina Jolie's crimp!
German Name: Der CGI Krimpen

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium
Conventional wisdom suggests the dumber a movie is, the more appropriate it is for children. ?!
German name: Wunterplatz Herr Kunterslatz

Fred Claus
This is the kind of Christmas movie Jews make. Stick to the Holocaust flicks!
German name: Weihnacht Haben Ludacris Ein Zwerg?

The Bank Job
Nothing more boring than a true story.

The Golden Compass
We only get a third of a dance with the cool special effects. The rest is just a big cold meander. What would my animal spirit be if I had one? It would probably be something uncool, like a regular cat with a bunch of eye-boogers or a chicken. Everybody would be hanging out with their tigers and falcons and I'd come in and they'd say "Hey look, it's Loland and his chicken." And the chicken would have a French accent, too. Even if there was magic, life would still be the same.

No Country for Old Men
Good, except old men actually love country.
German name: Blut Simplen

National Treasure: Book of Secrets
No Rock II? No Face/Off II? No 9mm? This is the one?

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Alternate Title: From Sarcastic Skateboarder to Scientologist Schlockmeister: The Jason Lee Story

The Bucket List
I would rather listen to the guy upstairs beat his dog than see this film. It's actually pretty funny because it's a little dog and he is an old man and he has to chase it to hit it.

I Wrote Some Dirty Emoticons

2008-04-16T00:57:00.005Z

Filthy emoticons for racists, drug-users, and Frenchmen. 'Nuff said!

[:]

".."

'><'

H:

(*)

(|)

(||)

(\)

{:?

+=-.

VV

!P=

'#,

Novelty Top VII!

2008-04-16T00:52:00.001Z

Novelty Top VI!

2008-04-16T00:15:00.003Z

If Lyle Alzado had tits, they'd look just like Tara Reid's.

Novelty Top V!

2008-04-13T10:22:00.000Z

Novelty Top IV!

2008-04-12T23:11:00.001Z

Novelty Top III!

2008-04-12T05:41:00.006Z

I wrote 25 heretofore unheard-of ways to say "penis."

2008-04-03T07:50:00.012Z

Only the most fecund mind can make a new footprint here.

Urethral Hat & Coat
Me Cockenberries
Indian name: "The-salmon-who-jumps-through-the-bear"
Pants Hog (double meaning) (counting it twice)
Pink Pendulum
Ladies' Tongue Massager
Alt Schwach und Schlaff
Man's Best Dick
The Bell That Never Rings
The Vein, Main
The Rude Tube
The Grand Gland
The Meat near my Feet
A "Freeness"
Udder of One
Bifurcation-by-the-Balls, NY
Homosexuality-Proving Instrument #3
Pale Rider
Itchy Hormel
Unvagina
Ballpeener
Internet Malware Activation Device
Old Mundungus
My Fellas
Dr. Shrinker
Prince Albertless
The Tumescenator
The Little Man with the Lost Hat

What's up with Hayden Christensen?

2008-04-03T01:24:00.007Z

.
Sure, he's dreamy, but he can barely speak. He couldn't act his way through soaking wet toilet paper. He's really really bad. Keanu bad. They shouldn't have let Keanu ruin all the movies he ruined. He's a blight. They should have stopped him after Dracula. They should have stopped him when they found out that "Keanu" was a Hawaiian word meaning "wooden." Hayden and Keanu are ruiners of movies. Ruiners!

I'm trying to get into the story while watching Jumper. I'm not a slacker. I'm doing the work! But every time this Hayden comes on screen, me and my suspension of disbelief get thrown right off the rail. He just mouths his lines with a thousand yard stare, like a kid reading a report to the class. I can't stop thinking "What the hell is going on with the people who make these movies that they can't see how bad he is?" Teleportation! And I can't even get into it.

He is too disrupting to the fourth wall, even a fourth wall as solid as science fiction's. Put him in the chick flicks. An audience of ladies would be too busy thinking about breaking off a piece of his man-candy to mind his monotone delivery and the glassiest of stares.

William Gibson wrote Johnny Mnemonic, which featured Keanu Reeves as a man with no human emotions, or something. Gibson's next work to be filmed, Neuromancer, will star Hayden Christensen. Why doesn't William Gibson get some sort of rider on his next big movie contract that they have to hire a legitimate actor and not some boy toy with dead eyes?

Rachel Bilson isn't very good either,
but I'm going to go ahead and give her a pass.
You go, RB!

Can you catch? Do you have HBO? Will you be my friend?

2008-01-09T11:00:00.000Z

I threw a Snicker bar to my friend in a hammock once. Good throw. Good catch. Good friend. I used to ask "Can you catch?" as a kind of cultural watershed. If the response was "Why can't you just bring it to me?" then they were dead to me, a waste of my precious time.

Now I ask "Do you like The Wire?" You can tell me you only watch real things like reality shows or that The Wire is on the same time as The Reese Preeber Hour, and then that will be it.

The difference between The Wire and anything else on television is like the difference between my fist and your mom's fat ass. The difference between Baltimore and Maryland.

What is especially jarring is the non-token role of blacks. No wisecracking butlers, no sassy mamas, no wise old gelded black men. Television, beblacked yet unWayansed. Multi-faceted roles, Africa-black actors. Should that be jarring? It is frigging insane, for television.

20 Critiques of Critique of Pure Reason

2007-12-27T22:36:00.001Z

Immanuel Kant
après Perèz

Man oh man did I just read a stinker of a book.
Let me kick a little a posteriori.

Reading this book is as interesting as watching an old man think.

Not as funny a book as The False Subtlety of the Four Syllogistic Figures. Which was not even that funny.

800 pages?! You really had something to prove. What, did David Hume nail your high school girlfriend or something?

When I read about time and space, I want to read about some sort of clever villain too, not just the timeliness of time and how spacey space is.

Use of the word 'sensuous' should be reserved for describing titty, not epistemology.

He seemed to be 'phoning it in' when he gets to the part about pure reason as the seat of transcendental illusory appearance. You can tell because it goes from super-boring to so mega-boring you'd need Ludovico lidlocks to keep your glazzies open.

Intuitions without ideas are blind, and ideas without intuitions are empty? Yeah? Tell that to my wife!

"Die Philosophen haben die Welt nur verschieden interpretiert; es kömmt drauf an, sie zu verändern." I won't translate it because it doesn't have umlauts that way.

'Apperception?' I think he made that word up. I think he makes a lot of these words up, except it was so long ago that now dictionaries have these words.

He deconstructs faith to where it can only exist as simple, practical necessity, but he still rigidly believes in God. Well aren't you Practical Pig?

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.

Draw out the six Kantian object terms and their relationships and what do you have? A Star of David. I'm just sayin'!

They designed a special 1-legged stool for people who watched dynamite mixing machinery so they wouldn't nod off, not catch the mixer going haywire, and get blowed up. Why not include a stool like this with the book? Maybe a helmet too, just in case.

Hey, Kant, I've got a schema for you. Next time write a book that doesn't stink!

In all fairness, I always keep a copy of Critique of Pure Reason around so if a robber breaks in I can crush his skull, either with the book or by reading him a few selections.

What's Up with Demolition Man?

2007-12-20T11:21:00.000Z

Mellow Greetings!
Demolition Man may be a spongy grey turd of a movie but it was often on cable during a particularly rainy summer and wormed its way into my head. It remains there still. I read Crying of Lot 49 that summer too, but I have no recollection of anything about it.

Most importantly the Demolition Man pinball game is the best pinball game to have ever been made. I would not say that lightly. No drains, heavy enough to accept a nudge, a pageant of pinball gimmickry, and loud as a damn bomb. Not to mention Wesley Snipes involved himself in its production -- rejecting the original artwork -- which he thought him look mean. Imagine!

When did cryo-technology start in the world of John Spartan, the Demolition Man? 1996! Three years after the movie was filmed. It is ten plus years later and we have still not even started to freeze rogue cops or super criminals.

T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?
Little Girl: Fuck you, lady!

Sylvester says the word 'taco' with this inflection like the first syllable is a question. He has to say 'Taco Bell' twenty times but gets ALL the stresses wrong, showing himself to be not just a wretched acting talent, but an incompetent mimic of the human species.

When he has electronic intercourse with Sandra Bullock,
Sylvester's facial contortions exemplify his acting style.
He is devoid of the self-awareness that would ordinarily define an actor.

Jack Black was in D-Man! I didn't know that until I started my deep-ass research for this weblog entry. He was also in the 'skater' movie Airborne with Seth Green the same year. I learned that Seth Green, in order to get into the part he played in Airborne, 'Wiley,' insisted on being called 'Wiley' at all times, both on and off the set.

The Twelve Drinks of Christmas

2007-12-18T15:29:00.001Z

Here are some non-alcoholic beverages to enjoy the holiday season a little more responsibly with, if you are into that sort of thing.

12. The Lords A' Leaping
Put raisins in a glass of Sprite. Amaze the grandkids with how the raisins rise and fall with the bubbles, just like the Lords A' Leaping from the movie. Works 100 times better with Champagne but don't use Champagne, drunky.

11. The Triple Fizz
2 tablets fizzy stomach medicine (lemon), 2 fizzy arthritis tablets (lemon), 1 fizzy nutritional supplement package (raspberry). Enjoy the fizzing -- it's as exciting as this drink gets.

10. The Bojangles
Just like a Shirley Temple but add bitters and Worcestershire sauce until black. It's pretty tough to drink for having no booze.

9. The Holly-Berry
Same as 10 except add 1/4 the bitters and Worcestershire. Garnish with way too much praise.

8. The Sea Crest
Take a glass of milk and gayen with room-temperature water until completely bland.

7. Thunderbird for Kids
Fill a pewter cup with red grape juice and microwave a few seconds to add a metallic taste. Perfect for your 'little hobo.'

6. The Integrated Cola
1/3 Coke, 1/3 Pepsi, 1/3 RC. It's like homemade store-brand cola!

5. Mr. Claus's Sack
Regular ginger ale but served from a baggie.

4. The No-Gettin-Blitzen
Gin and tonic but use, say, pineapple juice instead of Gin. Or something else. Enjoy your drive.

3. The Krampus
Non-alcoholic beer served piping hot in a mug. It tastes terrible, but AA-type alcoholics and designated drivers are social betas and don't have the status to complain.

2. North Pole Sunrise
Like a Tequila Sunrise but use non-alcoholic Tequila, if there is such a thing. I don't know why there would be, but that's # 2.

1. The Christmas Drink
Any drink with no sweet brown bourbon. Not a drop. If you want to waste ice and time make this drink and drink it.

'Who put this Christmas Drink in my Christmas Drink?!'
.

Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

2007-12-06T08:31:00.000Z

I came up with a great idea for something to be on everyone's bad side about. Michael Vick. Okay, I stole it from Bryant Gumbel on Real Sports.

Originally I was a big fan of the harshness on Michael Vick. Still bitter about the playoff game he won singlehandedly and at Lambeau. Plus Vick is a rich person. I fit central heating, (I've done it now for years. Anyone?) Sometimes I don't buy the hot sauce I like the most, Tabasco, because it is so expensive and I use a lot of hot sauce. So I buy the cheap sauce and feel justified in enjoying the hammer-down on a person who probably has a Tabasco fountain in his bedroom.

I am an animal lover. There is a bar in Chicago that's earned my enmity for the way they treat their moose head. Maybe it's the Comanche in me. It is a noble animal and holiday lights should not be strung around its massive antlers. It should not have fairground oversized sunglasses on it. Sunglasses do not belong on animals! I am against even the bandito moustache. I would sit at the bar, honoring his spirit, thinking "If this moose was alive, he would kill all of you hippies... I hope some skanky girls come in."

I was in Central America and the whole run we were trying to find underground fights or cock fights. This is a request we whispered to taxi drivers. We still offended some cab drivers' sensibilities. One of the cab drivers tried to dissuade us. "No, no. Young girls? 15, 14. Do anything!" he procured. There were teenage girls everywhere who looked like they'd gotten into their mother's makeup. They were standing outside in their underwear at night. Cock fighting was illegal though, and frowned upon.

I am an animal lover and I don't just like the happy things about animals. I love baby bunnies because they're the bunniest -- but I also love to watch animals kill other animals on nature specials. The eternal struggle for survival is the neat part of life in the state of nature. Solitary and poor? Bleh. But nasty, brutish, and short? Fascinating, and a real connection to the animal world. Pet dogs are like how reality TV compares to reality. They are butt-shadows in the cave of the dog. Eunuchs inbred for docility, in complete antithesis to their vital essence. Robbed of blood and cum and shamed and scared into submission to us, to become fat and slug around the apartment until it needs to rest its head on the ottoman from boredom.

Bullbaiting? Bearbaiting? How great would that be? I would root for the dogs, I think, unless there were too many for the brute being baited and it seemed unfair. I bet those dogs, when they fight that bear, would have the best time. When the Hive-mind from the Dyson Ellipse around Mu Arae enslaves humankind and breeds millions of miniature Paris Hiltons, I hope I will be one of the lucky ones who is pitted unsportingly against the nine-tusked Blarg in the sacred ancient battle dome. Oh sure, Loland's crazy because his panties don't get in knots about dog fighting. You know what? You're crazy! You are the crazy one! You watch reality TV and you visit prostitutes and you think dogs belong in a condo.

I have never seen a dogfight. I didn't like Amores Perros but that movie had an anti-dog-killing agenda. I might not like it. I didn't grow up in the ghetto, though. When did that excuse stop holding water? Cripes! I totally forgot to diss PETA. They steal money from legitimate organizations like SPCAs to have ads with nude celebrities who also have a new movie or sitcom coming out or models so dumb their only voice comes from appearing naked. Penn and Teller do it to it:

What is the world coming to?

2007-12-05T17:15:00.000Z

My Grandmother told me the world was going to hell in a handbasket. While you may imagine environmental collapse, an asteroid collision, or the Rapture as our apocalypse, my blood always chills at the thought of planet-sized handbaskets.

At 4:03 he cocks and uncocks his fist.

This dude got a "beat-down" from "girl gang members." You'll have to fast forward through four minutes of bitches yapping at the guy before the first hissy slap. One of the more tuff gals hits him on the head with an empty soda bottle. Damn, girl! I like the part where he gets up, cocks his fist, but just sits back down sweet as pie. Just because she's got a doo-rag on doesn't mean she's not a girl.
He has learned there are people not to be scared of:
1. People with super baggy pants. They cannot run or spread their legs as far apart as they might need to to avoid being knocked over.
2. People with long hair. Unless they know how to use it like a whip, long hair functions pretty much like a handle.
3. Girls.
4. Bikers and other Gangs. Gangs are a largely homosexual enterprise. Early jail time, access to party drugs, fashionable dress, minimal co-ed groupings...

The heroine and her war-bear discuss
A. J. Ayer's philosophy of 'logical positivism'
in this scene from A Golden Compass

A Golden Compass
I love it when I am told not to see some crappy movie I wouldn't see in a hundred years anyway because it is immoral. But A Golden Compass has zeppelins and count-em two (2!) talking polar bears. Ow! Ouch! Phil Pullman has said specifically that he wrote his series of books "...to undermine the basis of Christian belief."
The Judeo-Christian tradition doesn't have a lot of magic talking animals (2?), but magic talking animals are squarely within the realm of religion. Some religions are nothing but. Parallel worlds, ancient prophecies, right and wrong, and allegory as thick as a Baptist hymnal. All religion. Sorry, Phil.
Just try to make a kids' movie about acid-base titrations, Johnny Science. It would blow like your old Grandma. They can't do that, so they just resort to knocking the church here, which they call the Magisterium. I like to root for the bad guys in childrens' films anyways. They always have the better actors. Go Magisterium!

The election...
Isn't for another gaddamn year. Nevertheless, the new media has made real possibilities out of would-be also-rans. If ersatz-third-party outsiders like Kucinich or Paul get elected they will sell out the Beltway Old Guard and the book containing all the dirty tricks of the last 40 years will be opened. If they even try to do what they say, it will shatter the federal infrastructure. I would love that. That's the same side of me that loved 9/11, though, and isn't that what happened to Britain? The divisiveness of third+ parties made that government incapable of doing anything, stripped of patriotism and a permanent lame duck. Or maybe Barack? I love how even liberals call this Senator by his first name. Just like I call my 65-year old black doorman 'Bobby' and he calls me 'Mr. Kapuchinski' or 'Sir.' But seriously, does electing a black president get us whites off the hook in country? I am fine if it's that. I don't want to elect him president and then find out later it doesn't count because he's not black enough. Junior Senators are too shuck-n' jive for the presidency anyway. Too bad Colin Powell never ran (cough-too classy-cough) (cough-complicity in Mai Lai tribunal's failure to sentence-cough).

Ho Ho Ho! 10 Great Gifts for the Holidays this Holiday Season

2007-11-28T00:11:00.000Z

.
I was always told there's more than one way to skin a cat. That is definitely true this season! With all these great choices you're sure to find the perfect gift for the "feline mutilator" among your loved ones this Christmas for the perfect gift so have a great Christmas!

Cat-O-Mat

The original! And just as good!

The Cat Genie

Now with a spatter shield. Clean-up's a breeze! No clean-up!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Jr.

For the novice. You'll be skinning cats in half the time as ordinary!

The Ultimate Cat Machine Pro

For pure cat-skinning power, look no further than this one,
with patented "Cat-A-Minute" technology.

Mr. CatSkinner 5000 by Cheever

Tried and true cat-skinning, every time.
Guaranteed for up to 10,000 cats. Meow!

Gyro-Cat Rotating Cat Peeler

Inexpensive, simple, and quick Japanese import, but skinning the cat
in one long strip is the only option. Perfect for scrapbookers.

Skin That Cat! Executive Edition

For busy people who must skin cats on-the-go.
Convenient, but the cat-compacting mechanism can be a little loud.

Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer

Hands-free cat-skinning at its best. Expensive, but the skinned cats are so good even your old Grandmother would think it was done by a professional. That's why they say "You'll have them all fooled with Don Alexander's Cat-Skinning Computer."

Karl of Paris Signature Set with Platinum Cat-Skinning Hooks

This gorgeous 130-piece platinum set comes in a plush-lined wardrobe. Karl of Paris's name is synonymous with skinned cats and it's no wonder. Talk about quality!

Many thanks to those corporations and companies that contributed these fine products for my testing of them so have a great Christmas!

Loland Kapuchinski: Devil's Advocate

2007-11-27T05:52:00.001Z

Saudi Court Sentences Gang Rape Victim to 200 Lashes

Now when I first read that headline I was like "Wahabbi-Whaa-at?!" The Internerdosphere had a field day about this, our President's latest atrocity by proxy.

Atrocity seems like something larger-scale. Like if they lined up and killed the last nine crazy-ass Jews that still live in that country. And atrocious isn't bad enough a word -- that's how I behave at Christmas parties. It seems impossibly insensitive after a rape -- but is it backwards?

Saudis have a law that says no single woman of a certain age (young enough to be worth the effort of raping) can hang out with men without a cousin or chaperone. Is it backwards? It is just as backwards to have a law saying you can't hang out with a bunch of crocodiles. You gets into a car with 4 crocodiles and you takes your chances.

I have had rapes described to me and I have to internalize the "Well OF COURSE you got raped!" response. I fell out of a tree once and cried to my mother and she asked "What were you doing in a tree?"

Tori Amos shouldn't have given that dude she just met a ride. Jodie Foster shouldn't have slutted it up in a bar full of dudes and no women in The Accused. The Accused is based on a completely different real-life story of a woman who was just minding her own business buying cigarettes and got raped. I think even King Abdullah Ibn-Saud would give her a pass -- that's terrible!
.

10 Reasons I Quit NASA to Become a One-Man Band

2007-11-16T19:30:00.000Z

No more salad bar.

Way less free tee-shirts than when I started.

They be straight tripping at the NASA.

I started calling it 'The NASA' then everybody started calling it 'The NASA' and now it is old old old.

The low quality of my work and my ability to shield that news from my superiors would have eventually resulted in the death of an astronaut. Not some dick that works at Cousins -- an astronaut.

Old computers. Green computer screens? The girls showing their junk in Hustler now weren't even born when NASA bought this stuff, and girls in Huster then are now too old to give you a hard on. (That's how Loland tells time -- with Hustler magazines.)

I embarrassed myself at the first NASA picnic and I never fully recovered. It was during the egg carry. I was on angel dust and couldn't stop yelling at the spoon, who was bragging that he had had intercourse with my high school girlfriend. She was a slut, but a spoon? It just hit a sore spot I guess. Later we made friends -- good friends -- but two years ago he moved, literally, to Alaska. I guess I may never see Spoonthew 'Spoony' Utensilman again. Oh, Spoony, mais ou sont les neiges d'antan? Sigh. I get so wistful on angel dust.

Being a One-Man Band has less stringent punishments for misconduct.

No one will ever ask me again if I am using drugs. If they do I will just say "Uhhm... One-Man Band?"

A train whistle sounds just like a train. It knocks them dead in 'She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain!' (If you are another One-Man Band then please don't steal that bit!)

I have written a tambourine/concertina/castanet/football rattle/trumpet connected to an underarm bellows/bass drum 'piece' about NASA that will be a hit because it comes from the heart.

Four words: One-Man Band conventions.

I will get more exercise as a One-Man Band. The only exercise I got at NASA was running out the door at exactly 4:30.

If there are a bunch of old people around you play 'On Top of Old Smokey' and if it's a bunch of kids you play 'On Top of Spaghetti.' My game is tiz-ight!

Is it goofy? Carrying an elbow-operated bass drum on your back while keeping time for long periods is, when you think about it, not unlike what Marines do in training. Are the Marines goofy?

The traditionezi of the One-Man Band has its storied origins in the Ottoman Sultanate's Janissary Band Corps of the 14th Century. Whereas NASA has only been around for about 12 years.

I was unlikely to ever take a space walk or even go on that zero-g plane. There would be no "Put me in, coach!" Rudy moment (unless I impersonated a 'valid').

I am not one of those jackasses that insists on being called a simultaneous multi-instrumentalist and if that makes me politically correct I don't even care.

Eventually I may rise to the Holy Grail of One-Man Bandom -- a salaried employee of a Renaissance Faire.

I'm a loner... a rebel. One-Man Bands are the true punks.

My dream to be a One-Man Band is as beautiful as the glissando of the slide whistle, as clear as the din of the triangle on my left shin, as clever as the high-hat on my head, and as enchanting as the chorus from 'Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts.'

When my wife divorces me I will be free to date younger girls.

Nicknames I Have Given Over the Summer

2007-10-29T05:52:00.001Z

At work and co-ed sports leagues I meet a lot of guys named Steve and Matt and Paul. In other words, people who need nicknames. A nickname from me is a gift and it is always perfect because I am the best nicknamer in the world. Here is a recent selection:

Snappo
Mitch
Ocho
Green Hat
Woodstock
Cut Rate
Orange Peel (freckled, age 10)
Booj
Trespass
Pants
Reagan
Milk Moustache
Stairwell
Pat O'Butter (age 90)
Spindrift
Spills (also Spillsworth)
Smirky
Murgatroid (age 6)
Suspenders
California
Business Suit
Parvenu
Beardly
Fouler
Spooky D (goth kid, age 16, also Squirrelly D)
DuShambles (named DuFresne)
Doubler
Two Fist
Dink and Duff
Stalkie
Big Bird
Screaming Patty
Chitch
Pills
CJ
24
Pool
Ching Chong
Eddie's Brother
Hoss
New Nick
Black Adam
Sherpa
Pook

Youtube fugue is a common phenomenon.

2007-10-26T22:18:00.000Z

I like my media like I like my hamsters -- small and fuzzy.

Lessons Learned from Big Trouble in Little China

2007-10-23T15:22:00.000Z

'Kind of' Invincible

A brave man likes the feel of nature on his face. And a wise man knows when to get in out of the rain! -- This is a good quote to use when it rains but you'll probably have to explain it. (The world is full of Philistines. I don't know why.)

Okay I really didn't learn anything. Except Kim Cattrall be finger-lickin' stinky hot back then. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, ladies.

God Bless Christopher Hitchens

2007-10-17T16:47:00.000Z

I don't like agnostics. Wishy-washy broken ladders. A mind is like a parachute: it should only be open in emergency situations. Otherwise I seal my sweet-ass brain up and viciously fight anyone who tries to hamstring me with cognitive dissonance.

This is why East-coast liberals have all the neuroses. Rich but educated, thusly they are aware that the easy life they enjoy is the direct result of war, colonialism, trade imbalances, use of petrochemicals, child labor, strip-mining, slavery, etc... Every childhood joy or personal triumph was created by the American eagle-monster that they can reject only philosophically while it cleaves them to its warm breast and suckles them with the sweet milk of ipods and curbside garbage collection. If you ever try to eat good surf 'n' turf at a four-star restaurant while philosophically rejecting the same meal, you know how awkward it can be. You must ignore the relationship between the food that goes into your mouth and the politics that come out, so you have to focus on something else, quick, to fill the gap.

Christopher Hitchens (Chitch) is like the man who gets a second, bigger, uglier tattoo to prove the first ugly tattoo was a good idea. Absolutely no dissonance. Chitch is meditative. His cognitive assonance has allowed him to achieve deep personal levels of faith in his atheism. He elevates the belief with his purity of vision. It's a religion to him, so defined that he hates people of other religions -- just for their religion! Just like a real religion! In this video clip, Chitch castigates other atheists for their faithlessness. Look at him preach! I love this tippling, fire-breathing crackpot bastard!

Wait, did he just use the word 'no-brainer' without irony?

Oops! My bad.
Okay. I guess I was wrong in my newfound love for Chitch. He is a funny guy, but maybe I was just excited he was in Wisconsin. That's exactly why you shouldn't incorporate politics inexorably into your personality.

On the whole, I am not so Raven.

2007-10-14T22:43:00.000Z

I own a collection of over 50 legwarmers and colorful toe-socks.
That's so Raven of me!

I own an unlicensed 19-round Glock 28. I rechambered it to take .40 rounds.
Not very Raven of me.

I started an environmental club called EarthTeenz. We met Al Gore!
That's so Raven of me!

My dense, hearty bowel movements are completely unflushable anywhere on Earth except the largest American cities.
Not very Raven of me.

I tried to fool my Mom and Dad into thinking I had gotten an "A" on my geometry exam so I could go on an unchaperoned overnight trip to Disney World, the most magical place on Earth. They found out, grounded me, and I learned a valuable lesson about telling the truth.
That's so Raven of me!

I had the words "Fucked at Birth" tattooed in gothic blackletter on my neck and a dragon tattooed on my cock and balls.
Not very Raven of me.

I didn't have a date for Lupe's sweet sixteen party, so I blackmailed my neighbor's older exchange student Ernesto to go with me.
That's so Raven of me!

I have never suggested that 'dating' should be the primary concern of children. A hollow laugh track does not follow every sad, meaningless, mean comment I make as a pretense of humor. I am not a wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Corporation. I can out-sing Hannah Montana. I do not look like I am going to gain 25 pounds in the next five seconds.
All not very Raven of me.

20 Horrible Things to Say to Zenn-Lavians

2007-10-10T11:48:00.000Z

The eternal balance of cosmic energies must be kept in harmony. Who are you to confound the ancient cosmic ways? Galactus was wrong to spare you -- no offense.

Me, I'm a Skrull man. Always have been. Go Skrulls, I say.

You found on Zenn-La that a Utopian technological society breeds malaise and apathy. I know how you feel, because I am from West Allis, Wisconsin.

How long did it take the World-Devourer Galactus to consume your planet? I bet it would take twice that to consume the Earth. Because we got heart!

Top five best planets: Earth, Skrullos, Mars, the Shi'ar Throneworld, and Ur-anus... of a homeworld Zenn-La. Gotcha! No, I love Zenn-La, I do. It's just all those Zenn-Lavians! Just kidding! But seriously your people are pretty bad.

I heard that on Zenn-La you were humanoid in appearance. I can see that is not true, with your enormous heads and pointy butt-noses. See if you can borrow some old masks from Kang.

I read in InTouch that Shalla-Bal and the Silver Surfer have called it quits. You people are just like that, huh?

How many Zenn-Lavians does it take to screw up a light bulb? It's a joke, they don't have light bulbs on Zenn-La. Because they are all a bunch of suckass hippies.

Silver Sentinel of the Spaceways? More like the Sliding Spazz of Sappy Space Smellodrama Stupid enough to get Stuck in our Solar System.

Back to Svalbard! Oh wait, that's an horrible thing to say to polar bears. I meant: Back to the Deneb system!

When my old awful boss Ron used to tell me to herald the destruction of worlds, I just told him I was on a break. That's what Silver Surfer should have done with Galactus.

I would call you a Zenn-LAME-ian, except it might offend the sentient squid-beings of Zennlamia.

I saw this Zenn-Lavian dude hitting on a human woman at a club once. Me and my buddies fucked him up but good. I got no problem with Zenn-lavians, just keep your filthy cosmic hands off our womenfolk. Ya Hear?

If you want to herald a planet's destruction by a world-devourer, hire a Xandarian. If you want a long prose poem that on how lonely it is is space, get a Zenn-lavian. It's just how it is.

Do Zenn-Lavians really live for a thousand years? It might just feel that way, because I've been at this party talking with you for 10 minutes and it feels like an eternity.

It seems an all-powerful galactic entity wishes to destroy the Earth every few weeks. Do we trade our humanity to save it? Do we sell out? No. We fight. Selling out is in your blood. You are a planet of Hetfields and Ulrichs.

I have a piece of debris from Zenn-La after it was destroyed in my pocket here. I was hoping it would kill you. You know, like Planet Krypton... What do you mean you've never heard of Krypton?

Did Galactus really create a barrier that kept Silver Surfer from leaving Earth? Because I know an Australian guy named Gary who says he was kicked out of Australia, but I'm pretty sure he's here in Wisconsin because the fruity accent is a hit with fat chicks. Did the Silver Surfer's accent get more or less Zenn-Lavian while he was here?

I got my girlfriend one of those knitted Zenn-Lavian handbags that were so popular a few years ago and it unraveled while she was in Panama. She lost her passport, so thank your homeworld when you get back there. And when are you going back to your homeworld?

LIE$!

2007-09-21T13:59:00.000Z

.
Things I don't believe, in reverse order of importance.

I don't believe in weeping eggplant of its 'bitter' juices. It is poetic -- salt, bitter tears, and time -- but unnecessary. I used to until an easy experiment. My 'control' eggplant half tasted less salty, but there was no bitterness.

I don't believe in the two party system or even voting. I can't imagine standing in a line for the privilege of choosing between Roger Healey and Howard Borden.

I don't believe Facebook is worth a billion dollars. There are plenty of friendster-clones and there will be plenty more to come, and the thing about the internet is that it is free. You ain't monetizing jack.

I don't believe Halle Berry is black. Too much cream in the coffee. I don't go around telling people I'm Comanche. Angela Bassett would have made a much better Storm because she is black and physical instead of a scrawny pale runway stickwoman. Angela also acts, as opposed to HB's actressing.

Finally and most significantly, I don't believe the instructions on jumper cables. It sucks for girls, because they follow the instructions and then need a man to jump their cars for them. A penis is like a little Prometheus that tells you to see through the safety bullshit.

.Yes and no, Virginia...

I wrote a letter to Steve Wozniak.

2007-09-19T17:56:00.001Z

Steve,

What? Wha-aat? The big red horse-face lady from tv? She's an icon for gays, but that just means she's horribly unattractive. Those sensitive queers and their pity laughs! No no no you're too smart. Sure, she's "funny," in a basic way. Like someone's cold sore is funny. But Kimmel's not balling ALL the decent-looking comediennes.

Kathy Griffin (post-surgery)

Get over whatever esteem blocks you're stumbling on and get with the BILLIONAIRE program. She's using your name and public image for bits on Larry King! You've embarrassed yourself enough. Drop her like something hot (pretend!) and tell all your friends it was a big goof. "I only let her blow me" is an unassailable excuse and has worked for some jams I've been in. You're welcome.
C'mon, Woz,
LK

My Interview with Neal Stephenson

2007-09-15T00:30:00.000Z

Neal Stephenson, the writer, is gifted with an extraordinary mind that can parse complex social, historical, and technological currents and fuse them into engaging fiction. His intense intelligence has made him seem prickly in the interviews he seldom gives. But this particular evening at Magoo's in West Allis I met a completely different Neal Stephenson -- the Neal Stephenson I went to grade school with.

LK: Neal, do you realize you have the same name as a famous science-fiction writer?
NS: He doesn't spell it the same.
LK: I think he does.
NS: I never met anyone who spells it like us.
LK: Well...
NS: You want a shot? What shot?
LK: Whatever you're having. Have you ever heard of Second Life, Neal?
NS: Like heaven and hell? What the fuck? And call me Steve. You're the only fucking one that still calls me Neal.

I get the feeling Neal is uncomfortable talking about Second Life, just like the other Neal Stephenson.

LK: What do you think about William Gibson?
NS: Was he in our grade? Or was he in Rudy's class? You and Rudy used to do some fucked up shit, man. Those lights at the high school.
LK: That was Rudy, mostly.
NS and LK: Cheers.
NS: Dead dog in the Witliff's pool. That was you, motherfucker.
LK: Rudy said that? (NOTE: It wasn't a dead dog, it was a pig's head from the sausage factory.) Don't trust that crackhead. What do you think the future holds?
NS: Hey did you ever know Vita Breviscz -- she went to school with your sister? I'm fucking her tonight after she gets off work. She's still pretty hot. (NOTE: Vita was never hot.) Puss-ay!

Neal leans over to whisper something. His manner informs me he is about to say something with serious gravity. This is the moment I have been waiting for in this interview.

...You want some coke?

Weblogs and Websites I am in Direct Competition With

2007-09-07T23:50:00.000Z

Knock-knock joke sites

Hamburger joke sites

DickJokes.com

Dirty riddles sites

The KKK Komedy Korner

Sites with pictures of naked ladies with crazy captions

Sites with videos of people getting hit in the balls or nuts

Animals "doing it" sites

My Liberal Wife blog

The Onion

"Guess what my cat did" sites

Bankruptcy humor sites

Dave Barry's PermanentMonday.com

Boo Ya!

1001 Insults, Put-Downs, and Comebacks book page on Amazon.com

Jackie "Da Joke Man" Martling sites

JewishRedneck.com

15 words and phrases that will bring you to my weblog if you perform an internet search for them.

2007-09-07T22:59:00.000Z

...come to Loland.

Nudietron

Camelinguist

"scabid snatch"

elehumans

"Dave Thomas was a fascist"

"goddam replicants"

Der Unterhounden

"deflating muted trumpet"

"Clint Eastwood was raped"

"Oaxacan Phoenix"

"delectably inscrutable"

"stickle big"

Pringelfuhrer

knardless

"magic retarded angel"

The Appendix to my Oddly Prescient 1965 Sci-Fi Novella

2007-09-07T15:20:00.000Z

Unfortunately, the manuscript, Moonmen on Mars in 2008 was lost. Jane, my secretary, turned on a desk fan and sent the only copy flying out the window over the Thames. I gave up my science fiction writing, married Jane, and have never looked back. I still have one of the appendices though. I keep it around to remind Jane and cop a guilt b.j. now and again.

Appendix V - Glossary

Inform-a-nerd - a home electronic device allowing the user to connect to vast information resources and other Inform-a-nerd users worldwide.

Nudietron - a convenient naked lady viewing attachment to the Inform-a-nerd that also sucks you off.

Talk-a-bit - A candy-bar shaped worldwide communication device that does not work under bridges.

Bonex brand Pud Butter - A creme that causes even old or gay men to have sex with their hideous wives.

Hoppity-Poppity - Music with heavy beats and spoken rhyming instead of singing, popular with children.

Moony-Moo - A small blond mental boy that, for some reason, is the world's #1 Hoppity-Poppity star.

PONG - A disease spread through buttsex or sometimes, but not as often, load-swallowing.

Yllis - A brand of H2O (water) in cans.

Aids - A helping game that is played on the television.

USTV (Ugly Sex TV) - TV that saves money by centering around the real sex problems of the non-telegenic. Major Adam Hiro and Tequila X-11b appear on the USTV program Hustle Stack.

World Hottening - A theory about how the globe is getting warmer.

Mr. Kan - mobile robot toilet/bidet.

Under a pseudonym, for obvious reasons.

I wrote some new racist epithets.

2007-09-07T13:00:00.002Z

Are you sick of using the same old hate speech? Epithets lose their value over time. They are adopted by the persons they are meant to insult, and their power diminishes with continued contextual use. New, original slurs will keep us all on our toes. A new epithet is like a recreational drug that is just introduced, before any legislation is passed on it. You can use them in polite company and everyone squirms but no one can say anything. It is delightful to be an obnoxious bastard.

Italians - When was the last time you heard anyone say awful things about Italians? Too long. Are they still wearing gold chains and speedos? How about Speedos.

Jews - I don't know how they got that rap for being cheap. Most of the Jews I know are kind of spendy. Have you been to an upscale mall lately? It's like being in Tel Aviv. Let's call them Spendos. I think they'll hate it!

Irish - They don't just eat potatoes, they look like them. Taters. It'll bounce right off their prognathic brows, but whatever. People with a little bit of Irish in them are Spudbloods.

Whites - Racists. They probably are, too. Racist is the worst epithet for anyone and it only applies to white people. If they are off-the-reservation racist, then calling them racist will be a badge of honor. Call them part black. That dog'll hunt!

Blacks - The n-word still works to offend n-worders, but talk about played. Just calling them The Blacks can be pretty offensive, if you get your stresses just right, overpronounce, and cock your head a tiny fraction of a inch.

Hispanics - I call them all Latinas, feigning ignorance. If you hang out with some Hispanics it is real easy to offend them. Muy sensitivo! Call Mexico New Mexico. If they are from Central or South America, jumble the countries. Tell them you've been to their country and describe another country. Describe Cambodia. Mention his country's backwards natives. Mention the tripe-eating. Hispanics are an obnoxious bastard's gold mine.

Polish - Polak is a Polish word meaning "Polish man." Polock is the shabbiest epithet ever. Like misspelling is mean. Who came up with that, the goddam Polish? Since they are all named "ski" let us call them "Skeeds." Plus it sounds kind of dirtball, like some dishwater blond kid in high-tops selling big bags of low-quality doobage in an alley off Kinnickinnic.

Muslims - Another fat target, but simple cracks like Qu'ranberries, Camelinguists, Ragtops, Turbanados, all miss the fragile beauty of their victim. Tragically, these people love their religion -- so much that they will tell you all about it if you ask them. Ask all nice and civilized for a while, get them relaxed, then bring out the guns, 9/11 etc. and watch them go ashen. Quid pro quo.

Germans - Potsies. 'Nuff said.

Chinese - Mao Maos

Japanese - Nippos. I didn't change it much. They think they're so superior it couldn't matter less. Japan calls itself Nippon. They don't correct us when we say Japan because they don't care what goes on in our gai-jin pea brains.

Filipinos - Peeners. This one is particularly fun to say.

Vietnamese - Fish Sauce Schleps. Say it 3 times fast to someone from Viet Nam.

I thought I'd have a lot more but racism really takes it out of me.

The Weblog Awards

2007-09-05T09:51:00.000Z

.
.
.
.

The Guy from Wings.
No, not Monk, the other guy from Wings. Not the one that was in Sopranos, either -- the other other guy from Wings. I didn't see Sideways, but I think that's the Sandman from Spiderman and it's not him either. I am talking about the other other other guy from Wings.
Anyone want to hear what that guy thinks about the President?
The Huffington Post also has posts by a lot of varied webloggers -- just starting with the A's -- Marc Abraham, Rebecca Abrahams, Paul Abrams, Larry Abrams, Sasha Abramsky... I could go on and on.

Perez Hilton
He used to say awful thing after awful thing about Paris Hilton, then they started hanging out? He's a modern Cinderella. If Cinders said horrible things about the Prince in her blog before they got to the ball, but when they met at the ball Cinders got all glassy eyed. So This Is Love? started going through her fat head and she was never able to blog about the Prince's filthy, scabid snatch or well-cornholed ass again. So now he's boring. The end.
I don't sweat it because I can still get my dish on. Popoholic, hollywoodtuna, justjared, superficial, socialite's, razzy, etc. They are all pretty much the same:
Kim Kardashian and Maria Menounous are pretty?
Hollywood actors may be homosexual?
You don't say?

Ernesto Kottke
You never forget the first weblog you regularly check. I had this guy on my toolbar. Forever! And he just dropped off the face of the E-arth. He had a kid, but I thought his first post-baby post was going to make his blog the best blog ever.
iPhone, Wiimote, or newborn baby: which has the best built-in accelerometer?
I was hoping he would turn into some liveblogging B. F. Skinner, but no.
Now at least I am a better weblogger on all days in which he doesn't blog and I do, which is a lot of days recently.

Bonus: I really thought I liked NewsRadio. Compared to the people who wrote this website I hated it. I enjoyed the damning article explaining, as best it could, why the network idiots never gave it a chance.

Wikipedia Editing Scandal Continues

2007-09-04T08:30:00.000Z

Pringlegate Diary, day 90.

Previous Pringlegate posts: - day 1 - - - - day 27-

I feel good that I have pwnd* a race 'bater and gotten him off Wikipedia for the time being. Plus he will be happier going off to bund meetings instead of editing.

Go ahead and check out my contribs to the Wik. I think by searching a person's entry contributions, one could easily assess the cut of their gib. I have too few entries for an accurate assessment. Too few nodes, as William Gibson might write. That's good. Some people leave their grubby keyprints all over because even tiny claims to fame are few and far between.

In this world, some people have a calling to plant semicolons between every word and twice between clauses. And some people have blood that boils when they hear someone whisper "semicolon." When these people try to pwn* each other in the Wikipedia community they are having a great time or at least they are into it. "Semicolon" can stand in for whatever you're on about -- the Pope, Gay Porno stars, Republocrats, the Falklands, or whatever.

Just don't mess with Pringles. I will tear your asshole a new asshole! Or perhaps probably I will just pwn* you with a message on your ip address page -- something somewhat scathingly direct and terse!

*pwn

This word is Welsh and not Nerd. I have been using it my whole life. It is pronounced like "poon" and I have no idea why computer users are using it now. In Welsh it means to make someone a nerd. Computer users using it is a lot like n-worders using the n-word.

I wrote a letter to R. Kelly.

2007-09-02T19:07:00.000Z

Bob,

I have no faith in the legal system or Chicago. Cook County is as crooked as origami birds. You will probably get off. People will show up on the tv trying to explain it, how the baroque time-honored process of law dropped an easy one again, even with a videotape. Laws simply don't apply to a person of your stature.

And speaking of videotaping peeing on teenaged girls, what's with that? What are you, German? Save it for the Friedrichstraße, Gunter. You're quadrupling up on your perversions. Pick ONE, if that. And don't pick "destroying the fragile minds of adolescents" please. "Crushing the trust native to the sweet, simple souls of young women" should also not be considered a keeper, you regusting eel. Being urinated on is unenjoyable, especially for rosy-cheeked teens who have not had time to develop the angst that engenders sick quirks, but thanks for helping.

Did you piss on Aalyiah when she was fifteen and you married her? Robert Harmenszoon Kelly! Is your new single going to be "Pissed on an Angel?" You might as well hit the Pieta with a hammer, you awful black man.

You broke my heart! I was a big fan. I thought all that creepy stuff you sing about was just for a goof. For a goof! And then I find out about the fifteen-year olds and fourteen year olds. You may say that Age Ain't Nothing But a Number but I say that Age IS Nothing But a Number. I really do think you should go to jail -- maybe a nice five-year sentence. Out in two! That way I can forgive you and start listening to your songs again, and I can stop listening to Lloyd. Plus when you come out you'll have all sorts of new tattoos and a new religion and even more troubling deviances. Won't that all be fun?

Love,
Loland

That pederast R. Kelly

I wrote a letter to my niece.

2007-08-31T19:54:00.000Z

Dear Pansy,

I do not care about what one shoelace says to the other shoelace. If I encountered a talking shoelace I would step on it like a snake and squish it until it was dead. And the shoelace blood would be all over my shoe and the floor and his talking shoelace family would starve to death in the cold murmuring "papa, papa."

Furthermore, elephants are not funny to talk about. They are emotional animals that are constantly tortured by their depraved 'human' caretakers. I refer you to these websites, 1, 2, and, 3 and I hope you regret your choice of these majestic, troubled elehumans as the subject of your "humor."

I know blind people. As a little girl of merely eight, you have probably never met a blind person. This is why you speak of them so rudely. You must be the stupidest little girl on earth if you think that a blind person would confuse an elephant for a grape. They are not even the same size.

I don't even think you get some of the jokes you tell. They resort to a wild absurdism that may provoke a response, but ultimately prove flaccid and cheap when thought out. These jokes are commonly called "groaners" and they are the kind of jokes fascist leader Ernesto Mussolini enjoyed very much.

"Arancio voi felici non ho detto la banana" -- Mussolini

Children like you should be seen and not heard or even seen. If you want to tell jokes, tell racist jokes from 1970s Hustlers. Otherwise you look like a queer. Queers are the only people that think banana jokes are funny. Tell that to your faggot baby sister too.

Signed,
Uncle Lando

Reading the Sunday Comics to Blind People

2007-08-31T18:19:00.000Z

They don't tell you that you need to bring the paper. They do not provide it. Or you can get creative.

In the first panel, Janis is going through Arlo's old socks. She says "Arlo, you never throw your old socks away!" Arlo responds: "Some people throw their old socks away. Some people throw their grandmothers away."
In the next panel Janis is visibly upset. "We put my grandmother in a home because she was fucking demented, you shit!"
In the next couple panels Janis and Arlo argue about whether or not Janis had ever told Arlo that her grandmother was put in a home. Arlo says it was probably her previous husband she told that to. Arlo calls her a dumpster for cum and mentions that she once lived in a van with a black, and now she lives in a real house Arlo bought with money from the comic strip she hates so much.
In the next panels, Janis leaves and her son Gene comes in. Arlo is sitting on the couch, frustrated. Gene says to Arlo "Hey, Dad." Then Arlo says "Don't call me Dad, kid."

Blind people are sneaky, and if they don't hear any paper crinkling, they will call you on it, even if you are making up the most erotic Miss Buxley-centric Beetle Bailey Sunday strip ever. The moral of this story is don't ever try to read the Sunday comics to blind people.

The Food Awards

2007-08-23T17:08:00.000Z

.
.
.

1st
closest to my house
The Don't Take the Bun Off Award has been stolen by the BK from the Hardees that closed. The patties are rougher than the skin on Christina Aguilera's face. I don't really have a problem with it, but I leave the bun on. If you were having intercourse with Christina Aguilera, you wouldn't take the bag off her head, would you?
But I eat there all the time, it's just a couple blocks. You really can ask them to do it your way. Extra lettuce and tomatoes, on a moderate "junior" size whopper is practically healthy until you ask them to put the mayo on.

2nd
closest to my house
The flavorless steak sandwich at Quizno's had me asking for different sauce and putting on hot peppers. Subway has toasting power too -- just as good for cheaper. But like 1 out of every 100 Americans in the Middle West I just happen to have a Quizno's closer. I only went there once. It just opened. I will give a shot to the new soup bread bowl. But a bread bowl has to have great chewy bread suitable for ripping and dipping. Consider yourself warned, Q.

3rd
closest to my house
Where can I get those mouth-watering sandwiches from the Arby's ads? Because you damn for sure can't get them at Arby's. A more truthful ad campaign: "Arby's. It wasn't actually run over by a bus, it just looks like that --- guaranteed."

4th
closest to my house

McDowells

'Nuff said.

5th
closest to my house
I know three whole people who literally love Wendy's chicken sandwiches. I don't eat chicken so I wouldn't know. But Wendy's has good burgers and a great dollar menu. It makes your kitchen all hot and takes an hour and a half to bake a potato, but it might as well take forty days, because they're a dollar at Wendy's. And the chili? So what if Dave Thomas was a fascist who contributed to far-far-right slush funds? Was Leia bad because Darth Vader was her father? No, she was hot and delicious.

6th
closest to my house
Cold Stone Creamery, where they chop up your ice cream, has a "Sweet Cream" flavor. It tastes like butter. They had to use a code. You just cant tell people you have a butter ice cream. There were art riots in Paris, and there could be a butter ice cream riot in Wisconsin. They also have a cake batter flavor that's like licking God's mixing spoon. It would be cold, too, out in space where God lives, and watches out for us, and gives us angels like Ernest Kenesaw Mountain Coldstone, the founder of this creamery.
I am not embarrassed to say I go there every week if I can drag people. I have no problem saying "Get an ice cream, dude?" to a new friend. I have hung out in bars, and it's great to tip bartenders. Sometimes they will buy you a drink, eventually, if they even ever look at you. But tip teenage ice cream clerks and they will feel it in their hearts and REMEMBER. I call it Mixingate. The best part is instead of chopping up my extra ice cream and extra mixins where the other customers can see it, they chop it up on the back overflow table. They chop it up on the back table in secret! Call Tubbs. And call me if you want to go get ice cream because I got that mixin hookup. Don't ask for pretzels. Cold Stone only does mixins, and pretzels are really more of a topping.

Hairpin Segue: My favorite ice cream topping is what else? Pringle. (If you crush up Pringles they become Pringle.) Pringle can only be sprinkled on the top of ice cream. And it must be eaten immediately, before the Pringle dissolves into the mashed potato goo it's made of. And sprinkling Pringle on ice cream should only be done around people who will not call you "fatty."

7th
closest to my house
If they ever catch me for those paperboys I killed when that shit Reagan was in the White House, Jimmy John's will be my final meal.

Fast food restaurants not even close to my house:
In N' Out Burger -- 1,800 miles
Wahoo's Fish Tacos -- 1,200 miles
Pollo Loco -- 75 miles
George Webb's -- 12 miles (still a little far for GW)

I wrote an epic poem.

2007-08-22T09:33:00.000Z

.
To the Guy I Kicked in the Balls Last Night
.
Did I dream it? Did I really kick a guy in the balls last night?
That's what I thought when I remembered
Kicking you in the balls last night
I have never ever done that even as a kid
I will honestly think about kicking you in the balls
Every day for the rest of my life
Because I did not expect to get such a good kick in
I did not expect to hit your balls so squarely
I mean it really was right in the pocket, wasn't it?
I got behind it but I did not expect to get air -- Cripes!
Maybe I wouldn't have kicked you if I knew it would look like that
Maybe if you knew you wouldn't have pushed me
Just far enough to be at perfect ball kicking distance
If dog rabbit but wow what a kick call the Packers
I have never played football and I do not know any karate
The karate classes I took as a kid were free and don't count
I have seen Remo Williams -- The Adventure Begins a few times
But he does mostly a pokey thing with his fingers.
You pushed me. What did you expect?
A high-five? Firm handshake?
You pushed me and why?
Because you're a weirdo who changes in public?
Are you just the type that pushes around old drunks?
Old-er drunk, and yes, I was drunk but that's no excuse
Don't need one
Because an idiot bigger than me pushed me
Barking at me in moon man language.
Admit it,
Changing in the street is doing something weird
I applaud the effort to conceal yourself with the towel
Modesty is rare these days-- true class! See, I can be nice.
And I figured out what was going on in hindsight
Not then of course, but today I figured it and I dig it
1. Bring the going out clothes to work -- damn right that's cool
2. Staying at work late but still hitting the clubs after -- way to go
3. Ride your bicycle and change out of the sweaty clothes -- nice job
4. Clean up with the drunk young fat chicks at bar time?
Like looking in a mirror. You and I could've been beautiful.
That's why I want you to see it from my side, brother
You were between parked vans and you were moving around
I honestly thought you were strangling someone for the bike
And using the towel to cover it from me. Why not?
I am always on the lookout for criminals so I can step in
What the hell was that poor lady's name?
38 people heard her scream?
.................................................?
I say her name then I sneer and say "New York" dismissively
Like an old 'Stallis babushka
So I was actually looking for a crime to stop
Not trying to check out your delicious body, chum
I was too drunk to focus my little peepers
And that is why I seemed to be staring at you
I was befuddled at your blurry herky-jerkiness
And I was not in a state to explain these things
But do you think that if I said "I'm Captain Wisconsin
And I'm on patrol keeping shit three laws safe -- You dig?"
You would have cooled your jets?
"I promise I didn't see anything?"
Come to think of it why did you have your bike between the vans
Instead of on the curb?
Where it could serve to block the view of passersby like me
To your weird behavior
It wouldn't have been in your way either
Which added to your looking so peculiar
You could have laid the towel on the bike -- yeah!
That's what I would have done
Planned it out a little
Full of bad moves, you -- willy nilly
Demand answers from a drunk who can't focus his eyes
You'll accost the sky next
Demanding answers as to why you were born.
Plus whatever you were saying to me I didn't hear, mumbleypeg
"Blah blah I'm a tough guy blah blah blah" is what I heard
Proud of you. God, I admire you.
But push me I might kick you in the balls evidently
And then of course run away
Doing little for my street cred or reputation as crimefighter.
I wasn't spoiling and I haven't spoiled for years
Since my game improved and I started tapping ass on the regular
You should try it.
You seem to be in excellent shape -- they like that
Once again, I am not interested in you
But do you work out?
My gym schedule is less than rigorous
Me I better keep this gorgeous face.
I have been hit in the balls in the context of sports and games
It hurts and I can sympathize
I have never been kicked however
Possible reason: I am not a gigantic asshole.
Wait I forgot -- I have been kicked in the balls -- Do you have sisters?
You see, you scissors your knees together
And catch their feet mid-kick
Then they are caught and you run at them
With your knees still squeezed to knock them down
For older sisters -- for younger sisters
Just hold them there and slap them until they cry
Until they learn the trick -- aim their ball-toe right at your junk
Avoiding the easy but ultimately risky crotch shot, clever girl
Just like I did to you -- Remember?
But now I am hoist by my own petard
(Which is like smelling your own cabbage farts)
Admitting I fight like a girl -- Agenbite of ball kick
A regret more about hating that I ruined a life long record
Than being concerned that you're sterile
I should have fought you
But I am not at my fighting weight
Nor have I ever been at my fighting weight
I was chicken. Chickenshit?
Wouldn't go that far
I am sorry I kicked you in the balls.
Sorry.
Nah not feeling it anymore. I think maybe I helped you out
Maybe I kicked out all that gay repression
Kicked it right off of your dick
You're free, my little angel, go free.

I wrote some horrible, horrible Limericks about your mom.

2007-08-20T14:51:00.000Z

Nantucket

There once was a lady from Nantucket
With a pussy as wide as a bucket
She went on serious tears
With black baseball players
Including the late Kirby Puckett

There once was a crazy old biddy
Who sold her body for 22.50
I didn't make that bid
A black fraternity did
And she still wanted more. Your mom's trippy.

There was a gang pass-around named Edna
Who resembled the actor Richard Crenna
She didn't look so crass
Until she shat out your fat ass
So give her a call or stop by for dinner

Note: I have always found that saying someone's mother sleeps with blacks is an effective insult, because racists hate it. Because I'm not racist, they try to turn it around and I'm all "Ma likes to hit that dark shit. So?"

Crank This

2007-08-20T00:05:00.000Z

Everyone who knows me knows just how much I enjoy snap crank hip-hop dances.
Here are my favorite Soulja Boy dances, in order.

That is coincidentally also alphabetical order. By the way, it's not "Crank Dat" it's "Crank That." I get really upset when people use "Crank Dat." It's like a racial slur.

I wrote some haikus.

2007-08-16T17:23:00.000Z

.
Haikus, popular in the 60s, are experiencing a resurgence thanks to hip-hop culture, who call it "da 5 - 7 - 5." I am down with that.

These are about Asian character actors, who are often underappreciated.

Pat Morita played
"Ah Chew" on Sanford and Son
racism made us raff

Cobra Storm Shadow
spoke seldom but when he did
same guy from Deadwood

a real professor?
he's not even Japanese
but I believed it

a stunned James Hong falls
he didn't know what hit him
goddam replicants/Jack Burton

Ernie Reyes Jr.
was in Hollywood too long
scientologist

from Nancy Kwan on
you know I like the halfies
Shannon Sossamon/Devon Aoki

Lessons Learned from Conan the Barbarian

2007-08-15T03:37:00.001Z

The best black lotus is from Stygia. Don't get fooled with haga.

Snake cult girls are easy.

Flesh beats steel. That's Crom!

I wrote a poem about Iraq.

2007-08-14T02:55:00.000Z

Iraq

Listen on! Listen on!
This is the truth of it.

Fighting leads to killing,
And killing gets to warring.
And that was damn near the death of us all.
Look at us now, busted up
And everyone talking about hard rain.
But we've learned by the dust of them all.
Bartertown's learned.
Now when men get to fighting
It happens here.
And it finishes here.
Two men enter, one man leaves.
And right now, I've got two men.
Two men with a gut full of fear.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
Dying time's here!

Here are the subjects my landlady likes to talk about, in order.

2007-08-10T13:00:00.000Z

How late the mail comes

How often I receive boxes in the mail

Cherry tomatoes

Colored people

Movie Review: Three More Burials of Melquiades Estrada

2007-08-09T10:03:00.002Z

Tommy Lee Jones and Barry Pepper reprise their roles as a crusty caretaker and a none-too-wise small-town deputy.

The laffs happen when Pepper has a PTA meeting he must attend so he doesn't lose custody of his daughter, and convinces Jones to come along with the body so he isn't late. Coyotes get at the corpse so they hide it in the principal's office. The principal comes in and has intercourse with the corpse, mistaking a cracked femur for an erect penis. This is funny because the principal has been a real hardcase up until then.

Later the corpse's internal organs liquify and he swells up, becoming harder to hide and eventually exploding at a post-ballet tea party for wealthy dowagers. Even though Jones and Pepper are covered with Estrada's putrefying entrails, they realize they couldn't have pulled it off without one another and they hug. Then they run away in fast forward with bluegrass music playing and a bunch of crazy old ladies chasing them.

Great Movie! Thanks Hollywood!

Serial Killers and Madmen I Have Personally Caught

2007-08-07T21:11:00.000Z

.

The Hillside Molten Lava Thrower

Fred and Ted Gein

Dan "Banana Nose" McManahan

Chip and Donnie Bin Laden

Dougie Bin Laden (no relation)

The Bay View Borax-in-the-Eyes Jerk

The Chainsaw/Icepick/Axe Overdoer

The Crossword Killer (He was called so because he never killed his victims completely.)

Robert Downey III

Stabby

The Olde-Time Iced Cream Shoppe Sniper

All the real actual guys they based the movie Con-Air on. Which was based on a true story. I cannot divulge any more.

Here are the short jokey movie reviews!

2007-08-04T18:10:00.000Z

.
The Bourne Ultimatum
More karate that takes place really close to the camera.
25 cool points
Porno name: The Pourne Ultimatum

Bratz: The Movie
It's live action and it stars little girls that don't even look like mini sex dolls.
0 cool points
Porno name: No change (in name or costuming)

El Cantante
Is Marc Anthony even Puerto Rican?
0 cool points
Porno name: El Ass-man

Hairspray
Travolta's makeup just exacerbates how weirdly close his eyes are. Even the previews for women's movies suck.
10 cool points
Porno name: Fatty Freaks #7

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Spoiler Alert: It's not as good as the other ones.
25 cool points (Gary Oldman)
Porno name: Hairy Poopchute and the Horndog of the Fat Chicks

Hot Rod
Samberg Farrells, then Fallons off.
18.5 cool points
Porno name: No change

I Know Who Killed Me
I don't like Lindsey Lohan movies.
0 cool points
Porno name: I Know Who Kickfucked Me

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Gay.
10 cool points
Porno name: I Now Pronounce You Crystal and Lanie

No Reservations
Gay.
0 cool points
Porno name: No Reservations (About Anal Intercourse)

Rescue Dawn
Not gay, even with man on man snuggling. Herzogian.*
50 cool points
Porno name: Scraggly Guys #7

Sunshine
Human error in space. "Damn my calculations!!!"
0 cool points
Porno name: Sex Robots Off Mercury

The Simpsons Movie
Well worth the download.
25 cool points

Talk to Me
Ice Tray!
25 cool points

Transformers
CGI gear porn
25 cool points
Porno name: Trannyspooners

Underdog
In name only.
-50 cool points (travesty)
Porno name: Der Unterhounden

Who's Your Caddy?
Too real** for me?
0 cool points

* copped this word from Ebert

** black

25 Awful Things to Say to Bulgarians

2007-08-03T22:24:00.001Z

Your national flag's colors are unpleasantly high contrast.

Name one, just one Bulgarian I have ever heard of ever in my life and I will give you one million dollars right now. Name any city or county or province or geographic feature in Bulgaria I have ever heard of even once for a cool million right now. Go ahead.

Nice shoes!

Eat much cabbage lately?

Is it true that in Bulgarian traditional dancing the men dance with each other, holding each other's sashes? It is?

Hey, let's go to a Bulgarian restaurant! Oh, wait, there aren't any. Because Bulgarian food tastes like armpits smell and looks like it just got unclogged from the toilet.

Your national mens volleyball team is excellent. My sister used to play volleyball. A lot of girls play volleyball. Volleyball is a great sport for girls.

I've designed a new flag for Bulgaria. It's a gay rainbow flag with a cabbage in the middle, plus five hundred gaping buttholes for the five hundred years the Bulgarians let the Ottoman Empire fuck them in the ass.

Bulgaria was allied to the Axis in World War Two. Did you know that I'm half-Jewish? Were any of your family members soldiers who killed Allied American soldiers?

PM Sergey Stanishev? More like BM Sergey Stanishev.

"We'll put another shrimp on the barbie" was Paul Hogan's way of saying "Come to Australia." An ad campaign for Bulgaria could feature some fat babushka saying "We'll boil an old cabbage until it is brown cabbage mush for you."

You work for Bulgarian Tourism? Do you feel bad fooling people into going to your horrible horrible country?

Would you say that Bulgaria is the poor man's Macedonia or the thinking man's Calcutta?

I thought you were joking when you said that you were in the Bulgarian Air Force. Bulgaria has an Air Force? You're kidding. I still think you're joking. Like with planes?

Is it safe to say that Bulgaria is half the size of Rhode Island and has nothing to offer anyone?

Indulge me while I try to speak a little of your native Bulgarian language: Blah! Hack! Phthht! Bla-Flaugh! Blek!... How was that?

I would never sleep with a Bulgarian woman even though I like fat women and I will pretty much hook up anyone. It's one of my "little rules."

I thought all Bulgarians lived in airplane terminals.

I think Tina Yothers is of Bulgarian ancestry. She's got that face, you know. (Mash up lips, nose, and eyes with fingers to drive point home.)

Wasn't there like a Bulgarian holocaust or something? And if not why not?

I remember visiting Bulgaria for a week as a child. Oh wait. It wasn't Bulgaria, I fell into a neighbor's septic tank upside down, and it was for 6 days, not a week.

I don't know which I dislike more intensely -- Bulgaria or Bulgarians. I guess I detest them both so completely that it's splitting hairs. No I've decided it's Bulgarians.

Are you a woman or a man? It's so hard to tell with Bulgarians.

The installation artist Christo is Bulgarian. ('Nuff Said.)

Being around any Slavs, especially Bulgars, makes my stomach turn. I would try to choke back my vomit, but the sound will remind you of your national anthem and the smell will remind you of your mother's Bulgarian cooking. Enjoy.

150 Good Names for Indian Restaurants

2007-08-03T20:20:00.001Z

Bhang!
You Gets Naan
Kultcha Klub
Shawarma by the Lake
McBiryani's
Bengali by Golly
The Oaty Roti
Hindu Holiday (Where every day is Diwali!)
Goan Crazy
Currying Favor
Bobby Vindaloo's Lounge
Batty for Baati
Ghandi's Lo-Cal Salad Joint (Just look for the skinny Indian!)
O' Mulligatawny's Pub
Chutney Station
Laasi Come Home
Chai It -- You'll Like It
Ganood Ganoush
Grand Panjandrum Garam J. Masala's Tandooritorium

What number am I at...?
On account of I didn't get to 150 (what was I thinking?) here is a cartoon ...for you!

.

I took my semi-annual breast exam -- 20 out of 20!

2007-08-01T00:14:00.000Z

.

If you can distinguish between a hanging tea cup and a levitating soup bowl, then you will also do well at this TEST. Say it loud, say it proud: NSFW!
.

50 Names for Roller Derby Girls

2007-07-31T15:42:00.000Z

.Girls' Roller Derby!

I have a long-standing offer to help any Roller Derby Girls get ready for their games. Thinking up sobriquets is just one of the ways I could be helpful.

Ali Farter
Edna Garrot
"The vaGentle vaGiant"
Cute Rockne
Snake Goddess "Nice Set"
"Wheelie" Schluttie
Hope Farkakt
Stroker Ace
Boobsbraham Lincoln
Hanta Jemima
Ghost of Nicole Brown
Lucy Gucci
Cruel Moe Dee
Larger Marge
Lady Bird Flipper
Barbellerella
Mayor Momcroak
Knieval Skatever
Niandra Thal
Susan Gunpowter
Elizabeth Bareknuckle Browning
Susan B. Kickingyoreass
Oooh! Thant & Dang! Hammarskjold
B. Tricks Potter
Straight Jaquelette
Codeen Drip
Sally Rottencrotch
Gidget Ginch
Tempest Bledsoe & Craven Simone
Carol Burn-It!
Tallulah Crackhead
Mrs. RIAA
Ayn Random
Mom N. Chance
Emma Lation
Vagina Heep
Alice Callous
J. K. Growling
Neutrina Collider
St. Joan of Arkham Asylum
Ebenezer Snatch & Tiny Tit
Crap Suzette
Sid Delicious
Bleeda Ford
the Widowermaker
Kay Rottychops

Lessons Learned from Blade Runner

2007-07-19T14:25:00.000Z

Tortoise = Turtle

The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

You can always tell a replicant, you just cant tell him much.

Electric Sheep

What's up with Rape Scenes?

2007-07-19T12:13:00.001Z

Casualties of War
A rape scene occurs in Casualties of War. Before that it's even worse. Michael J. Fox attempts to comfort a Vietnamese girl who has been kidnapped and brutalized pre-rape. He treats an injury by taking off her clothing with a gentle touch and speaking in soft whispers to her. Save the whispers for the rape! Put yourself in her place. She's never even seen Family Ties. I would be saying "Me clean blood! No sexy sexy here!" -- instead he's practically nibbling on her ear. It turned my stomach.

The actual rape rape -- not so harrowing. Ennio Morricone music in the background. Casualties of War is when DePalma started to really suck ass. (He is going to screw up the Untouchables prequel.)

Slave Rape in the Old Days
Whoa! I am not talking about any white on black rape. In fact, in the old days I'm talking about, it was pasty germanics and such who were slaves. HBO's Rome made it look saucy saucy. Alexander is for the true aficionado. Colin Farrell Rosario Dawson. I don't want to say rapes, as it is a conjugal/concubine thing. Let's say instead that she does not appear to want to have sex, but is physically forced to do so.

If they get into it halfway through, all the better. I guess "rape" in the past was pretty much just having sex with a wildcat.

Remember the rape scene?

Blade Runner?

He learns she's not human and figures it's license to throw down, yes or no yes. I guess "rape" in the future will be pretty much just having sex with a replicant.

Pretty Woman?

George Costanza as a rapist? (Julia Roberts as a street hooker?)

Matrix?

Getting held down and raped in the belly button. Better or worse than the butt?

Girl on Boy
Clint Eastwood was raped in the Rookie by Sonia Braga. Josh Hartnett was raped in 40 Days and 40 Nights. I have not seen either film, but a lot of people did, and no one got their pantyhose in a bunch. I'm sure some guys even got their spank on about it.

Negative One-Thousand Cool Points
Loser, with Jason Biggs as the titular tit, had a sub-plot involving his wacky roomates. It seems that they have been drugging and raping girls! It is treated like comedy -- like they are getting girls to slip on banana peels to peek up their skirts. I think at the end of Loser, Biggs gives the guys their own medicine, and they end up sleeping with fat girls! Oh no! Ha! Just desserts for the crime of drugging and raping women (cue deflating muted trumpet).

The new Brothers Coen movie might be okay.

2007-07-18T18:41:00.000Z

.

I only crapped myself once watching these previews.

What's up with Pawn Shops?

2007-07-18T03:17:00.001Z

.The Pawn Shop is as shady as a mangrove.
Why does a filthy 15-year old drill cost $80, twice as much as a new one at Sears? VHS tapes for $7? Even though you have 6 ratty cardboard boxes of them on the floor? I don't know what wafer-thin 14k gold medallions of the BVM are supposed to go for, but $129 still seems steep to me. And jewelry that has been personalized already? Unusual names etched permanently into metal. No reduction in price. Cell phones from back when they were called car phones? They got 'em. They don't need a competitive price because there's no competition. The car phone and beeper market is sewn up by pawn shops, so they'll charge what they please. Old Clarinets? Check. $300. Crapping you negative. Nice case, but no mouthpiece. Was it made by Ernesto Stradivarius?

You're supposed to talk them down.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe Jesse Ventura can talk the price down. I can barely convince them I was just curious about the whether the clarinet was $30 or $300. They were disgusted with either me, or their own sloppy handwriting, and I thought I should leave. There are always a BUNCH of people in the back.

What's with all the really big knives?
Are these knives really for field-dressing animals? Why is that a human skull on the holster then? These are stabbin' knives. That there is such an aftermarket for these things implies that there is a market for them. I guess it's cheaper than a pit bull, motorcycle, leather jacket, or tattoo. Don't tell the purchaser that these very same gothic knives are sold in renaissance fair catalogs alongside floopy velveteen hats for men and Harry Potter wands.

Figure it out about the Pawn Shops yet?
There was a video game place by the airport, except the people there hated it when kids came in to play the video games. Nothing would irritate them more. Have you ever been to a laundry where none of the machines worked? And no one ever went there, but it stayed around forever?

I guarantee you their balance sheets did not show heavy losses, as would normally be indicated by lack of patronage, but fat earnings from a legitimate extant cash-based business.

Pawn Shops deal in knives and guns. They have no interest in their own ridiculous inventory. They don't advertise and their personnel are ill equipped for sales. A bunch of people hang out in the back room doing nothing all day. Pawn Shops in Chicago and Milwaukee are gangster owned and shill operated to launder drug money, protected by corruption and apathy. Not that I care.

Where's all the stolen stuff crackhead burglars sell for crazy cheap?!
If I ever figure it out brother, I'll let you know.
.

Cable Tee-Vee

2007-07-09T23:40:00.000Z

.
Ace of Cakes
The name is misleading. They should call it Ace of One Cake because they do the same cake every time. Sheets of fondant every damn episode. Getting a photo digitally printed on a sheet cake is just as creative.
.

Jean-Claude Fondant
"Oh no. Will we get this cake done on time? It sure is crazy around here."
.

Fondant is what old ladies with no taste buds have for candy at their house. It is shapeable and cuttable and colorable, but it is inedible sugar wax, and you might just as well use Play-Doh. Anyway, you can't do the exact same thing every time. Can you? (Or have I unlocked the secret of television?)

The central doof has the shaveover (a combover moderne) and a pubic hair beard from 10 years ago, and the blah was-hipster cast makes me hunger only for whatever's on next.
Negative 100 cool points.

Bizarre Foods
For a guy whose job it is to eat bizarre food, this other bald fat guy on tee-vee sure doesn't like it much. He is always making a face when he eats something. I keep waiting for some local to tell him off when he insults the native cuisine. "Well excuse us for being poor you fat sack."
25 cool points.

Man vs. Wild
It's hard to get around the fact that the host, Bear Gryffindor, has a camera crew around him the whole time, and he could get a granola bar just by asking. His straining to emote despair aside, it is a fun ride. Plus quicksand has always scared me and now I know how to get out of it. Now I wish there was more of it in West Allis.
50 cool points.
.

I Wrote Some Limericks.

2007-07-09T22:46:00.000Z

Nantucket
.

"There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it"
But they got the story wrong
Not about the dick being long
But I'm not from--I just live--in Nantucket.

There once was a hot young Laotian
Who drank a magical potion
He got double drilled
And then he got killed
That unfortunate Sinthasomphone

There was a sheep-herder named Jock
Who had an incredible flock
His sheep were most famousest
For their distended anuses
Wait--did I accidentally say flock?

And one for the kids...

There once was a Shaolin from Wudan
Whose kicks were incredibly good and
So when he got in a fray
He just ran away
(He wouldn't soil his nice Nikes for nothing).
.

June Recap: I was right about everything

2007-06-30T17:11:00.001Z

.
The Pringles entry vandalism is down to a trickle. I always win!

The ending of the ending to end all "end of all endings" endings
David Chase revealed that Tony is dead.

Sharper Images catalog no longer offers $1000 Trump Steaks collection.

Now: free delivery on $99 2 steak/4 burger box.
.

New internerd fad - the loltrump

I am not sure if Paris Hilton would make a very good Christian.

2007-06-29T08:35:00.000Z

(This post used to have a picture of Big Bird.
Big Bird resembles Paris. Yellowish, long neck, pointy beak.
Plus the old Big Bird used to have google eyes that moved independently of each other.)Paris Hilton

"I went to Catholic school as a child.
And I've always had a sense of spirituality,
but even more so now, after being in jail."

.
Sure, she spent a month and a half not getting drilled in the ass, but that was court-ordered. Christianity is an inclusive religion, but that is more about the poor people and ethnics. Being a good Christian is hard and cokey heiresses aren't up to the task. Leave that to hungry, swarthy people.

I blame Ernesto P. Gideon.
My theory is she just doesn't have a lot of books. Because she lives in a hotel (doesn't she?) she had access to the Bible. If she picked up "Dragonriders of Pern" she would be focused, not on God, but on Thread.

Bible Hard
It is delectably inscrutable in parts. Her pea brain can't handle it. I am not her biggest fan, but I don't want her to have a stroke.

A Lot of Fish in the Sea
There has got to be a more suitable religion:
Scientology: The anti-drug sci-fi moonies would love her so much they might look the other way about her occasional Mai-Tai.
Universal Unitarianism: Unitarians do not believe in the divinity of Christ, per se, but they are not nit-picky about it. And Universal Unitarians don't stickle big about anything! She could write her own ticket like she's used to.
Shinto: Shint-whaa-at!? Yeah, I said it. Shinto. She better worship her ancestors. If it weren't for them she'd be clerking at the CVS and trying to cover up a black eye with mascara. Now that lady would make a good Christian.
.

Archie pops pills with the gals in the '60s.

2007-06-28T01:45:00.000Z

.
Down the Hatch!
.
.

Desecrators of the Pringles entry beware!

2007-06-27T17:42:00.000Z

.
I figured out something about Wikipedia vandals.
.
.
I mapped the IP addresses of the people who messed with the Pringles entry. 64.107.75.2 is a sophomore at Seneca High in Seneca, IL. Seneca, IL being most famous as the poor man's Ottawa, IL. His list of "contributions" is all vandalism, much of it either prejudiced or citing the names of classmates he has crushes on. I think his first name is "Bo Matt." What a hick! The other IPs are 81.158.176.22 from Fauldhouse, GB and 62.136.13.249, in the middle of British nowhere, with the closest city being Appletreewick. Appletreewick! Hicks!

So Wikipedia vandals are hillbillies. An online British hillbilly is still just a hillbilly. Huh, Jes?

From now on I, Loland Kapuchinski, will take responsibility for the Pringles entry on Wikipedia.
.